First relationship since separation, out of the frying pan etc?

[PeepToes]

Hi
I'm in my first relationship since splitting up from my abusive exH, 6 months down the line and I'm questioning his motives for being with me. We met online, and he pursued me, keen to meet my dcs etc. Hes in the military, lives on the camp, and I have my own place. As time has gone on it seems he only visits when I don't have the dcs. He denies me having kids as an issue. He is divorced and has dcs, whom he sees weekly. Money is becoming an issue in that we earn the same, but he has a lot of debt, and has little disposable income, unlike me. This has meant that I spend a lot more on us eg weekends away, most of the shopping etc. I'm in the process of buying my own house, he wants to move in once he leaves the military(end of the year). I will be mortgage free. I have lent him money.
I could go on. Basically I have doubts, but I do like him, am fond of him, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm worried he just wants me, not me and my kids, and I'm getting fed up compartmentalising my life. He knows how I feel, and has suggested he will make time to come over during he week when the kids are here.
My closest friend feels he is just with me because of the lifestyle I have, and he is shallow and selfish.
I don't know what to think.
What would you make of this? Thanks for reading!

We met online, and he pursued me - RED flag

What was, asking her out? That's what you do isn't it? Why is being keen on someone a red flag? Assuming its not stalkerish.

keen to meet my dcs etc - RED flag

Im sure if he said he didn't want to meet them that would be said to be a red flag as well. Bloke can't win.

Hes in the military (sorrym but...) - RED flag

What! I know plenty of ex military people who are lovely responsible people.

lives on the camp, and I have my own place.Probably RED flag too

Again, so? They have different circumstances, that's life!

The lending money thing isn't good, or the wanting to move in so soon.

I think its a good thing that he doesn't spend loads of time with the kids in case it doesn't work out. Apparently that's a bad thing but everyone has said him wanting to meet the kids was a bad thing too. Again the bloke can't win.

Personally i think the op should take things much much slower and think about what SHE actually wants, not what this bloke wants and be cautious.

The expression cocklodger is great!! I know if I suggested this to him he'd go nuts. He has met my kids, and his have been over for a barbecue. He wants us all to go on holiday(paid by me?) that's 5 kids, mine are all wee, so I would rather just take my own. When we first got together he made a big thing about the kids, and now he just stays away when they're at home citing work and my tiredness as a reason. Then he stays on camp, texts me from the pub, whilst I'm alone with my 3 youngsters thinking, if you loved me you'd rather be here keeping me company! Mothers day was upsetting. He stayed over and the next morning my 3 kids wandered in at the crack of dawn with pressies for me, and my eldest(5 years) wanted to make me breakfast. He didn't even help with that. Was I wrong to be upset? A man who truly loved me would get his arse out of bed to help, wouldn't he?
I'm building a new house and whenever I meet up with tradesmen etc he comes along. But he always has a reason not to come over if I just say, pop round for tea etc. is this controlling behaviour?

'The first thing that struck me as odd as he used to say things like our house, coming home to see you etc, which I found weird'

Your instincts are sound, honey, but the problem is you didn't listen to them because you were coming from a place of emotional need which made you susceptible to flattery.

See it for what it is, which is exactly how your closest friend sees it. He's using you and I suspect that you're not the only mug woman he's screwing charming money out of.

How much does he owe you? If it's a few hundred, chalk it up to experience and write it off. If it's a few grand, tell him you'll write to his superior officers if you're not repaid by a given date - the date should be well before he leaves the military.

Needless to say, you're best advised to end your association with him now before you get seriously burned hurt.

Did he actually ask you to pay for the holiday? Any chance he might be fully intending to pay his share? Its weird he didn't help make breakfast!

How often does he come over?

The our house could have just been i slip of the tongue or it could really have been indicative of his intentions to take what's yours.

It's selfish behaviour. You're there when it suits him and he can't be bothered with you the rest of the time. What you'd like is not on his radar. Your children are just getting in the way. He's chatting to the tradesman because he's taking an interest in 'our house'... clearly thinks that's worth his while and he's probably mentally working out where he's going to put all his stuff. Now that you've woken up and smelled the coffee, do tell him to get lost

He wants us all to go on holiday(paid by me?) I bet he does and, in answer to your question, yes, you'll be paying for the pleasure of his company just as you're doing now.

He's a selfish arse; the control will come later.

FFS PooPoo... why not give the OP a big neon sign saying 'arseholes step right this way!'? This man is using her horrendously and you're making excuses!

Cog. No excuses. Where did you see that? I said i don't think he should move in, should take her time and do what SHE really wants to do not what he wants her to do and shouldn't lend him money etc.

Just pointing out that a lot of the things that have said to be red flags are, well, nothing. Dump him because he's in the army, was keen to meet the children and did the asking out when they first met. Its seeing red flags where their are none and is rather paranoid.

Not to say that there are no red flags here, there clearly are with him referring to her house as our house, lending money etc. But that doesn't mean every bloke out of the army who doesn't own his own house, asks a woman out and wants to meet her children is a cocklodger.

Poopoo he comes over most weekends. And if the kids are staying at their dads, he stays with me when they're away. That's what annoys me, he's happy to see me when I don't have kids. Regards the money, it's a lot. He has bought expensive presents for his kids with my credit card, but says he will pay me back next month. I lent him money to buy a car.... I feel so ashamed. What the f**k was I thinking??

Woah! First thing is to get the money back. Tell him you need it urgently to finish the house otherwise there won't be one to move into. Get the money back (hopefully) and then dump him!

Right, you have to stop right now.

Tell him you need the money back immediately - agree with PooPoo that you should say you need it urgently to finish the house.

How much money is involved?

He's got a bloody nerve saying "our house" - of COURSE he wants to live with you in a mortgage free house. He's using you - I know it's a horrible thing to say but it's true.

I think you need to find a way to get the money back.

Any chance he gets more sex when the kids aren't there?

Imperial, no sex just the same really, but my kids are wee so there can be some night time interruptions. He says I'm the love of his life, the woman he always wanted to meet, and I struggle to believe someone could say such things and be a user. I do feel the relationship is all on his terms. He comes to see me when it suits him, and if I ask him over mostly there's excuses. I challenged him about it and he went nuts saying I was accusing him of being a liar. Usually we have no crossed words, I'm easy going and hate confrontation. Last week I texted him to ask if things were ok and we had this row, him accusing me of being paranoid, mistrustful and insecure. It was hugely out of proportion to my question. I thought it was over, he didnt contact me all day, then effectively has been acting like the argument hasn't happened. I do see good in him but I must be having doubts for a reason. Money wise is a huge concern, he asked to borrow my credit card for emergencies, then last month the bill was over £500, and this month the same, on presents for his kids, it's not even their birthdays. I'm not mean, far from it, but we're not even committed to each other. I'm still recovering from ending my marriage, making a life for me and my kids, have a great prestigious job. I'm so disappointed.

Well, maybe he always wanted to meet a woman with a lot more money than he had who would lend him as much as he wanted.

I don't want to make this your fault, but why lend your credit card for presents that are not for a birthday? If he'd borrowed £500 the month before, why did you then lend more when it was for non-emergencies?

I'd phone the card company and say you've lost your card. You'll get a different card with a different number, just in case he can remember the number.

He is trying to buy his kids love with YOUR money he is using you. Your money should be going on your own dc they are only wee yet and you have years to come that they have to be supported financially
Buying lavish gifts is not an emergency I know all this is easier to see in hindsight it took me about 3 years to realise my ex had been ea. Though my counsellor told me your mind can do funny things at times and maybe I couldn't of mentally coped with realising this... I bet if/when you ask for your money to be returned he will turn the problem into being yours. Look after yourself and your dc you wouldn't want to see someone using your dc like this...

Peep toes, I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but I think you need to cancell your credit card ASAP and get rid of this man. See him as a transition from your married state and just move on.

I did a lot of internet datingafter my H left and it took a while and a few frogs, but eventually I met a really nice man, who I am still with a year later. Staying with this man will be no good for you in the long term and you have to dump him to meet someone better.

You are worth so much more than this

Hes almost certainly using you/ in it for more than your companionship.

But thank goodness he doesnt want to see you when the kids are about, for their sake ( not that i think he has their best intersts in mind).

Why are you so keen that he be around the kids? Especially when you have somany doubts about the relationship?

That post about mothers day made me feel really sad for the kids, they come to wake you at the crack of dawn with presents and youre in bed with some bloke they barely know?

Seriously, even if he's not intentionally setting out to sponge off you, he has a massive sense of entitlement and the result is exactly the same. I've always had less disposable income than my partners and so they would tend to get the bill if we mutually decided to go somewhere expensive, then I'd get drinks in at the pub or something in return - technically unequal but we were both happy. But I'd NEVER use their card to run up hundreds of pounds on stuff for me or my family, not even stuff I did with my partner! That's crossing a line.

As for the "our house", "home" and the wanting to move in after 6 months, again, massive sense of entitlement, lousy sense of boundaries. He probably sees himself as as perfectly nice guy and doesn't see that he's encroaching. But he is, and he's probably not going to get it if you try talking to him about it.

You're still trying to recover from the end of your marriage and make a new life for your little family. It's way too soon to be moving in with anyone, even if you didn't have these doubts. Since you do, it's time to cool the jets on this relationship. Whether you scale it back to a casual thing or end it altogether is up to you - personally, given these doubts, I'd call it a day. But either way, do not let this man move in!

Yes you're right. I have to look after my own kids. He's left me out of pocket, I hate feeing that I'm being mean. He says he will repay me the money once he gets his redundancy, golden goodbye. He's living the highlife with my money and house, but not really giving me much back. Maybe I'm the shallow one? We are going to a do next week, with his work and he paid the hotel room with my card. I dunno. Hate arguing over money.

peep, you ARE the love of his life - someone he can live with rent free, who will give him her credit card and not demand too much of his free time...who buys him a car. He is seeing $$$$$ and a nice cushtie life ahead, instead of an uncertain post military life living in a bedsit and scraping a living.

Peep, I would agree that a) call the credit card company and report it lost.
b) ask him for the money urgently to do XYZ with the house.

look at his response to these two events.

My betting is he will come up with some flimsy excuse about not having any money this month, and can he please just use the credit card for some urgent thing he needs to buy and.....

Get the money and dump the freeloader.

Please dont underestimate what a fantastic achievement you have made in setting out successfully a a single parent and ensuring your little family is financially secure.
I know we are supposed to play down the importance of money but financial security in a family is hugely beneficial.
Do not let this man, or anyone else, jeapordise that.

I suppose I have been trying to recreate a family life, trying to normalise my relationship. Of course I worry about the impact on the kids. I didn't know what format a relationship would take. Maybe I shouldn't see him when the kids are at home, for their sakes.i was just struggling with compartmentalising my life. I dunno.

"I think the way forward is for me to stop lending him money, etc,"
You aren't lending him money. If he comes back for more when he hasn't paid back the last lot, you are giving him money

"and just keep things at arms length."
You can't. Either you are with him or you aren't. Dump.

Im amazed youre still wanting to continue the relationship.