How to 'win' at online dating

[OnlineDatingQueen]

This may be controversial... Have name changed.

Online dating has proved very successful for me and three friends ie we are happily married to lovely men we met online dating. We are ordinary women with decent jobs, not supermodels / mega wealthy etc.

Constantly seeing threads on MN and other sites where women are OD and having a nightmare meeting decent guys who don't just want a shag. The people who nay-say the most make (IMHO) certain key mistakes. I would therefore like to share my 'tough love' tips for online dating. Please don't feel patronised and do feel free to flame me to death. Doesn't change the fact that for me and three friends we have met and married brilliant guys who we met OD.

1. Don't expect to enjoy every date - this is crucial. I once read something where OD was compared to job hunting - it involves time investment (online), getting dressed up and feeling nervous (for dates). It is not always a comfortable experience and it is MUCH easier to stay home. No pain, no gain. I went on 20+ first dates over a 5 month period before meeting DH. At least one date a week most weeks, occasionally two.

1. DO NOT HAVE SEX ON FIRST DATE - or indeed in first month. I have read exceptions to this where it has worked out (online) but don't know of anyone personally. They are the exceptions. Why complain that men only do OD for sex, then put out on the first date? If this sounds Victorian, can't be helped. Making a man wait gives you both a chance to suss each other out and builds anticipation. It also immediately eliminates the opportunists / married men etc.

1. Don't waste months online - few emails, phone call, suss them out - then meet. You can have great online chemistry and they can tick all the boxes - but when you meet there's something not there. Happened to me a couple of times and one of the guys was amazing - but just no spark. We were both regretful about it but after 4 lovely dates we were honest that something was missing. Hugged and wished each other well.

1. Keep dates short and sweet - meet for an evening coffee. Yes it is a pain getting all dressed up for one hour, but saves being stuck at dinner with the world's most annoying guy.

1. If they cancel more than once without major reason, drop them like a stone. Ditto if they keep texting (especially flirting / sexting) without ever wanting to meet.

1. Here's the clincher - DON'T SWEAT THE SILLY STUFF. I'm talking here especially about clothes and other easily changed things. Can't believe how many people I know who went on dates with nice guys then obsessed over their shoes, their hair etc. My DH arrived at our first date wearing THE UGLIEST JACKET IN HISTORY! By 6 months in, it was away to the charity shop. I was lucky - saw very fashionable friend in action when I met her then BF. He was wearing a dad jumper and trousers too short for his legs. He is now her DH and dresses like a normal human being, thanks to her patient guidance. Ditto my husband (took about a year to get rid of the worst offenders, including the anorak and the schoolboy shoes :o).

1. Be prepared to expand your search area an extra few miles - it's amazing who appears in your search list for the sake of 20 miles.

This is my longest ever MN post but trust me, I had plenty of OD experience. Good luck in your search!

ps: if you just want a shag, ignore all this and pick the juiciest one you can find. I had a few 'friends with benefits' offers and with one was really tempted

Oddly enough I also buy most of DH's clothing these days, he hates shopping and I know what he likes/ suits him.

I tried My Single Friend (nothing), OK Cupid (yikes...only a couple of nice blokes even though I'm in London), Uniform Dating (just for a laugh really, although I'm ex-Army myself and have a job that fits in well around shift work), Guardian Soulmates (nothing) and Lovestruck.

Over the course of three months, I met around a dozen guys in person. I never got beyond the third date apart from with one guy. I was the second person he met from the site. Before we met, we got in the habit of texting daily, moved onto email and spoke a few days before we met in person. After the first date I thought he was a really nice guy and one of the 'good ones'. The second date was brief (an hour while DD was at Guides!) but I enjoyed his company. The third date passed so quickly, we always had so much to talk about...and when we kissed goodbye in the car park in the snow, I knew that this time I would be devastated if the 'can't get past the third date' rule kicked in again...but I also knew that it wouldn't, the search had ended.

Eighteen months later, we have been on holiday together three times, met each others children/parents, he has a fantastic relationship with mine and although his DD is a long way away, we have a lovely time together when we meet. He is the love of my life. We both have failed marriages and a long term relationship behind us, we are both in our 40s, but we feel like life really started the day we met.

My advice would be:
spread your net wide
be open minded
see it as an opportunity to meet new people and go to new places, anything else is a bonus
don't tolerate anything you find intolerable, you are worth more than that
don't give out too much personal information to someone you haven't met
don't mess about with messaging for weeks, meet them within around two weeks if possible
enjoy yourself :)

Some great advice.

Disagree with waiting for a kiss though. Last date I had only kissed me on the cheek (what a gentleman??!!) Lovely guy but was in two minds as to whether to go on a second date, but gave it another try. He practically jumped on me and slobbered all over me! YUK!!!

Wouldn't have wasted a second date if I'd have known first time! Huge turn off!

Oooh, that was bad luck Talie :o But I didn't snog DH till third or fourth date, peck on the cheek first two for sure.

You might have been able to work on his snogging technique you know - my friend (not an OD) swears she had to teach her DH how to kiss :)

I found that I need a very thick skin. On Soulmates you get a notification of how many people have read your profile and some days I feel quite rejected by the number of views I get against the number of "likes" or "messages."

I agree with op's tips. I met my dp on pof and he's my world now. We kissed on the first date but didnt have sex for a month (my choice, which he continually stated would be whenever I felt ready/wanted to), we only sent texts for 4 days before the first date where we met in a bar for just a few hours. As for clothes, I don't remember stressing just went for staple skinny jeans, heels and top and he came straight from work in his suit! I "spoke" to several twatheads online who only wanted one thing. The good ones may be the minority online but op's tips are good'uns to sift through them!

Makes me really happy when I read all these happy stories about people meeting lovely people OD :o

It can work, online daters - keep the faith! :)

Er, awkward/potential stupid question... but kindly bear with me...

Having been in an abusive relationship for the last 10+ years, I realise that I know NOTHING about how Normals have/start/conduct relationships.

Abusive relationships start Hell for leather, lots of attention, lots of stuff. I know this is not good, but still I kind of miss the shot in the arm it gives you.

The guy I have started seeing (meeting up next week for 3rd date) emailed for a bit, we text most days, has called me last night for a chat, so far I'm thinking this is normal. Whatever that is!

My question is, what IS a normal time table for a relationship? What ARE the expectations. 1st date was a peck on the cheek, last week it was a teeny peck on the lips. I'm Ok with that. I enjoy his company, I find him attractive, he feels the same....

What is the 3rd date thing? What I am supposed to be looking for to decide if I want to go forward? If I'm still interested in getting to know this person more?

So far I'm cultivating a friendship, with attraction/interest. Things are promising, they are moving slowly, and there are no grand gestures/overtures or statements (like the last muppet)

Am I on the right track? It all feels so different to what I've been used to (which I'm guessing is a GOOD thing!)

The simple answer is that you do whatever feels right at the time.

If you feel you are being bulldozed into anything, or there is any hint of emotional blackmail, then run.

I slept with my Dh of 20+ years on the 4th date. But, we knew each other through mutual friends, so I had some background. We'd had at least 2 dates in the company of others so I could see him with his friends and not just with me. My BF was dating one of his friends, so I had some feedback from her over what she saw/thought .

The time from date 1 to date 4 was a couple of months and we had talked by phone etc all that time. We also had a long distance relationship which might have speeded things up alittle as he asked me to stay for the weekend- no pressure and sex was NOT expected as a given. Entirely my choice.

Just trust your gut feelings .

ha ha, bless you! my point is that what feels 'right'(usual) though is what I was used to, which is dangerous!

I can see bulldozed, that is easy enough to spot, blackmail/manipulation techniques too.

I just kicked someone to the kerb for ignoring me for 3 days cos they misunderstood a text.

When he finally deigned to call me and actually SAY what he'd taken offence at, he realised he was wrong and what he had actually accused and punished me for was a hideous thing and totally unjustified, he still didn't apologise, even when I cried at the indignation that he had believed that of me. He merely adopted the I'll sweep it under the carpet and you can STFU about it.

IMO, it is a numbers game. Some people meet "the one" on a first date, others never meet anyone - so the law of averages suggests that you will probably meet someone you like enough to have a relationship with somewhere between those two extremes!

What is hard is not to get disheartened, when you date one frog after another. I think that is why the best advice is to meet fairly quickly, keep dates short (i.e a coffee or a quick drink) & don't build up your hopes. Don't pre-project onto the date you are meeting, what you are looking for in a potential partner.

I kind of agree it's a numbers game, to an extent. You do have to be prepared to just get out there and have lots of little 'dates' like coffee and the odd drink just to check guys out.

But, I don't agree that numbers alone will find you what you want. I have a female friend who is always looking for the hottest guys under 30 (she's early 30's) who say they are looking for 'fun and friendship' and is then mystified that they just have some fun and then move on. I think you have to look for people a) who are your 'type' of person or live the type of lifestyle you know you like and b) are in the right age bracket (so I would say late twenties is not the 'settling down' age). I've tried to tell her that trying to meet guys who have no history of settling down, haven't got any kids and are still playing the field won't get her what she wants, there could be a lovely single dad out there but she won't consider anyone with baggage (who after the age of 30 has absolutely no baggage?)

Sorry, forgot to add the really crucial bit that you have to be honest with yourself about what you want. If you want a relationship, then don't go for the guys who say they are looking for fun, regardless of how hot they look!

You have to dig deep & think about what it is you are looking for - not in terms of a long list of physical requirements - but in terms of what kind of emotional connection you are hoping to make with the dates you are planning on meeting.

Then, when you meet them you have to be realistic about what you think they can offer. Sometimes, there is just no spark, but sometimes dates will send out mixed signals because they think that you'll sleep with them, because you are confusing physical intimacy with emotional connection.

I think you have to accept that it's a learning curve- and more so as you have a history of abusive relationships.

Maybe you have to think of it as a bit of meeting friends as well? My brother does OD and has made 1 really good friend- they both agreed they weren't each other's types for a romantic encounter but are now good "mates"- look after each other's pets when on hols etc- that kind of stuff. And all men have friends- so you might simply meet more people.

My second ever post... and it would be about OD!

I would benifit from a thread for Men. I dont have any luck with OD. It feels like a big investment of time and energy with very few responses... I feel judged on a photo.

my tuppence... as someone said earlier, not all men in their 30's with children are bad at relationships, I was totally devoted, but the grass was greener somewhere else.

I am not looking for sex either, but lots of men are when OD, so how do you work out me from someone else? I feel chuffed when i get a reply to a message, even if it is a 'thanks, but no thanks'!

I have just joined loveandfriends, encouraged by this thread to keep trying.

Anyone been on this one? It's new to me

I tried L&F. Didn't work for me, too small a pond, but you never know .

There is meant to be a dating "timeline" internet dating wise, but unless you're 25 (or 45) and gagging for it , best to ignore this, and really just get to know them and have a laugh and see what they think about things.

Its better to do this BEFORE you sleep with them and you get stuck with the sex-drug . Prize yourself, always think there are plenty more fish (though obviously not ON PoF where they're nearly all sprats); and take your time to see if Mr X is worthy of you.

I seem to be coming across puddles rather than ponds. Being gay and old don't help

Or Mrs X. Gay section may indeed be a tiny puddle on that site .

I couldn't agree more OP.

I met my soon to be DH on match (although not uk). I had been OD off and on for 3 years, albeit with some big gaps in the middle.

I had probably 15 dates in total, saw a nice guy for a couple of months, had about a years' break and then STBDH was my first date when I re-joined.

We didn't spend tons of time messaging each other, just enough to establish an interest and then we met up. Probably have to disagree with point 2 though, we had sex on the 3rd date

We've now been together a year, are getting married in July, and expecting DC1 in December (we're both quite impatient )

Well this brings hope I guess :)

There is definitely hope with it :) Persistence, persistence, persistence and do take a break for a couple of weeks if it gets a bit boring / annoying.

One more thing I found really helpful was how to 'spot' the one. I read this and it helped me ruthlessly move on from guys who were nice but not quite right (like my ex pre-DH). It also helped me feel confident that my DH really was my 'one'.

The idea is we all have 'things we like' in a potential guy / girl but we also have deal-breakers - the non-negotiables. These are the things you can't compromise on because if you do things are doomed (trust me, I speak from experience).

Anyway, it works as follows:

1. Write a list of EVERYTHING you want in a guy - can be a hundred things from, 'wears groovy shoes' to 'adventurous' to 'affectionate' to 'likes travelling'.

1. THEN go through and pick out the FIVE things you can't live without. Be utterly ruthless. There are desirable traits and there are essentials. Limiting the number means you have to think about what's really important to you.

1. My list ended up with seven which I could not do without - remember, your ideal man has to have all of these things so the more criteria you have, the harder it will be to find the perfect guy.

1. When you date, keep this at the back of your mind. If you like someone enough to get to second / third date you start thinking about these things. So of my seven deal breakers a guy might have five - pretty good, right? NO!!! Not good enough! Not that he isn't 'good enough' in some weird, judgemental way, just that we will never be really compatible because these are the things I can't live without. (Happened with ex, we limped along for two years, never quite worked and I felt so guilty because he was a great guy and I ended up being horrible at times because of the 'conflicted' feelings. He had five of my seven deal-breakers and I suspect I was missing a couple of his too).

Hope this is useful for someone, anyone!

Ok you are a bit of a pro arnt you queen? :)
Gosh thats alot of pressure! 7? or even 5 surely thats impossible?
Could you share your 7 with me? Us? Please :)

Pro Basketball player, size 9 feet, twiddly moustache...

Nah, just kidding! :-D I actually dug out my little 'journal / notebook' earlier after writing that last post.

I can tell you, some of the ones that were 'desirable not deal-breaker' include: Reads, enjoys travel, likes cats AND dogs, creative, 'handy'. Also intelligent - which surprised me because always thought it was mega-important - but then realised I actually wanted...

1. Fascinates me and challenges me (realised some guys are intelliegent but dull)
2. Loving / caring
3. Makes me laugh
4. Passionate (about 'the sex') :o
5. Committed / faithful
6. Sociable - has own friends and interests.

That's actually six but some of them are doubles :) (Am pleased to say my DH is better at maths than me :o

I'm pleased to report that also DH ticked all boxes on desirable list, bar: likes arty films (they bore him) and good dancer (he dances like a chicken).

Of all the words I could have spelled wrong, it had to be 'intelligent'

:o