DW Doesn't 'fancy' me anymore.

[balotelli]

We have been together for 13 years and have had our problems in the bedroom area which have been discussed on this wonderful forum.
After much talking and 'soulsearching' we agreed to go to see a counsellor. During our first session my dw 'confessed' to not fancying me and not finding me sexually attractive and cant ever remember having done so. Apparently I make her feel safe and loved and that is why she is with me. she says she loves me but not in a way to want to have sex with me.
What makes it worse is that I fancy the M&S underwear off her, she is my perfect sexy woman, physically, emotionally and intellectually.

Not sure where we go from here......

Any ideas??

Are you still having counselling?

Have you got children?

Have you tried all the usual stuff like romantic breaks, shared hobbies, anything to try to recreate some zing?

if the answer is yes, then you have IMO only a few options:
*Carry on as you are with no sex together.
*Stay together but agree that you can find sex elsewhere.
*Separate

Your DW has done both of you a disservice by marrying you when she didn't feel sexual towards you. This is denying you both a sex life.

Unless you are happy ot live a sexless life then you either have to negotiate a life that offers sex with someone else atype of FWB arrangement- or divorce.

Sorry but it does't sound hopeful and I think your wife has been very cruel.

Hi, Not been privvy to your previous chat but felt I wanted to respond. As you have been candid, I hope that you will not mind me being so also.

Are you "fanciable" - I mean in a physically attractive way? If you want to muster some real live, honest and raw, basic instinct then you have to turn her head. The type of thing that that would do it for me in an otherwise happy and comfortable marriage would be;

permanent loss of beer belly
general toning that comes with a level of fitness
cleanshaven every day
good dental hygiene
smelling fresh
clothes that fit
underwear that is fit and clean every day
general stopping of random and indiscrete burps/trumps
physical affection at all times without expectaion/pressure of sex

Once you have caught her eye again then you can work on technique of how to make sex not good for her, but great for her.

It will take a while and it is a long term committment, but I can confirm that as a plan, it most definitely works

Good luck!

I didn't want this to go unanswered, but I don't have any magic wand, though. I know I would find it incredibly hurtful to hear this, as I kind of live by the delusion my husband fancies me a lot, I'm not actually sure I could cope with this.

How do you feel about her essentially saying she never felt like this? I would feel pretty angry that someone had led me to believe otherwise for thirteen years, you sound sad though:( I don't think it sounds too good, unless you can accept what she has to offer (which is to love you for your safeness, but not who you are physically).

We are still having counselling. We have 1 dc 4yr old. No childcare so no breaks but even when we didnt have dc sex was rare.
I dont want a sexless relationship but to me the alternative is unthinkable. I love both DW and DC more than life itself and couldnt bear to be separated.

LittlePushka, I kind of see where you are coming from, but basically you either fancy someone or you don't, I know it can fade a bit if someone gets a beer belly and definitely if they have personally gross hygeine, but it sounds in this situation that the partner never really saw the OP in a sexy way. And, I still fancy my husband, beer belly and all, I'd hate to try to have to impress physically beyond the usual hygenie and basic taking care of oneself.

Maybe as part of your counselling, alone maybe- at some point, you are going to have to start accepting that, if you want sex, your marriage may have to end.
Aren't you angry with your wife? it appears she married you to provide a safe cave and sperm. That's insulting.

What does she want for herself as well? she can'tbe happy unless she has no sex drive at all.

little I have tried everything. Lost 22lb and still losing, pers hygiene good. reasonably well dressed but as for the affection that is a no no as she fells under pressure every time I go near her to have a cuddle even though I go out of my way to not apply any pressure.

I'm by no means a relationship counseller and don't even know if this is good advice or whether it falls under the category of "game playing" but I remember going through a phase with my DH, before we married, at which point he became "safe" and non-sexual to me.

I was upset by this and shared it with him after growing tired of rejecting his advances and he was understandably very hurt but we didn't speak about it any further after that. He just completely withdrew from me sexually, was still as warm and affable towards me as ever but made no more sexual advances to me, never kissed/cuddled me a little too long, never gave any sign that he foun me attractive and (to begin with it was a relief as the constant groping and wheedling was very tiresome) after a while I began to miss it. Then I became determined to win him back and had a lot of fun doing so. As soon as he made himself unavailable to me sexually I couldn't resist him and luckily we have never hit the safe and boring stage again in the almost seven since.

All I'm saying is that our sex drives are odd things. It sounds like she is taking your sexual desire towards her for granted so you need to remind her that she does not own your sexuality.

I wasnt angry as I had kind of guessed but to hear that said to your face hurt a lot, a hell of a lot.
She claims to have no sex drive but also admitted, in counselling session, to 'entertaining herself' so must have some fire burning somewhere.

I am so sorry, this sounds grim.

Does your DW find anyone fanciable? Or is it as Amelia mentions, that she has no sex drive?

It is hard to say that she has deceived you. What it seems is that you have deceived yourselves.

Where next?

Very few people can make a sexless marriage work where the sexlessness is on one side only.

Honestly, my worry for your relationship would be anger and resentment setting in. If this cant be resolved would you be better to end the marriage sooner rather than later?

Actually Warren if I had a friend complaining that her dh didn't seem to fancy her I would consider asking her if she had made the effort lately. Amongst other options like is there someone else etc, obviously. It's not all one sided.

Balotelli it may be that she has a conditioned response to personal affection because it may have previously been an indication that you were "up for it" it the past. it does not have to be initmate affection,...a peck on the top of the head in the playground is about as unsexual as it could be, but that sort of thing is "safe" and it breaks the pattern.

Mumsyblouse I know that it is not all about the physical and I am sure there are millions of well loved beer bellies about . I cant help feeling that every girl has a point (however deep insideher) at which what she sees gives her that,..youknow,...feeling we get, ...and I was just trying to say to Balotelli every little helps rediscover that point after years of comfort.

Balotelli my lovely, I was not impling in any way that you were afflicted with any one of those attributes. Good luck and best wishes.

Balotelli I remember your previous thread. At least you managed to get her to counselling but sorry about the way it turned out :(

It's definitely not you; you sound nice and I think it's a real shame that if splitting up is not an option for you, you will not have that chance to meet someone who loves you and also finds you attractive.

In your last thread, you talked about your DW's unhappy childhood, and in particular her father. That's definitely very relevant and it's because of that essentially that she can't have an intimate relationship with anyone. If she's masturbating, then she does have a libido but cannot convert that into long-term intimacy with another person. She needs to work through her past with counselling. Is she going to do that?

She can't reasonably expect things to stay as they are. How does she see things for you in the future?

Hi balotelli i remember you too. Im sorry youve been so hurt by this.

(Warren, the post was about not being fancied,...which implies a lack of physical attraction. I am sure there is a great deal more to the issue than those you yourself suggest, but thank you for your invaluable and charmingly phrased insight. My insight was from the perspective of a female in the same position, and I wanted to share someting with the OP which worked for me. You yourself, on the otherhand, by your own admission do not have any advice whatsoever to give, so I struggle to see how anything I have to share fails some ethical or moral standard you have.)

I'm out. Best wishes again balotelli.

9 years ago my DP said something very similar to me. Sadly there didn't seem any way through it and over time I managed to stop myself loving him. We split up (with two DCs aged 4 and a baby).

I now have a new and lovely DP who I've been with the last two years and am about to move in with. He loves me and fancies me and I so much happier than I was.

Hoping you can work things out - don't agree that attraction is fixed forever - but if it doesn't work, the alternative is not awful and could be what you both need to be happy, and your DS too.

Little Pushka ten years ago i lost ten stone. Still didnt make my husband want to sleep with me though.

I think there are two possibilities here but neither are very palatable.

Either she's telling the truth about never feeling sexual attraction for you, or she's re-writing history because she's been seeing someone else for a very long time - pre DC.

If it's the former, there's no way back from that in a romantic relationship. It would be different if she'd said she used to fancy you but that this had waned, because with work it's possible to get that spark back. Or if she'd said that she'd never felt sexual attraction for anyone and had no libido at all, because that would be indicative of a psychosexual issue that might respond to therapy. But this? She's telling you that she married you under false pretences and has a libido, but not for you. So unless you want to stay with someone who will never feel desire for you (which will be very bad for your self respect and esteem) then I think you've got no choice other than to part. I don't think negotiating sex outside your relationship would work for you - you sound like an ethical person and someone who would find it difficult to have sex without emotional involvement. I also understand totally that you love and fancy your wife.

If it's the latter, that's actually more recoverable because lots of marriages survive an affair as long as it ends and there is complete honesty in the aftermath. Not all affairs involve genuine feelings of love but some people think they are in love or do actually fall heavily for the other person and one of the guilt coping mechanisms is sometimes to persuade oneself that the marriage was doomed from the start, even if the truth was rather different. It's also not unusual for someone to be literally incapable of fancying and feeling sexual desire for more than one person at a time. Is it possible she has been having a very longstanding affair?

Perhaps you'll have to rely on your own memories here - how did she persuade you back in the day that she fancied you and was in love with you? When would you say that stopped? Was there a catalyst that you recall? Does her version of history match yours?

My honest advice is see a counsellor alone and work on your options.

This may involve detaching yourself and accepting that your life has to change.

I wonder how your wife managed to have sex at all to have your 2 children? Did she do so with gritted teeth just to conceive?

If she knew when she married you that she didn't really want you- sexually- then that was a very unkind act. Maybe she thought that in time she might grow to fancy you- and took a risk.

I agree with anotehr poster who suggested you might get more response if you back off and allow her to think that you might have to end this marriage- and see how she reacts then. At the moment all the power is with her- she needs to realise that you have feelings and choices about your future.

I'm also in a sexless marriage. I've been trying to work out for months (maybe years?) what I can do to make her find me more attractive, so interested to see the comments on here. The thing is, out of LittlePushka's list I think I do pretty well on all counts apart from shaving every day. Certainly I'm sure I have a far better body than most men in their 40s (probably most in their 30s or 20s - I'm being too vain here aren't I? ) - though having always lacked a bit of confidence, I don't know that I ever feel especially attractive (DW's lack of interest doesn't help). I am busy trying to be affectionate a lot - and there's certainly no expectation that it is ever likely to lead to sex - but like balotelli I'm not entirely sure she always appreciates it (though she has been reciprocating to some extent, and even sometimes giving me a little kiss or cuddle). Haven't ever found it easy attracting girls, so do kind of wonder if there's some fundamental personal issue I'm missing...

Or maybe all that just doesn't matter or help in some cases? Any other magical ways of making a woman think a bloke is attractive?

Unfortunately my body isnt up to much. I did gain some weight back after my affair 4 and half years ago but recently i have managed to lose a stone and a half since Feb. My marriage has been sexless for 16 years. I dont know that i have the courage to undress in front of anyone else now though. I would love some affection in my life but it seems that i wont measure up. So sometimes i think im better off where i am.

After my affair ENDED 4 and half years ago. (sorry i have to rush Im on talk talk.)

MYnameisn'tfuckingwarren- you beat me to it. shameful littlepushka. Lose weight and get some sexy undies? Sheesh.....I'm sorry op but you simply can't MAKE someone fancy you. It's sad situation.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Its nice to know you care. I know that part of the problem is mine. My first Dw had numerous affairs which did fuck all for my confidence and so being told ' I dont fancy you and never have' does nothing to make me feel good about my self.
I dont feel attractive although I'm not a raving minger!! I'm not overweight (11st 8 5'7'') I have a reasonably well paid job that I love and am a generally happy optomistic person but have no confidence in myself (not surprising really)
Deep down I dont think DW really wants to change and has said she would be happy if she never had sex ever again. She knows her past is partially to blame but she doesnt think that anything can be done about it.
I know that if I want to stay in this relationship then I have to just grin and bear it and accept a sexless life. Does any one know how to do this when my hormones are screaming 'YOU WANT SEX' An affair is not an option. I would feel way too guilty and just couldnt do it.
Ho Hum, life is a bit shit isnt it?