So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

Shelly,

I suspect he won't consider himself lucky. :(

In fact, he's done the usual script to insinuate himself back. He had to go as far as apologising , but it worked, as his usual tactics.

Unfortunately, he is likely to feel as entitled as ever. Only threading a little more carefully for a while.

But now he "knows" he'll be forgiven.

i left my violent exdp when our dd was 1. so she never saw dv.

but when i was in 6th form, i was in a group of 4. we all went out socialising every week. but 1 friend hardly came. we didnt know why, she also told us she wasnt applying for uni. she was by far the cleverest of all of us. we went off to uni and she stayed at home- we eventually found out- to try to protect her mum.

she got her to leave at one point, but she went back. my friend gave up on her at this point- about 1995 id guess. she ended up marrying young, divorcing young and not speaking or seeing her mum for 13 years.....until the bastard died.

my friend didnt cut her mum off, just simply told her she was welcome, but her dad wasnt. she chose him.

she got introduced to her 6 & 4 year old gd's and my friends 2nd husband.

luckily my friend was strong enough to regonise that the 1st marriage was a mistake, was strong enough to apply to uni a few years later.

her life is good now, she's an accountant, with a lovely husband and family, but she went through hell to get here.

not something i would wish for my dd's or anyone elses.

I've signed myself up for counselling at work, waiting to get an appointment.

Things are awkward, like we're tip-toeing around each other. I've been short with him all week and now I'm the bad guy.

math are you saying I'm a codependent? :(

jifnotcif I told him what you said and he was like 'What? Who?' lol

Doll, in his head it is all your fault and always will be because da are masters of manipulation and as far as he is concerned you have effectively told him you won't leave whatever he does. You need to leave. You know this, we all know this

I know.

Ah, you're the bad guy?

So already, he's not tiptoeing - you are.

And he's beginning to puff himself up again.

GET SHOT.

For your daughter's sake.

You are getting to the point where 'doing everything to give it your best shot' becomes 'not doing enough to properly protect her.'

You say you know but you are still hoping things can be good. And that feeling is stronger now.

It is a scary and lonely place when we give up that hope. :(

I don't know how your conversation on the phone went, but he is not showing any regret at all is he?

Remember how you felt when you were away? How does that compare to now?

Sweetheart you know what you need to do.

I read your first post, then I scrolled down to here to find you're still with him?.

That really, really doesn't make sense. I shall now read through.

What point would you say you are at right now?

My mum was a victim of DV, after witnessing it in her parents relationship.

I am pleading with you. PLEASE GET HIM GONE! "lose" your keys, change the locks, DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!

My mum did not want to be a single parent, did not want us to lose our dad. She did not want to end the relationship.

I vividly remember my elder sister holding me and my younger sister whilst my dad was strangling and otherwise beating the living crap out of my mum, whilst we were crying and my sister was trying to shield my eyes from what was happening. I was 5, my sisters were 11 and 2. It was 27 years ago, and that shit is seared into my memory.

My mother got a burst eardrum, and has had long term health problems as a result of the abuse.

It has had a long term effect on the mental health of myself and my big sister, due to a family history of psychosis and our use of pot, but childhood stresses can also be another mitigating factor in mental illness.

When I started getting into relationships, I used to freeze up whenever a man even touched my neck from the front. This only stopped when I got CBT at 26 for depression, (which happened before the psychotic illness). My elder sister has had similar health issues but in her case it was much, much worse.

My mum finally made the break, and I remember staying in a DV shelter and having to be driven to primary school by some kind of support worker or something. I was 6 at the time they got divorced.

You and your DD in the long term are better off without him. Leave or kick him out, before she has the chance to remember him being abusive. If you do this I strongly recommend having someone else in your home when you do this. DO NOT LET HIM PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN!

Some of my relationships have been verbally abusive, or controlling, but I have managed to break the cycle of physical abuse in my relationships, and my current partner is a sweet and compassionate guy with whom I am considering adopting a child with at some point in the future, if my mental heath history doesn't count me out.

There is no being reasonable with a violent and controlling man.

Thats a very moving post Feminist, I just hope that Nini appreciates that you, and your sisters, are her DD right now.

Thank goodness you are breaking the cycle :)