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Original poster

how can i make him stay?

134 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:28

dh has been offered an amazing job with a life changing salary. the only thing is that its in malaysia(he worked there before but only for 12 weeks at a time). i don't want to go myself and i cry everytime i think of leaving our lovely home and life here.

he has said he is really considering going. all he keeps on about is being mortgage free in two years and we can go and see him and he will come home every 12 weeks.

i told him we need him here as a family and forbid him to go last night in a big row. he is being really selfish even considering it dc's are little and need their dad around.

what can i do to change his mind for good?

or is it me being selfish?

OP posts:
buggyRunner · 08/05/2012 07:31

You can't make him stay- only he can decide this. Sorry. If you dictate to him he will resent you.

Perhaps agree him doing it for 2 years and then that's it- mortgage free etc? Do you work?

Bucharest · 08/05/2012 07:31

What you can't and mustn't do is forbid him to go.

You need to it down properly and talk it through as un-emotively as possible.

How long is it for?
Would you go with him? Do you work? Is there an ex-pat package for families?
Has he been offered it out of the blue or has he applied for it?
Will he go anyway even if you "forbid" him?
etc etc.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:33

i work as his company secretary. doing his books but mostly i am a sahm.

two years is a long time for little ones. i can't bare them thinking of him being a stranger.

OP posts:
Hopefullyrecovering · 08/05/2012 07:35

I don't think anyone has a right within a marriage to forbid the other from doing something. Everyone's views should be taken into account of course, and weighed accordingly. You're upset and you don't like the course that your DH proposes to take, for you as a family. But you simply don't have the right to forbid him from going. You have the right to leave him if you don't like his behaviour or chosen lifestyle.

FWIW I'm not sure if he is doing the wrong thing for the family unit. I know it feels wrong for you, and I'm sure you're right that the DCs would prefer him in the UK. But a lot of people do work abroad/away from home and manage to sustain family lives.

NiceViper · 08/05/2012 07:37

Why would he be a stranger? On a "life changing salary" there should be plenty of opportunity to visit, in both directions. They will take your lead on how they think of Daddy working away and this aspect, at least, is only a problem if you make it one.

Bucharest · 08/05/2012 07:37

2 years is no time at all for anyone!

How old are the children?

No-one is a stranger anymore with skype and what have you.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:39

i could go with him. but i am close to my parents and friends.

he was offered this as he started this project himself and had to leave when i had dd,

its basically his baby. he will be gone for two years.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:41

ds is two and dc is eight months.

OP posts:
NiceViper · 08/05/2012 07:43

Then your choice is simple: who are you putting first in next 2 years? Your immediate family unit and DH? Or other family and friends?

Bucharest · 08/05/2012 07:43

And there we have it.

Your parents/friends or your husband's big chance.

Similarly to my previous post.....2 yrs is nothing. You can talk to your mummy and daddy every day, 10 times a day, ditto your friends.

You aren't even considering going with him, I don't think, are you?

If he loves you, then on your insistence, he probably won't go. Mine wouldn't. But, he will probably resent you for it for the rest of his life. That's something else you need to think about.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:44

the package is amazing he gets a good salary. 2 grand pounds for housing free healthcare free nursery/schooling.

the offer is there fir all of us. i have a feeling I'm being a cow.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 07:45

Who remembers anything from before they were four years old? Your children will see Dad every few weeks in person, nightly on Skype. He's working, not on a holiday. It's your choice to stay put when you could go with him. Your parents will survive without you, I'm sure.

Gumby · 08/05/2012 07:45

I'd go with him
You'll still be close to your parents and friends
You can come back in a couple of years & be mortgage free Envy

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:48

i know my parents would be gutted. and i don't make friends easily. there is almost no family units there just married men on there own.

I'm so torn, dh is bolder than me and will go anywhere without thinking about it.

OP posts:
juneau · 08/05/2012 07:49

You could be mortgage free after only two years? I'm sorry, but I think you're the one being unreasonable. If you can't bear the thought of him leaving and being on your own with the children for those two years, then go with him. He's your husband FFS. You'll survive without your parents, but if your marriage breaks down because you're being stubborn then where will you be? It's time for you to put your little family unit first - that's you, DH and kids - not your wider family. It's only for two years - that's not a lot.

Bucharest · 08/05/2012 07:49

2 and 8 mths, they would neither notice he'd been gone, or realise they'd been shipped to Malaysia for 2 yrs.

It would be "oh when I was tiny, my Dad worked away for 2 yrs, I can't remember any of it of course" or " I lived in Malaysia for 2 yrs, not that I can remember any of it"

What do your parents say? Out of curiosity...

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:53

i haven't said anything, they have health problems and don't want to worry them.

OP posts:
buggyRunner · 08/05/2012 07:53

I think you're scared and worried about you which of course is perfectly fine. However, you need to weigh up the pros and cons for you as a fanily

GrossePopel · 08/05/2012 07:54

Only you can decide, but 2 years is nothing. I would keep my family together and go with him. Your friends and family will still be there when you get back. And if the salary is that good, you can fly them over to see you.

CaveMum · 08/05/2012 07:54

Many many people are in a similar situation - think of service families who have to deal with separation for months on end, often with little communication and the added risk of being shot/blown up, etc.

The key is if you want to, you can make it work.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:58

the salary would be 82 thousand all together. its not a small amount, he will think something is up if i suddenly change tack. need to deal to my parents really.

OP posts:
Chandon · 08/05/2012 07:58

I went with my DH to a 3rd world destination.

It was an adventure.

But he would not have gone if I would have refused.

Still, can't you see it as an adventure? As a chance? Rent out your home, pack up, and live in Malaysia for 2 years?

That's what I would do.

By the way, we had a FAB time together. First year is hard work getting kids sorted, language, finding friends. Second year is fun and great. IME anyway.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:59

speak not deal.

OP posts:
Chandon · 08/05/2012 07:59

and yes, my kids do not remember anything, but they like the "stories" from when they lived there

izzyizin · 08/05/2012 07:59

FGS!!! Dry your tears and go with him. You'll have the time of your life - and so will your dc, you'll be able to skype your dps and friends, fly back for visits every 3 months or so, and your lovely life and home will be waiting for you to pick up on mortgage free in 2 years' time.

It's what's called a no-brainer.

Btw; no matter how close you may be to your dps, your first loyalty is to your dh. If you should decide not to go with him, at the very least you owe him your uncomplaining support and wholehearted encouragement while he endeavours to secure the financial future of his family in these uncertain economic times.

Give that man a medal!