So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

I think its just the shame of a broken marriage, the cold realisation that the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with isn't who you thought they were, etc etc all the usual reasons are part of it. But the longer this silence goes on the more detached I'm becoming emotionally.

There will be no 'shame' for you if you end this marriage Nini The shame is your husbands, and the blame will rest entirely on his shoulders.

This thread is extremely worrying, and I am very concerned for the safety of you and DD (and the cat!) The fact that he stormed out tutting shows that he is in NO WAY sorry for his actions, and his temper is clearly on a knife edge.

He has hit you, he has tried to STRANGLE you. He needs to go, you cannot try and stay in this ticking timebomb of a marriage.

You need to detach from him. I fear however that instead you are detaching from the terrible things he has done, and downplaying them in your mind.

One day he may very well severely hurt you or your DD. Will you still be so concerned with things like what others will think of you then? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are not treating your situation with the seriousness it deserves. I am so so worried and anxious for you, and we've never even met

I haven't read the entire thread but I got to your message about knowing how he works and that he won't do it again for a long while...

I have been separated from my STBXH for two years due to domestic abuse though it was never violent. What you are saying is true to some extent, it may not happen for a while but it will happen again, and again and again and each occasion will not be as long since the last time. He will hit you, deny that it happened, you will have the honeymoon period where he is on his best behaviour for a bit and then his anger will build inside of him again until he hits you again and so on and so forth.

Please, please, please question whether you want your DD to grow up in a house where this is considered normal. She may be unaware now but there will come a day where she realises that Daddy hits Mummy and Mummy forgives Daddy and she will think that is how men treat women and how women should be treated by men.

Also, please ask yourself why you think you are worth this and consider yourself worthless? Why aren't you worth more than this?

You may not think you can cope on your own but actually you can and you will be fine and you will actually be happier! There is no reason for you to stay, any reason you give is actually an excuse because you work, you will get tax credits, maybe even housing benefit, help with childcare, council tax benefit/reduction and child maintainance. You can even stay in the family home if you choose to do so. Please contact Womens Aid and Rights for Women, arm yourself with the facts so you know where you legally stand. Go and see the CAB and get advice from a solicitor, knowledge is power!

Even if you can't summon up the strength to do something now, please get some support and legal/practical advice so that when you decide to make the break yu know what to do. And, please don't worry about your debt, arrangements can be made with lenders - it WILL be fine!!!!

Good luck and take care of yourself xx

Oh and good for you for telling the Dr what happened. There would be no shame in telling the Police and by telling yuor boss you slipped on the stairs you are covering for him - this is not your fault.

Oh my dear, you shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Marriages break down all the time. And anyway, HE is the one who has broken it! You haven't done anything to be ashamed of here.

No decent person would ever judge you for leaving an abusive man.

On the other hand and I'm sorry if this is harsh people will judge you for keeping your child in an abusive relationship. That is the thing to avoid at all costs, you have to protect her, and keep both of you safe.

You said you can call the CARP lady and put a safety plan in place. I really think you should do that. You need to safely exit this situation as soon as you can.

I think being in the same house, with you not talking to him, is going to set him off again at some point. It's really not safe.

Hun you won't lose your daughter I know your head is messed up right now but I promise you I am right with what I have said I stayed so many times thinks will quieten down but something will make him flare up and it will get worse. Ex p was ' quiet ' for 3 weeks and then boom off he went again
please please lovely dnt put up with this you are worth so much more than this

I am so worried for you, I thought I could handle ex p be 'good' and 'behave' and he wouldn't hit me but it made no difference. It really was the hardest thing I ever did but I no longer live in fear, The poster who posted the other thread was out of order. You will not lose your child I promise you like I said before I have had never had any contact with SS at all none and Ex P attacked me numerous times and I was hospitalised at least four times. Please please listen to me I am so concerned for you I truly do know how you are feeling and I'm not trying to scare you but I know what I am talking about. This won't be the end of it he will not stop and you and your daughter deserve so much better than this please nini

the cold realisation that the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with isn't who you thought they were, etc etc all the usual reasons are part of it.

That's hit the nail on the head, it's a kind of extreme disappointment and feeling you've been cheated - that you've wasted part of your life being dedicated to him. Remember that he probably sees it that way too. He has no concept of how his behaviour affects you - that's the nub of it - he never will. He probably thinks he's the one having the bad time. He really doesn't do what he says on the tin.

You've spent your time hoping the incidents are a one-off, but they are part of a pattern that is normal and acceptable to him. You have indeed been cheated, as much by your own optimism and good nature as anything else. Time to see it for what it is.

I understand that feeling of extreme disapointment...been there!

But the real shame, in this modern age, is to waste even more time in a harmful and destructive marriage.

You really do owe it to yourself and your dd to strive for something better.

nini thats good then that we are close by and I still have alot of toys and clothes from when DD was younger I shall PM you my mobile number. I just with that I had known about MN when I was going through it all, the support on here is amazing

Hi Nini, so glad to see you still posting and working stuff out - it's a lot for you, or anyone, to process and I understand that it's incredibly difficult and stressful.

One question: my first marriage ended in divorce. My husband never hit me, he was just unrelentingly mean and horrible to me. Do you think I should be ashamed? Am I a shamed woman?

If your answer is - as I think it will be - 'no', then apply the same understanding and compassion to yourself. Every good person will understand why you left.

Thank you as always everyone for writing to me.

Hi Berts, you're right that my answer is 'no'. :) I guess it just feels different when it's you.

As I was expecting, it's been a long and difficult day. I took DD out to church this morning, then got a bus into town and did some shopping. This foul weather doesn't help lift my mood! DD hasn't been on a bus for a while so it was something different for her. We had lunch at a cafe then I got the bus home again. So was out of the house from 9am-2pm.

He is acting strange. Every time DD walks into the room he tries to get her to cuddle him (she's not a cuddly kid unless she's tired or sick). He tried to engage me in conversation several times about mundane things but I still can't even look at him.

While he was taking a bath earlier I made myself some dinner and his mobile just happened to be next to me on the sofa. I know he spoke to his Dad the evening he hit me, so I took a look at his phone. I know I shouldn?t have. He?d deleted all ?sent? texts but there was one received from his Dad about an hour after he hit me that said exactly this 'Take care, try not to worry'.

Admit I'm both pissed off and intrigued as to what was said. FIL is a fucking manipulative arsehole, 2 sticky divorces (of course, neither were his fault, according to him anyway but I have my doubts), a string of girlfriends he gets through at least once a month, and his daughter has refused to have anything to do with him for about 10 years. He's a GREAT relationship role model. .

After husband had his bath and came downstairs while I was eating, he said "Are you going to talk to me?" I said I didn't want to look at him right now so he said (in the soft voice he uses when he's being 'gentle'):
"Can I just ask you this? Are you thinking of ending it?"
To which I replied "Yes I am actually."
He said "Then you need to get a lawyer."
Me: "I will."
Him "I'm not being troublesome, I'm just saying if you want to end it, you need to get a lawyer."
Me: "And I will."

That was the extent of our conversation. Can't even begin to break down what was wrong with that .

I'm so tired. I've been singlehandedly looking after DD all weekend. I'm emotionally gone. My knee feels much better although my back has been twinging. I get these occasional thoughts where I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I'm too tired and lost.

Forgive me, I've rechecked the date and the text was sent the day after - wednesday night.

Well done for saying what you did to his 'softly, softly' bull-crap.

Reckon he's convinced that nothing will come of his appalling behaviour and if he just keeps up the act all will go back to 'normal'

Wish I could whisk you and DD out of there this second and give you the mental break you so sorely need :(

Feeling as you do is oniy to be expected but the danger is that the more time passes the more he will try to drag you back into his dysfunctional underworld.

Try to get some rest and for now, keep posting here for validation and resolve - you can and you will get to a place where you'll literally wake up one day (soon) and find the anger and strength you need to end this.

Took me 7 years (and a small bottle of southern comfort for dutch courage) to do it with the first idiot and 10 years and the power and kindness of MN the second time around but i got there - and you will too.

Purrs from my cats and hugs from me to you.

I'm lurking nini but I couldn't let your post go unanswered.

That sounds to me like he was trying to intimidate you - telling you twice that you need to get a lawyer is a way of saying he's going to make things difficult. Dom't let him intimidate you.

You might be having moments when you wish you weren't alive any more, but the fact is that you have your DD to take care of so you absolutely cannot afford to indulge those thoughts. She needs you to protect her from this man and to be there for her. You're not too tired and lost, you are just in ahorrible and difficult position with a shit of a man who is trying to control and manipulate you. You owe it to your daughter and yourself to keep it together and get the fuck away from him, so for goodness sake listen to the good advice you are getting from people on here, take up the offers of help, and look to a future where you and your daughter are free from fear and abuse.

You can do it!

That lawyer talk was intimidation.

He knows you have grounds for divorce. Heck, he knows you have grounds to land him in jail actually. So he lands a punch below the belt, the threat that if you try to end it you will have a fight on your hands and you will have to stump up for a lawyer, with the implication being that he will get one if you try to end it and it will be like something from the movies, a fight to the death.

My guess is that if you were to actually get a lawyer he wouldn't know what hit him.

yy to NonAstemia's words!

Suddenly remembered reading your in the Cheltenham area OP - the one and only time I ever found the courage to have a break from last ex twat was to Cheltenham -lovely place (weird statue in the town centre though)

Memories, tsk.

Back into stalker mode - am not that far away from you and have holiday coming up - entirely happy to spend it helping you and dd and cat have a similar break to the one I took is all im trying to (clumsily) say.

Thanks Bibi, Astemia I think you're right about the intimidation, when we've argued in the past he always says 'get a lawyer' when I knows I have debt and he has savings.

To top it all off my Mum rang tonight to have a rant about her job (there's always something wrong with whatever job she has) and she exhausts me too.

Going to try and get some sleep, long day tomorrow - 'working' from home with DD.

Sorry, X-posted with math and Bibi.

Bibi, your comment about the weird statue made me lol, yeah its bizarre and totally out of keeping. And thanks for the offer, I may take you up on it if needs be :)

:) - that's not to mention the foul 'health' water or whatever it's called that's available at that stately home type place

Hope you get some rest and I'm here if you need me.

Who could resist a holiday in Bibi's tiny house, sleeping on the living room floor with two nosy cats trampling on their head in the night??

Sweetheart, I am worried that you have not made any steps to get out yet, I'm not being pushy I just think the longer you stay the harder it will be. I have been thinking about you all day and I am so worried. I am two and a half hours away from you otherwise I would offer to come get you. Wish I could help. Would come get you if you thought it would help loads of love xxx

I agree with ginger. I know you must be exhausted but you need a plan, you need to act.

It must seem overwhelming so try to focus on doing just one thing: seeing a solicitor. You can get a half-hour for free. You need to find out what all your options are, perhaps it will not be so hard to get him out of the house and sort out your affairs.

You should really go tomorrow. The sooner the better. You are in such risk with him being there and knowing you are ending it.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today Nini. Sorry if my earlier posts were a bit blunt. When my own marriage ended, I did feel like a bit of a failure - everyone who ever gets divorced goes through it - but it passes. The sense of failure didn't come close to the relief at being free.

Also, my divorce solicitors let me pay in monthly installments, according to what I could afford.

What kind of marriage results in you in debt, and him in savings? Marriage is a joint enterprise - he has been financially abusing you if he would rather build his own savings than help you with your debt. In a real marriage, one of you is debt is both of you in debt - it's a partnership.

Is part of the reason you're in debt that he allows you so little money each week that you get in debt to keep your DD in food and clothes?

If you left him, you'd probably be better off, financially and otherwise.

Go stay with MooMoo or Bibi. Take your daughter and go now. Have a rest for a couple of days and then you can work out what to do.

The most dangerous time for a woman in a violent marriage is when she tries to leave. Now that he knows you might leave, and you haven't crumbled at the mention of lawyers, he is most likely to step up the violence to the next level or hurt your daughter. You need to find your passports, bank books, birth certificates and other essential documents and leave now.

Leave while he's at work or down the pub and can't stop you. Don't leave when he's in the house - the confrontation could be extremely dangerous for you and your daughter. Please take this with the utmost seriousness.

Sending much love, hugs and kind thoughts x

Leave while he's at work or down the pub and can't stop you. Don't leave when he's in the house - the confrontation could be extremely dangerous for you and your daughter. Please take this with the utmost seriousness.

I fully agree.

I left immediately after ex threatened mine and DS's life (as well as his), after he realised that I meant it and we were not getting back together. I didn't reply. I just let it cool down, said I was going to the supermarket with DS (and even asked if he wanted to come) and took off to my sister's, with my purse only.
Security first, details later.

All this because I also made the mistake of allowing him back in after the assault.

Nini I have just read through the whole thread and am very worried about you, your DD and your cat.

Trust me, from experience he will never change and the best - and safest - thing for you, DD and the cat is to make him leave again and don't let him back. The manipulation and making himself the victim shows that he has got you where he wants you and you are doubting yourself and worrying about what others think of you. It doesn't matter what others think of you - the only thing that matters is that you are safe and away from this pathetic cowardly excuse for a man.