New baby, DH being a prick

[Bigwoop]

Hi there, I'm just wondering if the wise mumsnetters can give me some perspective..

I have a 3 week old baby. She is our first. The birth was tough going and ended with an emergency c.

I had a bad time in hospital what with the tears and baby not feeding/sleeping. My mum, who flew down to London from scotland, stayed with us for a week. I found the emotional support very valuable.

But my (D)H has been awful about her. When she was here he would come into the bedroom, Losing his rag and shouting 'when is your fucking mother going home?'

My mum can be a bit of a fusspot and in his opinion she was lifting the baby without asking him, and he felt she was critical of his parenting. I asked him to put up with it as I needed her. I had post op and baby blues and was/is very vulnerable.

He's all consumed by our child. He would love to grow some tits and feed her too. I think he is resentful that she wants me more than him at the moment.

He doesn't like anyone else holding her.

One night when she was crying and wouldn't settle, he had such a go at me. He told me how much my 'fucking mother' got on his nerves and how she wouldn't be back. He stomped around and made me sob while I tried to latch an angry baby at 3am.

I have made it clear that he cannot interfere with mine or DD's relationship with her grandmother.

But I'm so upset that for that one fucking week, when I was postnatal and sobbing for most of the time, he couldn't put his needs last.

I appreciate that it's a massive upheaval for him too.

I feel so utterly sad and depressed. I love my baby but I feel I never really knew DH and now I'm trapped. I still love him and he can be incredibly loving and affectionate but feel he let me down when I was most in need.

I love my DM. She is all the family I have and I just can't get past how horrible he was and a significant part of my love for him has gone.

What should I do?

Aliba. Actually no i don't think it is the woman's right to have whoever she wants there. Whatever happened to considering the mans feelings as well!? Yes she needs looking after but perhaps he wanted to do that as well as spending time with his child. The op hasn't answered my question on whether he was consulted at all regarding who came to live in their house taking over the care of his wife and baby.

I have this attitude that the man gets no say in anything. He helps create the baby and then he's just got to shut.

Yes he's acted like a massive dick and there is no excusing that but what has led up to it?

Cog. I wasn't making excuses for him as i said in my post. You say she needs her mum there because he is behaving like a dick but perhaps he's behaving like a dick because she has her mum there despite what he has said he would like.

Best not listen to him though. He's just the dad.

"The dad is important too, its not just about the mum!"

When Dad decides he is the most important person that is not acceptable. The MIL was there for just one week and he was shouting about 'your fucking mother' at 3am. He has shown himself to have no patience, no consideration, no tolerance and he is behaving so aggressively & jealously that his wife feels let down and doesn't see him the same way as before. This isn't a bit of new-dad tetchiness. It's a side to him she hasn't seen before.

Bluegrass. I agree.

When Dad decides he is the most important person that is not acceptable.

Who says he has done that! If this was a mum losing her rag because the mil was in her house for a week being over bearing everyone would be full of sympathy and lots ofs "of course you swore" and "you need space to bond with your baby", "he should have considered your feelings" etc.

gin it does sound like he has behaved badly but I don't think that means he's a bully or a nasty controlling shit or any of the other names he's be called on this thread.

He's a man who's been forced to share his baby with someone who gets on his nerves. His wife is being monopolised and he's got someone else living in his house, he probably feels completely surplus to requirements. I can see how that situation would make someone act badly.

Me too methe.

Oh how horrible. OK I am not excusing how he has treated you because you gave birth 3 weeks ago and had a rough ride too so really need rest, gentleness and consideration. He should apologise for shouting at you in the middle of the night and he should vent elsewhere.

But I can slightly understand why he needed to vent (which does not mean it was OK to vent at you but if he does apologise and change his behaviour now it might make it easier for you to forgive him). He has witnessed someone he loves go through a traumatic birth, probably been horribly sleep deprived and gone through significant hormonal upheaval too. Biology means he is on hyperdrive to protect you and bond with his baby, and all the stress hormones in his body will have made him particularly irritable as well. In an ideal world he would have been able to recognise how much pressure he was under and taken some time out. When our DD was born we realised by week two that unless DH got out for a mountain bike ride he would go mad. And I'm sure your mother is lovely and once he calms down he'll see that but absolutely everyone who came to see me in the first few weeks after my DD was born pissed me off big time because I was so fucking stressed. It wasn't them it was me. Hopefully your DH will have the insight to see that in time but prob not at 3am when he hasn't had much sleep.

The wanting to grow some tits thing isn't that unusual. I've met a few fathers who've expressed similar feelings and it must be pretty exasperating if you are the mother sitting there thinking 'could you not take the bins out instead?'. It will pass over the next few weeks as your baby becomes more alert and needs more than boob!

You could argue about it, and if he carries on being a knob maybe you will have to. But tell him how the whole thing made you feel first without the dramatic 'a big part of my love for you has gone stuff' and give him a chance to redeem himself. And be aware that most people argue a spectacular amount more in the first year after having a baby than they did before but most of their relationships survive.

OP - as far as I can see, all of your DH's pisspoor behaviour occurred in the first week while your mum was there. Is that right?

And if so, how is he being now?

If he's actually been supportive and thoughtful and loving in the period since your mum left then I'd be included to chalk it up to sleep deprivation and stress, and let it go.

If he's still being an arse now then that's a whole different kettle of fish to deal with.

" he is resentful that she wants me more than him at the moment. "

Still being an arse....

I think everyone would agree the dad is important, very.

But if he can't protect his wife from the destructive expression of his feelings at this time of all times when she is injured and hormonal etc when can he?

Is he so devoid of imagination that he can't think of an alternative before resorting to lashing out verbally?.. talk to his MIL constructively about the situation they are both in, vent to a friend of his instead etc?

I would like to bet that OP is feeling much worse than he is right now but I bet she is containing that for the sake of her DD, I bet she is not stomping round saying horrid things. If she can - he can.

The MIL may be (worst case scenario) an interfering old bat (My own MIL is pretty bloody awful so I am not oblivious to the strains of such a MIL) who belittles the DH, makes snide remarks when OP isn't there and pushes herself in front of him when he tries to be a dad, we don't know.

Either way though, her visit is temporary only and is holding his wife together, so he needs to get his problems into perspective and cease dumping on his wife.

She needs to know she isn't misjudging him by disliking this aspect to his character.

Support OP in this and you support everyone as DH and DD's problems increase tenfold if she isn't allowed to properly heal mentally and physically from this.

Congratulations on your new LO OP

When our DD was born we had a delicate balancing act with my mother and DP. DP had been in denial about what having a baby actually entailed and once she arrived he was clearly petrified about picking her up and bonding with her. My mother was very much doing helpful things which she felt were appropraite and not understanding that DP (and I for that matter) needed some time on our own with DD. I made DP uncomfortable and in the end even though my mother was helpful we asked her to leave for a few days to give DP some time to bond without the scrutiny of family members he didn't have a strong relationship with. I realise this is a different situation to the one OP describes but my point is that yes new mothers need a lot of support but so do new fathers, and they need the chance to bond. He is being an arse and that isn't acceptable but I think you both need to have a frank conversation. Its possible that he underestimated how he would feel, or how it would be with a newborn and now wishes your mother were around less. He needs to understand that if he wants your mum to be around less then he needs to provide the same level of support that she is. Equally he needs to understand exactly how difficult being a new mum is and all the emotions and hormones that almost take over in those first weeks.

Basically you need to sit down together, you need to tell him that his attitude has been unacceptable (calmly), explain what you need, how you feel, that you expect an apology. You need to explain how having your mum there helped and that if she isn't there he needs to step into that role. Equally you need to listen to him and ask him what his feelings are about all of this. Emotions run high with a new baby and communication is vital. I hope you can resolve this OP, and get some rest.

First of all op I'm sorry you're being made to feel do bad I hope your recovery is going well

And congratulations on your new DD

I also had emergency c sections. I also have a mom who lives a long way away. She came down for a week both times and tbh I can't remember even consulting my husband about that. It was just what we all assumed would happen. And my husband was happy to have the help and support himself tbh

"I think he is resentful that she wants...."

He might not be resentful at all. Maybe he is. Or he might just genuinely be head over heels in love with his daughter and long to spend every second he can with her.

My DH felt exactly that way about all three of ours. He had a disconcerting habit of whisking them off me as soon as they'd finished feeding to wind them. If I'd already been feeling angry towards him I would probably have interpreted this differently. Luckily I could see that he was just doing the one thing he could in easing their pain (and he's always been much better than me at getting burps out of them).

And I certainly wouldn't describe DH as resentful that our babies have needed me more than him as newborns; wistful would be closer. He would have loved to have been able to care for them as closely as I did.

op have you spoken to your midwife or health visitor, they may be able to guage whether this is first time dad or something else and have a word with him or give you advise.
you are 3 week post major surgery and caring for a new little person so you are doing great.

If my husband had screamed at me in the middle of the night like that, I would have gone to my mum and asked her to take me to her house for a while.

I couldn't live with someone who behaved like that. Selfish, bullying knobber.

Your husband is an arse. He has behaved really badly, aggressive and abusive and controlling. He does not even have post partum hormones as an excuse.

Did you have any idea he was capable of such nastiness?

I would go to my mum for a few weeks, if I were you.

So "shouting" is now "screaming"?

You sometimes get posts on here from women feeling terrible because they lost their rag with their baby and shouted at it. We all know that they are supposed to do nothing but love and support the baby with endless patience, but we also know that they are human, stressed out, hormonal and for a moment it was all too much. They rightly get a great deal of sympathy and support even though everyone accepts that they shouldn't have shouted at the baby and upset it even more.

I would say that shouting at the OP about her mum falls into a similar category (especially if this is unusual). The problem is he is not here to say how that situation felt to him, so rather than getting any sympathy or "we've all been there" comments we just get people saying he is an arse or worse (given usual MN escalation) that he was abusive and she should leave him to stay with her mother (presumably taking away his baby too!)

How he deals with the situation when he is not strung out will be far more revealing than what is said when he is at the end of his tether but everyone deserves sympathy in the first weeks of dealing with a new baby. Oh, and according to the books I've read the arrival of a baby messes around with men's hormones as well!

Has he calmed down now she has gone home? Is he back to his usual self? Can you do what NaughtyElephants suggested and discuss this with him if the heat has died down?

I think you need to know that he understands how far over the line he crossed, then you can both work towards making sure it doesn't happen again. An apology would help. He maybe regretting it himself.

Hope so.

Bit surprised MIL is required for "emotional support" OP. Is that not your DH's role? Inviting her down for a week during/around the birth would drive most new fathers to distraction. Seems like a mistake especially as your DH wants to be a hands-on father. Hope things have improved now.

He needs to grow up. Your mother was only there for a week it wasn't like she was moving in for a month. Could he not control himself? Could he not apologise for his lack of control?
He was screaming at you in the middle of the night- on what planet did he think you needed that?
Most women I know have had there mother there for a week or so after a birth to help- it is not unusual.
You need to tell him what he did was wholly unacceptable.

Repeatedly referring to your mother as "your fucking mother" is disgusting and I can't believe some posters are writing this off as stress.

He sounds very possessive - he's resentful of how much the baby needs you? What did he expect?

I think it was nice of your mum to come down and I think your DH should have accepted that as the nice gesture it was - if he felt she was spending time with the baby when he would have liked to, he could have talked to her about it.

Also, a previous poster said that stress will stop your breastmilk from flowing, this isn't true, please don't worry about this.

And, er, no. Fathers don't have a hormonal imbalance after the birth of a baby. It's an extremely emotional time, that much is true, but to say it's hormonal is a bit of a stretch.

Bertie that may have been me you mention - I said stress would stop he let-down - but I didn't mean permanently! I personally found that being tense stopped the let-down and it came when I could relax, once it has let-down it will flow.
I think it is helpful to know this because I didn't and was struggling for ages with the latch and it only got better once I knew it and could make changes. For a while I thought BF couldn't work for me, if I had known about relaxing for let-down it would have been much easier. So I hoped to help rather than worry OP. :)

"Bit surprised MIL is required for "emotional support" OP. Is that not your DH's role?"

Well then its a role he's obviously incapable of fulfilling. Any man capable of yelling abuse and swearing at his sobbing wife who is attempting to feed a newborn in the middle of the night is not going to win Dad of the Year award anytime soon.

My ex behaved like this after DS was born. Things just got and worse worse. I went and stayed with my mum for a month when DS was 5 weeks old - I couldn't bear to be around a verbally abusive man with such a tiny baby when I was so exhausted and vulnerable.