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Original poster

First relationship since separation, out of the frying pan etc?

122 replies

PeepToes · 11/05/2012 23:49

Hi
I'm in my first relationship since splitting up from my abusive exH, 6 months down the line and I'm questioning his motives for being with me. We met online, and he pursued me, keen to meet my dcs etc. Hes in the military, lives on the camp, and I have my own place. As time has gone on it seems he only visits when I don't have the dcs. He denies me having kids as an issue. He is divorced and has dcs, whom he sees weekly. Money is becoming an issue in that we earn the same, but he has a lot of debt, and has little disposable income, unlike me. This has meant that I spend a lot more on us eg weekends away, most of the shopping etc. I'm in the process of buying my own house, he wants to move in once he leaves the military(end of the year). I will be mortgage free. I have lent him money.
I could go on. Basically I have doubts, but I do like him, am fond of him, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm worried he just wants me, not me and my kids, and I'm getting fed up compartmentalising my life. He knows how I feel, and has suggested he will make time to come over during he week when the kids are here.
My closest friend feels he is just with me because of the lifestyle I have, and he is shallow and selfish.
I don't know what to think.
What would you make of this? Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
hattifattner · 14/05/2012 09:54

peep, Id be willing to bet that the money spent on the credit card went on gifts for the ex. Not the kids.

Any man willing to jump headlong into a relationship within weeks of ending and engagement.....hmmm, clearly his feelings run deep.

And you challenged him and he got all shouty - because he was supposed to be marrried this weekend. He is just using you. He spends a lot of time away from you. He is a player, almost certainly.

Id also bet that he will "pay" you what he owes in return for a financial stake in the house. But then will still have those debts and will expect you to pay them because you are a partnership.

Does he have a post military job lined up at all? Or does he expect to become a kept man?

Maybe the ex broke things off because she could see where the relationship was heading.

Mogyzogwon · 14/05/2012 10:53

FGS get a grip. You are being used.

Cancel the credit card immediately before he spends any more of your money.

Tell him to fuck off NOW!

Don't hold your breath on getting any of your money back. Just swallow your medecine and move on AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS ARSEHOLE AS POSSIBLE !

You could try military channels to recover these debts ???/

And learn from this massive mistake.

Hope you make the right decision and good luck.

Don't delay!!!!!!!!!

PooPooInMyToes · 14/05/2012 12:40

Seriously! The more you post the worse he sounds!

As for you, it sounds like you've been through a lot, you need to look after yourself and think about you Smile

pictish · 14/05/2012 13:05

6 months in, and this debt-ridden disaster is spending your money like water and referring to your mortgage free house as 'ours' is he? 6 months in.

I can see that you are a vulnerable woman, having been treated badly in the past, and I feel for you, I really do.....but I will say this too - if you do not heed your own intuition and the advice you are getting here, you will end up on the receiving end of further foul treatment and find yourself embroiled in another shit relationship.
This guy is out for himself wholly and entirely ok?

Listen to us. Listen to yourself!!

Original poster
PeepToes · 14/05/2012 13:43

So, I checked my credit card online, and confirmed that it was gifts for his kids, a bike and an Nintendo. I'm not mean but it's not even their birthdays! I have cancelled the card. I feel that he has taken advantage of me. If this hadn't happened, then maybe things would be ok. I mean if he genuinely used the card for emergencies, not luxuries, maybe that would have been acceptable.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 14/05/2012 13:44

Oh dear. you say you are taking things on board, but I don't think you are. Don't get me wrong people on a forum cannot tell you what to do it's absurd.

Do you not see though? You are like one of those women, scammers and users cherry pick off dating sites. Use them and their money until destitute then fuck off.

I have to say, I think if you don't act soon and carry on walking head on into this disaster. You'll be one of those women in the hair salon mags that lost everything to a player and con artist in the name of love. I think he smells you need to feel appreciated and loved, they all do, he smells your issues. You are buying him, no way does he love you, he is using you. If that statement is wrong, I'll eat my hat,

He was due to get married, so percentages are high you are a rebound. He has lots of debt. He is spending your money like water. What is he gonna do when it runs out? He will be out of cushty living soon, where he is currently getting dirt cheap rent, dirt cheap food, and if he is unqualified probably a higher salary than civvy street..........So when he leaves he is looking to walk into more of the same. You become his bed, board and paymaster.

So I'd think long and hard about your child, not yourself. You sound very financially secure, for this not to have phased you. What happens when you find out he has drained it all? Taken out finance in your name on the house etc? What are you going to do? As sure as black is black. This man WILL drain you and leave you with nothing. Protect your children's future if not your own.

Houseofplain · 14/05/2012 13:46

Xposts.

That's a start. But I think he will continue to worm his way in. You need to be very careful. This man is out to use you and spend your money like confetti. He will eventually drain you completely.

Mogyzogwon · 14/05/2012 13:51

You've taken the first step, now keep going and get rid of this spounging waste of space.

Be brave, go girl go, we are all behind you without exception......no one here gave any support to this cocklodging tosser whose only prospects seem to be his debts.

Mogyzogwon · 14/05/2012 13:54

Houseofplain, Totally agree.

pictish · 14/05/2012 13:57

He will explain away the extravagant gifts as him trying to re-connect with his children...or whatever else dross he thinks will tug at your heartstrings, and make you feel guilty to the point of responsibility.
It is not your responsibility to provide gifts for his kids ok? he got himself into debt remember. Who's fault is it he is short of cash? NOT YOURS!!

Oh...and your house is not his too.

6 MONTHS

He'll starve your dc to feed his face. Yes...yes he will.

NettleTea · 14/05/2012 14:25

The most worrying thing is your willingness to go along with this just because he said nice things to you, and you COULDNT BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE WOULD MEAN THAT ABOUT YOU.

THIS is the red flag. THIS is what is going to make you vulnerable to users such as this guy.

You may be lonely, but you are not ready for a relationship until you understand what you are worth, and its a hell of alot more than being a meal ticket for someone who starts throwing their weight about as soon as you raise any questions.

I think you need to get yourself some councilling, or maybe onto the Freedom Programme, way before any assertiveness training. The assertiveness will come once you have the self belief and self confidence to put some normal healthy boundaries in place. I dont want to be mean, Im not trying to be horrible, but this sounds like my ex, who cocklodged off me and destroyed me after a similar start. I didnt feel worthy of love and a decent relationship, and I didnt get one.

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 14:52

Have you dumped him yet?!!!! Confused

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2012 14:56

Crikey, I know everyone is saying the same thing, but I am shocked that you have let it get this far this fast in such a short time. So, just in the hope that strength of numbers helps you, I am adding to the clarion cries of "Get rid"!

Things that stand out for me include him not seeming to want to be around your children. Seems to me he doesn't like them. The woman of his dreams, and/or the woman he has been waiting for?? If he was crazy about you he would recognise that your children help make you who you are and he would be delighted to be around them. (yes, I do mean delighted).

He is on the rebound from what you've said. He sounds mixed up, a mess. You and your children are safe and secure because of you and your ability to provide for them. This is all at risk. I agree with the poster who said he'd let your children starve to feed his face!!

He's a horror, a user. Why the rush? You need to spend some time on your own (imho).

Please please see him for what he is. If it walks like a duck etc etc

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2012 14:58

Sorry -"the poster". How rude, Pictish only posted three posts up!

Original poster
PeepToes · 14/05/2012 15:43

Ok I need to walk away, I can see that. I have one thing that troubles me, a few weeks ago, he didn't come over at the weekend, the first since we'd got together. Said he was meeting friends. Then on the sat night texted to say, whoops I missed my lift into town, so I suggested he come over, to which he responded he was ill. I said it sounded like an excuse, and he went nuts saying I called him a liar etc. This blew over, but this is why I started to have doubts about whether he was genuine or not. A few days later, I texted and asked of everything was ok, and again he went nuts saying if I was insecure in our relationship, then we had no future. That I was paranoid and mistrustful. I may well be those things but I feel it's because he gave me cause for concern. And I feel if he did love me then we would work through my insecurities. This has been bugging me.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 14/05/2012 15:54

Oh dear. He sees you are insecure. So he goes nuts at you, so you feel "relieved" when he still stays with you. You have been buying his time literally. You don't need this man to fix you. He will bleed you dry and ruin your future and that of your child with not a pot to piss in.

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2012 16:03

You must trust your instincts. He is doing a number on you, emotionally, financially etc.

pictish · 14/05/2012 16:30

If nothing else - please please tell us you won't give him another penny!!

oikopolis · 14/05/2012 16:43

of course this stuff has been bugging you!!

because he has been demonstrating to you, with absolute clarity, that he is a twunt! if that didn't bug you, well, you would be quite silly really...

i'm not sure why you're still talking through each thing that he did, are you trying to decide whether to get shot of him or not?

or do you want to just go through his behaviour little by little as you get used to the idea that you are going to get shot of him?

well done for cancelling the card btw. that was actually a very assertive and positive thing to do, particularly in light of the fact that you know you've got assertiveness issues already. i hope you can continue in that vein!!

schobe · 14/05/2012 16:50

Omg sounds like you really are the woman wallet he always wanted to meet.

Any chance of getting the money or car/bike/nintendo back before you ditch him?

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 17:00

He's a liar & he IS nuts not just going nuts! Please save yourself & your kids from a real nightmare situation in the future!!

NicknameTaken · 14/05/2012 17:15

He was with another woman that night he blew you off. I'd put money on it. That kind of over-reaction = something to hide.

Glad you've cancelled the card, glad you're beginning to trust your instincts, glad you've got the wise women of MN to tell you to raise your standards!

He is taking the absolute piss. He's only known you a few months and has taken large sums of money from you under false pretences. He's a con man, and you deserve so much better.

NettleTea · 14/05/2012 17:18

I think the man doth protest too loudly.....

again, my ex. used to fly off the handle saying 'do you think i am a liar' at the slightest query.
And you know what? he was a liar. He was a huge great fuck-off youve never seen lies like it liar.

ThereGoesTheYear · 14/05/2012 17:36

It's brilliant that these things are bugging you. That they ring alarm bells loud enough to make you ask the questions on here. It means that your instincts are in working order, but you've gotten out of the way of trusting them. Living with an abuser can do that to you - you get so used to being told that everything you do and think is wrong that you stop believing that little voice. And you're allowing your need to feel loved to drown out that little voice.

But you know what? Your instincts are bang on the money here. You knew the financial stuff wasn't right, his unkind and suspicious behaviour that weekend has been bugging you. Trust your instincts, don't just create a bit of distance, but, as you say, walk away.

You sound lovely and giving and smart. You deserve so much better. Not all men are wankers like the 2 you've mentioned here.

Original poster
PeepToes · 14/05/2012 19:27

Oikopolis, I think I just wanted a place to air all my concerns, clearly my relationship is over, and it's sad when you feel emotionally involved. Almost feels that I've failed in a way. And the thought that I might be attracting theses controlling men freaks me out. I may be naive but I'm no mug, and I hate being taken for a fool. I offered him lots, a lovely home, etc. We live in a small town where I work as a GP. I think he liked the potential lifestyle I offered. And that's upsetting in a way, thinking it wasn't me, but material things he craved. Anyhow. I will finish it. It's no big deal. I've emotionally detached myself. Can't believe how much support I've had, I really appreciate it. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts: