DW Doesn't 'fancy' me anymore.

[balotelli]

We have been together for 13 years and have had our problems in the bedroom area which have been discussed on this wonderful forum.
After much talking and 'soulsearching' we agreed to go to see a counsellor. During our first session my dw 'confessed' to not fancying me and not finding me sexually attractive and cant ever remember having done so. Apparently I make her feel safe and loved and that is why she is with me. she says she loves me but not in a way to want to have sex with me.
What makes it worse is that I fancy the M&S underwear off her, she is my perfect sexy woman, physically, emotionally and intellectually.

Not sure where we go from here......

Any ideas??

Charbon, you dont speak to many men do you!
And yes it is true that some women have higher sex drives then men.
I will have a look at the DadisSad thread and let balotelli have his own thread.

You should read the whole thread EmmaCate

I do think women can underestimate how most men have a high need for a lot of sex.

Women don't have to own a man's want for sex - let's get that straight, it's a want, not a need and nobody should have someone else's 'high sex drive' held over his/her head. As charbon said, some men have high sex drives, some don't, same with women.

For the OP and other guys in the same position, its not about that, it's about mismatched sex drives, their wives' unwillingness to do anything to solve the problem and the men wanting to stay faithful and not leave their partners.

Amillionyears I do speak to lots of men, but to be fair they tend to be intelligent sorts who understand that men are socialised to believe they should always be up for sex and that it's got fuck all to do with biology, nature or 'need'.

And my comment about the DadisSad thread was to DadisSad himself, not you.

Sorry to read this OP. What does she think is the way forward. Now she must accept that the status quo needs to change?

Charbon, with respect I disagree.I do wonder whether there is a difference in the men sex needs of office workers versus manual workers.We may be going off thread here.I may start another thread myself.

Sorry about this OP. I have been in the same situation for over a year now. I have tried everthing I can but DP refusees to talk about it - he completely stonewalls me when I try and raise it, says he feels unmanly etc. So we can never address it. He won't consider counselling.

He is oddly enough still physically affectionate - cuddly etc - but will not consider sex. Just the thought of it now seems rather ridiculous.

I am only in my mid 30s so can't imagine this is life, and to be honest it is very hard. I feel like I am a walking shadow sometimes. It is a horrible feeling.

It is pretty much over between us. I can't imagine waking up when I am 50 and still being here. I love him so much still though. But I am planning to leave in the next year or so. Living like this is incredibky stressful.

I hope the counselling will help you. However if she is saying stuff like she never fancied you in the first place - well I don't know how you can move on from that. It must be a heartbreaking thing to hear. I really wish you luck.

I do wonder whether there is a difference in the men sex needs of office workers versus manual workers.We may be going off thread here.I may start another thread myself.

Yes, do. It's bound to end well.

Dadissad where is your thread. i would like to join it.

carernotasaint, use the search facility. He started the thread yesterday i think.
GetorfMoi Land, so sorry.The book "Why women talk and Men walk.How to improve your relationship without discussing it", may be of some use to you.

Has he got some issues in his background do you think?

Apologies for neglecting questions and derailling somebody else's thread - just thought it was an interesting point which I hadn't seen discussed, and interesting to see that we're not really all that unusual in having no problem at all with fertility. I guess you see so much about the couples struggling - or even those without any fertility problems taking a while - that you get the idea that numerous attempts is the norm.

Like that, the stuff about relative levels of sex drive isn't really at all relevant to the OP's issue (or that of the rest of us, male or female who have a similar problem) - here we're talking about situations where one partner has no sex drive at all (seemingly in my case, or at least none they want to channel in the appropriate direction in balotelli's). I'm not sure I do have a high need for a lot of sex - if anything I suspect my own sex drive is below average, and I'm certainly happy to settle for less than average. The thing is, it's still a problem unless the other partner's sex drive is also non-existent - it might not be a basic need like food water and sleep, but then arguably neither is love, freedom or social interaction.

Back to my own thread I suppose (back in my box?) - good luck balotelli and GOML - really don't have anything else to add apart from a bit of shared empathy. Mine is at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1464260-Now-Im-really-confused-help - though I'm not quite sure why the interest. I will answer the questions, Charbon, though it takes a bit more thinking about (and is more uncomfortable) talking about my own specific issues in that depth, so I hope you'll excuse me for the wait.

Hi Balotelli - I remember you from your last thread & also our affection support thread. We too are having counselling & it is helping & my DH is much more attentive. This did follow me asking him to leave for a while as I'd had enough (not just about a lack of sex - about constant threats to leave & blaming me for all his problems) so that seems to have woken him up. I'm not suggesting you leave but maybe things reaching crisis point will make change happen? I'm sure you are fanciable & DW saying she's NEVER fancied you is truly awful. Why on earth did she marry you in the first place then?! I really hope the counselling helps & she realises that you deserve some affection. I know you say you'd never cheat but one day you may not be able to resist!

Another successful session today. I am so very proud of the progress my DW has made. She is doing very well and is now admitting that her past is seriously affecting her present and future.
She doesnt want to end what we have and is willing to put herself through a considerable amount of emotional pain. Her DSis suffered the same and after all this time they are working things out together as well.
For the first time in years I am actually fairly optomistic about our future. Still not dtd for several months but we are cuddling and spending more close time together and this is ok for both of us.
All I need now is for Man City to win the Prem and life will be awesome!!

Really hope it works out for you hon....
I honestly think it's a huge point in her favour that she's prepared to go through the necessary steps to improve things. Many people just wouldn't bother. Best of luck with it :)

Good news. QPR at home should be straightforward, so just need to beat Newcastle :o

Sounds like you really stand a chance with the attitude of your DW - very pleased to hear it. Happy to report that things are also a bit better for me - have got back a lot of the intimacy I thought we were losing a few days ago, and I think my DW is also prepared to try. Fingers crossed for both of us!

DadisSad Thanks. Good luck to you and your DW. A good relationship is really worth fighting for so go for it and give it everything you've got.

Newcastle away is going to be the crunch game of the season. Not going to relax at all tomorrow afternoon.

God luck posters and well done men and women for coming on here.

This is a very moving thread and my heart goes out to you all - people are compicated and we all change quite a lot as we mature I am sure counselling is one of the best bets and all the suggestions and examples here will help you to brainstorm the possibilities (that is what MN excels at!)

But now I realise that I need to have a chat to my DH as for a year I have been too tired and asleep before he comes to bed and he comes late to bed too... He is as slim and trim as ever but I have put on 2 stone since DCs and illness so your comments have made me realise that the ball is in my court here and how I must seem to my long-suffering DH - thanks guys!

That's very mature all4u & it's wonderful you can offer the olive branch. Maybe DH can come to bed earlier now & then for an evening of romance?

How's it going Balotelli? Any more progress?

Quick update...........
When I first mentioned counselling to DW she was adamant that it wouldnt work. She's had counselling before to no avail. It took a few days and several 'discussions' before she agreed to look for a counsellor
We have been very lucky in finding a very good one and it seems to have worked well so far.
We are not dtd yet but being much more affectionate and DW is working on the problems from her past that are affecting her present and future.
I am so proud of her and the progress she has made.
Although we are not there yet things are getting better and I am quite optomistic for a change.
If any one thinks counsellin doesnt work, please think again and give it a go............ you just never know.

Im really pleased for you balotelli. thats great. Wish you and Mrs all the best with future progress.

that's great!

That's great news :) Hope there'll be a happy ending....

hi balotelli. I just saw your ad and joined this site because of it! I wanted to say that I am in exactly same boat and your messages could be me writing them. Weve been married 28 years with three kids and jsut this Tuesday mornign my wife admitted that she doesnt fancy me anymore. I have been in a daze since then. I share your pain and hope things have improved for you since May

Zombie thread alert - here's hoping baloteli found a happy ending resolution, but as Pandrm has started their own thread there's no need for further input here.