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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

sex while asleep

734 replies

silver999 · 05/05/2012 22:18

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

OP posts:
BIWItheBold · 10/05/2012 13:05

Stacey - please read the whole thread. This is a hugely sensitive issue, and a lot has been written/the thread has moved on since the OP.

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:08

what BIWI said.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 10/05/2012 13:08

sorry but the thread is long and i don't have time, i just put in and option for the OP.

Portofino · 10/05/2012 13:08

But Jinx, if she did drink too much (God forbid teenagers always do as they are told) and something happened to her, would you then consider she was to blame?

Portofino · 10/05/2012 13:09

x posts with Oracle

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:11

stacey, in that case, would you mind if I reported your post and asked HQ to remove it? its just that the thread has moved on so much and it is such a sensitive issue.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 10/05/2012 13:14

i have no reason to see why my post is worth reporting, as i am answering the Original post, and not commenting on the arguement/discussion that has ensued. If it is now against rules to offer and alternative/opinion to an OP without reading a long thread go ahead!

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:16

Im being nice here, of course its not against the rules, and I appreciate that the thread is long. but if I had written your post and posters had made comments that the thread had moved on and my post in the middle came across as inappropriate I would report and ask MNHQ to withdraw it. theres no need to be so defensive.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 10/05/2012 13:20

thing is, i do not see it as inappropriateI i haven't read the whole thread, no, but have skim read bits and bobs, i said it may be irrelevant to the OP situation but was replying for them, not for the people who are having and ensuing arguement. I feel the relevance of the post should be left for the OP himself to decide.

I will not be reporting the post, as i said, if you feel the need and think you have grounds, go ahead.

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:21

fair enough.

Jinx1906 · 10/05/2012 13:32

Cailin,

To answer your question as well as I can based on what you wrote;

If you said No or if the act was something that is out of character with your normal sex life than I would agree that it was rape.

But ... boundaries between couples in a relationship vary greatly and what is acceptable to one couple may not be acceptable to another. Depending on where the boundaries in a relationship are and in relationships where people play "games" it may not be rape, unless one party clearly says NO or makes it clear in a way their partner can understand that they are not happy with what is happening to them. I think this is where consent is not always straight forward. (ducks to avoid the handbags).

runningforthebusinheels · 10/05/2012 13:36

Yes, Jinx, your posts are becoming quite offensive now.

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:38

so no has to be said for consent to have not been given?

Jinx1906 · 10/05/2012 13:40

Portofino,

I think I would spend too much time worrying about trying to make sure she got the care and tlc she needs to try to come to terms with what has happened to her and pick up the pieces rather than to apportion blame I would leave that to the authorities.

WhitegoldWielder · 10/05/2012 13:40

So Jinx - how can one party make it clear to the other that they are 'not happy' if they are asleep, unconscious, drunk or drugged?

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:41

I think I would spend too much time worrying about trying to make sure she got the care and tlc she needs to try to come to terms with what has happened to her and pick up the pieces rather than to apportion blame I would leave that to the authorities.

words fail.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/05/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinx1906 · 10/05/2012 13:46

Whitegold,

What if they are both drunk, drugged etc and neither can remember if they had given consent..

Oracle, I don't think it is unreasonable for two people who are intimate with each other to have some sort of communication going on between them.

WhitegoldWielder · 10/05/2012 13:49

Answering a question with a question? Answer mine first and I'll answer yours.

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:51

Jinx, I cant tell if you are being purposefully obtuse or you genuinely dont get it.

communication, yes. but you should not have to say "no" to avoid being penetrated while asleep. I have never had to tell DH "I dont like men having sex with me while I am asleep" because he respects me too much to have sex with me while i am asleep. its really not rocket science.

the answer is no, until consent is given. and just because you did it once doesnt mean you want to do it again.

BIWItheBold · 10/05/2012 13:52

Oh yes! Communication! What a fabulous idea. But how to communicate with someone when they are asleep?

Why are you doing this, Jinx? Why are you perpetuating a rape myth?

runningforthebusinheels · 10/05/2012 13:55

Drunkenness of either person is no defence for rape Jinx.

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:56

maybe we should all sit down and specifically tell our partners what we do and dont like, what is acceptable. I bet the OP had never thought that her DP would have sex with her while asleep, nor did Cailin. should they second guess potential scenarios?

OracleInaCoracle · 10/05/2012 13:57

Jinx hasnt answered my question either.

Puffinsaresmall · 10/05/2012 14:00

Jinx - please read through the Rape Myths posted above ^ I think this thread will have done something really good for you and your dc if you read them and think about them.

My parents had/have the same views as you on rape and that is why I did not tell anyone what happened to me as a 16 year old virgin. I was very very drunk, in a place I wasn't supposed to be (the pub), and got taken outside and raped by a 23 year old. I didn't report it. I also didn't scream or say no particularly. To be honest I didn't know what he was doing Blush I remember him lying me down on cold concrete outside, behind a shop, and I remember pain, but I had no idea what was going on.

I couldn't tell my parents because I shouldn't have been there/I should have screamed/I was drunk/I didn't say no etc etc etc. Your dc might need you one day to have read and understood those rape myths.