DW Doesn't 'fancy' me anymore.

[balotelli]

We have been together for 13 years and have had our problems in the bedroom area which have been discussed on this wonderful forum.
After much talking and 'soulsearching' we agreed to go to see a counsellor. During our first session my dw 'confessed' to not fancying me and not finding me sexually attractive and cant ever remember having done so. Apparently I make her feel safe and loved and that is why she is with me. she says she loves me but not in a way to want to have sex with me.
What makes it worse is that I fancy the M&S underwear off her, she is my perfect sexy woman, physically, emotionally and intellectually.

Not sure where we go from here......

Any ideas??

Do you absolutely have to stay? I only ask because in my opinion DHs first wife married him because he's nice and reliable. He really struggled in leaving but is now so much happier with me, a woman who is with him because I fancy the pants off him.

He's also a better father because he isn't simmering with resentment and the kids are growing up seeing healthy relationships (the ex has a new partner as well).

Is it possible that you both ignored the writing on the wall when you married?

You see, you were lacking in confidence after your 1st marriage broke up and maybe ignored the signs that the sex wasn't good, and your wife wanted babies and a home.

Heads in the sand?

Do you really think it is possible to live your next 40 years or whatever celibate?
If yes, fine.

I doubt if your wife wants that. She does have sexual feelings- she masturbates- but not for you.

I'm sorry but I think you have to slowly come to terms with you r loss.

Losing part of your relationship is like grief- you feel disbelief, then anger, then sadness, then you start recovering.

I don't think you could live like this forever and you will both end up destroying each other.

You're going to have to think the unthinkable-which is divorcing. But I still say work through this with a counsellor on your own.

Just wanted to say this sounds a awful situation. I think sadly your wife married you for different reasons that you married her. Nothing to add really it sounds as if you either continue and live like this or separate. For what it's wroth I couldn't I need affection from my dp and would find hearing what your wife said to you incredibly hurtful. I second seeing a counsellor on your own to discuss you and your options. Best of luck

1. She could be having an affair. This usually kills libido for one's DH.

1. She could have had an affair in the past and be trying to move on from it, but has had her libido killed.

(Both of these options involve rewriting the marriage so that one "never" fancied the DH).

1. You may have always been sexually incompatible for one reason or another and she's been too reserved or inhibited to talk to you about it, and it's now become a deal-breaker.

Solving it: if you want to stay together, and you want to have sex, EITHER you work on the sex together, she agrees to an open relationship of some kind, you put up with no sex forever, or you split up.

I would try to go for the first option, but she's got to play ball - and tell you frankly what's wrong with your sex life - and if she really doesn't want to, you can't make her. Sorry. If she's unwilling, I'm afraid I don't see a happy ending for this.

And, if I can risk a personal anecdote that may have nothing to do with your situation, one of the real killers in my relationship with XH was our sex life. Combined with his controlling personality it made for a lethal cocktail, but it sounds like you're a lovely guy.

Basically, XH was very inexperienced when we married and because a) it was all about him and b) I was very inhibited and also inexperienced, he was very clumsy and after a few years stopped trying to pleasure me altogether because it would take too long. He also rarely washed sufficiently, so sex (and especially oral) was deeply unpleasant. I started to recoil from any advance that even hinted at sex.

But then I too was at fault because I never told him any of these things.

It doesn't sound like this is your issue though.

Don I have to disagree with a few points you made. First, affairs often ignite passion all round- some men and women want more sex with their partners either due to higher libido, or trying to overcome guilt.

I don't think thre is any evidence at all that the Op's wife is having or had an affair.

You can't work on sexual chemistry- it's a bit like saying that if you hate eggs, somehow talking about eating eggs and trying to eat lots of eggs will suddenly make you like them!

Sexual attraction is chemistry- it's either there or it's not.

As others have said- if it was there to begin with and the toll of children or lack of emotional intimacy were a factor- fair enough- talking and behavioural changes might work, but that's not the case.

Just for clarity, I don't think anyone on here is advocating the OP has an affair. An open marriage is something different - no secrets or lies - an arrangement that works for both partners, with agreed rules. It certainly doesn't work for everyone though.

Poor you, that must have really hurt!

But if your wife would be happy to never have sex again then the problem isn't that she doesn't fancy you but more that she doesn't have much of a sex drive.

Actually that was rather mean of her to say that. Its almost like she was passing the blame onto you, YOU are not attractive enough, rather than confronting the fact that she's just not into sex.

That's to do with her not you, because it doesn't matter how much i didn't fancy a particular ex of mine i still had needs!

I don't think grovelling is attractive in either sex. Confidence breeds attractiveness and it is amazing how many objectively plain people are considered highly attractive due to merely projecting a confident image and being interested and interesting. The above has to be somewhat qualified as being "within reason". Clearly, if someone puts on (or loses, "social X rays are unattractive too") an immense amount of weight and that is not attractive to their partner, it can be offputting, or if they smell. However, it is very sad how many people do not have confidence in their own attractiveness.

I think the best advice is to find a place where you feel happy and confident in yourself. Do well at your job, get some hobbies and interests, maybe go out by yourself and flirt a bit (harmless flirting, not infidelity). When you are coming from a position of confidence, rather than need, I suspect your wife will suddenly become far more interested in you.

Sex drives are such funny things. Firstly I'm not sure if she fancies other people and sex with them (even famous people) or whether its just a general total lack of interest. If its the latter then blood tests might be an idea to rule out thyroid and pituitary problems - I've suffered with both and they can turn you off it like nothing else. Testosterone injections can also help.

However, I do think everyone goes through sex droughts in life. These can last years, months. Or maybe that's just me I don't know. All I know is that I've had times of wanting it twice a day every day for ages and then suddenly its like a switch and I would be happy never to have it ever again (experienced with same partner). I don't know why this is. I do agree that sometimes making yourself sexually unavailable to the other person can invoke a desire in them to "win you back" even if its from a point of panic to rekindle things before it goes too far.

Ultimately I think if the rest of the relationship is good then its worth making your right hand your best friend for the foreseeable future and see how it pans out. You'll soon see if she's not interested in sex at all or whether its just sex with you.

I find it really odd that people always seem to assume someone is having an affair if they go off sex - I've gone off sex for the last few weeks, dh is bewildered and fed up (he hasn't said so but we normally have a lot of sex so I know he's finding it a bit weird) but I just don't fancy sex at all! Would much rather just go to sleep or do something else. Have no desire or interest. Don't want an affair. Just feeling very a-sexual. I also completely go off physical contact, don't want hugs or touching. But it does tend to pass.

Hope things improve for you. I also don't think its about clean pants and maintaining sexiness - when I go through periods like this there's literally nothing dh can do. He could be there in the best pants in the world etc etc etc and I'd still rather sleep. Life sucks sometimes.

My dh's ex wife had affairs and it completely destroyed his confidence - he literally became a shell of his former self. At the same time she would not want sex due to being unfaithful to her current affair partner. It then became a vicious cycle, the less confidence he had the less effort she put in and the more it justified her affairs.

Fortunately he went to counselling and worked through the issues that made him tolerate her behaviour and we met afterwards. Confidence in a partner is attractive and I wonder if the OP's wife feels she holds the balance of power in the relationship. She knows that she can dictate terms of their relationship and it's unlikely he will do anything about it. Dh's ex was certain DH would never leave..until he did.

I think counselling for yourself balotelli should be your priority - it might help to work through why you can tolerate such behaviours from partners. DH was modelling his parents relationship (highly aggressive & dominant mum and very passive dad) he had to learn to break that link and establish relationships that were equal.

I was also shocked to see comments that somehow this was about the op's physical appearance...no one would suggest that a woman should lose weigh if her husband wasn't interested in sex.

OP LarryGrylls post is very relevant. Grovelling is not attractive in either sex. If you're not going to separate amicably (which may work out a lot better long-term than you think), you need to de-focus completely from the sex/lack of sex issue and start working on your own confidence. Take up something outside work that will give you a goal to work towards, something that will help you develop new skills, bring you into contact with lots of new people, enable you to take responsibility and be respected... What about a startup charity initiative or a triathlon club? Coming from a position of confidence rather than need as larry said, is key.

Unfortunately you met exactly the wrong type of person after your last relationship: instead of someone who could have helped build your confidence, you're with someone who shattered your self-esteem even more because she has too many of her own undealt with issues.

Imo your wife is not having an affair. She's already said she'd be quite happy never to have sex again. She got what she wanted, kids and a hubby and a stable life.

Loony I think you are muddling lack of libido and lack of chemistry. Even if the OP makes himself he most interesting person in the world, it's unlikely his wife will change.

You either fancy someone rotten or you don't. You can't engineer it although you can perhaps reignite it if it's temporarily died.

In this case she says she never fancied him so I really don't see how that is ever going to change.

Even if the OP makes himself he most interesting person in the world

He should do this for himself in the first instance amelia. He needs to work on building his own confidence and self-esteem which will more than likely lead to his own perceptions about the current relationship changing, and maybe lead to him challenging the 'boundaries' he had previously set, eg 'Leaving her is not an option', 'I couldn't live without her' etc.

Regarding the situation currently, it will not change. She's said what she said. You can lead a horse to water etc....

Dude, don't rule out leaving. Life is short, and over time your wife's indifference will grind you in to the floor. You can still be an excellent father and a good friend to your wife, but you'd have the option of meeting a partner who wants you. All of you. You don't have to settle.

I agree with not ruling out splitting. I can imagine going the rest of my life without sex.

I'd go to the doctor if I were you.

Heltotheno but I just think it's a bit insulting to the OP to infer that he is not interesting already!

He may have lots of interests and be a great guy.
Yes, he has a lack of confidence perhaps with women, but that's something else.

Dear balotelli, can I be very personal and ask do you do things like just hug her without talking or pressuring her in any way.I am assuming you have tried being very gentle with her over the years and this has not worked? She seems very delicate and fragile.
The other option of withdrawing from her sexually temporarily, have you done that before? It may jolt her to look at you in a different light.
I would have thought it is possible that she cant remember fancying you or finding you sexually attractive without it necessarily being true.

awwwwww I just really want to hug you, and mark my place tbh, I don't have any useful info but I hope that some way you guys will be able to work things out.

I meant for blood tests, not counselling.

Hi, OP. I am so sorry. My husband has zero interest in that side of things and it hurts like hell.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to sympathise. I know what it's like. I promise you that everything you've thought - I've thought too.

Your wife may be asexual. My husband is. If that's something that the two of you would like to look at, then there are some resources I could point you towards. There is a very supportive forum full of people who are dealing with this.

I personally find confident blokes attractive, and they also have to have a gsoh, of course personal hygiene is nessesary, not the arrogant kind of confident though just enough to be charming and a little romance goes a long way with me too btw. :)

So you're not fussy then GossipWitch eh?