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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New FWB relationship - is this normal? Please help!

123 replies

LittleIllusionMachine · 08/05/2012 13:33

Around 2 months ago I met someone at the gym and sparked up a FWB-type relationship. We are both quite newly single and happy with the set up. We have been talking on the phone/IM quite a lot and managed to meet up twice so far.

There are just a couple of things which are ringing potential alarm bells in my head. It's quite possibly nothing to be worried about, just something I'm not used to, but I'm slightly concerned and looking for advice.

A bit about him...he is a bodybuilder and takes it all quite seriously; he goes to the gym every day and uses those protein drinks to build him up. He told me last night that he was doing weights that were twice my body weight yesterday! I've asked him if he takes steroids and he said no (I'm not so sure tbh). I know he occasionally takes weed/cocaine although that is very common where we live with people of our age group. He is really into cage fighting (watching, not participating AFAIK). We get on well and he seems like a nice guy.

We have kept some distance in that I don't know much about him and vice versa; neither of us wants to get emotionally attached. One of the only things I know other than the superficial is that his Mum was a victim of DV and he beat the bloke up.

The thing concerning me is more related to the sexual side of our relationship. Sorry if the following is TMI!

The first time we slept together was OK, he was very giving and I didn't really have a chance to return the favour. I spoke to him about it afterwards and he said that he was happy and liked to be in control.

Last night was good, although again he was very very dominating (more so this time). Again, I didn't have the chance to reciprocate. He has told me that this doesn't bother him at all, that he likes it and wants to be the one doing all the work. That's fine I suppose, it just feels strange to be so inactive and just taking it IYSWIM? I know I shouldn't really be complaining about being with someone who likes to give so much, it's just something that is very new to me. Also, last night at various points he had his hands around my neck, and when we were actually having sex he was very rough and seemed to be doing it as hard as possible. I noticed that when he was doing this he was really really staring at my face (barely blinking!) and looked really quite angry. I smiled at him and he did smile back...maybe just sex face?

I don't know. I do enjoy it, and I don't know if I'm just nervous as it's not something I've come across before. I'm just quite aware that I don't REALLY know him, and that he is already comfortable after meeting twice in completely dominating me and putting his hands around my neck. He is clearly much bigger and stronger than me, and although right now I don't feel like he would do anything bad, I'm worried it could escalate. And if it did there wouldn't be much I could do about it. With his current lifestyle and potential steroid taking I know he has a lot of testosterone floating around him right now and the potential for violence. Should I be concerned or just be happy to enjoy it as it is for now?

Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 09/05/2012 23:43

You poor thing.
He sounds scary and dangerous I can see that you are at a low point in your life from what you write. Obviously some other fucker has seen that to - report him!

And stop seeing scary guy.

mirry2 · 09/05/2012 23:49

And someone like this also on mumsnet, reading our posts Shock

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 23:51

mirry, there are plenty of them, believe me

some of them even crawl out of the woodwork, and post

mostly on the rape, sex industry and porn threads, surprisingly enough

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 23:52

LIM do you know how report a pm ?

mirry2 · 09/05/2012 23:52

God I'm naive!

Eurostar · 09/05/2012 23:53

From your first description I thought, man who watches lots of porn and thinks that rough etc is the way it should be done, and now you have confirmed this. I felt really sad for you when you sad you had to smile at him to get a non scary facial expression during sex, sounds like a survival instinct in a way though too, reminding him you are a human and not a 2D porn character.

Hopefully he will take no for an answer when you tell him that you don't want rough sex and you don't want a FWB so thank you and goodnight. He might be really low in self-esteem and could lash out if his sense of inadequacy is awakened so be careful about how you do it. If he doesn't take no for an answer, then time to change gym etc..

There's also that old classic self-help book, "women who love to much", which goes into why you might always feel chemistry with the bad 'uns.

LeBOF · 09/05/2012 23:54

I've PMed you, LIM, and just want to echo posters here saying to keep yourself safe.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 23:55

mirry with respect, yes you are naive if you posted with the thought that OP should or could even stay in a relationship with a man like this

IvanaNap · 09/05/2012 23:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

mirry2 · 10/05/2012 00:00

No anyfucker I didn't think she should and I certainly wouldn't but it seemed she was going to anyway, which is why i posted that (and I hadn't read the rest of the posts)

Eurostar · 10/05/2012 00:03

and, once again, let me link to this old classic
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

with great advice about how to detach at the end..

I wonder if Dr Carver is still around and if he could update for the internet porn age to include what seems to be becoming typical loser sexual behaviour

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 00:09

fair enough, mirry

never a good idea to not read all the thread before posting though (especially a sensitive one like this) Smile

TheSecondComing · 10/05/2012 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imogengladheart · 10/05/2012 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dondon33 · 10/05/2012 13:01

OP it wouldn't be so bad if you were in a LTR with him and it was a fantasy of his or something similar.
But its the 2nd time you have slept with him :@ I don't find it "normal" at all. I'm with the others, drop him.
Maybe he doesn't have much experience with women and he has porn to thank for his unrealistic and unacceptable behaviour doubt it though

janelikesjam · 10/05/2012 15:34

Yes Eurostar

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

is a good link. good, clear advice.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2012 13:34

Since OP never came back, let's hope it was a wind up and not that this Op decided the bloke was ok after all...

BIWItheBold · 12/05/2012 13:38

Agree - that would be very worrying Sad

LittleIllusionMachine · 15/05/2012 14:07

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't been on MN for a few days, I've had a lot of RL shit to deal with. Sad

Just wanted to thank you all for the advice, and to tell you that I haven't contacted him since I started this thread. I've seen him in the gym and said a brief hello, I'm hoping that it will just fizzle out. He hasn't made much of an effort to contact me either so I think this will happen. I've got too much on my plate already to worry about, I'm avoiding at all costs.

Thanks for making me come to my senses, I really appreciate it. Thanks

OP posts:
sugarice · 15/05/2012 14:15

Hope you're okay Smile

TheHappyHissy · 15/05/2012 14:57

Me too, hope you are OK, if we can help, let us know?

BIWItheBold · 15/05/2012 14:58

Hope all is OK

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 16:48

Oh, thank goodness

Hope you are ok (with the other RL shit)

I just wonder what you would say if Mr Testosterone fancied a bit of strangling on the menu again

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