sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

You forgot this bit Tyler:

(2)Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.

I'd say anybody who can't even be bothered to wake their partner up to check they actually want sex, can't really rely on a 'reasonable belief' in B's consent. Unless of course sleep sex is a pre-arranged and wanted feature of their relationship, in which case their partner probably wouldn't be reporting them for rape in the first place.

I think the "friend" who laughed was his gf.

having regard to all the circumstances

I think this is the crucial bit, having regard to all the circumstances. Which nobody has from the OP alone.

The OP could have said

"She's woken me up this way before and I really enjoyed it" or "She's woken me up this way before and I told her then how unacceptable it was"

I'm not saying someone can't change their mind but the background is crucial to the 'reasonable belief' aspect.

She woke him up having PIV sex without contraception, despite knowing he wished to use protection. She refused to take a MAP and laughed at him.

I think that says enough about 'reasonable belief' - she knew he didn't want a pregnancy and decided to give him no say in the matter.

I'd agree but those facts weren't in the OP, they've only been revealed later

So??

Why would you answer a thread in respect to the op alone when further clarifying information has been given ??

I do wonder if that has been the purpose of this thread/OP though ...

Because the discussion regarding whether sex with a sleeping partner is rape 100% of the time happened before the clarification occurred and had deviated somewhat from the opening post.

Why did it deviate though?

It deviated because a number of posters felt that sex without consent is okay if you'd "hopped into bed" with your attacker. Or some such balderdash.

And then some other posters made nudge-nudge comments after finding out the victim is a man. Not sure whether this was because they assume all men want all sex all the time, or they just wanted to brag about how often they do it to their partners.

It's been an illuminating thread. Not in a particularly good way.

Although it does confirm why I was so reluctant to call my husband's violence 'rape'. After all, I'd "hopped" into bed with him, and had even consented to a non-violent version of the act.

Yes, it has been a very depressing thread garlic.

I sometimes wake dh up like this, he does same to me - it's mutually enjoyable and we both know the other welcomes it - it's not always rape - it depends on the wider context.

In this case - only the OP knows how this fits into the wider picture of the relationship. As the OP is shocked and upset - then Clearly she believes there was a lack of consent.

OP do you feel able to discuss this with DH?

The OP doesn't just believe there was a lack of consent, there was a lack of consent. At no time has the OP said, if you want to put your penis inside me when I am asleep, then thats fine. She did not consent

Sorry for some reason my phone said there was Only 1 page to this thread - then when I posted my reply - it showed 11 pages and the debate moving on somewhat from the OP making my previous post irrelevant!! Sorry again.

timetochange the OP is a man

Also, you have to face up to the fact that you are both rapists if you do this to each other. At least that is the consensus on this thread.

I totally agree it depends on context, the relationship and the fact that consent is there, in the loving relationship that you have.

Sadly people are in abusive relationships and these activities under those circumstances are vile and sinister. What irks me though is people refuse to accept that things like this and anal sex can happen in a loving relationship without it being rape or sexual assault.

Lucy - If you have both agree you would like this to happen, then of course it is not rape or sexual assault. The posts I have raed, and I haven't read all of them, talk about partners assuming this would be fine without checking - that is rape/sexual assault.

Anal sex can be consensual and great, or rape just like vaginal sex.

You are wilfully misunderstanding the point being made Lucy - if you and your husband enjoy any consensual sexual practice, anything at all and you both love it, hooray! Bring out the pompoms! Congratulations! The problem is when consent isn't there. This thread is not about your relationship.

oh sorry, i don't have the approrpriate experiences to have an opinion on this i wont post again

Melodramatic enough? It's not about your experiences, it is about what happened to the OP - non-consensual sex.

Actually, for those of you saying "well I/my partner has done it and they/I liked it" it's pretty much the equivalent of where someone has started a thread to say their partner forced them to have sex despite them saying no, and then someone turning up and saying "well I enjoy sex with my partner". Would that seem like a reasonable thing to do to you?

Empusa - I already explained I misse 10 pages of this thread when I posted.

And no I disagree with your post - I was responding to the posts following the OP said sex, initiated while sleeping was always rape - it isn't always that doesn't mean it never is.

So I disagree with some posts.

That's debate for you.

If you both KNOW the other welcomes it, then obviously it is not rape. If you assume and are wrong, then it's rape. If you risk it without knowing for sure, then you are bloody lucky if your partner does turn out to welcome it, because otherwise they would be justified in getting very angry and upset. Personally I tend not to make assumptions in bed that, if wrong, would require me to be mortified and very apologetic. I just ask in advance. It's not THAT much of a buzz kill.

I love my partner a lot, but I wouldn't welcome being woken by any kind of genital contact. If he assumed I would welcome this, based on the love we share, and decided to begin contact while I was asleep, then he would have assaulted me. It's possible that I could get past it, if the ensuing conversation went the right way. But that wouldn't make it not assault! It's entirely possible to be raped by someone who loves you and who you love. Love does not equal consent and nor does sharing a bed. I honestly don't get why this is a complicated concept. The whole thing just smacks of "but I would totally do that, and I know I'm not a bad person, so I can't possibly be a rapist! Rapists are evil, not ordinary and nice like me!" That's some faulty logic right there.