So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

oh you mean the bronze like statue that look quite rude yes it is a little odd but quite endearing when you live here. And you must mean Pittville Pump rooms which is where you can get the water, my cousin actually came all the way down here from Manchester to get married there

I've been to the pump rooms, very nice inside :)

Another difficult day. DD has been a pain all day long, think she's teething, lots of tantrums over very little and refusing to sleep. :(

I had a phonecall on my mobile this evening from husband's nan. Which is VERY strange, she never ever rings me (FIL also lives with her so could have been him). I didn't answer it as I figured it was husband playing a game,that he'd decided last minute to stay there. But he gave me the fright of my life when he walked through the door at half 9.

He tried to engage me in mundane conversation again but I just asked him why I had a missed call from his Nan. He sounded surprised, said he didn't know, it could have been his Dad and he'd call her tomorrow. I repeated my question and he said he didn't know but he'd spoken to his Dad yesterday. Something's going on. I don't know what, I don't like or trust his family (the feeling is mutual).

He's going away for work tomorrow until Friday, so I'll have some peace at least.

To make matters worse - my idiot neighbour has gone away and left the house to her wanker son who is currently playing ridiculously loud music. This lad has made my life a misery ever since we moved in and he started having his underage drinking parties. He KNOWS we have a 1 year old! Husband as always completely ignores the sound and carries on doing what he's doing. I've gone and knocked (like I always do) but as always the music is so loud they don't answer.

Nini.

He will be away for four days. Use this time to sort out a plan to get away from him, whether that's getting him out of the house or you going somewhere else.

Every day you stay and have pointless arguments about phone calls is another day to smooth over what has actually happened and your realisation of the monster you are stuck with.

The sooner you work something out, the sooner you don't have to worry anymore about his stupid family or what they're up to or whether he's coming home or whatever.

You are so happy to have peace until Friday. Why aren't you doing what you need to do to get yourself peace every day forever?

You have a lot more power and options than you realise, but you need to talk to some people and get the ball rollling.

For gods sake get out while he's away. Perfect opportunity to leave, I think you've already decide you're gonna stay in which case you're putting yourself and LO in danger take our advice the women who have been through it and come out the other side sorry to be harsh but I do know what I'm talking about don't wanna put life story on here but will gladly pm you. You are worth so much more than this!

I know bohemian. I asked him for space, he's given me none cept where he has to because of work. I can't really leave, I won't leave the cat and I don't trust him not to trash my belongings while I'm gone.

So I need him to be gone. But he won't go voluntarily. :(

Tonight's issue with the neighbour has been a long standing problem in our marriage - he has NEVER asked them to keep the noise down and likes to pretend it doesn't exist when it happens. When I was 8 months pregnant and they had a massive party and I couldn't sleep, he just told me to use the blow-up bed in the other room. I promised myself if he didn't change his stance on this I would have serious concerns, so aside from the bigger issue of DV, I know there are other issues.

A point about our finances (this is long-winded). We keep our money separate. This is my insistance (he wanted a joint account) as he's so controlling with money. Every month when he gets his statement he pours through it exclaiming "Where one earth did THAT come from?" and mulling it over for 5 mins until he realises its legit. It makes me stressed just being in the room with him and it isn't even my money!

Anyway, we pay different bills and settle with each other at the end of the month (I usually owe him some as the mortgage comes out of his account). When we got married I paid the bulk of it (I spent almost £2.5k on credit cards as he point blank refused to do any of it), I got a bit carried away. It took me a long time to pay it all off. I was almost in the black when DD arrived, but as I only had maternity pay and still bills, plus I was at home all day with her for 6 months, my finances crumbled again. He 'went easy' on my part of the bills but I didn't find out for months that he was pocketing all the child benefit (I asked him to complete the forms as DD was tiny and I was still recovering from birth), when he never bought nappies, or milk, or clothes, or toys or anything for DD, I did.

It's complicated but that's where it stands at the moment. I'm bringing my debt down slowly (about £2k overdrawn). He has savings as he earns more and has less outgoings than me. That's the gist.

apparently Im invisible, but anyway you get out and sort all the shit later I was in a joint tenancy and had to get ex out it can be done you cant honestly believe that he is just gonna lie down and take it, he wont believe me. I had no money except for meagre child benefit, he worked full time he has never bought one item for dd it is your safety that is of paramount importance. Take the cat with you we are all only trying to help I can't bear to think of you as unhappy as i was. You need to get some fire in your belly and fight. Fight for you and your little girl.

Sorry ginger, we X posted :( And you're absolutely right, I need to fight back. I know someone at work who has a lot of solicitor-type friends, I'm planning on sitting down with her and a cuppa tomorrow and asking for a bit of legal advice.

I'm not afraid of him or what he could do to me. He won't touch DD, he has to play the 'I've been wronged' card.

Honey, I'm sorry I just read back what I wrote and I sound like a cow. You may be elligible for legal aid and you can get an order for you to stay in the house. I do understand where you are coming from its all so difficult didn't mean to be so aggressive but I just wanna save you from the crap weve been thru I'm 29 and I feel 50 because of what I've been thru. Just remember you need to look after your LO and you can't do that from a hospital bed. Not exaggerating its what happened to me luckily my ex didnt want my babies

That's ok ginger, I think I need a good kick up the backside. :) I've just turned 28 and feel 50, know exactly what you mean! I know my husband will fight to the bitter end to get 'rights' to DD, so I admit I'm a bit put off by that inevitable stressy battle.

Tomorrow the plans start. The thought of spending the weekend with him in the house fills me with dread.

And I still havn't even had an apology. Life really sucks. :(

Listen to ginger -- she's very wise!

If he won't go then you have to find a way to get him out.

You can see a solicitor for free for a short consultation. Yes, talk to your friend, but this is not something to solve over a cuppa, you do need 'fire in your belly', go out and talk to someone in a professional capacity and find out what your options are.

The man has assaulted you, he should be in jail, if you are not willing to do that then at least do everything you can to get him out of your house.

Also you can get a non molestation order so he can't come to your address and if he does you call the police and they come get him

Thanks bohemian :) I know it's hard sweetheart and I do know the worries about the kids. My ex sees my eldest at a contact centre and won't see my little one. He won't 'get' the baby you are her mother and he will not win. I don't advise the police assault route my ex got off despite numerous visible injuries inc broken nose so wouldnt put yourself thru that but you don't need to put up with it. It will continue and it will get worse The beginning of my story is so like yours its what got me and made me need to post.

Thanks both. :) Gonna toodly-pip to bed now, the cat is already curled up waiting for me. First day back at work since 'it' happened, so should be interesting.

Thanks again as always :)

take care lovely x

Hi nini I've just read your thread. I don't think I can really add anything to the fabulous advice you are getting.

But I just wanted to add my voice to the concern for your welfare. I also think you should get the heck out of there, but of course that's a decision you need to make yourself, I know.

One thing that I think you should think about is that your DD is growing up and will be taking more note of what goes on around her. Do you want her to grow up thinking that the relationship you have with DH is normal, is what a relationship should be? What if she grew up and had a DH who treated her the way your DH treats you? I very nearly split with my DH about a year ago (thankfully he has fingers crossed turned over a new leaf and us being fab). But the thing that gave me the strength to say ' either change or I will leave ' was thinking about DD and the messages I want to give her about how relationships should work. (DH wasn't abusive, he was just being a massive prick).

I hope you keep posting, there's so much support for you and I know everybody will be here for you whatever you end up deciding to do.

Your DH doesn't pay for his own daughters' food or nappies!?!!??!

But that's a side issue, and I feel like you are getting bogged down in side issues.

Prioritise: your DD and you first, then the cat, then your belongings. If you leave, the cat can go with you in a cat basket.

If you stay, you need to talk to police and solicitors about how to keep this creep out of your home.

You say he would never touch your DD. I'm sorry, but I believe you are wrong. Every woman who's partner had ever hit their kids always says 'I never thought he'd hit the kids'. It's part of the pattern. Please get help.

The thought of spending the weekend with him in the house fills me with dread

That tells you something. Think about it.

And I still havn't even had an apology. Life really sucks

Yeah, an apology will do it.

Why do you want an apology? So you can carry on living with him as he is 'sorry'?

Worrying about him having access to your dd would be MUCH less of a concern if you actually pressed charges against him for what he did to you! He ASSAULTED you, twice. (Punched you whilst you were lying in bed, and then injured your knee in a separate and very dangerous incident).

While he is gone call the police DV unit and tell them you want to press charges against him for what he did. Go see an actual solicitor for an actual appointment and get legal advice about getting a non-molestation order in place.

Call the child benefit line and request the child benefit be put in your name, the mother. Explain you are/were in abusive relationship and that he put it in his name but the child is seeing none of it.

I'd think you have a good case to claim a lot of money off him (including on the house) as he led you into debt while not contributing towards your DC and you working only PT to take care of said DC.

Please do get rid of him.

Go strait to a solicitor.

Straight, or you'll find yourself in dire straits. :)

I have re-read your posts, OP and please forgive me for saying so, but it appears you are looking for excuses to stay.

With the 4 days he is away it really is the ideal opportunity to get everything organised. By the time he returns you, your DD and the cat (in a basket) can be gone. I understand how difficult it is, enormously difficult, BUT you are never going to have as good a chance to leave us now. I fear if you do not go over the next couple of days, you may never leave at all. Maybe you can have a serious think about that...now or never?

The ideal opportunity to ensure the safety for you and your daughter is NOW NOW NOW! As someone else said the freedom and peace you have until Friday, you could have EVERY DAY if only you can find the courage to leave.

I do not mean to be harsh but Please think about it and good luck with whatever you decide.

This is the most frustrating thread I've ever read. Grrrrr.

Nini, I'm also worried you are not going to get rid of him.

You have police involvement, you have 4 days with him away to make all sorts of plans, you have people on this thread offering a place to stay, and it doesn't sound like you are going to do anything.

Please, at the very least, go see a solicitor right away and get the process moving.

You cannot possibly predict exactly what he will do or how bad things will get.

Do you think all those women whose children were battered, who themselves ended up dead, predicted that this would happen? Obviously not.

God forbid if someday he does hit your daughter, and you have to live with the knowledge that you could have gotten him out of your lives but didn't. I'm sorry if that's harsh but I think you need to really see how bad things can get if you do nothing.

Just to reiterate that I would come and get you and take you wherever you wanted to go if you needed me to I hope you're ok hun x

I've just read this whole thread in tears

I have no experience in DV but I agree with everyone else, you need to get yourself, the cat and most importantly your daughter away from this man, imo he is already abusing your daughter by waking her, sleep deprivation is abuse, get her away from him before she witnesses any more abuse against her mother or god forbid herself.

I'm no where near you (I'm in kent) but if you want somewhere to stay then you and your daughter are welcome to the spare room (the cat is welcome too)

Please stay safe x