Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

I never used to say the word cunt. I have recently!!

Me neither, midwife. The liberating power of mumsnet knows no bounds

I have read your thread too midwife. May I say -also a well fitting use of the term. There are a few of them around.

You won't believe this now, starting, but before this year is out you will encounter him when you least expect to.

At this momentous time, you will look at him standing before you in all his patheticness, be astounded that you once thought he was the bees' knees, and kick yourself for shedding any tears over such a shabby creature.

When that moment comes, as it inevitably will, I hope you're dressed to impress and have your arm slipped into that of a dashing specimen of manliness

Starting I've just read all your threads tonight.
You've cone a long way and you're doing well. But!
He can only get into your head whilst you let him

Change your number
If you do speak to him just tell him you are now in a relationship

I don't believe he is living in poverty
I think he's playing you and possibly several others at the same time
He knows you still have feelings for him

So, if he thinks you're involved with someone else then hell have to concentrate on ow

Only, what you say is so true, i am holding on to the idea of this wonderful loving man, who made me feel like a queen, and couldn't do enough for me, i only remember the good times....

By making him my whole world, it has been so difficult to get over him leaving me, when i lost him i felt like i lost everything, and i just couldn't comprehend the way he treated me afterwards, the calls and texts etc

I really believe that when he made the decision to walk out on me, at that point i became nothing to him a non person, not worthy of his time or concern. Now he now sees me as a means to end (money), and will do what he needs to do to get what he wants.

This is a terrible, painful realisation for me and i am struggling to come to terms with the fact that the person that i loved for 15 years now just sees me as a cash machine. I simply don't understand how could treat me this way.

Easily.

He's never been the man you believed him to be. If he ever treated you like a queen, which I very much doubt, it would have been with of intention of having you treat him like a god king and, once you'd fallen into that trap, you'd be relegated to the status of humble servant to his majesty.

The manner in which he announced his departure and what he's done since, has merely revealed his true colours, and what you shouldn't lose sight of is the manner in which he conducted an affair with the ow while sharing your bed/living in your home.

You didn't have a clue what he was up to, did you? And that should be proof enough that he really doesn't give a shit about you - it's all about him.

Starting, when someone cheats and leaves and then behaves so despicably, it is so hard for the spouse/partner to come to terms with because it makes a mockery of everything that came before. It's entirely natural for your mind to struggle to accept that what you thought you had, was a lie. Your mind wants to make sense of it all, so resists the knowledge that this was always in him - you want to believe that at least some of your history was real and meaningful and true.

Possibly he did love you once (as much as someone like him is capable of, anyway), but he has shown himself to be a nasty man. It is possible to stop loving someone and still treat them with kindness, on the grounds that they are a fellow human being and you loved them once. He hasn't done this - he has demonstrated as clearly as possible, what kind of man he is. I honestly don't think that people like him are truly capable of feeling proper, real love - it's just not in him. None of that is a reflection on you.

You have so much time now - there will be someone new, who is better for you.

But Starting - he cheated on you before, when your parents died; at your very lowest ebb, you caught him out.

Then, x years later, you found out, the worst way, that he had cheated again (with OW).

How do you know that in between he hadn't cheated on you a million times? Short affairs. One night stands. Quick fumbles.

You just didn't know!

You may have had feelings for him, but I bet he has always thought of you as a soft bed/meal/ATM, to be kept sweet, until OW came along.

Now that the money's run out and she's kicked him out I bet she isn't pining for him, thinking he 'loved' her.

I went to the Freedom Programme last night and we looked at The Persuader: here's a summary of the sort of things a persuader gets up to:

The Persuader
Uses coercion or threats to control us AFTER we have left or reported him to wheedle his way back into the relationship, eg threatens to hurt or kill us or our children, cries, says he loves us, threatens to kill himself, threatens to report us to Social Services, DSS, etc

yy it's not entirely applicable in that you don't have children together (when you say your prayers, thank God for that starting!!) but the basics are there nonethless. He's trying to wheedle his way back - and not exactly covering his tracks, is he??

You're doing well. It is not unusual to get lured back in on some level - it's hard to chop the whole thing off in one go - but keep going sweetie. You'll get there.

Hi Ladies,

Quite a lot has happened over the last few days, so i thought i would post an update!!

Please dont flame me....i feel stupid enough as it is.........

His pleas of suicide got the desired result, i told him that i cared and i didnt want him to hurt himself..... he wanted to meet i said no on numerous times, but his tears and threats worn me down......

We met wednesday evening......hes in a state....he says he loves me, wants to get back together with me, is so sorry for everything that he has done. He was obsessed with the OW, he had only been seeing her a few weeks before he left, she was mad, a drinker, he didn't send those nasty text etc etc more lies, he held my hand said he wanted to give it a go between us.......... wanted to kiss me ( i said no.....). He wanted to come to the house to see the dog (i said no)

Thursday he calls upset again........I'd had time to think about the things he had said i didn't believe any of it and i finally wanted the truth, so i agreed to meet....

He looked stressed so I started to ask him lots of questions and he started tripping up, i called him on it and he got so angry he started telling me some truths( well what i/we thought was going on anyway)!

1. He loved the OW
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going)
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying
4. She is not an alcoholic
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc

6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened

1. He had been seeing her since November
2. He met her through work

I decided to leave, then telling him there was no hope in hell of us getting back together. He then called me and started the old script again, he going to take me to court, he is now going to get legal aid, im not being fair with him, he is owed money, he will take it all the way, i will have to sell my house, he wanted to get back together with me but i have said no (trying to put blame on me!!).

I think that was the most audacious bit...he has done all this shit to me, but because i say no to a reconciliation, this is all my fault!! im bringing it on myself!!

Anyhoo, his number has now been deleted, only communications through solicitors and i went to see my friend last night, who has had an invite to oz for xmas and has asked me too :) so the night wasn't a total washout!!

Be gentle with me........ :)

Deleting his number is not enough he can still send you texts and call you. You know this.

If you really do not want any contact you have to have his numbers blocked or preferably change your number so he can't call you on a number you don't recognise and answer.

1. He loved the OW - he still loves her not you.
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going) who cares or did he just say it to hurt you that he did something for her not for you?
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying - he would be back with her with a click of her fingers
4. She is not an alcoholic - who cares?
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc he wants to get back with you as you have money

6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened why the tattoo? he has lied before why believe this one?

1. He had been seeing her since November nasty fucking wanker, lying to you and cheating on your all that time while ripping you off financially and physically for his new business for a life with her
2. He met her through work now come on Starting, he hardly does any work how could he meet someone through work! So he lied again about meeting her walking the dog...

You probably felt you had to do this to give him 'one last chance'. Please cut the guy out like cancer now.

I don't think he will get far with legal aid for something he has no rights/paper work over but look more threats for you.

only an idiot would get back with this man. Don't make us think that of you...

Good for you for deleting Twatty's number at last. Christ on a Bike he's a piece of work isn't he. Christmas in Australia, woo hoo you lucky stick . Make sure your house is well secure when you go.

All I can say is thank god this idiot cannot hold it together long enough for you to fall for it!

I know hes good isnt he!-i have blocked and deleted his number.

1. He loved the OW - he still loves her not you.- I agree
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going) who cares or did he just say it to hurt you that he did something for her not for you? he told me he was doing it for himself and that she had a drink problem as well.- lies
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying - he would be back with her with a click of her fingers- correct
4. She is not an alcoholic - who cares?- he told me she was.. more lies
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc he wants to get back with you as you have money- correct

6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened why the tattoo? he has lied before why believe this one?- I'm not sure about this one, but either way the intention was there- says it all

1. He had been seeing her since November nasty fucking wanker, lying to you and cheating on your all that time while ripping you off financially and physically for his new business for a life with her... correct keeps his options open for four months
2. He met her through work now come on Starting, he hardly does any work how could he meet someone through work! So he lied again about meeting her walking the dog... i think this is true, he told me he went to do a quote for her and i do vaguely remember talking her on the phone organising the visit now i know her address !!

Xales, im not an idiot honestly ! Just someone who is finding all these lies overwhelming, i needed confirmation from him that the things i felt in my gut were true were, and i now have received that confirmation.

I now feel i have some closure.

My heart sank when I started reading that, but it all ended well! I hope this is the closure you need and you can finally move on from this waste of oxygen!

You didn't take him back so I don't think you are an idiot.

Can't believe he tried the emotional blackmail of wanting to see the dog after all that time saying it was your problem.

It's still early days. I read (probably on here) you have to allow a month for every year you were together.

Can I come to Oz? Pleeeeeeze

How could we ever flame you Starting? He is so unbelievably persistent & manipulative that you were bound to crumble briefly. BUT you have got closure & deleted him. Please ignore all texts, calls, emails, letters even from a backstreet shyster solicitor until you get a court summons which you won't unless he wins the lottery to pay his legal fees. Between a rock & hard place twunt?!!!

You must feel emotionally exhausted after all that.

He's never going to man up, is he?

He's had far more kindness and concern from you recently than he deserved, and he doesn't even realise it.

Time to sail away - you must leave him to sink or swim now.

I think it was perhaps good for you to see him, as I think that you can now move on!

Wow Xmas in Oz, you lucky thing!!!

I'm not going to flame you - in a way it's good that you met him on Wednesday evening to hear his sob story, and within 24 hours he was threatening to reactivate his legal action against you, take all your money and ensure you lost your house. How many times over the last few months have conversations with him (on the phone and in person) played out in exactly the same way? He's still the same old broken record.

Hi starting,

Glad you have finally deleted and blocked his number. We know it is so hard to cut someone out, when you want to believe that they love you, so well done on having the strength to see through him and make the final break. No flaming here, you have had a tough time and are coping very well x

Just thinking about his mendacity - my DSisIL said this about DH's ghastly brother: "He lied, and he lied, and he lied". She said to lie just became an automatic response for him.

DH said he wasn't like this when they were growing up. It just seemed like once he'd started he couldn't stop. When their father was elderly he took - well, stole - thousands upon thousands of pounds from him to fund his holiday-a-month lifestyle with the OW (and subsequent OWs). He lied to his father that he had done it, then lied to DH when the father asked him to tackle him on his behalf, when the proof was there in black and white facing him. He just got angry as if it were everyone else's fault.

When the father had just died and they were sitting facing one another over his still-warm body, his brother asked DH for a 'loan' because he was deeply in debt. Clearly we were supposed to fill the gap so recently left by his dad.

Lying is obviously your ex's default mode, too. And they never stop.

Starting- well done for not falling for it. I understand why you had to snd would have done the same I'm sure. If it feels like closure then that is good. This will help you to move on. My counsellor told me today that by seeing the lies you can accept that it's not your fault.