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Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

(1000 Posts)

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 16-Apr-12 21:33:44

Paying for me to go abroad, and then stealing the equivalent amount from my bank account. See also: doing me unasked for 'favours', and getting shirty when I wasn't sufficiently grateful.

Being shitty and disrespectful to perceived 'lesser beings' - waiters, shop assistants...

Telling me my lipstick 'matched my spots'. Bastard.

I know I'll think of more.

sunrise65 Mon 16-Apr-12 21:36:38

hi parsley smile good thread idea. lundy book has made me remember quite a few of these too:

the perfect man! couldn't believe my luck, seemed too good to be true (it was!)
..he was so thoughtful, generous, romantic..to be honest a bit full on.. told me he loved me within a month of seeing each other.

randomly would go apeshit about something small. the first time he did this i laughed because i thought he was joking (he let his perfect persona slip)

liar (several occasions)

couldn't argue without shouting

told me his ex broke his heart by cheating on him

very jealous when he had been drinking (would get really upset if i just spoke to another man)

MissFenella Mon 16-Apr-12 21:39:47

Putting sugar in my hot drinks and denying all knowledge when I mused that it tasted 'sweet'. This went on for weeks.

Saying his hairdresser was trained by Vidal Sassoon.

Pursuing me when I was 11 and he was 19.

Blaming the contact details for escorts I found on his Dad.

Giving me VD,

After I ended it, telling my friends I had cancer and that is why I dumped him.

sunrise65 Mon 16-Apr-12 21:40:18

here's another that maybe you could tell me what you think...

told me he * presumed* i was on the pill ... we ended up having a child together

Anniegetyourgun Mon 16-Apr-12 21:41:48

Lied to me about silly, pointless, easily disprovable things

Accused me of flirting with other men

Developed an irrational loathing of my (once very close) extended family

Belittled my interests and hobbies

Strangely addicted to collecting old rusting bits of cars

But he was very kind to small children and animals (if not always very good at looking after them).

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 16-Apr-12 21:42:28

Oh yes, the lying! XH lied about his age because he thought I wouldn't marry him if he was a year younger. hmm They got bigger and badder and more ridiculous. A couple of years after we split I'd suddenly remember something and think 'he lied about that too!'.

His ex was a total bitch.

Driving at high speed (100mph plus) even though he knew it scared me.

Gaslighting... I thought I was going mad.

Sunny yes, mine did the 'favour' thing.
Sunrise have never read the Lundy book. Yet. So no influence there.
Another one. Very mean, but when he had done something quite abusive, and he was worried I would go, would buy me something, not large, but enough for me to think, 'Oh, he does love me, he's just a bit gauche and immature...'

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Mon 16-Apr-12 21:52:09

sunrise I don't understand the pill thing...could you elaborate?

Oh hell yes!
Mine could lie for England. Walter Mitty personified. And always filled the kettle, despite about 2" being enough...said he never remembered, but after 20 yrs...small thing, just designed to irritate.

Sunny I got the gaslighting, but not at the beginning.

Annie mine collected old hoovers...have just put one ready for him to collect.Think there's a couple more in the attic. For the love of Pete, why?!

ScorpionQueen Mon 16-Apr-12 21:58:25

Slagging off his ex gfs for being totally mad- afterwards I realised he would no doubt be saying the same about me, although ending it was the sanest thing I ever did.

Sunrise yes, why did you never have the convo about that, prior to err insertion....
Scorpion mine never did that, think he realised I wouldn't like it, but all his ex's details were tippexed out of his address book, which I realised later might have been so I couldn't contact them. If he had just crossed them out, I could have read them, and he was too mean to buy a new book.

WhippingGirl Mon 16-Apr-12 22:02:43

'doing me unasked for 'favours', and getting shirty when I wasn't sufficiently grateful.'

aaaargh!!! another EA tactic i hadn't even realised exp did. crap.

where to start really.........i tell you what though in my younger days i used to feel threatened if blokes i dated were still chummy with their exes - now complete opposite - within reason id see it as a huge positive and proof they arnt fecking mad!!! I was completely suckered that the ex was the bitch from hell and i felt so sorry for him that she had chewed him up. now id shake her hand i really would. i wuld never invade someones privacy like that but if i ever had the chance to meet her id take it and prob end up laughing together about what a cock he is!

whip you're quite right...mine used to pretend to be insecure about his looks. Actually he is quite handsome, its his effin horrible personality that is the problem...

Squeegle Mon 16-Apr-12 22:10:38

Telling me that his ex was so emotional, she would lie on the floor weeping . He said he used to step over her. I thought she must have been really weak..... Why did I not think more about that scenario??

MinnieBar Mon 16-Apr-12 22:14:22

Eating chocolate in front of me and saying 'but you can't have any, because you're overweight'. angry but he turned into a total lard-arse after we split, ha!

Telling me that we were both more intelligent than everyone else we knew, and that the most stable couples were ones where the man was just that bit more intelligent than the woman hmm so we would be fine then (think we lasted just under four years, which seems ages in the circs but hardly a medal-winning amount).

WhippingGirl Mon 16-Apr-12 22:18:25

minniebar - oh look its my exp again! def the bit about perceived superiority thing ha ha

squeegle - i was that girl lying on the floor weeping :-(

Anniegetyourgun Mon 16-Apr-12 22:20:24

Just think, MinnieBar, if he really had been more intelligent than you you might still be with the bugger. What a good thing he wasn't.

I can remember banging on the bathroom door, shouting "You never effin listen to a word I say". You could say things to him, and he would have no reaction. Light on, nobody home...

Lizzabadger Mon 16-Apr-12 22:22:29

Expecting me to pay for everything.

Being controlling about what I ate.

Being controlling about what we did together.

Being cagey about when he could see me and changing plans at short notice.

Introducing me to his friends like I was some sort of specimen.

Totally over the top gestures of apology when I had complained mildly about something.

Quick declaration of 'love'.

Over flattering.

Presents that were all about him, rather than things I would like.

Petty lies that then turned into whopping lies.

Kept telling me how "nice" he was. Over keen to be seen as nice by everyone so would do huge and ridiculous favours.

Many of his family and ex-colleagues no longer spoke to him fir undisclosed reasons.

squashedbanana Mon 16-Apr-12 22:23:03

Kept going on and on about his ex being a bitch...a lying bitch...a lazy bitch...a greedy bitch...a cheating bitch. His justification for being tight was because his ex was a gold-digging bitch

Lied, gaslighted

He never apologised or took responsibility for his actions/behaviour. it was always because i or my daughter had wound him up

Would fly of the handle over the smallest thing, I was left walking on eggshells, wondering what the hell was wrong

Told our son to ignore me then told my son I was mean because I didn't find that amusing.

Whenever I questioned his behaviour he would get aggressive and defensive, would then complain of being treated like a second class citizen, though he could never expand on why he felt that way

Didn't want to marry his ex. She railroaded him, she said she thought they should get engaged, he agreed. She told everyone they were engaged so he felt obliged and compelled to go through with it

I feel a mug but at the time he was so good at playing the victim, and he was so sweet, generous and attentive that I felt sorry for him and wondered how any woman could be so mean to him

Told me he loved me within the first month

Superiority complex, expressed an opinion and expected to be agreed with

A propensity of bursting into tears and locking himself in the bathroom of challenged

Was jealous and suspicious

Not sure if this is true or just children telling tales...his niece told my daughter she saw him draw a picture of me and kiss it and cuddle up to it when he went to sleep at night

I'm a mug...but learned some bloody good lessons for the future

A past boyfriend got shown the door when he told me 95% of men beat their women and I should be grateful he didn't hit me. He was made to leave IMMEDIATELY!

Becky36 Mon 16-Apr-12 22:24:50

Bloody hell where to start.

1. All exes are nutters/psychos/bitches. You however 'understand him'. He has never felt like this before.

2. Lying. Pathological lying about everything.

3. Has no real friends. Has drinking buddies but no close friends.

4. Makes snide comments about your friends or family or both.

5. Makes equally snide comments about 'not coming first'.

6. Jealous without any reason to be.

7. No relationship with his family.

8. Everyone in his life has wronged him in some way. Nothing is ever, ever his fault.

9. Encourages you to confide in him about personal stuff and then turns it against you later.

10. I had an ex who had no bank account, no furniture of his own, no car, no nothing, just the clothes on his back.Didn't matter to me, not bothered about money but he lied about the reasons. Turned out he had been prosecuted for fraud and had his accounts closed down and seized. Lied about this to the bitter end.

11. Brags about women he has hurt in the past but then insists he has changed.

12. Takes offence about the most minor of what he perceives to be criticisms of him. Out of proportion sulking and tantrums. However if he upsets you then you are expected to get over it and to stop going on about things.

Could go on and on and on.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 16-Apr-12 22:30:07

I've remembered a couple more.

Another ex who was massively threatened by my intelligence - dealt with arguments in a sub-Dennis Waterman style...

ExH lied after we split and told me he had Hepatitis. Lying shit.

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