New baby, DH being a prick

[Bigwoop]

Hi there, I'm just wondering if the wise mumsnetters can give me some perspective..

I have a 3 week old baby. She is our first. The birth was tough going and ended with an emergency c.

I had a bad time in hospital what with the tears and baby not feeding/sleeping. My mum, who flew down to London from scotland, stayed with us for a week. I found the emotional support very valuable.

But my (D)H has been awful about her. When she was here he would come into the bedroom, Losing his rag and shouting 'when is your fucking mother going home?'

My mum can be a bit of a fusspot and in his opinion she was lifting the baby without asking him, and he felt she was critical of his parenting. I asked him to put up with it as I needed her. I had post op and baby blues and was/is very vulnerable.

He's all consumed by our child. He would love to grow some tits and feed her too. I think he is resentful that she wants me more than him at the moment.

He doesn't like anyone else holding her.

One night when she was crying and wouldn't settle, he had such a go at me. He told me how much my 'fucking mother' got on his nerves and how she wouldn't be back. He stomped around and made me sob while I tried to latch an angry baby at 3am.

I have made it clear that he cannot interfere with mine or DD's relationship with her grandmother.

But I'm so upset that for that one fucking week, when I was postnatal and sobbing for most of the time, he couldn't put his needs last.

I appreciate that it's a massive upheaval for him too.

I feel so utterly sad and depressed. I love my baby but I feel I never really knew DH and now I'm trapped. I still love him and he can be incredibly loving and affectionate but feel he let me down when I was most in need.

I love my DM. She is all the family I have and I just can't get past how horrible he was and a significant part of my love for him has gone.

What should I do?

Why do people have to so black and white, there is enough sympathy and support to go around, you don't have to claim allegiance to one "team" and trash the other side! They were both under stress and had a MIL inspired row. Like most rows I'm sure it sounds worse in the cold light of day. On another occasion maybe the OP will crack and shout and swear, but it won't make her a prick, it will make her human! Some people do like to turn a drama into a crisis!

To correct other posters - you and the baby come first in the first few weeks. Everyone else is a distant 2nd.

Your husband is being a total and utter shit and I should know because mine behaved quite similarly. It wasnt about my mother (she lives close by but was popping in) It was more about him feeling like he was being bossed around and only had a support role and he was too dim to understand that this is how its meant to be in the first few weeks.
I printed off an article that outlined from a mans point of view what they should be doing and gave it to my DH. It helped.

OP - I know exactly how you feel - like its the end of the world and you are vulnerable/sore etc. This will pass. My Dh is not a bully but he isnt great under pressure. My advise is get him out of the house as much as possible and back to work asap. He wont really be a help at the moment

Bigwoop
Being honest I still havent gotten how my DH behaved out of my head. It will always be there.

However I can see him for what he is all the other times - a loving caring husband and father.

We cant all be defined by our worst moments so try and build a bridge but under no circumstances compromise your relationship with your mother for him.

I also think posters who anre banging on about it being a time for just yourself, DH and Baby are being idiotic. For generations women have needed their mothers, sisters and aunts and men have known and understood this. THis is nothing new and should not be denied just because the man doesnt feel his feelings are being met - its not his time, his body hasnt gone through the wringer End Of !!

"He would love to grow some tits and feed her too.

OP my DP was the same!!!! we are great now but when DS1 was born, fuck it was hard!

He finally met someone he loved soooooo much (DS I refer to..) , and I think the emotion and the fear of watching a bad birth, well it makes some men go a bit funny. I think the intense love can make people feel very vulnerable?
He was quite horrible , especially when I struggled with BF. He got so angry and upset that I could not feed his beloved son!

I have 1000% forgven him, but i do remember it well. second child was a walk in the oark for both

Try and forgive him and move on, its a bit fraught to start with OP xx

Lol at The Empress of the Universe storming in to "correct" other people's opinions! Thanks for that.

I dont get why grown women need their mums?

It should be your DH/DP that provides the support both practical and emotional, he is the one you are having the baby with!

If you dont think hes up to the job then you shouldnt be having a child with him.

No Problem.
How else can people learn?

OP, also dont underestimate the shock, baby blues and fatigue will make this all seem worse

when DS1 was 3 weeks old a stranger (friend of a friend died) and I was devasttated. The emotions are all over the place

again, try and move on (even if you cant forgive right now)

Amber Sometimes its nice to have female support - someone who has gone through it and understands what you need. Some men do but a lot dont. My MUm was brilliant, she cooked, cleaned, helped me latch the baby etc. And yes she was a comfort and I have no shame in admitting that.

Why do you think that women had so much female support over centuries of birthing?

Amber - I think it is a huge strain on a couple, having a baby. Older family members can provide brilliant support and comfort.

It is such a recent idea, this concept that people have a baby and shut themselves away. I find it very bizarre, and slightly depressing.

Yeah, my mother is such an idiot to have given me and my new family space.

Why on earth did she use her own experience of being a parent to make a judgement instead of adhering to years of traditional sexism?

If men have been pushed out in the early days of a new baby for generations, it must be right because it's not like there are any societal problems caused by fathers and their inability/reluctance to look after their own children.

I guess we need to get men out of the delivery room and cancel paternity leave, since only women can help with newborn babies.

Why do you think that women had so much female support over centuries of birthing?

Because men would have been out toiling in the fields, oh and the puritanical shameful attitudes towards our bodies!

Ok I can get why you might want female support, but I just dont like the idea of fathers being cast aside as useless for mummy to be birthing partner for example.

I had female friends who were also supportive, I think having my mum around would have made me feel like a child and I dont think theres any other time as having your own child when you are not a child.

Down with recent ideas!

Athing Why do you think this is personalised to you. You didnt want your mother there, great. The OP did and her DH didnt agree. My point is that for the first few weeks it should be the mothers perogative as to who she wants around her for those couple of weeks. Why is that hard to swallow. A women needs to feel safe and secure to breastfeed and bond. Men cannot breastfeed and did not have their bodies run through the mill so its not the same.

Bringing this around to societal problems is not really relevant.

Amber
I'm afraid you are missing the point. Its not that the Father shouldnt be there. Its that their needs dont come first and that if the Mother needs other support then the Father should be loving and understanding enough to allow them to access this.

I think my DH would have found it hard f my Mum had been with us in that precous first week and I had an emergency section too. I think this time is for the parents to learn together...is your DH not on leave? Why is your Mother staying when you have a DH? He should be the one to help you and DD....

Snappy I'm afraid the needs go "Baby, Mother, Father" and that the Fathers need to be involved comes BEFORE the mothers ned for her Mum....women need to have the other parent their to bond...this is an important time For BOTH parents.

Hey, hey, hey. This is Relationships, not AIBU.

Please could we stop calling each other names and perhaps accept that we all needed and wanted different things in the first few weeks of our babies' lives?

The FACTS are these:

The OP wanted her Mum's support. Given the split of opinion on this thread alone it's clear that she's far from unusual in that.

The DH behaved like an utter prick for one week, but beforehand and subsequently has been loving and supportive, as the OP HERSELF says.

The first few weeks after having a baby, especially the first, are stressful like no other - we ALL agree about that !

People do things under stress that are completely out of character and which they subsequently regret deeply.

The fathers of babies can feel marginalised in the babies' early days, which is very hard for them to deal with.

It seems to me that what the OP needs now is help in letting go of her anger towards her DH (which some of us feel is justified and others feel is misplaced) so they can move forward as a happy family together.

Any suggestions as to how we can help her with this?

TheHouse Thats where we disagree completely.

I did want my mother there.

She wouldn't come.

According to you because she is an idiot.

According to me because she is wise and kind and thoughtful.

I feel like I've stepped back 60 years with all this talk of "females needing female support" ... If I was a man I think I'd find that idea really sexist - I know my dh would.

A good dh is perfectly capable of supporting his wife following a traumatic birth and looking after the baby. If breastfeeding support is needed then by all means maybe some support in that capacity might be needed but to. Be honest that's not necessarily a "female" issue - my mum wouldn't have a clue about feeding - whereas a male specialist might do.

I've had severe pnd myself and it can sometimes be helped by having a good support network but its a shame that the op's support doesn't automatically come from her dh and she feels the need to look to her mum to provide this.

Shouting at her in the middle of the night was wrong. But we all do things that are wrong under stress. I'd be near suicidal if my mil invited herself (or dhd invited her) down for the week when my new baby came home and behaved like a "fusspot".

Yes its the "mothers time" but its not all about the mum. Its about the family. The dad. The baby. The bonds that are made in the early days between you all that bind you together.

God, I'm a bossy cow on occasion. Sorry. As you were.

Cinnabar
Well I have been through it and I found that I was able to let it go by focusing on all the great things my DH is and does. That diverts you from the anger.

Also I thought about times I wasnt at my best and how I would hate my DH to define me by that time so that also helped me move on.

I also purposefully didnt get into the competitive tiredness thing - to me thats where couples really argue.

I didnt have a conversation with my DH until months later and then it was just in passing when those days came up.

I also ensured that my DH knew that he was valued and important but that the first few weeks are hard and mother and baby centric. He gets that now - and did on our 2nd and 3rd.

And lastly time heals .....

I had my mum there as well as my husband, but it worked because my mum was there to support us, the new family unit, not to make one with me and leave my husband on the side. Picking up the baby first is not on, she needed to be hanging back allowing the primary carers to have a go, even if they got it all wrong, and not judging if they inevitabl did.

I'm surprised people can't see the difference between supporting and parenting, The parents should be allowed to parent, including the father. Grannies are a wonderful support, but they are not the parent.