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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

782 replies

startingagain88 · 15/05/2012 14:46

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 17/05/2012 13:37

o4t: Sounds like my sister's been at it. She creates chaos wherever she goes and sits happily in the midst of it. I am the exact opposite.

I was telling her off for going on about her horoscope all the time, saying there was no truth in it. I think my argument might have been more convincing if I were not the most typical Virgo ever - a fact which she pointed out to me.

You need me there to sort things out Smile

Starting - with mistlethrush speaking of a stash, I thought I'd mention something which had occurred to me earlier but had dismissed.

Your ex's behaviour - the manipulativeness, the desperation for money beyond what seemed rational, the appalling treatment of nearest and dearest - put me very much in mind of the son of one of my neighbours - a nice lad to begin with. The family was the epitome of respectability - father in senior management, mother in a part-time job with the council, the other son at university.

Anyway, he got into heroin and very, very soon he became a different person, stealing anything from them he could sell. The father banned him from the house, but he still managed to break in and take more stuff. The mother still saw him regularly - she was his mother, she felt she had to help him - but he just saw her as a source of cash. It was tragic. He ended up in prison.

I know it's unlikely that this is the cause of your ex's behaviour but if he has been involved with Ms Sleazyslag for a while perhaps it's not impossible.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 17/05/2012 13:44

Hmmmm, gimp outfit and ladies high heels. Size 11. Grin

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 14:09

There's no red herrings here; he hasn't left anything of value in the garage.

Remember, he was round last Friday claiming he had nowhere to live and was going to park up outside your home for the night?

Barging in and snatching what he thought was the key to garage was an attempt to enact a scene from one of St Twuntbert's ploys plays wherein, having gained access to the building, he'd set himself up with a sleeping bag and a primus stove in the hope that you'd believe his spiel about being homeless and the sight of him becoming increasingly unkempt would melt your heart.

In his dreams mind, frequent knocks on your door for water, use of the loo/shower, and other sundries, would give him the opportunity to wear you down until you told him that he might as well move back in.

The clue to this man is that he wants what he wants when he wants it and he doesn't see any reason why he should have to wait for what he wants.

You've indulged him far too much, Starting. He's become accustomed to getting his own way with you and this has done nothing to address the fact that he's always been a spoilt, selfish, petulant individual.

The only reason you're surprised he's behaved as he has is that, as you haven't crossed him before, he's succeeded in hiding his true character from you.

But I'm guessing that if you think back, you'll see the signs that you chose to ignore at the time.

meredeux · 17/05/2012 14:21

so no drugs then?

TheLastNameLeft · 17/05/2012 16:05

izzys post makes a lot of sense actually, although the idea of gimp mask and size 11 heels should put a smile on startings face Grin

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 17/05/2012 17:23

yep, I think izzy has it spot on.

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 18:01

Nah, sorry about that meredeux, but maybe the ow threw him out because she caught him in her undies and a gimp mask a la Catkins' suggestion?Grin

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 17/05/2012 18:51

It's funny how often the issue of the garage has come up during Starting's threads. Despite the fact the tosser made it clear he was leaving for good, he constantly failed to clear out the garage as requested by Starting on several occasions.

I wonder if he thought that having all his possessions at his former home would bolster his legal case? If so, another reason to get rid of any residual crap. Starting, tell him he collects it on a date convenient to you or it goes in a skip. However, you ought to make sure that there's someone big and burly to oversee him just in case he refuses to leave the garage and starts squatting there!

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 18:57

Regardless of whether there's anything that belongs to him, he's had more than fair notice to collect his stuff and has long forfeited any rights to any items of his that may remain in the garage.

There's no way that you should allow him access to any part of your property, Starting, and that includes the garage.

TheLastNameLeft · 17/05/2012 19:07

agree again with izzy everything now belongs to you starting, he is entiltled to fleece you no more!

RoxyRobin · 17/05/2012 23:04

Goodnight, starting, if you're on.

You'll have been busy today I reckon. Hope all is calm and peaceful.

Sleep well xx

southlundon · 18/05/2012 10:17

Morning Starting! Such brilliant news about the job offer - hope it all geos through for you :)

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 18/05/2012 11:37

woo its Friday, what you got planned for this weekend? sailing? out with your London friends?

hope all is calm for you.

Thermalsocks · 18/05/2012 12:26

Morning Starting. Hope you are still basking in the glow of your success.
Is it all signed and sealed now?

Hope you haven't found any bearded, greasy haired gnomes living in your woodshed/garage!
Please put us out of our misery re GarageGate!

Does Twunt still have any of his 'stuff' left in the garage or he really does 'just' want to set up camp there?

Supposed to be a sunny weekend. Perfect for sailing! Smile Smile

only4tonight · 19/05/2012 07:41

Hey. How's it going?

TheLastNameLeft · 19/05/2012 14:29

Hope you are having a peaceful weekend Starting Thanks

startingagain88 · 19/05/2012 18:32

Hi,

Sorry i havent updated for a few days!!

I think he wanted to 'move into' the shed simply to be one step closer to the house, im sure he was going to lay it on really thick, any try and make me feel guilty and let him move back in......now that he has laid his cards on the table I will be expecting a letter re the house very very soon!

Im been quite busy over the last few days, Thrusday, I had dinner with sailing girl, Friday i helped out at volunteering doing some PR out in the community, speaking to lots of people which i enjoyed. Tonight I am going to Broadstairs where they are having a 'big' weekend, tonight they have a big screen on the beach and are showing Grease, im not a massive fan of the film but the food, drink and atmosphere should be fun!! :)

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 19/05/2012 18:44

Great! Enjoy yourself!

captainmummy · 19/05/2012 19:00

Wow - that is what a social life looks like! Envy

izzyizin · 19/05/2012 19:16

Sex Grease on the Beach? Sounds great - enjoy!

fedupofnamechanging · 19/05/2012 19:56

Glad you are okay - was starting to get a bit worried about you.

Hope you have fun x

bringbacksideburns · 19/05/2012 20:40

PHEW!! I've finally caught up with all this. I only read the first thread and didn't see the others but then i remembered - you are the lady with the dog near the sea Smile

My heart was in my mouth a bit back there Starting - i thought you were going to crumble. I thought you were going to allow him to manipulate you into coming back.
I'm almost glad he came round, pushed himself into the house and started shouting, as upsetting as that was for you, because he showed you finally that is all he is interested in . The house and your money.

The way he has acted and the texts he allowed that woman to send - most decent people would have left you alone after a split. But he misses the lifestyle. He knows pretty soon he'll be up shit creek without a paddle so he constantly engages you as back up and you let him play you like fiddle.

You need to block his number now. Lots of us have asked you to. There is no need to speak or see this man ever again. You have no children and he does not own half of the house.

If you cut contact from now on it will be so much easier.
You can then carry on with your new life, the new friends you are making and the new job.

So much has happened in these last couple of months for you. You are only 36, please don't tie yourself down with this freeloader, he does not deserve you.

It's time to go forwards and not backwards!

MushroomSoup · 20/05/2012 09:19

Just read all three threads in one go! Had to stop
At 2.30am to sleep and started again at 7!
Just wanted to pass on my sincere admiration Starting - I can't believe how quickly you are adapting and moving on (although I appreciate it's hard).
Also just wanted to share the picture that has formed in my head of the pair of you through reading this 'saga' - you both started off about the same size physically in my mind but whereas you have grown taller and slimmer and more 'polished' over time, he has become shorter, squatter, unkempt, tramp like and has a comb over and hairy nostrils!

Thermalsocks · 20/05/2012 13:11

Wow Starting! So good to hear that you are so busy socially.

You must also be very busy getting ready for your new job. Will you still be able to fit in your volunteering?
Your world is really taking off now in all ways and I think you are now strong enough and aware enough not to be dragged back by the siren calls of twunt.

Please keep popping back to let us know you are ok and how you are getting on. Some of us need to live vicariously through your exciting new life! Grinx

startingagain88 · 20/05/2012 16:07

Hi,

Thank you, i had a lovely time last night, really enjoyed myself. I'm trying to get out and about more, and slowly making new friends, still feel lonely at times though and today is one of those times!

Bringbacksideburns......thank you for your support, everything you say is true, i am now trying to focus on my future not my past, Mushroom my ex is not quite as bad as you describe but he is certainly getting there!:)

I still find it hard to accept what a bastard he has turned into, since he left he is like a different person, i don't recognise him, he is a liar and will do anything to get money out of me, no doubt i will on here next week looking for advice when he tries to fleece me for everything i have!

Thermal, i still need the help of all of you wonderful posters! i am far from 'cured' yet, you guys won't be getting rid of me that easily :)

OP posts: