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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New FWB relationship - is this normal? Please help!

123 replies

LittleIllusionMachine · 08/05/2012 13:33

Around 2 months ago I met someone at the gym and sparked up a FWB-type relationship. We are both quite newly single and happy with the set up. We have been talking on the phone/IM quite a lot and managed to meet up twice so far.

There are just a couple of things which are ringing potential alarm bells in my head. It's quite possibly nothing to be worried about, just something I'm not used to, but I'm slightly concerned and looking for advice.

A bit about him...he is a bodybuilder and takes it all quite seriously; he goes to the gym every day and uses those protein drinks to build him up. He told me last night that he was doing weights that were twice my body weight yesterday! I've asked him if he takes steroids and he said no (I'm not so sure tbh). I know he occasionally takes weed/cocaine although that is very common where we live with people of our age group. He is really into cage fighting (watching, not participating AFAIK). We get on well and he seems like a nice guy.

We have kept some distance in that I don't know much about him and vice versa; neither of us wants to get emotionally attached. One of the only things I know other than the superficial is that his Mum was a victim of DV and he beat the bloke up.

The thing concerning me is more related to the sexual side of our relationship. Sorry if the following is TMI!

The first time we slept together was OK, he was very giving and I didn't really have a chance to return the favour. I spoke to him about it afterwards and he said that he was happy and liked to be in control.

Last night was good, although again he was very very dominating (more so this time). Again, I didn't have the chance to reciprocate. He has told me that this doesn't bother him at all, that he likes it and wants to be the one doing all the work. That's fine I suppose, it just feels strange to be so inactive and just taking it IYSWIM? I know I shouldn't really be complaining about being with someone who likes to give so much, it's just something that is very new to me. Also, last night at various points he had his hands around my neck, and when we were actually having sex he was very rough and seemed to be doing it as hard as possible. I noticed that when he was doing this he was really really staring at my face (barely blinking!) and looked really quite angry. I smiled at him and he did smile back...maybe just sex face?

I don't know. I do enjoy it, and I don't know if I'm just nervous as it's not something I've come across before. I'm just quite aware that I don't REALLY know him, and that he is already comfortable after meeting twice in completely dominating me and putting his hands around my neck. He is clearly much bigger and stronger than me, and although right now I don't feel like he would do anything bad, I'm worried it could escalate. And if it did there wouldn't be much I could do about it. With his current lifestyle and potential steroid taking I know he has a lot of testosterone floating around him right now and the potential for violence. Should I be concerned or just be happy to enjoy it as it is for now?

Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
TequilaMockinBird · 08/05/2012 13:37

My advice would be, run for the hills.

Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear, but from what you've described, I'd be running!

BunnyLebowski · 08/05/2012 13:37

Shock Shock OP - Run. Run in the opposite direction as fast as you bloody can and don't look back.

He sounds completely unhinged.

And no it's not normal.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 13:38

Trust your instincts. If there are things about this Mr Universe that unnerve you - and I've had plenty of vigorous sex in my time and no bastard has ever dared put his hands around my neck - then drop him. Aggressive/dangerous men don't have signs around their necks, unfortunately.

PeppermintPasty · 08/05/2012 13:40

Yes, listen to your instincts. When I read your OP I did a cat's bum face and said to myself "that sounds bloody 'orrible", if that helps!

LowRegNumber · 08/05/2012 13:42

If there is any doubt in your mind that this could become a situation where you have no control then get out now. Fwb is not worth the risk, you have to be confident that anyone you invite to your bed will behave with your wants and needs at heart -at all times. However if you are happy that he would not want to go too far could you discuss a safe word with him? I know 'no' or 'stop' should be plenty but sometimes having a safe word will focus someone to the fact you are really meaning it rather than joining in a rough and tumble session if that makes sense?

Geordieminx · 08/05/2012 13:42

He had his hands around your neck??? The second time you slept together????

Run. Run. Run and don't look back.

He sounds bat shit crazy.

LowRegNumber · 08/05/2012 13:43

Fwiw my instinct here is the same as the other posters, although I am trying to see two sides, I would leg it from this one myself.

JustFab · 08/05/2012 13:46

My advice would be to block his number and get the fuck away from him.

kittycatwoman · 08/05/2012 13:47

As others have said, run for the hills. Body building men on steroids and cocaine can be dangerous.

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2012 13:49

Hands around your neck? Never in my life have I experienced this. Plus the other stuff, no wonder your internal alarm is going off.

By the way, this does not sound like FWB as he's not a friend, nor does he sound like someone nice to hang out with.

Really, just let him know you don't want to meet up again, however 'giving' he is.

Monty27 · 08/05/2012 13:51

I would be afraid. Very afraid.

Run.

funkingcuckingwastardsfankers · 08/05/2012 13:51

another one saying run. like fuck. as fast as you can. do not look back. do not pass go. do not collect £200. just run.

block and delete

izzyizin · 08/05/2012 13:52

He isn't a 'friend' and there are no 'benefits' in this relationship for you.

If he suggests another meet up tell him you've got back together with an ex or have a new boyfriend and that, much as you enjoyed your brief liaison with him, you're no longer available.

Keep it light, keep it pleasant, and try to avoid going to the gym when you know he's likely to be around.

fiventhree · 08/05/2012 13:54

Instincts! Learn to listen to them. He is not right.

glastocat · 08/05/2012 13:54

God I missed the bit about the cocaine and was still thinking you should run like the wind! He sounds scarey!

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 08/05/2012 13:55

Listen to what you are trying to tell yourself. Women dismiss that voice far too often, normally out of politeness.

ShellyBobbs · 08/05/2012 13:59

Weirdo alert!

Run, run, run!

LittleIllusionMachine · 08/05/2012 14:03

Thanks everyone.

Tbh I am quite surprised at the unanimous reply! I thought I would be told that it was fairly standard, maybe a little bit kinky but OK!

I have spoken to a friend about this in RL who has met him, and she said that it sounds great! She said it sounds like her ideal, that he is a bit kinky but nothing to worry about. She was going on about setting boundaries with him, saying what I do/do not like. I'm not so sure now!

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 08/05/2012 14:11

She said it sounds like her ideal

Your friend is an idiot.

littlelife · 08/05/2012 14:12

How disturbing run RUN RUN
This flag is RED

Charbon · 08/05/2012 14:14

Run. He's into strangulation porn just like Vincent Tabak the murderer of Jo Yeates.

LowRegNumber · 08/05/2012 14:15

You have said you barely know him and know nothing if his background. This means you are totally in the dark about any red flags or supporting info. What you know is he is a dominant sexual partner who is massively stronger than you, takes steroids and cocaine and is happy to do things that most would consider 'outside normal' without discussion/permission. Or at least that is how I am reading it. Your friend may be right - she also may not be. The fact you posted indicates you have some concern.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 14:19

Who's your friend? Rose West?

kittycatwoman · 08/05/2012 14:20

Your friend seens to suffer from mental health problems.

izzyizin · 08/05/2012 14:25

With a man like this it literally comes down to your life in his hands.

You've seen his face when he's in the zone. Next time he might not smile - and you might never smile again.

It simply isn't worth the risk. Stay safe and buy yourself a rabbit until you find a fwb you can trust with your life.