How to 'win' at online dating

[OnlineDatingQueen]

This may be controversial... Have name changed.

Online dating has proved very successful for me and three friends ie we are happily married to lovely men we met online dating. We are ordinary women with decent jobs, not supermodels / mega wealthy etc.

Constantly seeing threads on MN and other sites where women are OD and having a nightmare meeting decent guys who don't just want a shag. The people who nay-say the most make (IMHO) certain key mistakes. I would therefore like to share my 'tough love' tips for online dating. Please don't feel patronised and do feel free to flame me to death. Doesn't change the fact that for me and three friends we have met and married brilliant guys who we met OD.

1. Don't expect to enjoy every date - this is crucial. I once read something where OD was compared to job hunting - it involves time investment (online), getting dressed up and feeling nervous (for dates). It is not always a comfortable experience and it is MUCH easier to stay home. No pain, no gain. I went on 20+ first dates over a 5 month period before meeting DH. At least one date a week most weeks, occasionally two.

1. DO NOT HAVE SEX ON FIRST DATE - or indeed in first month. I have read exceptions to this where it has worked out (online) but don't know of anyone personally. They are the exceptions. Why complain that men only do OD for sex, then put out on the first date? If this sounds Victorian, can't be helped. Making a man wait gives you both a chance to suss each other out and builds anticipation. It also immediately eliminates the opportunists / married men etc.

1. Don't waste months online - few emails, phone call, suss them out - then meet. You can have great online chemistry and they can tick all the boxes - but when you meet there's something not there. Happened to me a couple of times and one of the guys was amazing - but just no spark. We were both regretful about it but after 4 lovely dates we were honest that something was missing. Hugged and wished each other well.

1. Keep dates short and sweet - meet for an evening coffee. Yes it is a pain getting all dressed up for one hour, but saves being stuck at dinner with the world's most annoying guy.

1. If they cancel more than once without major reason, drop them like a stone. Ditto if they keep texting (especially flirting / sexting) without ever wanting to meet.

1. Here's the clincher - DON'T SWEAT THE SILLY STUFF. I'm talking here especially about clothes and other easily changed things. Can't believe how many people I know who went on dates with nice guys then obsessed over their shoes, their hair etc. My DH arrived at our first date wearing THE UGLIEST JACKET IN HISTORY! By 6 months in, it was away to the charity shop. I was lucky - saw very fashionable friend in action when I met her then BF. He was wearing a dad jumper and trousers too short for his legs. He is now her DH and dresses like a normal human being, thanks to her patient guidance. Ditto my husband (took about a year to get rid of the worst offenders, including the anorak and the schoolboy shoes :o).

1. Be prepared to expand your search area an extra few miles - it's amazing who appears in your search list for the sake of 20 miles.

This is my longest ever MN post but trust me, I had plenty of OD experience. Good luck in your search!

ps: if you just want a shag, ignore all this and pick the juiciest one you can find. I had a few 'friends with benefits' offers and with one was really tempted

Aww Im glad you have found 'The One' even though he dances like a chicken haha!
Ok so I have a list too. I wonder if I will find two let alone 5 of my list of plenty lol! Im fussy!
So these things you wont know until a few maybe even many more dates?
Iv just joined a dating site. Might be crazy but I guess I wont know until I try right?

Always worth a try. I think you can get a great vibe off someone on a first date but you need to see how they follow through ie are they a waffler? I had a brill vibe off DH but tbh had a brill vibe even before we met.

Also, one more tip - don't be put off profiles where guys don't have photos up. If you like the sound of a profile just message and ask for a photo. DH had no photo up because of his job but sent one by email after 2 messages.

Good luck! :)

Ok thanks for the tips :)

i tried guardian soulmates for 3 months and got no dates and another site too and no dates - i got disheartened quick and spent all this money and didn't go on any dates!! so i guess OD is not for me but how else am i gonna meet anyone??

I married my Guardian Soulmate a few weeks ago ; great advice OP. Can I add one suggestion: be honest when you're writing your profile, responding to others' and once you meet. That way, you're more likely to meet someone who likes the real you, not an idealised version of yourself.

Sometimes even if you break all the rules OD can work out.....

DH and I met through OD, he was my first and only date, the date lasted for 7 hours and we ended up in bed after the second date been together 5 years, married 2 and have 7 month old DD. As it turns out he and I would've met 2 weeks later at a party anyway 6 degrees of separation and all that

But I do agree wholeheartedly with the OP, that was the attitude I'd gone into OD with, I was just very lucky and struck gold first time.

Love this thread! Makes me nostalgic for my OD experiences, when I met my lovely DP.

Great thread I had really given up after last disasterous experience you have given me food for thought thanks!.

ive changed so much in the last 2 yrs. i looked at a site id put up a profile on. id put "dont take advantage of me!" somewhere in there. like advertising id no boundaries in the past, that i feared being treated badly.
i am 42 and look younger but i fear even 52 year olds put 40 as their upper age! or am i being paranoid.

Bernadette that's certainly my experience of POF. In 95% of the profiles I have looked at, they will date 20 or 25 yrs younger but no older! At 52, but looking a bit younger (I am told) I think I am struggling. Get lots of messages from men 60 odd, but looking older. Don't know if this is just on-line, or if crosses into RL too.

Why are so many people using PoF? I don't get it, there are other sites out there, including other free sites, everyone seems to have horrendous experiences on there (even if they do find someone decent in among the chaff) an yet people keep posting about PoF experiences. Stop it now! Go elsewhere.

Rule 6? I'm sure if I came on here and said, 'if she dresses like a dogs dinner don't worry about it lads you can train her up'! I'd get slated for it and rightly so.

I don't think I could ever live by rule 6. To be honest OP you make "winning" sound like sucking up the flotsam and jetsom clogging up the dregs of the internet.

My experience with Match.Affinity was not much better, and it was expensive IMHO. Messages from men who plainly hadn't read my profile, and one memorable message from someone who had clearly dropped out of charm school...

Thank you op. Just about to dip into od for1st time and have been slightly dreading it. Looking at telegraph. Need to sort out tho a decent photo :)