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Original poster

how can i make him stay?

134 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:28

dh has been offered an amazing job with a life changing salary. the only thing is that its in malaysia(he worked there before but only for 12 weeks at a time). i don't want to go myself and i cry everytime i think of leaving our lovely home and life here.

he has said he is really considering going. all he keeps on about is being mortgage free in two years and we can go and see him and he will come home every 12 weeks.

i told him we need him here as a family and forbid him to go last night in a big row. he is being really selfish even considering it dc's are little and need their dad around.

what can i do to change his mind for good?

or is it me being selfish?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/05/2012 08:01

Surely you need to put your DH and children first, if it was the other way round, you had been offered a wonderful opportunity, and your DH said he had to 'stay behind because of his parents', what would you think? Most parents bring their children up to be happy and independent, I would hate to think of my DS turning down such a fantastic opportunity in the future.

AfternoonsAndCoffeespoons · 08/05/2012 08:01

2 years really is nothing. Slightly different, but my Dad was in the Navy from before I was born until I was about 6/7. I know he went away a lot, but I have only a very vague memory of it and he was definitely never a 'stranger'. He was my dad and thats just what he did.

TanteRose · 08/05/2012 08:02

just for the record, Malaysia is hardly a "third world destination"

if you are going to be in KL, its a huge, modern city

Malaysia is a lovely country with lovely people - I would seriously consider going if I were you

TheCunningStunt · 08/05/2012 08:05

Your DCs are so young, I would go. And to be mortgage free in two years? I would definitely do that. My DCs are older now and one is settled well in school, so if dp ever had this opportunity, she would probably go alone with us seeing her when we could. But I would still think of it as a great (albeit hard) opportunity for us as a family.

TrippleBerryFairy · 08/05/2012 08:05

God this sounds tough.

In my eyes there are 3 possibilities:

  1. You 'forbid' him to go and he stays. Do you think he would resent you for this and constantly remind you in the future? If he stayed because of your opposition do you think you would still have a good relationship?
  1. He goes alone. Seeing him every 3 months does sound tough but I think you are in a good position in that you have family/friends around to help you out with DCs. You could also meet every week via skype as someone suggested.
  1. You go with him. The downside is that all your support network stays here. Also, just because you're there it doesn't mean you will see a lot of DH - he might be out a lot working. So in the end DC might not see him that much either. But they would not be able to see their GPs and do things they're used to do.

If it was me I would probably try and go with DP but for max a year (as your older will be 3 then and ready to go to preschool) or less if you find it too hard there.

It's hard, of course it would be lovely to be mortgage free in 2 years time (in fact, that would be heaven!) but 2 years seems like such a long time especially when you have little ones...

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 08:07

KL is not third world i second that. city is fab and warm all year round.

I'm scared really, as i said im not that bold.

OP posts:
frankie76 · 08/05/2012 08:08

You need to go to
2 years - yrbu
I can't believe you are not even considering it

travailtotravel · 08/05/2012 08:09

I second considering going - Malaysia is fantastic and its only 13 hours to fly to KL. But I also think you both need to be realistic and do some maths...

You mentioned he would be on 82k is that £ or $? Will it be taxed locally or on UK tax rates? Look at costs of accommodation in the place where he would work. You mention free childcare and school that's good but what are the other costs for your 2 years. How often do you want to come back to the UK? What;s the average cost? Will you be working? If so, doing what and how easy will it be to get work? If you're not working how much are clubs etc that you might want?

Are you keeping your house in the UK - renting it out or just keeping it as a "Holiday home"? If you are renting it, you need to account for paying tax on the rental over a certain amount.

I am sorry to say, and know I will be shot down for saying this, that 82k is NOT a lifechanging amount of money and something that will necessarily make you mortgage free.

I don't know your circumstances of course but expat living costs can be high.

Sorry to be practical.

fluffiphlox · 08/05/2012 08:10

I'd go. Two years will go in a flash. The world's a much smaller place than it was. You can have hols here and your friends and relatives can visit you. I'm envious that you have this opportunity.

cheeseandpineapple · 08/05/2012 08:12

Agree with cavemum, you can make it work and you never know, you might enjoy it, a chance to spend some time in a different part of the world, there are some beautiful places around there. I lived in that region for a few years and loved it but I'm a serial expat and haven't lived in the UK for years. I know plenty of people who do a few years stint and then head home having made a bit of cash. If you're getting your housing paid, you could rent out your house in the uk for a couple of years and make some more money that way.

Only thing is, projects can over run and he might be optimistic in saying the mortgage will be paid off in 2 years but if on balance, you're all going to be better off, would say at least think about giving it a bash, could be chance of a lifetime.

If you do go for it, it can take a few months to settle so don't be put off straight away just book lots of trips to Thailand, Singapore, HK, Bali, Australia, NZ, Cambodia etc etc.

If you keep an open mind, it could be amazing!

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 08/05/2012 08:12

I am surprised at the responses you have had on here OP. I would feel the same as you. As a family my DP and I make big decisions together, rather than 1 dictating what they are going to do. And 2 years is a long time with young dcs and skype is not the same as actually being around. It will also mean much more work and responsibility for you with child rearing.

In terms of what you do about it, I think thats much harder. Although I would say to those who tell you not to forbid him to go as he will resent you - isn't there just as much a risk that if he goes the OP will resent her DH?

Sorry, don't have any real solutions to suggest, just wanted to say I agree with you OP

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 08:14

we only have a very small mortgage left only about 40 k all monies are stated in pounds sterling and this is a net salary not gross, so the figures given are final salary figures/take home after taxes etc.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/05/2012 08:16

In that case, this is your golden opportunity to become more self-sufficient, more confident, more capable, more outgoing and generally 'bolder' in how you approach life and people.

This is one of those occasions when you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Go for it, honey - you can always come back if you find that it genuinely isn't for you.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 08:16

we already have rental properties so know what's involved. we wouldn't rent it out maybe employ a house sitting service. to watch over it if we did go.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 08/05/2012 08:16

Exactly Eats.....the OP has "forbidden" her husband to go. As you say,totally out of order.....

Scarlett- of course it's scary, especially if (as I infer from your posts?) you probably still live close to your support network of family. But scary is sometimes good....and I doubt on your deathbed you'll be saying "oh I'm so glad I forbade my husband to go and take the chance of a lifetime all those years ago"

How did you leave it with him?

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 08:18

I don't agree that this is his decision, you are a family so you make decisions like this together. I bet you wouldn't one day say you were off to another country and expect him to like it or lump it.

As for him resenting you, well what about you resenting him for buggering off to another country for a couple of years against your wishes!

This will affect you hugely and will make you effectively a single mum for the next two years. I would hate to not have my husbands support on a daily basis.

I think it would be very hard to maintain the level of relationship between him and the children with him so far away and for so long so i think you are right to be worried about that.

Are your children in school? If so you visiting him won't be so easy or frequent.

Saying that though the money sounds really good so for that reason i would consider going with him. Personally i would see it as an adventure! Id love it.

What does strike me though is that me and my Dh were discussing a possible similar situation and he said that he WOULD NOT go if he couldn't take us or if we didn't want to go as he wouldn't want to be separated from his family for long periods. He goes away with work occasionally and hates being gone more then a couple of days as he misses us all so much.

Does your husband not feel the same?

I would also be worried about your relationship and the two of you drifting apart as often happens.

bronze · 08/05/2012 08:19

Very unfair of people to say you are being unreasonable. You are a person with feelings too even if you are also part of a family unit.
Try the toss a coin trick, I you're happy with the result go for it, if you're not then you know your true feelings

Callisto · 08/05/2012 08:27

Well if my DH 'forbade' me to take an opportunity like this he wouldn't be my DH for long.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 08/05/2012 08:31

If my DP presented a scenario like this as a fait accompli - so like it or lump it - then callisto I would be seriously questioning our relationship. Big decisions should be made together

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 08/05/2012 08:38

Why don't you go for 6 months there 6 months here type of thing?

If your house is here and. Empty you're very free to go between the two aren't you? The dc are young enough to deal with the change etc.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 08:42

its not a done deal, i said no in the heat of an argument.

he has always worked away for all of dc's life. at first it was for 8 to 12 week periods. then it changed to monday to friday working away now its monday to thursday. I'm fine being alone with my children. that's not the issue.

we are speaking its ok. more talking needs to be done.

i feel like its all about the money with him and not thinking of his children, and me.

OP posts:
Honky · 08/05/2012 08:48

Two years are nothing - I lived in NYC for two years and it was over before I knew it (sadly). Looking back on it now, it feels like I was there so fleetingly.

I think you should be bold, step outside of your comfort zone and go. Once your children are in school, you'll never have the opportunity again. And if your DH is earning well, he'll be able to pay for you to go back for visits, and maybe for your parents to come and see you.

I moved abroad (from NYC but not back to UK) 12 years ago, to somewhere I didn't speak the language, and where I didn't know anyone apart from DH. There are nice people everywhere and when you have small children, it's really easy to get to know them. I also have no support network here (DH's parents are not nearby either) but it doesn't matter.

It's not so hard! And it really is a chance of a lifetime.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 08:58

just called dh and asked if it would be ok if i went with the little ones for six month periods.

he said this would be better and would talk more later. i suppose we will take it from there.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/05/2012 09:10

From the title of your post, I thought this would be on the lines of 'how can I make stay with me instead of going off with his ow' Grin

Some men are driven to make ever increasing amounts of money; some men are idle layabouts who don't have an ambitious bone in their bodies.

I know which type I'd rather have and if you read this board on a regular basis, you'll know that many thousands of women would give their eye-teeth to have your 'problems'.

SearchSquad · 08/05/2012 09:10

Right now your DCs are small and not of a school going age. The money is good and you are not tied to a job.

I think this is a great opportunity for you and your family to earn more money, travel, experience living in a foreign country and learn adapting to a new environment.

Two years is a very short time and it will pass before it even registers.

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