New baby, DH being a prick

[Bigwoop]

Hi there, I'm just wondering if the wise mumsnetters can give me some perspective..

I have a 3 week old baby. She is our first. The birth was tough going and ended with an emergency c.

I had a bad time in hospital what with the tears and baby not feeding/sleeping. My mum, who flew down to London from scotland, stayed with us for a week. I found the emotional support very valuable.

But my (D)H has been awful about her. When she was here he would come into the bedroom, Losing his rag and shouting 'when is your fucking mother going home?'

My mum can be a bit of a fusspot and in his opinion she was lifting the baby without asking him, and he felt she was critical of his parenting. I asked him to put up with it as I needed her. I had post op and baby blues and was/is very vulnerable.

He's all consumed by our child. He would love to grow some tits and feed her too. I think he is resentful that she wants me more than him at the moment.

He doesn't like anyone else holding her.

One night when she was crying and wouldn't settle, he had such a go at me. He told me how much my 'fucking mother' got on his nerves and how she wouldn't be back. He stomped around and made me sob while I tried to latch an angry baby at 3am.

I have made it clear that he cannot interfere with mine or DD's relationship with her grandmother.

But I'm so upset that for that one fucking week, when I was postnatal and sobbing for most of the time, he couldn't put his needs last.

I appreciate that it's a massive upheaval for him too.

I feel so utterly sad and depressed. I love my baby but I feel I never really knew DH and now I'm trapped. I still love him and he can be incredibly loving and affectionate but feel he let me down when I was most in need.

I love my DM. She is all the family I have and I just can't get past how horrible he was and a significant part of my love for him has gone.

What should I do?

I feel strongly that if he has been absolutely fine since then you owe it to your DD to find a way past your feelings. You're 3 weeks post partum, in pain, and coping with a brand new person, so be kind to yourself. But be kind to him too, when you have the emotional energy to be so.

I agree with absolutely everything that Mumsyblouse said.

I don't think there will be many of us on here who have never shouted and said horrible things in the middle of a difficult night with a newborn. It's a really stressful situation for all involved.

I managed to smile and pretend to be glad to see dh's family after the birth of our dd, but they were here for a day. I don't doubt that had they been here for a week I would have snapped.

I think you need to have a talk, but also let it go. It was fair enough that you needed your mum, but it IS a big ask for him to tolerate being pushed out for a whole week.

the man has let you down big time - thats why you cant get that week out of your head. and i dont blame you, i would feel exactly the same way. noone can prepare you for your first labour and then the after effects - pnd etc and just highs and lows and at that exact time a new mother is pretty much reliant on others around her for everything as she navigates how to handle and care for her newborn whilst having very little sleep. i think hes been an absolute little shit - never mind his first few weeks with his child - your mother had a grace to come and help out he should be bloody grateful however annoying he may find her personality - she has come with good intentions - i find it unbelievable how idiotic some men behave after their partners have just given birth - different planet!! it will take you a long time to heal this wound OP - goodluck

"He was always aware that I wanted my mum for a week after the birth. It's not asking a lot!"

I think it is asking a lot to have someone else in on top of you when you bring your baby home.

You didn't need your mother. You're a grown w

I think it's telling that your thread is entitled "DHis being a prick". Well, no, he isn't.

He was a prick - for one week, under difficult circumstances, he was a prick.

But now it's time to talk to each other.

Hmm I can see both sides to this really.

I used to have the sort of relationship you have with your mother. She was almost more of a partner to me than my partner at the time! Basically we would do everything together and she would be the one I would confide in or turn to if I was poorly and needed looking after.. I even went on holiday with her and dd when I was married to my ex and left my ex at home for the week!!

However, when I met my now dh I realised that it's not normal or healthy to be like this to that extent. I did something I never thought I would do and me and dh brought my mum out of the house (we had always lived together) and now I live with dh and dd on my own. My mum and I are rebuilding our relationship, but as mum and daughter, not in the way that we were.

I just think you should be careful that you don't let your relationship with your mum take over the closeness you should have with your dh. I suspect that might be why he was so angry and hurt over you having her there after your birth.

Even though some of the way he behaved was unacceptable (no doubt about that) I do think that a lot of it was because he felt pushed aside. To be totally honest, you should have just been at home with your dh and baby - your mum shouldn't have come down to visit for a week in my opinion. You undermined your own little family unit by having her there.

Incidentally I am due to have an elective c section in just under 6 weeks with my second child and the only people that will be at home with me afterwards are dh and dd aged 8. My mum can visit but I am very aware that this is dh's first baby (dd from a previous relationship) and therefore he wants to be the "parent" and look after ds and me. Of course we can ask her for help if we really need it and she would be happy to help but I wouldn't dream of having her in our house for a week even though I know she'd love it. I know dh would feel pushed out and upset - as I would feel if he invited his mum down for the week after we'd just had our baby!

Don't make the mistakes that I made in previous relationships and let your mum take the bond that should be between you and your dh. You should be able to lean on your dh the way that you felt you needed your mum. He should be enough to look after you and the baby after your surgery - that's what partners and dads are for!

"He was always aware that I wanted my mum for a week after the birth. It's not asking a lot!"

I think it is asking a lot to have someone else in on top of you when you bring your baby home.

You didn't need your mother. You're a grown woman, not a little girl.

What you needed was another adult around to help look after you and the baby. You had that in your husband, and it's entirely unsurprising that he felt hurt that you insisted on having someone else there.

Not only that, but your mother was displacing him by picking up the baby first instead of letting him do it, and you expected him to be OK with that rather than asking her to step back and let him learn to be a Dad.

I've been exactly where you were, and I have lots of sympathy because I did not cope well, but I don't think you are blameless here.

However bad you were feeling, your husband's feelings counted too. That was the first week of his first child's life and you expected him to just sit by while his role of caring for his wife and child was usurped by his MIL.

I wanted my Mum after DD1 was born, but she wouldn't come until I actually, physically needed her because DH was back at work. This thread has made me bless her wisdom in making that call.

I couldn't see why she shouldn't be there, but I realise now that she saw why it was best for us, as a brand new family, to have some time alone, and she was absolutely right.

I really think you need to let this go.

Oh ffs! It isn't a lot to have your mother visit for a week after you have given birth. It is perfectly understandable and perfectly normal. The OPs DH is making this all about him. It isn't.

So the OP is expected to recover from a traumatic birth, look after the practical and emotional needs of her baby, establish bfing, entertain his family with good grace and then make sure all the emotional needs of her husband are met? All while in pain and emotional and probably exhausted herself.

Who is being the grown up here? Who is looking after her needs?

No wonder PND is on the rise and women don't breastfeed. Looking after a baby and breastfeeding does require support and yet here we are on a parenting website telling the OP that she didn't need the only support she seems to have got because she is a grown woman.

Just to reiterate. This period of time is not about him it is about her and the baby. Their needs. Their requirements.

oh double standards are still alive and well I see.

If the op had lost it because the mil was staying (and I've read posts along those lines) she would be given nothing but sympathy and still the man would have been to blame. Yet this man has just become a father, is being pushed out by his mother-in-law and because he has had enough (and let's not underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation and the total shock of becoming a first time parent) and has reacted strongly at a time when emotions often run high anyway (3 A M is a hard enough time to be awake as it is) he is a controlling abusive arsehole and the op should "leave the bastard." purely because he is a man. riiight.

This is his child too. Or have people forgotten that? Do only mothers have the right to find adjusting to being a first time parent difficult?

"Who is looking after her needs?"

Presumably her husband could have, if she had let him.

But she didn't.

Abigail, I agree having a mother's support is invaluable. My mother was really supportive in the weeks after both my births. But she was very very careful not to displace my husband, she did all the extra stuff that we were too exhausted to do, like cooking meals, entertaining visitors, she was a star.

I am not defending the husband's twattish actions, he was a prick about this. But he is now being supportive. People stuff up, they are not perfect, she has a right to be angry and let him know how he let her down. But, it really seems on MN sometimes that people are almost glad to break others up, I would suggest that the worst possible time ever to evaluate your relationship would be two weeks after birth, unless there is a long history of abuse prior to the birth.

OP, on a separate point, you mentioned that you had the baby blues. I really hope they have passed. But if they haven't, 3 weeks isn't too early to seek help if you mighf need it.

I had dreadful PND with DS1, which started right from the first week and lasted for at least 18 months, mostly because (a) I didn't get help; and (b) it took both DH and me a long time to realise that what I was experiencing wasn't normal.

With DS2 I was actually in a worse state by week 3 than I had been with DS1. The difference was that this time we both recognised what was happening and got help. By week 6 I had seen the community mental health team and started talking therapy and ADs. The worst of it was over by week 12, and materially more bearable by week 8.

Hopefully this post is irrelevant to you . But your anger, even rage, at your DH reminds me of how I was. So if it rings any bells, then do think about talking to your GP or HV.

"This period of time is not about him it is about her and the baby."

That period of time in my house was about me, DH and our new baby.

Facing the terror of being first-time parents together really brought us closer in a way that is still paying dividends now. We are a team, we raise our children together. That was established from the day we brought DD1 home.

I have a 3am memory of my own from the first week - we were both losing it and left DD1 screaming and went into the next room for a minute to get our shit together.

We just looked at each other in utter despair, and then we laughed, and hugged, and knew that we had to just keep on going. So we did.

And so we do.

I am so glad we had that time together. For me, for him, for DD1 and for the child since born and the one to be born soon.

That time was about us, our family. Not just me and the baby.

What matters now is whether OP can talk to her DH about it. I'm guessing, OP, that if he acknowledges your feelings and apologises, that might go some way to repairing the damage? How do you deal with disagreements generally?

"We just looked at each other in utter despair, and then we laughed, and hugged, and knew that we had to just keep on going. So we did."

But the OPs DH didn't do that. He was aggressive and nasty.

""He was always aware that I wanted my mum for a week after the birth. It's not asking a lot!"

I think it is asking a lot to have someone else in on top of you when you bring your baby home.

You didn't need your mother. You're a grown woman, not a little girl.""

FFS! this is her mother offering post natal support - that she wanted - after a very difficult birth! her DH would have been completely out of his depth. (mine certainly was after our first)
she did need her mother. there are times when, as adults, we have to know which help is best for us, and accept that help.

a shocked first time dad isn't always going to be that right support.
I don't see what is wrong or childish about knowing who is best equipped to help you.

"Do only mothers have the right to find adjusting to being a first time parent difficult? "

as the mother is the one, in this case, to go through major surgery, I would say a big yes to this.

People certainly do seem to have some funny ideas - and normalize a lot of nasty, childish behaviour under the guise of being exhausted from newborn baby care and its demands. Personally I find this man's behaviour shocking. My DD is 6 weeks - DM lives abroad and came to stay with us for 3 weeks postpartum while I recovered from childbirth and established breastfeeding. DH was lovely and hospitable to her and grateful for the help and support. in no way did he feel like her presence was undermining his importance as a father, that's ridiculous. But I guess I'm fortunate to have a mother that's relaxed, balanced and not overbearing in the least - and a husband who is thoughtful and kind. Healthy relationships all around. We're now on our own with colicky 6 week old DD an despite being absolutely worn out to the bone we feel happy and blessed. There have been a few snappy moments here and there, but nothing approaching what the OP's been through. Swearing and shouting and slagging off her mum at 3am while she's trying to breastfeed their child...that is just vile. My sympathies, OP.

"But the OPs DH didn't do that. He was aggressive and nasty."

My DH wouldn't have done it either if my mother had been there picking up the baby when she cried and criticising him.

When my mother did come when he went back to work, she really got on his wick, despite having the cop on not to push him out by taking over in a parenting role when he was there.

And by the time she came he was quite confident in his ability to look after his own baby.

The dymamic we established in those earliest of days would not have happened if there had been someone else in the house, particularly if that someone was a fusspot who ran to the baby first and pushed him out.

don't you imagine that this is in fact a different case?

her mother was there at her request. offering help she found useful. her DH could have kept a lid on it for that long.

I don't get why people are making out the dh is some kind of abusive wanker because of one thing he did, under massive pressure. No, it's shit to swear at your wife in the middle of the night, but have none of you said horrible things when you're exhausted and stressed and upset? I know I have, as has my dh! Doesn't make either of us aggressive or abusive.

If (as the op seems to be implying) he is normally a decent guy, and has been since this incident, I really think it's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Of course, if there is more to it, and he has form for this kind of behaviour, then that's totally different.

The last thing I would want at 3am feeling stressed vulnerable and overwhelmed by the. DW responsibilities of being a parent is to have my MIL fussing around giving me the judgy eyes and making me feel even more incompetent! I can't believe some people on here have practically sainted this woman, having the "grace" to float downfrom on high to offer her wisdom, I ask you! She seems to be Tefl

Sorry hit send too soon! Was going to say she seems to be Teflon coated

When ds1 was born, we especially did not want anybody coming to help until the baby was 3 weeks old. We wanted the first couple of weeks on our own to bond with baby and find our feet together as parents. We thought it would be difficult to do this with somebody living at the house with us.
Dhs aunt, who lived 20 minutes away came by every day for a few hours to help with cooking, cleaning, etc.

I know it's a different case.

But I had a very similar situation, and I can see how badly wrong it would have gone if my mother had agreed to come when I asked her to.

This man might have coped admirably with his wife and child alone. He was never given that chance.

Not only that, but his MIL behaved entirely inappropriately in picking up the baby first while he was there, and the OP expected him to just wear that rather than recognising that his feelings mattered too.

Of course, staying angry about it and holding on to this resentment seems a very positive way forward for this new family, so I can see why you are encouraging an angry woman, sure she is beyond reproach, to stoke her righteous fury and ruin even more weeks of their new baby's life.