Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

Oh dear - no wonder you feel crap.

I really do hope you have learned your lesson. Do NOT engage - DETACH!! its for your own good as each time you do meet him, you end up messed up.

Why did you agree to meeting him? You both can never be friends and no good can ever come out of it.

Let me get this straight. He rented a HOUSE not a flat or a bedsit or something within his means and he still expects you to pay for it? And he won't forgive YOU for what you have done to HIM?

You really need to draw a line under this chapter in your life. There is no going back now so stop engaging with him.

oh no starting this has been going on for far too long!

Every time you start feeling positive about your life and putting plans into action he comes along with a tale of woe and you fall for it each time. Please PLEASE dont meet him, text him or engage with him in any way. He is toxic and not good for you at all.

It really doesnt matter if he is with the OW, married to her or single - he treated you like shit and is continuing to do so. Anyone who professed to love ME and then called me a fucking cunt would get short shrift. You dont deserve to be treated or spoken to in that way, so stop letting him do this to you.

In short - he doesnt want or love you, he only wants your money. That should make you very angry if nothing else.

Hi Starting, he absolutely doesn't deserve even one ounce of your time. Delete the number you have and once and for all forget about him. He has shown time and time again what his agenda is and how he is prepared to treat you.

He's all bluff and trying to scare you, ignore, ignore,ignore!.

You need to Stop listening to him.

Stop answering any text/email from him. All he has done since he left you is to lie and abuse you when you fund his lifestyle he wants.

He only sees you as his personnel ATM to give him the money as he wants.

What can he do, he has tried to make feel guilty and give him money and failed. He tried to rob you of half you house and failed. He has lied to you about loving you/missing you and failed.

You need to report his text but he said to me 'I will never forget that you wouldn't help me and wont let you get away with it' now he probably doesn't mean it but i feel really scared by that and haven't been able to sleep all night. to the police he is threatening you.

He needs a shock and warned about his behaviour and to be told not to contact you again.

You want it all your own way????

Yeah, having your partner of fifteen years fuck off with some nasty, malicious text-sending cow and then try to bully money out of you while you almost have a nervous breakdown is just what you wanted.

Why put yourself through this torture by engaging with him? You should know his modus operandi by now - it's so predictable. Never agree to see him again, and block his new number - and get on with your busy new life, while his goes down the pan through his own miserable fault.

Let him try his threats on the woman he preferred to you, and see how far he gets.

I've just remembered that last time you were on here he had lied to you about going to France when in fact he went to Dublin. Did he attempt to explain that away, or did you not mention it because you didn't want a confrontation?

Why on earth keep on communicating with him when you know you can't trust a word he says? Is it because, after all he's done, you still harbour some hopes of a miraculous transformation?

There isn't going to be one.

He harasses you every time he doesn't get what he wants, I'd be very tempted to think about a restraining order to keep him away.

I agreed to meet him because he has been a part of my life for so long and i loved him, i wanted us to get along - silly i know.

The place he has rented is a small two bedroom house, i know the places and they are quite nice, like little coach houses with a courtyard in the middle, he told me he bought a bed, tv sofa etc , as it wasn't furnished, he had, up until this point been either living at the OW's or sleeping on the floor in his friends poky flat. If i was him i would have got a room in a shared house partly furnished while i saved some money, not him, he doesn't like to slum it you see.

He has tried every trick in the book to get money from me, but he knows i am alone here, and tbh im scared of what he might do if he gets really desperate, he said to me that he doesn't want to be a failure, i know him and he cant cope with any stress, next thing will be he will be pissed at two in the afternoon, looking for a row.

Roxy, thats pretty much word for word what i said to him, but he doesnt seem to take it in, he said 'this isnt all about you, you are selfish, i need help and you can, so why wont you?' he is fucking deluded, its like the last five months did happen at all. I comforted him about the Dublin thing and he finally admitted that yes he had gone there but for a piss up not to meet OW- what on his own?- he lied to me because he knew i would jump to conclusions and it was easier that way! Jesus......

Re the OW one of my neighbours who knows my situation, an older lady, told me at the weekend that she knows a woman who lives close to the OW, apparently arsewipe isnt the first handyman who she has had an affair with, there has been two more that she knows off one who moved in for a year, and one that didnt last a month, so it seems that she has form! Maybe thats how she gets her house done, maybe i should do that myself! Sounds like they really deserved each other.

apparently arsewipe isnt the first handyman who she has had an affair with

and I'd be very surprised if she's the only person your arsewipe has had an affair with too.

So basically OP you're still totally involved, still waiting for signs that he's ready to get back with you, still obsessed with the OW as if she was the problem not this prat, still deluding yourself basically. In fact even though you're not with him, you may as well be with him because you're not even close to moving on. It's a real shame, given that you were able to pick yourself up so well, get out, get jobs etc. Deep down, you mustn't believe you're worth anything more than this useless, freeloading twunt :(

Why not just get back with him already? Why delay the inevitable?

Oh, Starting, you're just too nice.

You are still concerned about his well-being after everything he's done to you because of what he meant to you in the past. You can't stop being a nice person, nor should you, but you really do have to look after yourself first and foremost now. You don't have anyone looking out for you, but you've had to pick yourself up of the floor and get on with things. He must do the same for himself without help from you.

You would not be doing him any long-term favour by giving him cash; he would squander it. He's obviously hopeless with money. He's going to have to learn how to stand on his own feet.

If he'd been a better person just maybe you could have been friends (though in my long experience this hardly ever works out), but he is now toxic to your life and contact with him is preventing you going forward.

If you are really afraid perhaps you should contact your solicitor with regard to setting up a non-molestation order.

Don't worry about arsewipe - OW is bound to have a dripping tap or a creaky floorboard soon and she will be crooking her finger in his direction. He will be safely back in her much-groped bosom.

Will be thinking about you, lovely girl xx

Hellotheno, i have turned down his offers to get back together with him many times, and that is not what i want. I just would like us to be able to be civil , he lives local to me and he was a major part of my life for a very long time. I don't want hate and anger to dominate my life.

You may be right that he has had more than one affair, but that is something we will never know, If you read back through my posts you will see that the one thing i haven't been is obsessed with the OW, she has not been important to me at all in this whole mess, she is irrelevant actually, its all him, i didn't seek out the information about her it was given to me and i just thought that it was interesting that she has done this before, with other handymen!

I think you are being a bit harsh saying that i haven't moved on at all, I know i have as i can get out of bed in the morning and go to work without the need of AD's and thoughts of him are no longer controlling my life, i have new friends and am able to switch off and have fun, but that's ok its your opinion and i appreciate you expressing it.

To be fair, I did say you'd moved on... in every aspect but him. He doesn't have to be your enemy but I think you're being seriously naive looking for a 'friends' deal with him when I suspect that underneath it all, even unbeknownst to yourself, you're ultimately looking for a way back.

You have constantly referred to the OP in practically every single post. You are looking at both of them at a unit and cutting him more slack than her, when the truth is that, what he did to you, he did all by himself.

Sorry if you think I was harsh, I only want you to value yourself more and give him the time he deserves, i.e. absolutely none. That doesn't mean you have to become bitter, it just means you look outwards and leave him behind.

Obviously it's up to you, it's your life and I wish you the best of luck :)

Starting You don't have to have contact with him in order to not let hate and anger dominate your life. That is something you can do without meeting with him. I'm afraid you are doing yourself no favours by staying in contact with him and you must take some responsibility for how you are feeling as a result of that contact. You may have moved on somewhat but you are allowing this man to control you. If that wasn't the case then you would have changed your number and would have no contact with him whatsoever. You have no reason to stay in touch, no kids together, no shared assets, so there is no valid reason for contact, other than you want it.

Sorry I mean 'referred to the OW'

Okay. You can smile and say hello to him as you walk past him in town, you do not have to avoid shops ifhe happens to be in them, or leave them as he comes in. But you do not need to have cosy drinks with him. If I had a friend who had just called me any of the names he has called you, however much they apologised I doubt I would ever share a coffee with them, and I'm someone who doesn't hold grudges.
Spend time with new friends, don't get drawn into gossip and move on.

If you are genuinely scared of him then talk to the police (on the non-emergency number), and if he starts anything, phone them (drunken shouting or trying to get into your property is good enough for a 999 in your case).

He seems extraordinarily stupid but eventually even he will work out that he needs a more softly, softly approach to getting money out of you.

So he will turn on the charm and you will fall for it. He will go slower and pronounce that he doesn't want a penny from you, he just wants to get back together.

Then when his feet are firmly back under the table, you will end up supporting him financially again, probably paying off debt he has built up while you were apart.

Please try to see that his main aim is to get you to support him financially.

That doesn't mean that all your years together mean nothing, it just means that is what he is doing NOW. Things have changed and you cannot turn back the clock.

Starting, your main aim should be to feel completely indifferent to him, neither love nor hate him, just aim for him not featuring on your radar at all. the best way to acheive this is by avoiding all contact.

Please realise you will NEVER be friends, it really isn't possible!

Actually I get that the thought of cutting him off forever is too scary. But all this meeting up for coffee etc is way way too soon.

I think ex's can be civil, and even maybe be friends, (even when it has been an awful break up) but only when they can both look back and say "hey, it wasn't the best of times but it worked out for the best in the end". If you can't say that (and neither of you can) then it is way too soon.

He is upset you can help him and you won't. You are upset he could have been a faithful loving partner and he wasn't. I think you being upset is more valid don't you?

Now some tough love.

STEP AWAY FROM THE ARSEHOLE!

As a straightforward person yourself, no doubt when you say words you mean them. So, "I still care about you and would like it if we could stay friends", means "I still care about you and would like it if we could stay friends". So far, so obvious, right?

But the ex, he is not as other people in this matter. He has very narrowly defined interests (ie Himself). You need to bear in mind that if he were to say the sentence above, what he would actually mean is "I would like you to remain willing to give me money whenever I come up a bit short".

Other translations include:

"I still love you" = "I would like you to give me some money"
"I need help" = I want you to give me some money"
"Life is just not the same without you" = "I need more money"
"I finished with OW, it's you I really love" = "she won't give me money, you might"
"You fing c" = "How can you refuse to give me money? I want it"

You perceive a pattern here?

Have read your threads and think you have behaved impeccably - I understand how much you want to remain on good terms - you are a good, decent, kind person. Your ex-P sounds like a misogynist read this www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Hate-Women-Love-Them/dp/0553381415 I bet you will recognise him.

His behaviour calling you a c* is appalling - he totally lacks any insight - that's why he feels he can appraoch you after all he has done.

On a practical note - if he is self-employed but on a lowish income he can still apply for housing benefit towards his rental place (although they would not fully fund a 2 bed place for a single person) - he is a leech and undeserving of your compassion.

Having read your threads, it is screamingly obvious you need to stop engaging with this man. Every time you say you are moving on, life is getting better, you are over him - you then let him stamp all over you again.

You can not be friends with him - he is a total scumbag and not worth a single second of your time or the tiniest part of your heart.

Stop seeing him, stop talking to him, stop letting him hurt you. If you see him in the street - look away and walk on by. You are far too nice a person to let him pollute your life any more.

Sorry if this is blunt, but he keeps hurting you after you have done so well to move onwards and upwards - don't let him do it again.

He will do this again and again because you are letting him.

He is not your friend.

Friends don't treat each other this way.

If you carry on meeting and contacting him then he will continue to try and get money from you. This is all you are to him. What he calls you is what you let him.

Ouch, Annie. That is so accurate it ought to be in a book somewhere..

starting, my personal view is that abusive behaviour is a kind of disorder, which is focused on the partner. That's no more than a personal view: but it helps get a few thoughts in focus, eg:

1. You don't have to hate him or be angry with him, if you see him as having a disorder (one which is a threat to your physical or mental health).

If he was receiving treatment in secure unit because he was a danger to people, you might still care about him from afar?..but you'd recognise you could not see him, for both your sakes. Both of you are worse off if you do.

2. You can get rid of the good person/bad person dichotomy. If you think of him as ill in some way, you can see the good part that you fell in love with?..recognise that you can't get it back?.. and grieve for the man that he was.

The point is to try to drop these people from your life because that's what is healthy for you.

It also stops you from imagining they've seen the light / are really sorry for what they've done / have moved on and got their life together etc. Because it rarely or never happens, sadly......so even a cordial friendship is not really possible. :( I'm very sorry.