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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

782 replies

startingagain88 · 15/05/2012 14:46

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 17/07/2012 16:12

You may still love him Starting, but he doesn't love you!!!!
He wants you now, but he doesn't love you!!

He has had time to get his story/plea sorted and just waiting for an opportunity to regale you with his empty promises, because he is effectively homeless and potless and he is only thinking about number one.

Do not go there, stay strong, and avoid him like the plague he is!

RoxyRobin · 17/07/2012 16:14

Well ... you talk about chemistry, but he did say he didn't fancy you any more (sorry to bring this up - I know it's an upsetting thing to have to recall).

KirstyWirsty · 17/07/2012 16:14

Ok .. you love him ..What do you love most about him? I am curious ..

I would get him to sign that he does not want any claim on your assets regardless of what you want to do next.

Bet you he doesn't sign .. he will expect to get his feet back under your table and then the matter will not come up again because you are so grateful to have him back

xxx

startingagain88 · 17/07/2012 16:26

He said that he said lots of things that he didn't mean and he was sorry- I KNOW I KNOW!!

Kirsty, i suppose the thing i love most about him is that i feel relaxed in his company, we get on well, talk and laugh together really easily, i feel comfortable with him IYKWIM.

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 17/07/2012 16:30

He feels familiar you mean ...

He didn't feel comfortable when he was threatening you - climbing into your garden, sending you threatening emails and texts wanting to take your home from you telling oyu not to drive down her street though

Sorry .. I feel as though I am getting on at you now .. and I know you know what I am saying is right

Please get him to sign the disclaimer if you must start to see him again and see how that goes before you do anything else

xxx

startingagain88 · 17/07/2012 16:30

The truth is i suppose im frightened that i will never find anyone again that i feel that relaxed with, with whom i can be myself. We did have some wonderful times together and laughed so much......but unfortunately he has also made me cry more than anyone since he left.

OP posts:
startingagain88 · 17/07/2012 16:32

Kirsty, i really appreciate your support- i don't feel got at- i need some perspective!

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 17/07/2012 16:34

You are supported here no matter what you do but I really believe that he will do this again to you & you WILL find a much more supportive future partner

Wrongbow · 17/07/2012 16:37

Get something drawn up from your solicitor and get him to sign it without agreeing to date him or start again. I bet you he will not sign it.

This is a great idea. Do it!

Even if by some miracle he agrees... it's not you he wants, it's the comfy life he had with you. Living in your house for free, with you looking after him, running his business, having no life of your own... and he will very soon find himself another OW. Perhaps he will try to keep her secret this time... but he is too thick for that to last very long...

KirstyWirsty · 17/07/2012 16:41

Starting you are young and are just rebuilding your life, a new job , new friends , a bunch of us on here .. remember when you first came online and you said you had no one??

You will meet someone else .. but you should let yourself enjoy being you for a while first.

You deserve better than what he can give you ... which would be a whole load of future heartache ..

As the Beyonce song goes - 'What goes around comes back around' .. he is in tears now - think of the tears that you shed for him .. and the continued mental torture and threats .. did he care then ..??

xxx

Thermalsocks · 17/07/2012 17:20

Starting I am sorry to hear about your uncle. I assume he was your dear Mum's brother so it will have stirred up lots of memories.

You know really what you have to do don't you?
He has learnt a new tactic of not switching to Mr Nasty when you won't immediately do as he wants.

Try and imagine what life would be like if you took him back.

Could you ever trust him while you were out working and he was on his own 'working' on your house?

Could you ever trust him to take the dog for a walk/go to the pub on his own.

The memories of all those dark dark hours when you were crying alone; the awful things he said to you, the threats he made, the dreadful texts from OW that he did nothing to discourage.

Your fledgling new life, new friendships, new interests and exciting holiday would be at risk as he took you back into his lair.

And if none of that works there is always "The Tattoo"!!!

Kirsty's idea is a good one.
If you do feel yourself weakening please please make sure you have safeguards and strict conditions in place.

You have come so far, don't let it all go now.

RoxyRobin · 17/07/2012 20:07

Starting, there's only so many times people on here can tell you all the same stuff. As soon as you see someone's username on here you must know what they are going to say, and there are only so many different ways they can say it.

It's one thing to post messages of support when you've just bee dumped saying what a shit he's been and how you'll get over him, etc. but I must say I feel uncomfortable sticking my oar into your life and telling you what you should and shouldn't do when decisions are to be made.

Some of 'you' comes across in your posts but the fact is that I don't know you. Still less do I know him. He comes across as weak, selfish and duplicitous with no self-control. But there's always going to be more to someone than the sum of their faults.

A few women on this thread have had experiences very similar to yours have taken the man back and subsequently lived to regret it. Judging by your EX(?)'s behaviour up until now , I'd wager that he'd fall into the 'why the hell did I have him back category' As I've said before, it's not so much the infidelity itself that was so heinous - I sometimes wonder if I'd be tempted myself in the right (wrong?) circumstances - it was his horribleness afterwards.

Whatever - you've got all the collective advice you're ever going to get. Now you should search your heart and soul and let them put their case to the all-important head.

If I were in your place I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of that tattoo. It's not a triviality, it's a symbol of all the awful things he's done. If he's got any sense whatsoever (which I doubt) he'll be getting rid of that pdg.

As well as signing the legals, I'd make that a stipulation. No excuses accepted. Money his problem - perhaps he might think about earning some.

Look after yourself, lovely girl xx

captainmummy · 17/07/2012 21:44

You;re right Starting - it was near enough a marriage - 15 years. But marriages fail when the bastard dh goes off with another woman. which is what he did,and he would be still with her if she hadn't seen him for what he actually is

You love him, but does he love you?

NO.

Rowanhart · 17/07/2012 22:27

Lurker coming out if hiding to say please don't give this arch manipulator another chance. He's finally got to you and must be loving it.

Remember it is money he wants nt you.

Argh. I could bitch slap him....

fiventhree · 17/07/2012 22:36

Starting, I am speaking from the perspective of a 22 year relationship. We have had our ups and downs, and alot of down last year with infidelity etc.

Can I pull out one piece of advice that I had on MN , and which i see is true, from my own experience and others.

Listen to what they say at the time. It cant be swept under the carpet now. It is part of who he is.

He probably does care for you in some ways, and he misses the normality of what you had, just as you do.

However, look at what he was prepared to take, not just after he left, but even before.

Does that not tell you anything from which you can learn?

My prediction is that if you get back with him, you will get 6 months of fun and good times, followed by more of the sort of behaviour you had in the past.

You cant fix him. Any man who really saw his flaws would fix himself, and then come back. But he is a drinker and a man who wants an easy life, and admiration, and easy money, so why would he put himself through that if he can get you to do the angsting?

KirstyWirsty · 18/07/2012 09:21

Mornng Starting

Have you had any breakthrough in how you want to proceed with this?

We are here to support you!

xx

RoxyRobin · 18/07/2012 09:35

Ok, so he's said sorry, but apologizing is not enough. And I reckon he thinks it's going to be, despite his talk of counselling and doing whatever it takes.

He's now in a dreadful predicament, with no home and no money. And I suppose he now realises how much he depended on you to organize and support whatever work he did. He must feel truly desperate, and you are the only person he knows (apart from himself, which never seems to occur to him) who can rescue him from his plight.

He must have been in a blind panic when his house of cards started to collapse around him - hence his veering from abject pleading to nasty threats in a matter of minutes.

Mixed in with his self-pity (God! This man could cry for England!) will be genuine distress and guilt at what he has done to you. He's weak, not evil.

But I don't think he's got the staying power to put in the considerable effort needed for you to get beyond the betrayal and all the cruelty he subjected you to in its wake.

He'd be far from being alone among men in this. They really think a few weeks of saying how sorry they are and a few bunches of flowers will be enough and then it's time to cast off the sack-cloth and ashes for business as usual. But women need much more reassurance than this and a wise man will recognize this and act accordingly.

But yours has shown no signs of wisdom so far and will likely just get impatient and lose that temper of his when you 'can't let go'.

If despite the advice on this thread you do decide to 'date', don't get completely overwhelmed with feelings of relief and affection - let a part of you stand back and evaluate him dispassionately - you might just find he now gets on your nerves.

Don't forget we are not here to judge you, sweetheart. It's your life - we just don't want you to get hurt any more than you have been already, and advise accordingly.

x

Slugslasher · 18/07/2012 10:17

No, no, NO! Please tell us you have said "NO"......

Doha · 18/07/2012 11:06

Starting..

This mans is desperate. He has no money, no home and noone available for sex. You seem the easy option. You were so broken when he left he believes a wee bit sweet talking and he will be back within your 4 walls and your bed.
Given the chance he would still be with OW l bet, if he had the resources.
Once back he will again lay claim to 1/2 what is legally yours and l don't hink he would stay aithful for long.
You have come so far in such a short time. You are more independant, have more friends and a better social life. Please don't throw all this away for this twunt.
Your Mr Right is out there somewhere and he is certainly not your ex.

skyebluesapphire · 18/07/2012 14:09

Sorry you are being torn like this. It is so difficult when the heart fights the head xx

snuffaluffagus · 18/07/2012 18:08

Don't go back to him just because you don't think you can't do better.. you CAN do better and you deserve to. Don't fall for his shit. Come on, have some faith in yourself.

startingagain88 · 18/07/2012 19:33

Thank you all so much for your support and advice, sometimes i need help to see the wood for the trees. Ive spend the whole day today thinking this through in my head (while i should be working!) ..... at last i think i may have gained some clarity! :)

Yes, I miss him
Yes, I am sad about the way things have turned out
Yes, I wish he had never had the affair

But

No- He doesn't truly love me
No- He isnt telling me the truth - he is feeding me lies
No- I wont be giving him a 'second chance'

Hes using me..... im the easy option for him, familiar and comfortable, if she wanted him he would drop me without a thought.

This has got to stop - no more deliberating- ITS OVER AND FINISHED there is no going back.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 19:50

Make sure you stick to it OP. You need to start filling your life with stuff so that you don't have time to dwell on this situation, that's when you start thinking about going back in my experience.

Slugslasher · 18/07/2012 19:54

Yes, yes, YES! :)

startingagain88 · 18/07/2012 20:03

YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA!! :)

OP posts: