New FWB relationship - is this normal? Please help!

[LittleIllusionMachine]

Around 2 months ago I met someone at the gym and sparked up a FWB-type relationship. We are both quite newly single and happy with the set up. We have been talking on the phone/IM quite a lot and managed to meet up twice so far.

There are just a couple of things which are ringing potential alarm bells in my head. It's quite possibly nothing to be worried about, just something I'm not used to, but I'm slightly concerned and looking for advice.

A bit about him...he is a bodybuilder and takes it all quite seriously; he goes to the gym every day and uses those protein drinks to build him up. He told me last night that he was doing weights that were twice my body weight yesterday! I've asked him if he takes steroids and he said no (I'm not so sure tbh). I know he occasionally takes weed/cocaine although that is very common where we live with people of our age group. He is really into cage fighting (watching, not participating AFAIK). We get on well and he seems like a nice guy.

We have kept some distance in that I don't know much about him and vice versa; neither of us wants to get emotionally attached. One of the only things I know other than the superficial is that his Mum was a victim of DV and he beat the bloke up.

The thing concerning me is more related to the sexual side of our relationship. Sorry if the following is TMI!

The first time we slept together was OK, he was very giving and I didn't really have a chance to return the favour. I spoke to him about it afterwards and he said that he was happy and liked to be in control.

Last night was good, although again he was very very dominating (more so this time). Again, I didn't have the chance to reciprocate. He has told me that this doesn't bother him at all, that he likes it and wants to be the one doing all the work. That's fine I suppose, it just feels strange to be so inactive and just taking it IYSWIM? I know I shouldn't really be complaining about being with someone who likes to give so much, it's just something that is very new to me. Also, last night at various points he had his hands around my neck, and when we were actually having sex he was very rough and seemed to be doing it as hard as possible. I noticed that when he was doing this he was really really staring at my face (barely blinking!) and looked really quite angry. I smiled at him and he did smile back...maybe just sex face?

I don't know. I do enjoy it, and I don't know if I'm just nervous as it's not something I've come across before. I'm just quite aware that I don't REALLY know him, and that he is already comfortable after meeting twice in completely dominating me and putting his hands around my neck. He is clearly much bigger and stronger than me, and although right now I don't feel like he would do anything bad, I'm worried it could escalate. And if it did there wouldn't be much I could do about it. With his current lifestyle and potential steroid taking I know he has a lot of testosterone floating around him right now and the potential for violence. Should I be concerned or just be happy to enjoy it as it is for now?

Can anyone advise?

You don't know he's on steroids, you're only going on his ability to lift heavy weights. For example my dh is currently lifting around 130kgs with repetitions so could dead-lift more. That might be quite intimidating for some people.

As for the sex stuff, find out why he's so into the sub/dom thing and set some boundaries with him, including a safe word/safe sign to use if you want. If you don't want, then say so.

Or, if you're getting the heeby geebies then leave it and move on.

If he were a one night stand rather than someone who you nearly know, would you still think it was ok? There is a reason your little voice is saying this. Why do you trust him more than yourself?

Rose West!!! I just spat my tea Cogito!

Squishy That's about the amount he told me he was lifting - it just seems so much, like you say...intimidating. I don't know how he manages it. You are right he may not be taking steroids. I just didn't know if it was possible to do what he does without them. He told me he isn't. He even seemed quite pissed off that I thought that tbh.

I just don't know! I completely understand everyone saying run for the hills. Completely. The whole strangulation/Jo Yeates thing has scared the crap out of me!

But maybe I've overstated things. He did put his hand on my neck but it wasn't hard, there wasn't any pressure...I did enjoy it. I'm not sure. I know it's hardly vanilla, but there are people out there that enjoy a healthy sub/dom relationship...

I know how frustrating it is when people ask for advice and ignore it, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure things out. I don't know! I have no-one (apart from Rose) to speak to in RL and I know her POV is not always the most helpful.

I've been hurt by past experiences and I'm not sure if this is just me just being too over-cautious in a situation that is actually OK and I could continue to enjoy. Or maybe I'm just fucking naive. Arrgh

There are plenty if people who have a healthy sub/dom relationship however key to it being healthy is trust, understanding and communication - you have none of these. Sadly your relationship ticks none of the boxes that allow that kind of relationship to he healthy. If you feel that it could be then test the water! Talk to him, discuss your/his likes and dislikes, agree on a safe word etc. Tbh that is the only way you are really going to get a feel for him and his approach in any case. Just, please, don't go blindly in and hope it will be ok because it won't. Without proper understanding someone will get hurt (physically or emotionally).

You don't have a sub/dom relationship with this man

The boundaries haven't been drawn, and the issue of how you withdraw your consent if necessary has not been discussed

what it seems you may have is a man that is going to keep pushing your boundaries, whilst ignoring your signals

is that what you want ?

you seem rather naive....and rather romanticising a pretty scary situation

stop listening to your mad friend, and being reactive instead of proactive

if you must shag this guy again, I think he needs a short, sharp shock about his rapid escalation of his domination of you (not just in the bedroom)

Your friend is clueless.

He is being very giving to reel you in...

If you have shagged him twice and already you are asking if something is okay then get the hell out of there!

Even me who is pretty useless on threads like this is getting that there is a script and it is from the OP. Starts off worried and posts extreme things. Is shocked my unanimous response. Back tracks....

He could kill you accidentally or he could kill you on purpose or he might not. Worth the risk?

a non-dangerous sub/dom relationship is something that is carefully thought out and talked about. it's something you are constantly communicating about, both verbally and non-verbally, with someone you trust.

sub/dom is about trust, that's what makes it a turn on basically. without trust and communication, it's just plain dangerous.

but what you are talking about is (and i am not saying any of these individual factors is utterly terrible, except for one or two - it's just that the big picture is quite clear here)

• a body builder who can lift double your body weight
• who takes cocaine
• and enjoys cage fighting
• and has a history of violence
• who put his hands around your throat during sex
• the second time you had sex
• and was extremely rough
• without talking to you about it
• without asking you how you felt about it (verbally or non-verbally)
• and while giving you the intense rage face
• and has escalated his physical domination with you within the space of two encounters
• making you uncomfortable enough to ask a bunch of strangers if all this is OK

that is not sub/dom. there was no negotiation here, no trust. this person is violating your boundaries and you are asking yourself whether it's OK. that is an incredibly bad sign. if this is what you wanted, you would just be plain delighted, not unsettled.

you are in trouble and you need to trust your instincts. fear exists for a reason, let it do its job, put distance between yourself and this person.

Hell should freeze over before you have sex with him again,he's unsafe to shag!

He sounds ghastly.
Your friend probably thinks her attitude is being all liberated and open minded, but it's not - it's naive.

Having seen your latest post, I think yes, you are being naive.

The not allowing you give back to him is a real red flag too. Many abusers do this. Get the Fuck away from him!

oikopolis has hit the nail on the head.

Would you want your daughter or best friend in a relationship like this?

This is NOT FWB.

He is not a friend. And sounds like a proper self-obsessed dangerous arse to boot.

No, its not normal. But people's sense of normal seems to be out there these days

If this was a committed serious relationship then I'd say the sex sounds quite spicy. I like rough sex but I have never had his hands around my neck. But as I said, in a committed relationship it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing as long as it was agreed and that there were clear boundaries.

This was your second night in bed together. Soooo many things wrong there. I'm with the others. Run. Run like the wind.

This is not a fwb. It sounds to me like you are already attached. If you weren't it would be a simple choice not to see him again. I would detach very fast.

I think a big strong man dominating me.with rough sex is my ultimate fantasy... IF it is someone I trust and I feel safe.

You are worried about it and as you say, you know nothing about him. I think in your situation I probably wouldn't see him again.

Usually if someone is into something a bit kinky they introduce it gradually to test the water or discuss it to check their partner is ok with it. The fact this man has just plunged straight in there I find a bit worrying.

The main problem is that he hasn't even asked you if he can put his hands round your neck or shag you really hard, he's just doing these things. Makes you wonder what he'll do next!

You op made me feel really uncomfortable. Its just not right. Im pretty adventurous as well, there's just something about the way this guy has complete control that makes me very nervous.

I have been out with body builders and they each had some very undesirable issues.

Thank you everyone for the advice - I really appreciate it.

FateLovesTheFearless I think you're right - I've become too attached and that's why I'm finding it hard to break away.

If it was anyone else I would be giving the exact same advice. I KNOW I should run. So why the hell have I got a little voice in my head saying "yes but...it's not so bad, he's nice really, I did tell him I didn't want deep and meaningful sex" etc etc...?!

I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now and clearly this relationship is a side effect of that. Fuck. I really need to sort my head out.

Playing devil's advocate but maybe his reasoning is that you agreed you were into a no strings attached affair and that because you were open minded about casual sex that you might be up for anything. Or that you didn't want deep and meaningful sex, just the hard and rough kind.

That's probably worded very wrongly but I know what I mean...

That's fine Believe, I know what you mean. That's what I've been thinking. And like I said, I did enjoy it.... I don't know if I'm just being paranoid about the other factors when there is no need to be? Confused!

Sorry imogen, I wasn't ignoring you, X post. Thank you.

Rationally I know what you are all saying is right. I'm honestly trying really hard to get my head around that.