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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help again please wise women. Make or break meeting

115 replies

MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:04

I started a thread a while ago called "A heart felt thanks".

I kicked semi-living with me DP for 3 years out a couple of weeks ago (I think as minds in a bit of a muddle).

We are due to meet at 9 in the local to thrash things out once and for all.

I need help to clarify my proposals.

Brief outline - (obviously my take on things)

He has two jobs and a nearly ex with 3 children. I have one teenager.
He works very hard and I know that but what I get is a grumpy arse most of the time, and what I would call selfish behaviour (will clarify if asked). Anything he has to do in our (his new relationship) is usually begrudgingly, hence our fall out as I have had enough. I know he works hard blah blah blah due to his former circumstances.

Anyway.

My proposals are:

No keys to my home.
Go back to the beginning and date again.
Have a total break for a couple of months and reconvene (looks like an odd spelling here).

I'm also not very good at telling all that has gone on as don't want my dilema to sound like a boring script, therefore I will sort of have to half drip feed as I go along (I find this term rather harsh when used and I prefer to call it divulging further information when prompting)

I guess what I'm trying to ask is are my proposals reasonable.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/05/2012 20:17

From your last post I thought it was over.

Why are you meeting him - and why haven't you changed your locks as previously advised?

I have no doubt that you can do a lot better than a selfish, grumpy, arse of a man and I suggest you tear up your proposals and cancel the meeting - if you're desperate for a Wine you can toast your newfound freedom in the comfort of your own home without fear of interruption.

Come on, honey. You've had enough of him and it's time to call time on this 'relationship'.

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:19

OOps time is running out and he's just called, due to my "mind numbing" dilema I haven't even dried my hair (want to go to meeting feeling empowered, as in perfectly blow dried hair and make up to help boost my confidence)

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/05/2012 20:20

FGS, just dump the twunt!

izzyizin · 10/05/2012 20:22

What is there to talk about? If he's the one that's suggested convening a meeting, send your apologies and say you'll get round to dealing with 'any other business' when it suits you.

LittleHouseofCamelias · 10/05/2012 20:23

Don't settle for a grumpy arse who is trying to wheedle his way back.

Tell him he brings nothing to enhance your life and he will have to work very hard to persuade you to give him another chance. And mean it!

WHy did he split up with his STBXW? Have you talked to her at all? Did she get fed up of his grumpy ways?

PineappleBed · 10/05/2012 20:23

Dump dump dump dump dump

Why are you going?

Proposals in bin and meeting cancelled - please!

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:24

No he's not a parking attendant, he's a fireman.

I feel I'm not that young anymore and I love his kids too (which will be a terrible wrench)

It's also the first time I have actually said my piece and kicked him into touch so to speak. Maybe excuses i suppose but armed with all the information I get from this wonderful site and more perspective Im nearly ready Confused or not Grin

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/05/2012 20:26

Here is your old thread, OP. I know normally this is a bit frowned upon but you mentioned your previous one so I went to have a read.

Can't see why you think there is anything to discuss with him - you should definitely go back to the beginning and date again, but with someone you don't already know to be an arse.

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:26

He was with his ex for 17 years and doesn;t really talk about things only to say that she hit him (probably due to exaserbation). All is very amicable as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:27

Im not frowning at all tibpot. I'm glad you read it.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/05/2012 20:30

Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen. Men who promise to change rarely do so unless they're given a big enough incentive

Don't meet him - send him a text saying it's over and there's nothing to talk about and then wait to see if he starts turning himself inside out to win you back.

Ending it one week and taking him back the next is giving him the message that nothing's changed and you're still willing to put up with his shit.

Stop making it easy for him and start making it easy for yourself.

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:35

Izzy I'm sort of in love with you now. You are 100 percent right of course. I need (want) - probably am conditioned to having one last look at him and to state my case, then I shall leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 20:44

Nearing 50 now and have a massive dilema going on. I was taught that the man was the bread winner and the woman stayed at home and shut up/put up. Whilst I have changed my views to a massive extent, it's still with me.

Rambling now and trying to stop the "conditioned voice"

I have to go now and will come back with update.

Once again.. thank you all for your words of wisdom.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/05/2012 21:10

Well bollocks to that, Faversham. The sisters are doin' it for themselves, you know. Two fabulous women older than you (Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin) said so.

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 23:06

Update. Back home with keys in hand Grin

Started off with a clean shaven handsome man pulling my chair out wanting to talk, admitting that it was 75 percent him. ended with him walking out of pub telling me I had too much to drink (which is possible) and me telling him that I can do what I like

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/05/2012 23:09

Frankly you'd have to have been caning it to have drunk too much in the time you were out. And anyway, bollocks to him. "75% him" was a shit opening line!

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 23:10

Ive since come home and bought a bottle of labrini Grin as feel the need to slurp but not get hanging. Deleted everything before i can text/phone. So all is cool here [crumbles but knows im ok]

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 10/05/2012 23:10

MissFaversham, you know what, you can do better than that. I know several women over 50 who have gone on to meet really nice people who are companions and don't play all these games/be grumpy. Grumpiness is awful in a partner you have had for 30 years, if you can start afresh, why they heck would you pick a grumpy one?!

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 23:15

Well I did have a couple before so maybe trib, had a horrid sinking feeling in my belly all day today probably knowing that this is what would happen. Deadening my feelings sort of shit so I wouldnt take him back. He walked out of the pub in disgust. I sat there in relief.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/05/2012 23:18

Well raise a toast to good riddance, Fav! And then probably move on to water Grin

Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 23:18

Mumsy, thank you and you are so right {bit teary now and wipes snot on arm} coming on 50 is a weird age i guess. Onwards and upwards huh. Im just sad for his kids, we had a holiday planned in july and im the uppy one that deflects from his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissFaversham · 10/05/2012 23:21

Bugger off tri (laughs) im going to drink my lambrini so there. obviously in a few toasts.

Joking aside, without our fab women on here we really wouldnt be able to move on with such clarity and gusto [laugh]

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/05/2012 23:26

He walked out of the pub in disgust because you'd had too much too drink in little more than an hour and a half? What were you drinking - treble vodkas?

Well done, MissF

Here's to being well rid Wine

fridakahlo · 10/05/2012 23:26

I do love a happy ending and from the sound of it, in regards to this man, it was the best best ending you could hope for.
I know it probably does not feel like that, though.

tribpot · 10/05/2012 23:26

Well, better a Lambrini hangover than waking up with the knowledge you'd got back to together with that git, so fill yer boots.

But I would still drink some water if I were you Grin