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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First relationship since separation, out of the frying pan etc?

122 replies

PeepToes · 11/05/2012 23:49

Hi
I'm in my first relationship since splitting up from my abusive exH, 6 months down the line and I'm questioning his motives for being with me. We met online, and he pursued me, keen to meet my dcs etc. Hes in the military, lives on the camp, and I have my own place. As time has gone on it seems he only visits when I don't have the dcs. He denies me having kids as an issue. He is divorced and has dcs, whom he sees weekly. Money is becoming an issue in that we earn the same, but he has a lot of debt, and has little disposable income, unlike me. This has meant that I spend a lot more on us eg weekends away, most of the shopping etc. I'm in the process of buying my own house, he wants to move in once he leaves the military(end of the year). I will be mortgage free. I have lent him money.
I could go on. Basically I have doubts, but I do like him, am fond of him, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm worried he just wants me, not me and my kids, and I'm getting fed up compartmentalising my life. He knows how I feel, and has suggested he will make time to come over during he week when the kids are here.
My closest friend feels he is just with me because of the lifestyle I have, and he is shallow and selfish.
I don't know what to think.
What would you make of this? Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

oikopolis · 11/05/2012 23:55

i would be running a mile, sorry

PigletUnrepentant · 11/05/2012 23:58

I don't think it will take long for dear old solidgoldbrass to come and say it, but just in case she misses the thread... one word:

Cocklodger.

You are buying into a lot of trouble.

PooPooInMyToes · 11/05/2012 23:59

I wouldn't rush into anything, you've only been together 6 months, no need to be moving in together. Especially as you say you are fond of him but you don't mention love and you are suspicious of his motives which suggests you don't know him well enough yet to say for sure.

If you don't want to pay for weekends away then just don't and don't lend him money if it makes you uncomfortable.

It sounds like you are just sort of going along with it without really thinking about if its what you want.

oikopolis · 12/05/2012 00:03

agree with Piglet this man should be made to wear the scarlet letters CL because he is just making it a leeeeeetle too obvious

suburbophobe · 12/05/2012 00:14

You like him and are fond of him. That's no basis to have a man move into yours. How about your DCs? If he's not even keen to get to know them, how can you have him planning to move in? Your DCs should be your nr. 1, any man is secondary.

For god's sake stop funding his lifestyle and lending him money. He's using you.

Listen to your doubts. You have them for a reason.

Original poster

PeepToes · 12/05/2012 00:17

Err, what's a cocklodger??

OP posts:

oikopolis · 12/05/2012 00:19

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cocklodger

Original poster

PeepToes · 12/05/2012 00:23

When I was typing it became plain to me, that he probably is using me, I'm cross with myself for being a mug. Sad, really.

OP posts:

myfriendflicka · 12/05/2012 00:24

You don't need to be really serious with him do you? Why does he need to move in?

If you do like seeing him and enjoy his company, and like sleeping with him, limit it to that.

Say: "I don't want anything serious, but if you want to go out, or fuck, I am okay with that (if you are)."

After divorces, death, (or before, but sometimes it takes these seismic events before we think, "hmm, I'd like to drive my life myself, I don't need a partner to do it for me, but I would like a bit of sex and company sometimes, but not the total meddling opt finances, living space, etc,") etc, I think we can say what we would like relationship wise, and what would fit in with our lives. Have boundaries.

That is the way forward rather than anything traditional, wouldn't you say?

TheHappyHissy · 12/05/2012 00:27

Break it down Peep...

We met online, and he pursued me - RED flag

keen to meet my dcs etc - RED flag

Hes in the military (sorrym but...) - RED flag

lives on the camp, and I have my own place. Probably RED flag too

As time has gone on it seems he only visits when I don't have the dcs. He denies me having kids as an issue. He is divorced and has dcs, whom he sees weekly.

At 6m in, tbh he's right NOT to see your DC, you need to be careful to keep the DC away from him, for as close to a year as poss. PRECISELY due to this feeling unsure about him.

Money is becoming an issue in that we earn the same, but he has a lot of debt, and has little disposable income, unlike me.

Do you know this for a fact? He could be BSing you? Another form of abuse is to spend OUR money - RED flag

This has meant that I spend a lot more on us eg weekends away, most of the shopping etc. I'm in the process of buying my own house, he wants to move in once he leaves the military(end of the year). I will be mortgage free. I have lent him money. See above.

I could go on. Basically I have doubts LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, this guy is the not-serious guy to get you back into the swing of things, but at the same time for you to learn to notice RED FLAG behaviour.

This relationship - from the speed of it at the outset - to me, is ringing HUGE alarm bells!

Time to ditch him, go and find another man, but put a stop to those that pursue you.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

izzyizin · 12/05/2012 00:46

He's in the military, lives on the camp in a nice cosy all-inclusive billet.

and I have my own place where he has a nice cosy all-inclusive billet with you as his personal ATM.

I don't give much for his chances of making it on his own in civvy street.

When's he going to repay the money you've lent him?

kittycatwoman · 12/05/2012 01:57

Peep, it appears that you are enjoying the sex with him and the fun you have with him. The best thing would be to keep it at that and dont let him into your life. Dont let him move in and dont lend him any more money. Keep him at bay till you find someone better. This isnt a long term thing.

GoPoldark · 12/05/2012 02:03

Listen to your instincts. Always.

He sounds bad...

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 12/05/2012 02:19

Sorry bit of a thread hijak, but why is him pursuing her a red flag? Are we talking pursuing in an OTT way? Or just showing an interest first, being the first to text, propose meeting up etc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2012 08:31

If for no other reason that he's sponging money off you, don't take this relationship any further. If you have your own home and some cash he almost certainly sees you as a meal ticket. Sorry.

hattifattner · 12/05/2012 08:43

He's been a good transitional man. Time to move on to find someone you can have an equal partnership with.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2012 08:53

You're not a mug. You've had some fun, you've spent some money and you've just been unlucky. What's positive about it is that you've learned from your experience and you've realised what's going on relatively quickly. In your next relationship your radar will be even more tuned in and you'll spot an arsehole even quicker. Making mistakes is natural but, as long as you emerge older and wiser, it's not time wasted.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/05/2012 08:54

Sponger. Dump.

Original poster

PeepToes · 12/05/2012 08:55

Thanks for all your messages. When I went online it was to have a bit of fun, but it was so flattering to think someone wanted to be with me so much, it was very seductive. The first thing that struck me as odd as he used to say things like our house, coming home to see you etc, which I found weird.
I think the way forward is for me to stop lending him money, etc, and just keep things at arms length.
Interestingly, we had a row a week ago, and my friend suggested going back online....so I did, and saw a profile uncanningly like his, then I got a text saying he was setting up his friends online dating account and saw I was back on, so I said I take it you're ....... And he said no!. Ashamed to say I made a similar excuse for being back on. Doesn't bode well.....

OP posts:

hattifattner · 12/05/2012 09:00

I think you've come to the end of the relationship - the fact you are both looking.....end it with dignity now (and run for the hills)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2012 09:04

'Our house'... that old chestnut. He thought he was onto a nice touch what with the cash and the weekends and getting his feet under the table in a nice property that he doesn't have to pay towards. You shouldn't have to pay a man to go out with you. Unless your arms are a mile or two long I'd put him a bit further away than arms' length :)

TheHappyHissy · 12/05/2012 09:04

Holycamera: Heavy pursuit of someone, going too far too fast is a red flag. Him talking about moving in when he leaves the army is an example of that, they've only been together 6m and he has yet to meet the kids.

ADD to this the update from talking about OUR house etc... Oh yes, this man is looking for a place to live when he gets out of the army, and he's not bothered whose house it is.

The guy I just got rid of did the same kind of thing, but in his situation he is unwell and kind of needs to be supervised. That's all well and good, but whenever I had an issue, minor or just needed a bit of de-stressing, he always turned things around to himself, and utterly dismissed MY feelings. He went full on charm at the beginning, gifts etc, always insisted on paying for everything, babysitter, food etc. But when I held out for an apology after he really upset me, he got snappy and nasty.

This guy also called me out on being seen online on the dating site. #

Peep, if he was setting up for his friend, surely his friends photo might be the better option to use. It's BS, he's still looking.

Dump him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/05/2012 09:08

I think the way forward is for me to stop lending him money, etc, and just keep things at arms length.

Why don't you want to end it completely?

Longdistance · 12/05/2012 09:09

Awww. Peeptoes, I think you should finish with him. He sounds like he's taking advantage of your kind nature, and really taking the piss.
As with regards to him referring to your new house as his home, he does sound like a cocklodger to me.
I do think he's online again trying to find some other poor unsuspecting woman to put up with him, as as you say he's leaving the army, and will have no where to go, so is really looking for bed and board for free, so he won't have to do anything.

midwife99 · 12/05/2012 09:34

Don't lend a man money, pay for him or give him free room & board. He's a cocklodger. You will "inherit" his debts if he moves into your house. He's not interested in your DCs. Run for the hills!!!!!

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