First relationship since separation, out of the frying pan etc?

[PeepToes]

Hi
I'm in my first relationship since splitting up from my abusive exH, 6 months down the line and I'm questioning his motives for being with me. We met online, and he pursued me, keen to meet my dcs etc. Hes in the military, lives on the camp, and I have my own place. As time has gone on it seems he only visits when I don't have the dcs. He denies me having kids as an issue. He is divorced and has dcs, whom he sees weekly. Money is becoming an issue in that we earn the same, but he has a lot of debt, and has little disposable income, unlike me. This has meant that I spend a lot more on us eg weekends away, most of the shopping etc. I'm in the process of buying my own house, he wants to move in once he leaves the military(end of the year). I will be mortgage free. I have lent him money.
I could go on. Basically I have doubts, but I do like him, am fond of him, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm worried he just wants me, not me and my kids, and I'm getting fed up compartmentalising my life. He knows how I feel, and has suggested he will make time to come over during he week when the kids are here.
My closest friend feels he is just with me because of the lifestyle I have, and he is shallow and selfish.
I don't know what to think.
What would you make of this? Thanks for reading!

Military red flag (shock) wow just wow. That's like saying single mum, red flag. Grouping a huge section of people into one group.

So he took redundancy. The only chance you have of getting your money is to start proceedings NOW. As you know there is a lump sum coming. I doubt the telling his line management will phase him or his bosses. As he is leaving anyway, I doubt he has high sc with his issues anyway. However he will still have to be on good behaviour to get the redundancy. So I would report it and start a legal claim to get it back. As once debts reach that stage it really is a big no-no to not declare them. So you have more chance of the court/military intervening and taking the cash out of his redundancy before he blows it.

Aw Peep Jeeze what does this guy actually do for YOU? What does he bring to the relationship? What are you fond of exactly?
How does he make YOU feel like number 1?

You are not lending him money; he is stealing from you. A credit card he 'borrows' for emergencies but regularly spends £500/month on? He's relying on the fact that you don't do confrontation.

Don't feel like you should stay with him so that he can repay you - unless as said upthread, you can threaten to get in touch with his superior officer, I doubt you'll get it back willingly, whether you're together or not.

Chalk it up to experience, you've had a trial run at getting back into the dating scene.

Get that credit card stopped TODAY!!!

leguminous. Good post.

Op. The more you tell about this man the worst it sounds.

Houseofpain. So you have more chance of the court/military intervening and taking the cash out of his redundancy before he blows it.

Would they really do that?

OP my honest opinion is, yes. Cancel that card now and get shot of
Mr Freeloader. I can understand how this has come about as in you maybe thinking "what man will take a woman on with 3 young kids" turn this mindset around and remember OP children are not baggage but blessings and there are plenty of men out there who can also see this.

"the woman he always wanted to meet, and I struggle to believe someone could say such things and be a user."

Sorry but there are loads of men who have always wanted to meet a woman who will give them her credit card and let them blow thousands on it.

Poo poo If she makes a claim legally through the courts for the money. Then he is going to have a hard time denying his lack of funds, when she knows he is getting a golden goodbye. So she is in good stead via the courts. That is her best option. Put in a money claim now, so she can get the court award, then get the court to sort out the payment, he won't be able to deny to them he is getting a payout. Get it sorted before he gets his money.

Thing is with work, people know he is going, he knows he is going, so will people actually care. Probably not. Gone are the days where being held to account for every debt in your bosses office and handing over your cards. However if she starts making a claim for the debt whilst he is in service still. Then yes they could influence him paying it back. As court action, CCJs etc affect your standing and your ability to hold security clearance, reputation etc. So they could press him to sort it. They do still need to behave and conform to service life to get until redundancy, fitness tests etc. So racking up big debts, court action, without telling the boss. Could cause him problems.

Please get it in writing that he will pay you the money back. It might be difficult to get him to write it down but you could text him about it and hopefully he will admit he owes it that way. You can then try and recover the money via the courts if he doesn't cough up. You can do it without anything written down if all else fails.

I met a guy a few years ago who I went out with for 6 months. Didn't meet him online, not that that makes a difference. He was off work sick and I lent him money for a couple of months rent which he should have claimed HB but didn't. It became obvious that he was struggling to repay me and it completely changed the relationship. I came to resent him so finished it. I did eventually get the money back but I would never lend anyone money again, unless I really didn't want it back.

I wouldn't let him move in. It sound like life is going to be easy financially and he will be a liability. Don't let him drag you and your DC's down.

oh OP...

how do you think users hook women into their games? well... they say EXACTLY the things this guy has said to you.

do you think they say "well i'm a cocklodger. i'm using you. i sort of like you but not really. can i have the credit card please? i'll never pay you back of course."

no of course not. they say "you're the love of my life. i will be with you forever. we are a family. can i have the credit card please? of course i'll pay you back really soon, because you're so amazing and i respect you so much."

WHY on earth do you want to continue seeing such a horrible user? don't you think you deserve someone who actually wants to be around you? not just around your money?

Contact his unit and ask to speak to the Regimental Sargent Major if he a non-commissioned officer or the Adjutant if he is an officer and inform him/her that he has borrowed/stole money from you and that you want it back. It is considered extremely bad form in the Army to owe money and particularly to take advantage of people.

He is a leach and you should get shot of him. Was it Plenty of Fish?? I would avoid anyone from the Army that uses that site as every guy I know that has used it has done it for sex or to get cushty weekends away from barracks or when they get home from tour and some have even targeted single mothers.

I am very sorry he has been like this towards you.

Why is it that armed forces=army. Correct me if I'm wrong but where has op said he's army?

Tbh I would not be relying on the forces to bail her out. Years ago, you'd be hauled over the coals and have to hand your cheque book in and cards. Now however....they are more relaxed about debt. Your debt, your problem. Only time it's an issue. Is if it's deemed to be excessive for your sc, it's affecting your work or, there are legal proceedings started. See lower ranks, with low sc can even now be on dmps as long as its all declared. The only way she will get them to act is if she starts to claim the money back through legal channels. With him being off so soon, they won't want to get involved in a bf/gf tiff. Again stealing. If the police say so then yes they will act. But is it stealing? She is allowing him to continue to use the card after all.

If I was in the type of financially secure position that you obviously are in, I would not discuss it or mention it until at least four months into a relationship.
And yes, he sounds like bad news!

Hi
What leguminous posted rings true. Entitlement is what it feels like. My fault for allowing him to borrow my card, but he did say emergencies. And I felt sorry for him. He's supposed to be coming round tonight, kids are at home. For me I think it is company but as you've rightly said, plenty time for that. Thank you for all your insightful comments. Mumsnet is great, helped me make decision to leave my abusive marriage 18 months ago.

Sweetheart because you are so lovely, these bastards can practically smell this and they use and abuse your good nature I can say this because it happened to me in the past, the bastard screwed me, a single mum for £2,000.

I'd be very wary of anyone with an inflated sense of entitlement as abusive men usually have that. Playing the sympathy card and making you feel sorry for him is also a red flag for EA and sociopathy. Dump him and cancel that credit card!

If you hate confrontation and are financially secure, i would suggest get rid and forget about the money. I'm pretty sure he is going to show his worst face the moment you antagonise him, so please don't go on difficult conversations with him in private places and much less so with your children around, things could get quite nasty, and cancel that card before talking to him, considering his sense of entitlement, he is going to fight back big time for his house and the standard of living you are providing, even via agression and intimidation.

cancel the credit card with immediate effect.

The bit where he calls you insecure, paranoid etc and tells you he thinks you think hes a liar is projection. He is a liar.

Get rid quick!

Did you get your card back/dump him/insist on him repaying you when you saw him last night Peep?

I can't believe that after 6 months of dating he has your credit card & is involved in the building of YOUR new house! Fancy sponging off a single mum - shocking!! You can't allow this to continue!

I wonder if you are not recovered enough from your divorce to be in a relationship? Perhaps that's why you didn't protect yourself enough here and went diving in.

I'm sorry, Peeptoes, but you need to hear some straight talking here.

You have known this man for 6 months and given him your credit card?

You have then noticed lots of unnecessary spend, not agreed with you, and you havnt mentioned anything to him?

You acknowledge that you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, but didnt think it unusual to encourage a debt - ridden man who referred to your nearly mortgage free house as 'ours'?

Are you crazy??

Please can I suggest you get yourself to a counsellor asap, and look into your pattern of relationships.

I dont want to be mean, I am sure you are a lovely woman, but really you are doing yourself a big disservice, and dishonouring your own bravery in removing yourself from that previous abusive rellationship.

Also- the title of the thread- you know the answer yourself, dont you?

PeepToes, people have said everything that needs to be said, but I'm very worried for you. All of your posts don't indicate to me that you're planning to end this relationship. It's wonderful that you've left your abusive marriage but I can see the same pattern repeating itself here, only now you're lucky to catch this dysfunctional and harmful relationship in its early stages, and to get feedback from Mumsnet early on. You are clearly a very kind and open-minded person who dislikes confrontation but this man seems like an absolute user and loser and I am scared that your unwillingness to cause conflict may mean that you will continue to drift along in this relationship and continue to be used. I also think he is taking advantage of your kind nature by creating massive conflict whenever you challenge/ question him, which you dislike so you back off. The longer you allow this to go on, the harder it will be to extricate yourself, and the worse the "fallout" of the relationship will be, e.g., with you acquiring significant debt. I can say that people with a healthy self-esteem and solid personal boundaries WOULD NOT be in a relationship with this man and would see him for what he is.

For what it's worth, I'm in a happy relationship of 6 years and wouldn't dream of asking my partner for his credit card for my use, not even for emergencies. I'm probably a bit weird in the opposite direction to your boyfriend but the way I see it, I have an income and my own credit card - why would I want my partner's? And if I was struggling financially, I'd need to sort that out myself by reducing expenditure etc., not start creating financial problems for someone I love. It is VERY bizarre behaviour for someone to ask someone they've known for 4 months or less (from the sounds of it) for their credit card. A big red flag. It is even worse that he appears not even to be using your credit card for emergencies, but for anything he feels like buying - what a lack of consideration and a huge sense of entitlement. Would YOU do that to someone you've known for 4-6 months? You must cancel your credit card and never give him one to use again.

Also important is the fact that your friend really doesn't like him and sees him for what he is. Usually friends will be supportive of a friend's new boyfriend - even if he is not 100% their cup of tea - as long as they don't think he will harm their friend. For a friend to be telling you that she thinks he is using you and shallow and selfish is a really bad sign - listen to her and take action.

Some here are saying that if you want you could just scale things back and keep things casual - of course it is your life but I would strongly advise you to try to get your money back ASAP and then cut all ties with this man - he is only going to harm you and you don't appear to have the self-esteem/ personal boundaries to avoid this and for example "just have a fling", at this stage. This man is never going to give you what you want from life and you CAN attract other, non-dysfunctional men and have a nice relationship with them. I do strongly suggest counselling to try to develop your self-esteem/ boundaries. I am not saying that to be mean, I really think you would benefit.

Hi, what you are all saying makes sense. I left my previous marriage because my ex had an alcohol problem. I had depression, and have seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I'm now off medication. My depression, I felt was because of my horrible life, which I managed to extricate myself from. I thought I was ready for a relationship. I was very happy, and on top of the worls when I met this new man. But I do have self esteem issues, I was referred to a psychologist as my psychiatrist felt I needed help to be more assertive. You're right, I'm just drifting along, because I'm lonely. He can be very supportive, kind, helpful in a practical way, and when he refered to my things as ours, whilst I found it odd, i also liked that somebody wanted to be with me. It's funny because although one of my friends took a strong dislike to him, my other (my friend from childhood) found him to be kind and "got" me. So there was a diffenance of opinion.
The other night when he came over, he wasn't drinking, and I took that to mean he wasn't planning on staying, but he did. He seemed tired, and I asked him if he was ok, and he snapped at me, later apologising. I said that I'd already been in a relationship where I'd had to walk on eggshells, and I wasn't prepared to do it again. In the beginning he told me he'd been in a relationship until a few months before we met, but by the powers of deduction that is facebook, I realised his relationship had only finished a few weeks before we met, and that he had been engaged!! I challenged him about this at the time, and he said he didn't tell me as he didn't want to spoil things between us. He would have been getting married this weekend. He swore blind he wasn't on the rebound. So there have been a few things in the past that haven't been great either.
Anyhow. I am taking on board your comments, really I am. Thanks I do appreciate it.