sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

Great posts stewie

Larry
You posted this earlier:

If you believed at the time that you were consenting and gave no indication otherwise, then you have consented. If one wants a clean definition of rape, then it is hard to beat the current legal one: for it not to be rape the perpetrator has to REASONABLY believe that consent has been granted. There has to be a mens rea for it to be a crime.

Bad sex, sex regretted ex post facto etc is NOT rape.

This is a Rape Myth

MYTH: Women often lie about rape, and police officers and jurors should bear this in mind
REALITY: There is no research evidence that false allegations are more common than for many other crimes.
Home Office research indicates that between 3-8% of initial allegations are false, but that the lower figure is likely to be most accurate.(6)
Far from being widespread, malicious accusations are rare. A much greater problem in the criminal justice system is the under-reporting of rape - the government estimates that 89% of rapes are never reported to the police at all.(7)
In addition, only 5.3% of rapes reported to the police end in a conviction for rape - the lowest rate of any country in Europe, except for Ireland.(8)

Equally, except for very extreme circumstances, people have to take responsibility to make clear the lack of consent, either verbally or by their actions

This is a Rape Myth

MYTH: If a woman didn't struggle, wasn't injured, or didn't report immediately - she wasn't raped
REALITY: Victims may cooperate with the rapist to save their lives; or they may be paralysed by fear. Following rape, many victims experience shock; this can make them seem 'unnaturally calm'.

I think for anyone to reasonably believe that some else consented to sex, it is pretty obvious that consciousness on both parts is a must. If you are asleep you are not conscious and can't give consent; if you are fall down drunk or drugged you can't consent. The other person could not reasonable think you had consented, either. The only people it serves to argue otherwise are rapists.

Consent is not continuous. I can share my lunch with my colleagues at work everyday, but that wouldn't mean that they could help themselves to my lunch without asking. It is really that simple and quite frankly, basic manners in all human relations. People who bang on about consent being difficult to ascertain or define usually have an agenda rather like Larry's : justifying rape. That's why they get called rape apologists.

I would really recommend that anyone reading this thread read the link I posted before. It shows how clearly serial rapists exploit rape myths to get away with rape after rape. They will carry on doing so unless we squash these myths stone dead and their behaviour will no longer be tolerated, justified or excused.

I take it as a compliment that I am just so damn sexy he cannot get enough

Really? I wouldn't feel very sexy if my husband wanted me to be practically comatose during sex, I'd be flipping worried. My husband has several ways of making me feel sexy * showing me he can't get enough of me & not one of them involves shagging me when I am asleep!

Aside from anything else, he likes me to be a willing participant.

with respect to silver999, who was the original op, do we think it is time to stop posting on this thread now.He has been through enough already, and has not posted since midnight monday morning.
He may well be reading all these comments, and finding them helpful, but it is thursday now, and unless he says continue, it may well be respectful to stop.

Last post on the subject:

All my posts have supported where the UK law is now with respect to rape. WRT this thread, I have said that what was done to the OP was, in law, rape. None of my posts have supported anyone who wants to have sex with another person without consent, either explicit or implicit. Neither have they advocated rudeness or lack of respect in any sexual encounter, although I have tried to separate inconsiderate/rude and criminal behaviour. I have tried to be sensitive in my postings and to clarify any post that might have been misconstrued. I have been supported in my posts by at least one other female poster.

In return a relatively small cabal of posters have attacked me, calling me creepy, a bully (which I find humorous because bullying is normally many against one, not one against many) and that I am guilty of hate speech. I understand that many who post extreme views repetitively on this subject have been scarred by bad experiences but does that allow them to take out their ire on someone who probably 90% agrees with their views but won't go the last 10% because he feels it is wrong. I believe that there has to be a mens rea in all crimes and that should remain a tenet of our legal system.

MNHQ, I am really curious as to your take on this? Do you allow dissenting voices or is it OK to personally slander someone who is not 100% in accord with the vocal (minority) view?

You have been supported by one poster who has, to say the very least, some very dubious views about what construes rape.

You would do well to listen to what other posters are saying to you about your posts, rather than whining about slander.

amillionyears - I wouldn't actually worry about the OP as I think he is not what he may appear to be IYSWIM

you said that you think its ok to nag women for sex. and that you have to break down resistance.

we obviously have very slightly different takes on what is acceptable.

xpost

Oracle,

I don't want to be dragged back into this but being misrepresented is really tiresome. To once again clarify.

IMO re nagging:

Polite or intelligent: No
Abusive or criminal: No.

I have NEVER said it is OK to "break down resistance"? Please show me where I have said that? To persuade is not to "break down resistance". Have you never persuaded anyone to do anything that they were not initially enthusiastic to do? An outing with the family? An early morning run? And after doing it, they were really happy to have been persuaded? Why should sex not conform to the same model?

Again to sum up my view:

Persuasion: Yes, ok.
Coercion of any form: No, never ever OK.

Larry, you were perpetuating rape myths in your posts yesterday morning.

I refuse to get into this with you. you do not see what you have said that is wrong, that in itself is worrying, and now you are whinging about the nasty wimmin picking on you. what you describe is coercion, as much as you like to think it isnt (what man likes to think of himself as a rapist after all , not that Im saying that you are, I want to make that very clear) it is. if DH enquires about sex and I say "no, i dont feel like it" that is the end of the subject. to push it any further would be to coerce, pressurise and bully. none of this will get me in the mood and it is abusive behaviour.

Larry:
nagging:
v.tr.

1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging.
2. To torment persistently, as with anxiety or pain.

v.intr.

1. To scold, complain, or find fault constantly: nagging at the children.
2. To be a constant source of anxiety or annoyance: The half-remembered quotation nagged at my mind.

How can nagging possibly be polite or intelligent?

ah, but its ok to say "have sex with me, go on, I want to have sex, go on, I fancy you so much, I really need sex, go on, "

thats sooooooooo hot

I have read most but not all so please don't shout me down if someone has already mentioned this but I do not understand how it is possible to have sex with someone who is sleeping. Yes if they are in a coma, on strong medication or otherwise intoxicated etc... but just asleep? I don't understand that if someone is just sleeping they would not wake up. I'm not saying it isn't possible I just don't understand it...

The OP also said that "I feel sad that I didn't stop it" if she/he did not indicate to his partner that he wanted her to stop then how would this be rape. If only half asleep, why not say No - I don't feel like it now let me sleep and toll over... Telling someone afterwards that he/she was a bit shocked and didn't want to is a bit late isn't it.

oh dear, and off we go again.

Oops - I meant hear hear!

Jinx, what stewie said.

Jinx - I was raped by a boyfriend in this manner. I woke up to find him taking off my clothes. At first I was so confused and sleepy that I didn't say anything, then when he started raping me I just thought "What's going on? Huh?" for another few seconds. I never gave him any indication I was participating, he just carried on doing what he was doing as if I wasn't even a person. I was so shocked by what was happening it took me a good 30 seconds to say stop and even then I had to say it three times before he actually did stop. I left the room and we broke up shortly afterwards. If you care about someone it's hard to take in that they would do something like this, let alone if you have just woken up and are not fully conscious. It could easily have happened that he managed to finish raping me before I said anything, it just happened that I woke up enough to find my voice before that happened. But even if I hadn't said anything it would still be rape.