New FWB relationship - is this normal? Please help!

[LittleIllusionMachine]

Around 2 months ago I met someone at the gym and sparked up a FWB-type relationship. We are both quite newly single and happy with the set up. We have been talking on the phone/IM quite a lot and managed to meet up twice so far.

There are just a couple of things which are ringing potential alarm bells in my head. It's quite possibly nothing to be worried about, just something I'm not used to, but I'm slightly concerned and looking for advice.

A bit about him...he is a bodybuilder and takes it all quite seriously; he goes to the gym every day and uses those protein drinks to build him up. He told me last night that he was doing weights that were twice my body weight yesterday! I've asked him if he takes steroids and he said no (I'm not so sure tbh). I know he occasionally takes weed/cocaine although that is very common where we live with people of our age group. He is really into cage fighting (watching, not participating AFAIK). We get on well and he seems like a nice guy.

We have kept some distance in that I don't know much about him and vice versa; neither of us wants to get emotionally attached. One of the only things I know other than the superficial is that his Mum was a victim of DV and he beat the bloke up.

The thing concerning me is more related to the sexual side of our relationship. Sorry if the following is TMI!

The first time we slept together was OK, he was very giving and I didn't really have a chance to return the favour. I spoke to him about it afterwards and he said that he was happy and liked to be in control.

Last night was good, although again he was very very dominating (more so this time). Again, I didn't have the chance to reciprocate. He has told me that this doesn't bother him at all, that he likes it and wants to be the one doing all the work. That's fine I suppose, it just feels strange to be so inactive and just taking it IYSWIM? I know I shouldn't really be complaining about being with someone who likes to give so much, it's just something that is very new to me. Also, last night at various points he had his hands around my neck, and when we were actually having sex he was very rough and seemed to be doing it as hard as possible. I noticed that when he was doing this he was really really staring at my face (barely blinking!) and looked really quite angry. I smiled at him and he did smile back...maybe just sex face?

I don't know. I do enjoy it, and I don't know if I'm just nervous as it's not something I've come across before. I'm just quite aware that I don't REALLY know him, and that he is already comfortable after meeting twice in completely dominating me and putting his hands around my neck. He is clearly much bigger and stronger than me, and although right now I don't feel like he would do anything bad, I'm worried it could escalate. And if it did there wouldn't be much I could do about it. With his current lifestyle and potential steroid taking I know he has a lot of testosterone floating around him right now and the potential for violence. Should I be concerned or just be happy to enjoy it as it is for now?

Can anyone advise?

I wonder if he'd act differently in the bedroom if you were dating properly, or in the start of a relationship...

I also think there's a difference between the kinky strangulation type sex, and the type you describe where he laid his hands there without pushing or squeezing your neck.

But it's all by the by anyway, because there should have been a discussion.

Have you contacted him since posting here?

I know what he did the other day wasn't massively extreme (no pressure etc); I'm just thinking that if he is doing that already without asking, then the strangulation thing might not be far off. And I'm not comfortable with that. I don't know whether to talk to him about it, tell him what I am/am not happy with...

No, I haven't contacted him other than a quick text the morning after. Nothing since posting here. I am almost certainly going to see him tomorrow night at the gym though. I think he will suggest meeting up this weekend.

I don't think this has got anything to do with BDSM or the nature of the relationship.

I think he's just a common-or-garden porn addict who likes to be in control during sex and enjoys practices that make women feel vulnerable or degraded.

Did he do anything else that falls into that category? Did he ejaculate on you at any point, especially your face? Did he slap you or handle you roughly?

The really dangerous thing about someone gripping your neck is that as the pressure increases it leaves you voiceless and unable to articulate that it must stop and that you're having trouble breathing. To do so without consent is shocking and there's no way you shoud give him the opportunity to do it again.

I know he does watch that stuff, he was quite open about it. But no, he didn't do anything like that Charbon.

He does keep going on about not wearing a condom though. I've refused to do anything without one so far, but I think he is expecting me to crack on that tbh.

He did this on the SECOND time you shagged him LIM. THAT is the significant bit.

No talking about it, no asking no feeling things out, he went straight into it on F#2.

The NO condom wearing thing is beyond OFF. So how many people has he slept with without a condom.

DITCH.

I think 'that stuff' includes strangulation and rape porn.

Why are you wrestling with this OP? What's going on with you that you think this sexual behaviour is even acceptable? If you're going through a rough patch anyway, this is going to fuck you up even more because your boundaries about acceptable behaviour appear to be shot to pieces.

You've got sex brain. The excitement of a new connection and sex has triggered loads of hormones which are really hard to supress.

Everyone here has told you to listen to the voice in your head which is telling you that this could be dangerous. You don't want to listen (understandingly).

He is asking you to have sex without a condom.

This man has no care for your safetly (or his).

This man could do whatever he wants to you without consent and has already stepped over several lines in that regard.

At what point will you listen to your voice in your head and fight the hormones.

Respect yourself. You deserve a FWB who wants to have fun with you and not take fun from you.

Please run. It seems a slippery slope..

you are being utterly stupid

this needs saying

second time you have it off, he puts his hand round your neck and shags you roughly without asking

he is already disclosing a liking for rough porn...blurring the boundaries

he is pressurising you to forego a barrier method of contraception/disease prevention

you are still "not sure" whether to talk to him about this despite the responses on this thread

you are being groomed, my dear

has he turned you over for anal yet, without asking (if he hasn't, he willl, very soon)

fgs, wake up, will you ?

I believe the time honoured MN term COCKSTRUCK is what is applicable here..

No judgement, no snarking, We've all I've certainly been there. No good ever comes of it.

If he is like this now, what is he going to do for kicks in 6m time? how long will it take for him to forget to put on a condom and just go for it anyway....

I'm sorry. I know this must be frustrating, and I know I'm coming across as a complete idiot. :(

I'm not stupid, I'm really not. But I know my boundaries regarding acceptable sexual behaviour are fucked up. I have had experiences of rape and sexual assault, and although I have been in a loving relationship (which broke down a few months ago), the vast majority of men I've met in my life have been fucking awful.

I know it might be hard to believe, but I was genuinely shocked at the reaction yesterday. I thought I would be told to stop being such a prude and enjoy it. Although it's never been on this high a level before, this kind of sexual experience is what I've been used to - being used by men is pretty standard.

It's like I don't expect anything more. I've put myself in this "FWB" situation even though it's probably the last thing I need - it's like I'm trying to have some kind of control over the fact that men will treat me like this and not care. At least if I pretend that I don't care either, it might make it easier to deal with.

I don't know. Sorry for the psycobabble.

Given your history, makes perfect sense.

Knock it on the head and see if you can get some counselling to help you take stock, regroup and heal before you head on back out there again.

You will be OK, you know what the issue is, now you need to set about sorting it out.

Well done for recognising this in yourself.

you don't have to apologise for having poor boundaries

having been told in no uncertain terms what you are dealing with on this thread though...are you going to listen to us ?

Thanks. Trouble is, I've already had councelling. On the NHS you only get a certain amount of sessions. I seriously can't afford to pay for any more, even though talking about this makes it clear I need them!

I just don't know how to break the pattern! If it's not this guy, it will be someone else exactly the same. FFS.

I am listening to you. I haven't contacted him. I am really listening and thinking about it all. I'm thinking about what I could say when I see him at the gym tomorrow. I know I need to break it off.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT NO CONDOMS? after TWO shags??? which are rougher each time?????

And you are "not sure" whether you should "talk" to him about all this?

OP get the FUCK out of this situation RIGHT NOW, do not go to the gym tomorrow night. you are going to rue the day you slept-walked into this situation.

it is crystal clear that you're being used by violent-porn enthusiast to enact the horrible, criminal shit he watches on a daily basis.

FFS stop bleating about how you're not stupid and DO NOT LET THIS CARRY ON. this is how women end up with STDs, PTSD, internal injuries. or in their fucking grave. this is not a joke.

being used by men is pretty standard
i really do understand where you are coming from. really. i have been there. but please, i beg you with tears in my eyes, just GET AWAY from this person. immediately. and then take some time to think about the psychological stuff.

don't, for God's sake, try to use this liaison to work this stuff out. this is not a safe place to do that. you are not safe.

i understand that your boundaries are very fragile and you're not sure what you can reasonably expect from sexual relationships. that is really perfectly understandable. so let this thread be the barometer for you.

i am no prude.
i don't think any of the ladies on this thread are really. prudes don't typically hang out in Relationships.
but this conversation is not about prudery, it's about personal safety. PLEASE don't put yourself in danger like this.

your life and body are precious things, you're worth more than this.

this is what you say

"I have decided to end our relationship. No, I have no wish to discuss it and I will not change my mind. Good luck for the future"

That's the sanitised version you may feel most happy with...it's less likely to provoke a hostile reaction.

The optional addendum is to say the reason you are ending it is because you think he is a dangerous man who has no respect for women's sexual boundaries. I wouldn't recommend that though, unless you are very secure in yourself and sure he will not react violently. I think he would, actually.

god yes, run

On a bad day on MN and on AIBU, you might have had just the reaction you expected, so thank goodness you had the sense to post on this board and that this thread hasn't been populated by the usual suspects who tell women that they are prudes and should just roll with the punches.

Your background totally explains why you're having difficulty with this. The solution is of course no more sexual relationships until you've worked out some of this stuff with a good therapist. If you can't afford the latter or if there are no women's charities near you offering free counselling, do some reading about how men like this target women who are already conditioned to abuse (Lundy Bancroft is very good on this) and also some material about how men who watch violent porn re-enact it in real-life with women who have difficulties with boundaries. The feminism board is great for links on this stuff.

yes, charbon, the worst of the "don't be such a frigid fucking prude, open your legs and just be grateful you turn him on so much" brigade tend not to leap into Relationships like the usual suspects on AIBU do

I have been a total shall we say 'loose woman' and slept with some very undesirables due to low self esteem and had some FWB but I would have ran a mile from this one.

He will hurt you and has shown no respect and that is not what FWB is all about. You should have fun and not be worrying about whether he is going to get sexually violent with you.

Please get some more help as you need it and it will change your persepective of what is and isn't acceptable. Take a break from sexual relationships for a while and get the fuck away from this man and I would change gyms if you can.

The freedom program might be useful? I think Womens Aid offer it for free?
He does not sound like someone to go back to for a third round.

LittleIllusionMachine, don't be too hard on yourself. Actually, you did know this was alarming behaviour and not ok, hence you posted the details.

What you are perhaps finding difficult is getting out of the situation, saying 'no'. Remember, this is not a friend so you don't have a friendship to lose. You can always go to a different gym or when you don't think he'll be there. Just be very calm and assertive 'this isn't working for me, I'd rather not be in contact again'. End of discussion.