New baby, DH being a prick

[Bigwoop]

Hi there, I'm just wondering if the wise mumsnetters can give me some perspective..

I have a 3 week old baby. She is our first. The birth was tough going and ended with an emergency c.

I had a bad time in hospital what with the tears and baby not feeding/sleeping. My mum, who flew down to London from scotland, stayed with us for a week. I found the emotional support very valuable.

But my (D)H has been awful about her. When she was here he would come into the bedroom, Losing his rag and shouting 'when is your fucking mother going home?'

My mum can be a bit of a fusspot and in his opinion she was lifting the baby without asking him, and he felt she was critical of his parenting. I asked him to put up with it as I needed her. I had post op and baby blues and was/is very vulnerable.

He's all consumed by our child. He would love to grow some tits and feed her too. I think he is resentful that she wants me more than him at the moment.

He doesn't like anyone else holding her.

One night when she was crying and wouldn't settle, he had such a go at me. He told me how much my 'fucking mother' got on his nerves and how she wouldn't be back. He stomped around and made me sob while I tried to latch an angry baby at 3am.

I have made it clear that he cannot interfere with mine or DD's relationship with her grandmother.

But I'm so upset that for that one fucking week, when I was postnatal and sobbing for most of the time, he couldn't put his needs last.

I appreciate that it's a massive upheaval for him too.

I feel so utterly sad and depressed. I love my baby but I feel I never really knew DH and now I'm trapped. I still love him and he can be incredibly loving and affectionate but feel he let me down when I was most in need.

I love my DM. She is all the family I have and I just can't get past how horrible he was and a significant part of my love for him has gone.

What should I do?

Your priority should be your Daughters relationship with her Father, her relationship with her Grandmother can wait.. it'll come in time. Your Husband can never get this first few weeks with his baby back and I can totally see his point.

You state that your Mother is the "only family you've got" and clearly that isn't true; you've got a husband and a Daughter now and sorry as I am to say it they need to come first.

Sorry you are feeling bad, those first weeks with a newborn are tough but it's not only tough for you.

oh shit how horrible for you.
Have you told him all this and does he realise and has he apologised???

It is a very tense time time especially if you are not being supported, how could he?

If I were you you I would explain exactly what you said in your post and then ask for an apology and some tlc and if you don't get it immediately I would go to my mums for at least a fortnight for some looking after.
YOU NEED TO BE LOOKED AFTER You are only 3 weeks post partum ffs.

Who does he think he is.

If he is any kind of partner he will come to his senses and grovel to get you back and look after you properly.

ps if he does have a 'problem' he needs to get esxpert help on his own

Stomping around and making a newborn and her mother cry in the middle of the night is not being a good father btw

Your priority should be you right now. You have just had both a baby and major surgery, you had your mother down at a time you wanted and needed her, and quite honestly your husband is being a child. How dare he pick fights with you at 3 am when you are caring for your child, that is abusive in my book. She was only there for one week. It was important to you to have your mother there and quite rightly so.

He wants to feed her, he doesn't like anyone else holding her - is he three years old? He is telling you your mother can't come back, and stomping around.... that is not an adult way to deal with any situation. That is what my toddler would do.

Take a holiday, visit your mother for two weeks, get a break from him and tell him why - you sound like emotionally you need it, and tell him to grow up and get perspective. If he can't see your pov, ask him to organise couples counselling to talk about it in front of a professional. You are not trapped, there are many people out there who do fine bringing up kids on their own, if that is what you decide to do down the line.

It is difficult, in our modern society, for men to take a back seat in these things. They are led to believe that they should be taking a very active role, feeding baby etc. when actually, your mother is probably going to be a lot more use to you in the first few weeks than a bloke. (Harsh, but true.) There are things he can do to support you that will mean he is building a good foundation for his future relationship with his daughter, but because of what "society" says, he probably can't see that.

I dont' know what the solution is, short term. Long term, if he puts the building blocks in place now, by the time she's a year old she'll be a daddy's girl and you will be the one feeling a twinge of envy when she goes to daddy for a hug instead of you.

He's being immature and unpleasant and needs to grow up, frankly, now he has a child of his own. That means supporting his wife as she nurtures the baby. Anything else is detrimental to the well-being of the baby.

Sorry you're having to see this horrible man in his true colours, wanting to dictate events. Tell him this isn't about him or what he wants at the moment. Stick up for your mu,. He has to start acting like he's part of the team or back off.

think part of the problem is that there have been so many changes all at once; the baby, your surgery and your mother virtually living with you. Where families live close by, then your mother would either go home or visit, but since she came to help you obviously you would want her to stay with you.

Yes, your DH is being difficult. He needs to realize that this is time for you and the baby and whatever gets you through the day/night. If that means him cooking/shopping/doing the laundry, then that's what he needs to do to support you. Maybe he had the idea that he would be more involved?

My husband's paternity leave(s) were mainly spent at the cricket ground, which really was OK with me as he did the shopping in the morning, and came home to make dinner. It worked for us because I mainly wanted quiet for the first few weeks.

It's so very sad that this father's love for his DD has somehow got twisted into something so damaging.

FWIW, and without in any way belittling his behaviour in that first week, I think that there is capacity here for him to improve as he adjusts to parenthood. It would be so much worse if he were one of those pricks who are jealous of their newborn and won't even try and bond.

Is he aware of how badly he behaved, and has he apologised?

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

Poor you Bigwoop.

He is behaving in a controlling way, albeit even if he doesn't mean to and is struggling to come to to terms with fatherhood himself.

There is no excuse for upsetting you at 3am, and no reason why he can't simply put up & shut up for a week (or longer) if he has strong feelings about your mum. He sounds very childish in my opinion. he clearly is not thinkiong about the massive upheaval on your body post baby, and also how you wanted your mum for the female emotional support she onbviously gives you. He cannot give you any female support and should bloody grow a pair up.

methe I think you are completely wrong on this, the baby is not 'forming relationships' yet. The baby has certain needs, mostly being met by her mum. The OP also has needs, mostly being met by her mum. The OP's DH is being a childish idiot and should be supporting both of them however he can.

"Grow up"... that was the phrase I was looking for. Thanks MissKeithLemon.

What a horrid situation!

I think Methe reply was somewhat one-sided.

your DH is behaving childishly as he is acting out his feelings very forcefully on you who are least able to cope with dealing with his problems now.

He needs to realise that if you fall apart it all falls apart. So although he may be getting jealous of your mum's contact with the baby and feeling she is criticising his parenting (rightly or wrongly) he needs to manage that himself or let off steam to his friends but should not be taking it out on you.

Even just simple things like the fact that your breastmilk won't let-down so your baby can drink if you are all tense - you have to be relaxed or it won't flow... so he is behaving in a way which is preventing his baby feeding ok - just from that one simple fact he has to calm himself down. Never mind all the myriad of risks he is running by making your trauma worse. If he pushes his wife into PND, an irritating MIL on a temporary visit will be the least of his problems!!!!

He has to recognise the good and the bad - his MIL is winding him up but she is holding his wife together - he needs to make choices about what is more important to him and act accordingly.

You have a similar issue, that your DH loves his DD but is damaging his wife ... so is he in a position to judge - No!!!! Should he find better ways to deal with the huge emotions he is experiencing - Yes!!!!

He is either spectacularly selfish and uncaring or is utterly ignorant of the issues around being a new mum and the kind of support a new mum needs.

Either way, someone needs to explain it to him fast!

Can you get a trusted friend/sister/his mum to talk to him and get him to give you room to heal and get stronger?

I would be inclined to cut him some slack. Having your mum there might be great for you but if his relationship with her is fraught I can imagine it must be horrendously stressful to try to adapt to his new life and role whilst being cooped up with someone he doesn't really like and who he feels is constantly judging him. He could feel that it is ruining a time that he was looking forward to ( and feeling scared about) in equal amounts.

I hope your mother is being very sensitive to this, she may be there at your invitation but she is still entering into the territory of someone else's family and so she needs to act appropriately and sensitively (and it sounds as if she may not be doing that).

Remember that stress can make everyone act in weird ways, if anything can be done to lessen the stress he obviously feels from your mum whilst making sure you still have the support you feel you need I'm sure things will settle down. As with most things in life it needs sensitivity, negotiation and compromise.

It is not the OPs priority at all to foster a relationship between father and daughter. It is her responsibility to look after herself and her daughter. It is his responsibility to support that (as your mother appears to have been doing). This period isn't about him. I mean what on earth was he doing ranting about your mother when you were trying to settle your baby. How was that helpful or supportive? What had your mother to do with anything at that moment?

And not wanting anyone else to pick her up is weird (and not a little controlling). He has plenty of time to bond, do things for his daughter (other than feeding her). In fact he has the rest of her life.

He's showing more than a few signs that it is all about him.

Even if OP's DH is stressed to the hilt he needs to take it out somewhere else - his stress isn't going to improve if his wife is going under is it!!!!

How is OP supposed to manage his feelings sensitively when she is struggling to manage herself.

Yes it is not surprising this is not the easiest time for him but he should get out of the house if it is that bad before he starts taking it out on his wife.

Did you discuss your mum coming to stay before hand? How did he feel about it?

He's acted like a dick but i can see why he is upset. Its his time to bond with his baby too yet your mother is always there hogging the baby and criticising his parenting. He probably has tons to learn about being a dad, just as much as you have to learn about being a mum, so i never think these situations where other family members come to stay are a good idea. Especially not when the relation is over bearing.

Dads need time to adjust and bond too. Did you really consider this or did you just think it would be nice for you to have your mum staying who you are close to?

Saying all this he hasn't handled it that well has he. Although it makes me wonder if he is so frustrated because you haven't listened to him, considered his feelings or role in the family at all which is why he has reacted like this.

His behaviour was disgusting tbh.

Was he at home & able to help & you still asked your mum & that´s what hurt him?

How does he normally get on with her?

That said, if you really needed/wanted your mum he should be able to put his feelings aside.

You said your mum can be a fusspot-did she also push him aside & take over-doing things that he could have but acting as if she had more right because you asked her to be there?

Gin My reply was one sided but only because the Op only seemed to talk about how this situation was impacting on HER, no mention of how her husband was feeing. Dads matter too.

I had to live with my MIL and FIL when my DD was discharged from hospital so I know personally how undermining it is watching someone else making decisions about your baby and how distressing it is having to share your babys firsts. If Bigwoops DH is feeling like I did then I feel sorry for him even though it does sound like he's being a bit of a knob.

PooPoo - I think it is pretty much a woman's right to have whoever the hell she wants around her in the days after she has given birth. Any sensible and loving husband would be glad of the extra back up and put his wife's requirements first, not start ranting at her at 3am.

OP - I'm sorry he's been such a dick, hopefully things will improve but I do think you should talk to him about how upset he has made you. If he is a good man at heart then he will apologise.

@Poopooinmytoes... her mother is 'hogging the baby'???? The OP isn't listening to him? The OP only considered her own needs rather than his by asking for her mother to stay after she'd given birth? Wtf???? I hate it when people make excuses for a grown man behaving like an overgrown selfish brat. He may well be resentful that his wife finds her mother more of a comfort at this time but bawling, shouting, stomping around at 3am and going on the way he is doing means he is proving exactly why the OP's mum should be there. Imagine if it was just the OP and her DH together at the moment. If it was just the pair of them he'd be finding other things to find fault with. He's an arse and he needs to grow up.

He's been really rude, but a can sympathise - imagine if it had been your mil staying, taking over and criticising you.

I realise it's different, because you needed looking after, but I do think you need to put the relationship with your immediate family - dd and dh, before that with your mother.

Try telling him explicitly what you need him to do to help you.

MissKeithlemon. "methe I think you are completely wrong on this, the baby is not 'forming relationships' yet. The baby has certain needs, mostly being met by her mum. The OP also has needs, mostly being met byher mum."

I can't believe you said that! Can you imagine if it was a relation of his (the mother in law for eg) was getting in the way of the mother bonding with her child! The baby needs to build a bond with both parents, not just the mother and they both need the space to bond with their baby. The dad is important too, its not just about the mum!

"Baby not forming relationships yet"

That is absolute garbage.

Methe I see what you are saying, but assuming you are were the Mum in your scenario that is quite a bit different as new Mums needs are emotional, physical and hormonal - his are emotional but he isn't injured, he isn't trying to relax enough at 3am to be able to let milk down etc.

Even though it is totally understandable he isn't Mr Happy right now for any number of reasons the OP is in no position to be managing him and looking at things from his point of view, when really she just needs to be putting one foot in front of the other.

She did say she appreciates the massive upheaval he is going through too so she hasn't forgotten him, she is just in desperate need for him not to lash out at her and grieving that he failed to do so at such a critical time.

How can he see her sobbing while trying to feed baby and still have the words 'your fucking mother' tripping off his lips without pause for thought.

Those are the actions of a bully - not just a frazzled new Dad.

It is fair enough for the OP to want her mum there, but if her mum is not being very sensitive to the fact that she is invading someone else's turf it will quickly make the situation pretty unbearable. There is huge sympathy on here for any new mother who finds her MIL moving in at a DH's request (in fact consensus it that DH's must man the fuck up, stop running to mummy and MIL should stay the hell away).

Of course a new mum is different but the emotional stress the situation places on her partner is still huge. He may have had images of how the three of them would manage as a new family and all that has been blown out of the water as he is relegated to a spectator in his own home. A sensitive MIL would recognise and handle that. An insensitive one would turn it into a nightmare

Everyone has a breaking point and for him new baby plus living with MIL could well be reaching his. There are better ways of dealing with it than just shrugging and saying it is his problem. If he is behaving out of character or erratically i'd be worried about breakdown/depression in the worst case, perhaps just an almighty bust up with MIL at best.