DW Doesn't 'fancy' me anymore.

[balotelli]

We have been together for 13 years and have had our problems in the bedroom area which have been discussed on this wonderful forum.
After much talking and 'soulsearching' we agreed to go to see a counsellor. During our first session my dw 'confessed' to not fancying me and not finding me sexually attractive and cant ever remember having done so. Apparently I make her feel safe and loved and that is why she is with me. she says she loves me but not in a way to want to have sex with me.
What makes it worse is that I fancy the M&S underwear off her, she is my perfect sexy woman, physically, emotionally and intellectually.

Not sure where we go from here......

Any ideas??

I'm in a very similar position to you. I'm happy to come & hold your hand on your thread if it gets a bit feisty. I'd be really interested in what people suggest.

Balotelli, you mentioned up thread that your wife had some psychological issues relating to her childhood and father - could you elaborate at all?

That may well be the source of the problem - especially in explaining why she has chosen a partner that makes her feel "safe" (of course, every women wants to - and should - feel safe, but I think the majority would take it for granted, rather than vocalising it as being the primary driver behind the relationship...)

I presume you've discussed these things with your counsellor; what was their opinion?

I hope I'm not getting too personal here.

Hi, I'm back! Sorry long hard day at work.
Thanks to everyone for their input, I really appreciate it.
The problems that stem from her father are ones of EA. He was vile to her, never violent and no sexual abuse just constantly putting her down, undermining her confidence from a very early age. She can remember clear instances from seven years old.
We have discussed it with our counsellor and will be discussing it further. We have only had two sessions so far, another tomorrow.
A few people have said that she only married me for security and babies. Half true possibily. When we first got together she was rather anti children and did not want them at all often insisting on double contraception to be really sure on the few occassion we did dtd. It wasnt until 8 years into our marriage that she decided that she did want kids but due to my 'supersperm' we didnt have to try hard, in fact only once!!!
SHe is definately not having an affair. She is the most trustworthy person on the planet.
Having split from first W and knowing what that did to my mental state I would rather learn to put up with a sexless relationship.
We are working hard on sorting this out. and for the first time in a long time I feel there just may be a way forward.
To all the others suffering similar problems I hope you too can find the help and comfort you need either here or in RL.
Thanks again.

So has she always had an antipathy to sex - if there were only a few occasions pre Dcs that you had sex it sounds like it. Basically it's not you, it's her.

Very glad to hear you are feeling a little more positive tonight. Personally I think there are much worse things than a sexless relationship... anyway, best of luck to you both.

summer i dont think thats a helpful comment. Very dismissive and belittiling IMO

Batotelli

First, well done for having the courage to post on here and I do hope things sort out for you.

I am posting my own experience on the offchance that something I say might be helpful.

I am in a similar situation, but I am the wife. I have never said the words your wife used, but if pushed by a councillor I might do, and from a certain angle they would be true.

The thing is, these things aren't simple.

I have my ishoos, same as the rest of the world. As another woman with a problematic father, sex can get all screwed up for us (pun intended :)).

It would be overly simplistic to say that 'I don't fancy my husband'. A more truthful version would be 'I feel unable to act out my sexual fantasies with my husband'.

The reasons a woman does not see her husband as sexual, or does not wish to see him as sexual, can be varied and complicated. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment can play a part. My husband is a nice guy. He would never treat me badly or force me to do anything. But my childhood experiences did not lead me to expect this sort of thing from a sexual partner. The safe guy...is not the sex guy. This is not his fault. It's not my fault either, but the problem is with me, not with him.

It sounds as though your wife does have a sex drive. Most people do. For some reason she is blocked from expressing her sexual feelings with you. This is very unlikely to be about your physical appearance, and much more likely to be about her in some way.

Take heart. If your wife has the courage to explore these things in therapy, and you have the patience to stay with her, there could be a happy ending for you both.

Aw balotelli, I think last time you posted you had a different username?

DH and I do have sex, but not as frequently as he would like. Probably twice a month. He finds it difficult, I know. I don't have any great knowledge or insight into these sort of difficulties but what I can say is that the greatest issue for me is feeling that he wants sex, rather than he wants me. This makes no sense to him (I have said it to him in these words), but at the end of a busy week when we have had very little non-sexual physical contact, I feel vaguely resentful when he wants to have sex. Almost as though it has nothing to do with me. Whereas when he has kissed me goodbye before work, put an arm round me, given me a hug - after a week like this I feel much more "in the mood".

Maybe this sounds like game playing, I don't know. I could do more to make sure we have that contact, I know that too. I definitely have a lower libido than he does.

I'm not sure how much use this is to you though, as I would never tell him that i don't find him attractive, because I do (though kind of in an abstract way) and because I don't see how our marriage could carry on if I did. Whereas your wife has and I'm sorry because that must be really hard.

(And yes, the usual suspects, for us it's not to do with him being entitled, controlling, or not doing the housework, it's just that we've been together a long time and I can manage quite happily without much sex, but he can't.)

Is your wife using hormonal contraception? That can affect a woman's sex drive?

Sorry, have now taken the time to read more of this thread - may be that issues are more deep rooted. Hope things work out for you both.

she decided that she did want kids but due to my 'supersperm' we didnt have to try hard, in fact only once!!!

I don't think you're the first other person I've seen making a similar comment on a thread relating to a low sex marriage, and we also had that experience - not once, but twice (hence how we have 2 kids, despite me only having provided her with the required bits of DNA twice since she came off the pill). Sadly I don't think it's anything to do with your superior fertility (or mine), but relates to the low sex drive of our partners, and that in some way they're only interested when they "come on heat". At least I've become convinced that's the case for my DW - and possibly related to her sex drive decreasing when she was on the pill (I don't know if the same issues apply to the coil she currently has - though after over a year we still haven't tested it out for effectiveness in its supposed primary role).

Sorry for dragging this thread off on a side topic - just think maybe there is some significance to the seeming "super fertility" of some low sex couples. Though I don't know what use can be made of this information (I'd love to know if a proper study has ever been done on this, or whether it's just a coincidence).

Good luck - it sounds like the counselling may do you some good, even if it doesn't get you where you'd really like to be (the jury is out at the moment in our case - though to be fair our relationship in general is a lot better than it was, I'm just not sure that I'm good enough or strong enough for that to be enough in the long term).

Yeah would agree with that. I want sex so so so much more when i am ovulating. It drives my husband crazy because i won't be in the mood that much (although we still have sex) and then i start ovulating and he can hardly get me off him. Think he feels a bit used.

carer I'm sorry if my comment came across that way - I certainly didn't mean to be dismissive or belittling - I was really responding to Balotelli's comment that "Having split from first W and knowing what that did to my mental state I would rather learn to put up with a sexless relationship."

I stand by my opinion that there are much worse things than sexless marriages, and they are discussed at great length on this board.

I stand by my opinion that there are much worse things than sexless marriages

That's true to be honest. A little look at this forum will show that even basic respect isn't present in a lot of cases...

PooPoo that's the way women are made, being mammals. We function just the same as animals; you don't see animals having animal-type discussions with each other about why they're not at it 4 times a week, they just shag when they're on heat: it's the reproduction imperative innit.
The factors that define a woman's sex drive outside ovulation time are imo sociological, psychological etc.

DadIsSad I don't think there's much unusual about a couple who are both fertile hitting the jackpot first time in or around ovulation time, no matter how much sex they're having in general. Most women know that when they're 'on heat' is the time they'll get preggers so y'know maybe your wife deliberately picked that time to shag you but I don't think there's anything unusual in the fact that you succeeded first time.

I stand by my opinion that there are much worse things than sexless marriages

Like nuclear war?

Of course there are far worse things than sexless marriages, but that doesn't make it any better when that happens to be your particular problem. Or indeed change what your options are when you're in one. Am I supposed to be happy because most of the rest of my life is pretty good and accept that's my lot?

Actually if anything I reckon it adds to my frustration to read on here some of the sh*t some women go through at the hands of their partners, and to know that those abusive partners still have an active sex life (or even more than one active sex life!) Stupid reaction I know, as I'm not even really envious of the lives those other blokes have - I'd hate to be like that.

Helltotheno - is it unusual that we hit the jackpot first time twice in a row (without any of the inconvenience of any wasted attempts in between)? I feel I have to point out that from my perspective it certainly felt a long way from hitting the jackpot the second time around, even right at the time without benefit of hindsight - I thought I had a pretty good idea at that stage how long it was likely to be before we tried again (though I suspect I was blinded to the fact that the primary driver for my DW wasn't her desire for me, and that without that incentive she might not ever be interested in trying again).

Apologies for sounding all bitter - it's hard not to feel a bit like a sperm donor.

DadIsSad it is in your power to change things but it'll probably involve you leaving your wife. I can't see what would be wrong with co-parenting.
In your current situation, you won't change things, because really it would be up to your DW to drive that. And I don't think you being affectionate helps, in fact I'd say stop being, because it's not appreciated/wanted by the sound of things.

None of us is owed a sex life. It isn't a basic need, sorry but it isn't. Food, water and sleep are. If your lack of a sex life is consuming you over everything else, it's you that needs to change that situation.

X post.

I can totally sympathise with you feeling like a sperm donor, that is such a fundamental way of being used you could be forgiven for feeling bitter.

We hit the jackpot first time both times ( though I hope there were a few times in between!!) and I know other people who have but I can't really say how common that would be.

I think I remember your earlier post.

You still sound stuck, really. The only difference now is that you've been given a "reason".

So, I agree, I think perhaps some distance and trial at seeing a counsellor on your own might help.

Dadissad is it unusual that we hit the jackpot first time twice in a row (without any of the inconvenience of any wasted attempts in between)

No not really. If your only have sex at fertile times you are more likely to got pregnant than someone who is having lots of sex all at wrong times. I know i few people who rarely have sex but have become pregnant when they eventually have.

Bletchley,I think men giving kisses, hugs and talking nice to their partners, i think does help put women a lot more in the mood.
DadIsSad, I think what you feel is perfectly normal and reasonable.I do think women can underestimate how most men have a high need for a lot of sex.The m word is useful up to a point.

None of us is owed a sex life. It isn't a basic need, sorry but it isn't. Food, water and sleep are.

We may not be owed it but its pretty high up there with things that makes us happy, feel loved and wanted. Its also pretty high on things that we would feel unhappy and unfulfilled without.

This thing about 'most men have a high need for a lot of sex' is a complete myth amillionyears. Some men have higher sex drives than their female partners and some women have higher sex drives than their male partners.

Are you going to pop back to your own thread DadisSad and answer the people who've posted on it?

Haven't read whole thread but was going to suggest same as Little
Pushka - just do a checklist of your body but in particular ensure you don't have/do:

Smelly feet
Yellowed teeth/bad breath
Excess weight/snore
Eat/drink noisily
Match your clothes to hers/the occasion - not style I mean a smart/casual mismatch

If your DW is hung up on anything like that it will be grating on her after 13 years.

To me it sounds like its not actually anything to with the op but more that she just isn't into sex.