i can imagine it was. But very useful i should think. Ive worked a bit in mental health, mental health advocacy so have had the tools and have kind of worked through it all now.
My childhood was fine, Big life shattering event aged 18. Mother had a break down caused by the death of both her parents in the same year, re evelauated her life, didnt want to be married to my father, he took it awfully. families took sides, everyone behaved appallingly. It was violent, abusive and noone thought of the children, including the other adult members of the extended family who who got involed, forcing us children to pick sides and cut contact with those that oppossed. I moved in with my father with my sister, my other sibblings stayed with my mother. The day we moved my father left me and my sister in the new house and went to stay with his new gf. We were left to fend for ourselves for the next 18 months. Perhaps unsurprisingly i went a bit rebellious ( couped with being a teenager) and decided it was good to date, and then get engaged to the local bad boy drug dealer. Who was never actually nice to me, but who gave me some status so i felt important. We broke up 18 months later.
We then all moved in with dads new gf, and her children. She made no secret she didnt want us there, and we werent allowed to eat with the rest of the family, use the cooker, or washing machine, sit in the living room or anything. i stayed in my room and lived off cold baked beans. I met my now ex husband, the most popular boy in the town ( and the one with the biggest reputation) and again, because of the status of that, decided it was a good move. I didnt even think he was attractive, he wasnt my type at all. BUT, he was in the army. I was 20, skint, living off baked beans, unable to afford to move out. no life. We got married and i got a house and a new life to start afresh somewhere new. I accepted crap behaviour because, lets face it, i had noone else. my father gave not a shit, i wasnt talking to my mother. and the wider family then didnt care.
It took 10 years to leave ( including a 2 year break in the that time) At which point i was numb and felt no connection to anyone, bar my dog. i wasnt even sure i had feelings myself.I felt like a robot.
Now, 3.5 years later, i have rebuilt myself. I do have feelings and close connections to people, and i know what is and isnt acceptable and am in a personally much better place to judge who and who isnt right for me. I can also understand why i made past decisions... but my life is so different now, im in a much better place, so i hope that at some point, when i do meet someone it will be totally different. I supose its also why i am now unforgiving of twatish behaviour too, im not going to let things slide or make excuses for someone anymore.
god - epic post!