sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

Are you for real WorriedBetty? he may have 'made genital contact with you in the night' - really? Makes it sound like he accidentally fell and landed with his cock inside his sleeping partner.

PENETRATING SOMEBODY'S BODY WITH YOUR PENIS AND WITHOUT THAT PERSON'S CONSENT IS RAPE

This has to be one of the most depressing threads I've ever read.

Betty, try another scenario. You go to bed with someone you trust. During sex he puts his hands round your throat. You don't like it much but decide to go with the flow. He squeezes. "Mmph!" you go, prying at his hands. He carries on squeezing and pumps away, too hard.

You survive. He's very happy. You're shaken, and sore at both ends. What happened?

Hello. We thought this might be a good moment to link to the Rape myths: busted page our Campaigns team pulled together when our "I Believe You" campaign kicked off.

Ah. Glad you mentioned that, Thistle!

Good call, Helen.

Quote: 'I wouldn't welcome being woken by any kind of genital contact. If he ..[began] contact while I was asleep, then he would have assaulted me.

sigh

I fail to see what is wrong with that - I'd feel exactly the same. If you've negotiated something different in your relationship then bully for you!

Feeling somebody up without their permission is sexual assault. Happy now?

garlic..

In your scenario I don't know what happened.

I haven't said it wasn't a fantasy I wanted to try or something I knew he wanted to try and I said I would go along with nor why I am shaken or if I wanted to feel shaken. I haven't even found out if he liked it or if he was doing it because I made him.

You seem to want me to say rape. I'm not going to say that unless there was non-consensual sex.

Oh, for God's sake. No, if someone tries a harmless variation on whatever sexual act I am already engaged in and I happen not to like it, that is not the same as INITIATING sex when I'm not even aware of what's going on. But do feel free to keep drawing false analogies and then demolishing them, if it keeps you amused.

Re Myths - I think it is important to recognise that the myths are about women and about penetration. I think this thread is about a woman having sex with a man when he was asleep - is that right?

I think that the original question is not 'please convince me I have been raped'. The question is:

1. I am not sure what happened or how I feel (what to think)
2. I'm not sure what to do (if anything)
3. My friend's reaction didn't feel helpful, but was that a reasonable response.

The questions are all about helping OP to understand THEIR view and to talk through the issues, not to have people project the most negative interpretations possible on to the situation.

There seems to be a later concern about there being a possible agenda about pregnancy. Again the OP's genuine feelings and opinions need to be understood BY THE OP. Projection of your feelings is not going to help this either.

I have tried, as have many others, to offset a person who may be and feel vulnerable, to be pushed into thinking this was a calculated rape scenario when it could have been something far less problematic, and totally handlable.

I think I am perfectly reasonable in taking the heat and anger from you who want to shout and project so that the OP can watch rather than be on the end of such hideous aggression and agenda'd thinking.

(OP sorry for having to jump out of talking to you directly to address the people who seem to want you to have a particular conclusion). Hope this bun fight hasn't put you off.

still rape
and here
just because the OP is a man, doesn't make any difference.

I can't believe the vitriol on this thread ,you know.
why do you point the finger at the OP?

even before you knew he was a man?

It defies human compassion.

leguminous. Thanks, that's exactly the point I'm making.

WorriedBetty, I have no idea what you're trying to communicate any more. Disengaging from the thread now, this is pointless.

In Canada, they have not only eliminated the word 'rape' from the legal vocabulary, but also introduced 'continuous consent'. While English law does uphold a sex partner's right to withdraw consent at any time, the Canadian one requires consent to be continuously present. This is quite a neat turn, imo, because total non-participation can't be construed as consent. If you were shocked, confused or scared you might not yell "stop" but Canadian law says that, if you weren't showing any enthusiasm, you were raped.

Obviously a couple who were quite content with one partner doing all the work could carry on as normal because there's no danger of a legal complaint. Outside of such a relationship, common decency says that anybody having sex on an unenthusiastic partner ought to stop. So it's nice to have that spelled out legally.

I was thinking about this on the bus tonight - as I used to have a much more conciliatory opinion than I do now.....If SO many women seem to think it is reasonable for a man to do this to them, it is not surprising that some men feel it totally acceptable to try. And vice versa. Maybe we need a MN campaign!

And I don't mean that in a "blaming" way....It is another socialised thing. If we accept it as normal, then we stand no chance of stopping it.