Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

Oh totally agree with izzy if he does 'attempt' something leave him in the care of the proper services do not let him back to sleep even on your couch for one night.

Please!

So glad things are going so well.

The worst thing you could do for him is to weaken and 'help' him emotionally or financially. He has to face up to himself now - all the mistakes and poor choices he has made, all the shit, shabby things he has done.

If you throw him a line he will never learn to take responsibility for himself and become a wiser man. Having to pull himself together and get on with life (like you had to do!) is his only chance of becoming a better, happier person.

We're all familiar with the 'cruel to be kind' approach. Well, this is what he needs. Not that you'd be cruel, but you must ignore him - it's the best way to help him in the long run.

I'd be willing to be cruel to him if you'd send him in my direction, but then I'm getting well hard in my old age - Cruella de TrulyVile.

Here's a quote from drfayray's recent update: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1508084-Update-It-has-been-a-year-since-I-first-posted-about-the-demise-of-my-24-year-marriage

"although I have lost a husband, I have found myself"

Drfay had been married for 24 years when her twunt now ex-h summarily announced he was leaving her for an ow no longer loved her.

If you 'find yourself' you'll never find yourself in this situation again as no man will have the power to bring you to your knees.

"he has run out of money for the case re the house etc and has uninstructed his solicitor" - HA HA, excellent :o

He won't seriously try to kill himself. No-one cares about him? Oh diddums, is that the world's smallest violin? Maybe that's because he is a selfish shitbag who doesn't care about anyone except himself.

Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well :)

Hey Starting glad things are going well with the job!!

You sound pretty sorted .. I am so pleased for you!! :)

xx

Starting,
I can understand why you are feeling anxious, even though it's highly unlikely he'll do anything. If you are worried, why not inform his GP (or even the local PCSO) about his suicide threats? That way you can gain complete peace of mind. You'll have discharged your 'responsibilities' (not that you have any) and put the matter in the hands of the professionals.

Don't respond directly though. He only wants to be your friend to ask for money as a 'mate'. If he does manage to secure loans you can bet that legal action will be reactivated.

Delighted to hear how well you're doing!

Well done Starting!!
Just to echo what everyone else has said, do not give him an inch, he will take a mile and run you over again!

Hey starting, nice to see you are on the up, and back at work. I expect you have seen many threads on here where the lying cheating h finally threatens suicide.

It seems to make the woman back off sharpish and it seems to be designed to get the spotlight off his crap behaviour and himself back into the conjugal bed. Playing the 'poor me' card, but on a grand scale.

I dont think it is always a strategy, although it never seems to be carried out. The thing is, people who behave like your exp do not take responsibility or consider the feelings of others- so it is unsurprising that they start shouting about killing themselves when they have backed themselves into a very messy corner. Think how many teenagers and angry children say these things.

I am sure you will stay strong and not be swayed. And you are right, he didnt give a flying fuck about you when you were at your worst, and his interest in you now is entirely self- motivated, and no way at all in your interest.

I feel so pissed off with myself...... :(

Ive allowed him to get in my head again, after his suicide texts, he has begged me to come back saying that he loves me and that he has made a terrible mistake blah blah, it got to me, i found myself crying and back in that place i was a few months ago.

He has finally told his mum that we have split up, probably because he is going to have to stay with her at some point.

Please please remind me of all the shit he has done to me, and that this is all self pity that he is spouting- im ashamed to say i do still feel love for him and am finding this difficult...............help x

Oh dear .

Well you don't need us to remind you of the shit - one of the things about mumsnet is that you've got it all down there like in a diary. Just re-read your threads and see what he's done to you.

My DH's brother has been threatening suicide for years and is still with us, god help us. First time was when his DW wouldn't have him back after his first infidelity. She relented and he went on to cheat again.

Your heart and your head are at loggerheads again, Starting. But you know as well as any of us that if the OW was ready and willing to put up with him he wouldn't be crying to you.

It's not so much the infidelity itself that I found objectionable - it was the way he piled insult upon injury afterwards. He's got no respect for you, Starting, he really hasn't.

Thinking about you, lovely girl xx

Remember the threats, remember the abuse, remember the tattoo, remember his ow texting you, remember the lies, remember the 5* break they went on while you were devastated. Read your thread back from the beginning. Please delete his number so you can't reply & all his texts. Tell the police he is harassing you. You have done so well, we're so happy. Look how he makes you feel when he contacts you. The love you feel is for the man he used to be never in the beginning of your relationship before he got his feet under your table. He's a twunt.

Sorry he's got to you. You come across as a kind and caring person and it's not surprising that someone who shared your life for a number of years has got under your skin.

Sit down, read this thread through, and the two threads prior to this one. Makes notes if you have to about his behaviour.

He's cheated on you twice, leeched off you financially for years, left you dangling, left you in a wrecked house, blamed you for his affair, has been trying to fleece you for money for months, has broken into you home and threatened you, sent you abusive texts and pictures in order to prove his love for the OW, treated you like shit. The only times he has been nice to you are ones where he thinks he can persuade you to hand over money to pay for his holidays with the OW.
(have I missed anything??)

Oh Starting :( Please please read and re-read this thread again, and your old one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

He is a total cunt! He DOESN'T love you. He is LYING. He wants your money and nothing else. I beg you to block his number. Seriously, I will get down on my knees right here on the office and beg you!!!

Starting do you want a man who wants you for the lovely person you are or for your money?

This man went to a solicitor and sent you a letter telling you to get the fuck out of your own house so that he could move in and live there without giving a shit about where you would live.

This man idiotically tried to get loans by claiming he still lived at your house in order to go to a solicitor to get him to send that letter.

This man had a tattoo on his wedding ring finger for this woman while trying to persuade you to take him back because he loved you!

This man forced his way into your house, threatened and scared.

This man allowed OW (the woman he picked over you) to send you vile texts.

This man told you it was over, to STFU whining, your life & his your debts were your problems not his and he didn't give a shit.

So much more I could post. All you have to do is start at your first post to remind yourself.

You are having a wobbly please stay strong.

Starting, please think logically what would happen if you had him back. It would be all lovey dovey for a short while and then when he was feeling comfortable he would shit on you again from a great height , and he would do again confident in the knowledge he is able to worm his way back into your affections.

Don't even be remotely tempted, do you think he would be contacting you if he had just come into money??
He's potless and homeless at this moment in time, and you are his best bet if he can persuade you by fair means or foul.

Stop crying, take the dog for a walk and plan that holiday!

Everything that has already been said. Picture yourself with him back in the house, feet under the table, smug face and you never ever believing anything that comes out of his mouth. He's a liar,sponger,cheater who didn't give a fuck what happened to you while he was shagging that OW in a posh hotel. Delete his number and never speak to him again. He will be the end of you if you let him slime his way back into your life.

Been wondering how you are doing - glad to hear that work is going well and that he has run out of money and can no longer afford to screw you over, financially. When you find yourself feeling sorry for him or guilty, remind yourself that when he had financial resources he used them to threaten you and to support his relationship with OW. Remember that when you were sobbing your heart out, he was in a hotel fucking OW and getting a tramp stamp tattoo. Then, harden your heart - you owe this slimy shit nothing but your contempt.

Call the police love. He will be made to stop doing this to you.

RoxyRobin "It's not so much the infidelity itself that I found objectionable - it was the way he piled insult upon injury afterwards. He's got no respect for you, Starting, he really hasn't."

Indeed. Running off with an OW could possibly, maybe be classed as a "mistake". Going on to spend weeks and months abusing you, harassing you, lying to you, trying to get your house and your money and manipulate you, basically being a cold, calculating, unfeeling, selfish, evil twat - no way can he pass all that off as a "mistake". No way.

What xales said. Sorry can't post more my internet is down so posting on my phone (and at work, naughty me)

Starting - you are crying for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. And maybe for a time you did. Not any more though and not for a long time. He has run out of money and has turned to you again. Infact, he really is the arch manipulator isn't he?

You are only human and it has only been just over three months. Of course you are not going to get rid of all those feelings straight away. But PLEASE go back to the very beginning of your threads when you were so desperately unhappy and he didn't give a shit because he was with another woman and didn't even have the guts to end the relationship properly before moving on. Remind yourself of how he bullied his way into your house that time and behaved disgustingly. Read back over your old posts then see how fabulously you have been doing.

You really need to delete this man's number once and for all. You owe him nothing. You are never going to move on whilst he can still contact you and text you with his mind games.

Now delete his number and do some holiday shopping!!!

Starting ditto ditto all the above. I feel like I've come to know a tiny snippet of who you are since this all started and you have been brilliant. I've learnt from you that you wasted a lot of energy on this twat - sorting out his business, dropping your life for him - and since he's fucked off he has actually done you a massive favour because you have a new job, new friends and colleagues, a new sailing hobby, a better relationship with your brother.

I have to dash but I'm thining of you and holding your hand, as we all are

*This man went to a solicitor and sent you a letter telling you to get the fuck out of your own house so that he could move in and live there without giving a shit about where you would live.

This man idiotically tried to get loans by claiming he still lived at your house in order to go to a solicitor to get him to send that letter.

This man had a tattoo on his wedding ring finger for this woman while trying to persuade you to take him back because he loved you!

This man forced his way into your house, threatened and scared.

This man allowed OW (the woman he picked over you) to send you vile texts.

This man told you it was over, to STFU whining, your life & his your debts were your problems not his and he didn't give a shit.

It would be all lovey dovey for a short while and then when he was feeling comfortable he would shit on you again from a great height , and he would do again confident in the knowledge he is able to worm his way back into your affections.

Starting - you are crying for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had*

I have just snipped the posts I loved from above...there's so much more I could have added but the above is vitally important...starting you asked to be reminded of why you should not even give him any more head space, these posts are it!

PS have been here since the first thread but name changed recently

Loads of love X

Thank you all so much............. i REALLY need someone to give me a good shake as I'm finding myself falling back into the 'i still love him' frame of mind.

He called a little while ago saying the same things etc , keeps asking for us to meet as he doesn't want to discuss things over the phone, i keep saying no and asking him questions.....this pissed him off and he started saying, 'look ive got ring round and get a loan-ive got £4 in my bank, do you want to meet or not?' when i said no he said ' this is why we broke up....you wont listen'- i said 'its not because you shagged that tart up the road then??'.lol

And there we have it................ he doesn't keep up the pretence for long does he?? Trying to blame ME for him walking out for the OW and ruining his life!! These guys are unbelievable!

As I typed before mumsnet when off line.

He only wants your Bank Account and your nice warm comfortable house.