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Original poster

how can i make him stay?

134 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 08/05/2012 07:28

dh has been offered an amazing job with a life changing salary. the only thing is that its in malaysia(he worked there before but only for 12 weeks at a time). i don't want to go myself and i cry everytime i think of leaving our lovely home and life here.

he has said he is really considering going. all he keeps on about is being mortgage free in two years and we can go and see him and he will come home every 12 weeks.

i told him we need him here as a family and forbid him to go last night in a big row. he is being really selfish even considering it dc's are little and need their dad around.

what can i do to change his mind for good?

or is it me being selfish?

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 08/05/2012 09:11

I know it feels like he's putting money before the kids but I think he's thinking long term for the kids security with regards to the mortgage etc.

He is thinking about them and they're security. Just in a financial, non emotional way that you can't connect with maybe?

bringbacksideburns · 08/05/2012 09:15

What searchsquad said - two years will fly by and then the children will start school and have their dad there.

You are incredibly fortunate to be able to pay off your mortgage so quickly when you are so young. It's like an albatross round most people's necks until they retire.

It will free you to have a great life.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 08/05/2012 09:16

It's so hard but I see both sides....my DH worked away for ten solid months and we never saw him at all except on Skype. We thought about the money and that was all....he "came" to DDs 2nd birthday on Skype...the comp was placed on the table next to the trifle!

It's hard...but really...you'll see him every 12 weeks and be mortgage free in 2 years?? No question there in my opinion....you WILL manage...millions do....I couldn't even drive and so was stuck at home a lot on my own with the DC...the DC were fine because I was fine....I had to tell them a lot that he would be back but it was more for my benefit iykwim.

He put them to bed with me every night...read stories...it can be really good for a relationship too...it was for us. We appreciate one another more now.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 08/05/2012 09:17

Oh...my DDs were 5 and coming up for 2 years old and they are now 7 and 4 and have no memory of the time at all. Not any...

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 09:22

Two years is not "nothing" - it's your son's whole life and longer than your baby has been around.

Missing two years of living as a family is not something I would be prepared to contemplate. I've done 2 years away from DH (before DCs) and it's absolute bollocks that you'll barely notice the time apart.

No way would I put that kind of pressure on a marriage, or estrange children from their Dad that way.

However, you don't need him to stay. You just need to be a but braver about going.

This is a really good job, and the financial implications for all if you will be enormous. Going to Malaysia for a couple of years will be an adventure. Yes, it will be tough on you, but if approached with the right attitude it could be a wonderful experience.

If I were in your situation my terms would be either we all go, or nobody goes. But I would go - this is a big chance for all of you if you just grasp it.

AbigailAdams · 08/05/2012 09:24

Well I have quite a bit of sympathy for you OP. Being in a foreign country where you don't know the language or the culture with two very young children, no friends and by the sounds of it very few people that you are likely to come across in the same position, your DH working hard and you not able to get paid employment would be incredibly isolating. So I am not surprised you are baulking at the idea of going. He won't be the one who is doing all the compromising while out there, after all.

I think your recent update is an excellent compromise. 6 months would be a lot easier to envisage than 2 years. 2 years is a long time if you are miserable.

Would your DH do this for you if the roles were reversed?

However I agree

AbigailAdams · 08/05/2012 09:26

Ignore the errant "However I agree"!

CeeBee44 · 08/05/2012 09:30

I thought I recognised you from one of your previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451759-he-has-said-he-is-leaving-advice-needed?pg=1

With an opportunity like this, I would normally be the first person to say go for it, grab it with both hands.

But you need to think very, very carefully before you agree to go anywhere with this man.

GColdtimer · 08/05/2012 09:33

Will it be kl? Then if so there is quite a large family orientated community - my friend has just moved there, she has 3 children under 5 and is enjoying it. They can afford to employ a part time nanny and so she gets time to go to the gym as well as continuing her own business from home.

Try it for 6 months. You have nothing to loose.

AbigailAdams · 08/05/2012 09:36

OMG! That changes everything! And also confirms what U thought might be the case - he wouldn't do this compromise for you.

This man sounds horrible. Definitely don't go and isolate yourself from your family for him.

AbigailAdams · 08/05/2012 09:37

"what I thought...."

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2012 09:40

CeeBee, thanks for posting that link, I think it's very easy for people to say 'go, it'll all be fine' but actually, it depends how strong your relationship is, and unfortunately, from what the OP has said in the other thread, it is a volatile relationship in which he flips out over things like you not cleaning the skirting boards and threatening to leave you, as well as taking your car and phone off you. I would NOT go abroad with a controlling and EA man like this, you would be crazy to leave your friends and family and support network under these circumstances.

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2012 09:42

In fact, I would look on him going abroad for two years as a blessing in disguise. I suspect when you realise how much nicer life is without him and his tantrums on weekends, you'll be looking for him to spend a lot more time on the other side of the world.

Basically, going abroad doesn't solve problems, you just take them with you, I wouldn't take a volatile controlling marriage to Malaysia and expect to have a nice time, you won't.

ExpatAl · 08/05/2012 09:42

Don't be too hasty. Why not ask a counsellor to help you and your dh to talk about this? You can't forbid and he can't demand you act as a skivvy. It sounds as if you both have frustrations and are now at the point where it's hard to discuss reasonably. Dh and I had a similar situation 5 or so years ago, but in fact we came to have a much deeper understanding of each others hopes and fears (fears being the crucial thing). Best wishes.

bronze · 08/05/2012 09:43

I agree don't go.

Honky · 08/05/2012 09:45

Ok, well that changes everything. Don't go.

ExpatAl · 08/05/2012 09:47

P.S. Malaysia is wonderful and very family oriented. You might love it.

CeeBee44 · 08/05/2012 09:51

Completely agree, Mumsy. And I don't mean to be harsh OP, but I think that all the posters on this thread who have advised you to "go for it" would have advised completely the opposite had they known a little more about your H and the state of your relationship.

imogengladheart · 08/05/2012 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpyourself · 08/05/2012 09:53

2 years is nothing- go. If you're not renting your house out you can come back to see your family. Have you visited KL?

Mumsyblouse · 08/05/2012 09:57

Yes:

Shall I take a risk and go with my supportive, amazing husband to Malaysia to support his lifetime dream?

is a different question than

Shall I go abroad without my support network with a man who is very critical and controlling (e.g. won't give me money) and where we have a very volatile relationship at best?

It's not mean to the OP to point out these are not the same question, lots of things go into a decision to move abroad, I would find it very difficult to live abroad just depending on one person and my husband is nice!

imogengladheart · 08/05/2012 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExpatAl · 08/05/2012 10:01

I think some of you guys are bringing your own baggage to this conversation. The op has spoken about her dh when she is upset and angry so she is hardly going to give an unbiased account in both accounts. If the dh is the breadwinner and has an opportunity to pay off the mortgage in two years it needs some serious thought. If you think about this kindly some of his extreme behaviour could be attributed to stress about finances. And if you think about this cynically, his extra income will stand her in good stead if she wants to leave.

Lueji · 08/05/2012 10:03

Your family and friends aren't going anywhere. And if they do, why should you stay for them?

Have you been to Malaysia?
You might even be able to make friends there more easily, particularly in the expat community.

Your children are also very young, so they will hardly notice the change.
Get a webcam and install Skype or MSN and you can easily keep in touch with your family and friends.

The only thing is that I wouldn't commit straight on to live there permanently for a number of years yet. I think your plan of visiting is a good way of assessing if you will feel comfortable there or not.

But... be optimistic about it.
Think of it as broadening your horizons. From Malaysia you can visit a few countries in the Far East and come in contact with a different culture.
It could be an amazing experience if you open yourself to it. :)

bringbacksideburns · 08/05/2012 10:08

Hmmmm. Well now i've read your history your relationship doesn't sound that great and he sounds like a bully.

Can you stay here whilst he works there? I wouldn't follow him. Not if he can have you in tears insisting you clean skirting boards. Bloody hell!!

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