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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can i make him stay?

134 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:28

dh has been offered an amazing job with a life changing salary. the only thing is that its in malaysia(he worked there before but only for 12 weeks at a time). i don't want to go myself and i cry everytime i think of leaving our lovely home and life here.

he has said he is really considering going. all he keeps on about is being mortgage free in two years and we can go and see him and he will come home every 12 weeks.

i told him we need him here as a family and forbid him to go last night in a big row. he is being really selfish even considering it dc's are little and need their dad around.

what can i do to change his mind for good?

or is it me being selfish?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 08/05/2012 13:20

devil it really doesn't matter how stunning another country is...if someone doesn't want to leave their home to live there, then it's not an attrction at all...I know because I could have lived in a stunning, hot couuntry with great food and friendly people....but it wasn't home so it may as well have been a rubbish tip to me...it mattered not.

People are all I want...not stunning views...I want my family and friends. OP...it's not permanent....you WILL cope and a temporary separation can ve fab for your confidence...it was for mine.

ExpatAl · 08/05/2012 13:50

But can't you see it works both ways? As you said, it's not permanent - the OP can survive two years away. It might do wonders for her self confidence. Who knows? She has a family - her husband and two children. Anyway, it sounds as if Scarlett is going to have a good talk with her dh and hopefully they'll come to an agreement together.

AbigailAdams · 08/05/2012 14:04

It might do the absolute opposite for her self esteem. Especially as her instinct is not to go. And then she will be trapped 1000s of miles from home, reliant on a handout from a man who has already shown himself to be financially controlling, to get home again.

All the red flags are there. It's like red flag central.

travailtotravel · 08/05/2012 19:01

I've read the other thread now. I saw red flags when I said think about the practicalities and costs/finances as it seems unrealistic to "change the world" on 82k a year (though to be fair, as you said this was post tax it could just!) now I see the financial control/things angle .... explains a lot.

I think there's a lot more too this. I would go personally - it could be the change/break that makes the switch but there is MASSES at stake. I would maybe only go if you had the money to be able to get back if you needed and/or the property is in both your names etc - ie you have something to fall back on if it, well, falls apart. And use the time to do something that would mean I could be more independent, eg an OU degree or a training course. You will have the money while you are there, and the support (staff/nursery etc) to allow you to do it. You might not if you stay here.

Good luck with what you decide, Scarlett, this is a really tough call for you.

TheHappyHissy · 09/05/2012 00:31

Let him go. Go and visit if you want to.

See how strong YOU become without skirting board man breathing down your neck.

he's turned a corner, because he's seen an opportunity to get you out there isolated on your own and under his command! He sounds abusive, counselling is NEVER indicated with abusers.

IF you decided to go (which tbh I don't think would be a good idea as a permanent move, better to visit for a while before you make a big decision like that) Your DC are the perfect age to go, they'd be back in great time to start school proper.

If you go, make sure you keep the passports and have an open ticket back home.

There is a great opportunity for you hear love, in both respects of your own freedom or perhaps the relationship mending itself.

Worst comes to worst, he goes out there, it all goes tits up, but in 2 years there is no mortgage to pay and you get half of the assets...

This could be the making of you in many, many ways.

TheHappyHissy · 09/05/2012 00:31

sorry here, not hear...

garlicbutty · 09/05/2012 00:42

Oh. I was all for Go, it'll be a glorious adventure, here are some stories from my friends who live in KL.

But now I've read the rest of the thread.

Send him off with your blessings. Stay here. See how things go.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 09/05/2012 07:33

after talking to him last night i would be going for six months maximum with an open ended ticket.

he would never try and trap me he knows better than that. it will mean a year on my own which is fine i will cope.

still have lots to sort till he does accept, lots more questions. i appretiate all of your concerns but its really not needed.

OP posts:
bronze · 09/05/2012 07:54

Look into the laws regarding children before you do anything else.

There doesn't seem to be the other option of he doesn't go at all which to me is rather worrying.
Your op made me nervous for you, the other post more so but I'm not going to scream don't go with an abusive man. I will say though that your relationship doesn't seen to be very strong, and you need to be in a really good place to survive either him being away that much or leaving the country to be with him.
Having said that if he's not there for longer periods of time so he's not coming home to complain how you're doing things you may enjoy having the time apart on larger chunks then big periods of being together

RabidAnchovy · 09/05/2012 08:03

I think you need to compromise, if it is two years then go for 6 months come back for 6 months go for six months and then home again

I don't think you can "forbid" a grown man to go to work, and think what a better position you will be in at the end of the 2 years, it will fly by

ExpatAl · 09/05/2012 08:12

Great news Scarlett. You sound very strong. I hope this all turns out well for you.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 09/05/2012 08:17

thats what im going to do rabid.

he will need to find somewhere for us to live then ill go after.

he hadnt said he would go with no disscusion either, if i had said no totally he wouldn't have gone at all staying here etc.

what laws are that bronze?

OP posts:
Bucharest · 09/05/2012 08:21

Probably laws regarding custody in the event of a separation. Or in the event of you deciding to come home from Malaysia and whether you would be able to bring the children back without explicit permission from him etc.

Keep your eyes open Scarlett.

bronze · 09/05/2012 08:38

Yes that. Of course I don't know if there would be any such laws but sounds like you don't either so best to check

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 09/05/2012 08:56

we are not seperating??

no custody battle at all, jeesh i have never said that all will be done between two consenting parents.

as long as they have one parent with them its ok you don't need permission. this is the problem when girls get shipped abroad to be married off. you only need one guardian.

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/05/2012 09:06

Normally you dont need permission, but one parent can state disagreement, thus preventing the other from taking the children abroad.
And check Malaysian laws first.

Plus, if you effectively end up residing there, a court might find that if you take them away withouknute permission of the other parent it is parental child abduction.

TheHappyHissy · 09/05/2012 09:08

"he would never try and trap me he knows better than that"

OK, and how would you get out if he DID? Read your thread from 3 weeks ago. That man you sleep next to is STILL capable of that, he's just not doing it now... for whatever reason.

Regardless of your future, you need to understand legal ramifications of the worst case scenario.

If it were not for that other thread I'd not be so spooked, but you wrote that, he did that and we read it.

PROTECT YOURSELF, don't expect anyone else to.

ExpatAl · 09/05/2012 09:10

The dh will have a working permit. He will be a foreign national in Malaysia. Stop scare mongering and more importantly, stop assuming that Scarlett is thick.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 09/05/2012 09:14

thanks expat

apparently I'm married to a child abducting, woman trapper.

as i said we are dealing with our marriage issues. if it was that bad i wouldn't even bother.

OP posts:
mummytime · 09/05/2012 09:22

Okay but I do see where those posters are coming from, if you read other threads on the relationship board you will too.

I would just check; or get him to affidavits a letter before you go, it could be handy even if you just have to come back in a hurry because there is a family crisis. The last thing you want to do is to get to the airport and be stopped until they can check your husband has given permission to take the kids, this can happen in the US for example, so it's not just Malaysia.

bronze · 09/05/2012 09:30

No it would/could be you who was the abductor...

I have a pretty good relationship with my dh but it wouldnt stop me checking everything I possibly could before I made myself and my children more vulnerable

Bucharest · 09/05/2012 10:17

You are very naive Scarlett.

I am happily together with my dp, the father of my child....at Christmas we flew from our family home in Italy to the UK to my mother's. Dp finishes work later than I do, do dd and I flew back 4 days earlier. I was stopped both at passport control in Italy and at passport entry control in London and asked for the letter of consent from the child's father that I could travel with her and without him.

It is being brought in to all EU airports (most EU continental airports already ask this, and US and Canada have been hot on it for some time)

No-one is accusing you/your husband of anything. No-one is inventing anything. Any inferences we are making are because of what you have told us.

Bucharest · 09/05/2012 10:19

ExpatAl- the fact that her dh will have a work permit does not preclude him from continuing his abusive behaviour towards her and stopping her taking the children back to the UK.

ExpatAl · 09/05/2012 10:33

You were flying back from your family home. So what nationality are you and your dh?

Bucharest · 09/05/2012 10:34

British Citizens.

Your point being?