So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

I don't really know what I feel tbh. Confused, shamed, tired, angry, plus a whole host of others.

I have nobody I know really well enough to ask to be there if he did get violent. I really don't. I'll wait and see if he does come home. It does sound awful to say "I'll wing it", but here I am saying it. The copper who came round earlier said he's going to put me in touch with people who can help.

Please take care of yourself. You have a lot of good advice on here, far better than anything I could give. I don't know you personally but I am thinking about you. Things are going to be hard but I hope you come out the other side to better things xxx

Take the police up on that offer of referral to people who can help, and phone Women's Aid yourself 0808 2000 247.

The police are taking this seriously Nini. They do not want to end up photographing a crime scene.

Please have your phone with you and dialed, ready just to press the call button when he comes back.

Thanks guys, math I told the copper I definitely want some help and he's going to ring me. Waiting on tenderhooks to see if he comes home tonight.

The coppers told me that there's a '3 strikes' system where kids are involved so if I have to call them twice more social services will have to be informed. I know this is just a precaution (I used to work with social workers) but I admit my blood did run cold a bit.

The police are being very lax about this as far as I can see - Nini I think it's normal for abused women to downplay and minimise what has happened, it may be that you've done that when speaking to the police and that's why they haven't taken this as seriously as they should have?

Have you had these fights with DH before? I'm not getting a clear picture of what's been going on before this attack.

They are trying to get you to see that even if you feel it's ok for you to live with this, you need to consider the possible effects on the child. Have a think about this.

I am glad you have been responsive to the offer of help from that quarter. I think you should follow up if a return call isn't made to you. Ask for the police dv unit if the officer you spoke to isn't available (sometimes they are not there to talk immediately when you call, out on duty, etc)

horsetowater We've had arguments before but only once before have they turned physical - In Jan 2010 he tried to strangle me when he came home drunk (I'd asked him not to get drunk or be home late so confronted him when he got in). And no, I didn't do anything about it then.

I don't know if I downplayed it, I don't think so. I didn't actually cry, but not sure if that makes any difference. They were blokes though, that surprised me.

Nini hello again. Tomorrow do you think you get the locks changed? If you ex P comes back for clothes, you could have them left in a waterproof bag outside, or with a neighbour (if that is really a concern). You do need to take your physical safety seriously.

Men who abuse women don't change. They may plead and say sorry, they may tell you they love you, they don't know what came over them, they'll die without you, they won't ever do it again. But in the vast majority of cases the abuse gets worse. Don't become another headline on the news. You owe it to yourself, and to your DD - get out and build a fresh life for yourself. As you do so, take things very carefully and don't feel bad about ending this relationship. Normal loving relationships do not look like this. This is not a normal way for a man to treat a woman (or vice versa). Have faith in your gut instinct. He treats you badly. You know what it feels like. Be strong.

If you used that word 'only' then you downplayed it. If that is how you see it in your mind's eye then you are telling yourself something too.

I like the idea of leaving clothes outside for him.

Wondering why you are surprised the police were men. (Small detail)

Sorry, I was midpost when the cat stood on the laptop and shut it down!

Hi again lego and thank you :)

math I guess I was surprised that they didn't send a female as I thought they usually did in these situations. Not that I have any issue with talking to a male copper about this stuff, and they were lovely and supportive :)

He's come home tonight. He tried to offer me a bag of jelly babies but I said I didn't want them and shut myself in the bedroom. He said through the door that he was going out 'to get out of my way' so could I leave the spare duvet and his pillows on the landing so he doesn't disturb me or DD, and he asked me not to lock the door. I've done that, and now I'm in bed. He's doing exactly as I thought he would, acting quiet and puppyish like he always does when we row. I know you'll all be very concerned that I've let him back in, and please don't think I'm ignoring all the wonderful advice I've been given. I'm thinking things through very carefully.

I'm not afraid. I don't know what I feel. This is a very minor point but I am pissed that he tried to give me jelly babies. I don't even LIKE jelly babies, I've never eaten any all the years we've been together. He doesn't even KNOW WHO I AM! He doesn't even know what SWEETS I like!

Parden me for coming out of lurking, but could this be because he is an abusive twat that you need like a hole in the head?

Nina, he bought you jellybabies because he doesn't care what sweets you like. He might even know what sweets you like but he doesn't want to give you what you want or need. Its not in his vocabulary to really care, to him it is a weakness. The sweets is him playing the part but at the same time he knows its an act.

So what are you going to do?

How are you going to end it?

Because you do have to end it. I hope you realise that much.

Call Women's Aid. They know exactly what you are dealing with and can help you figure out what to do.

Another lurker here "Agree with mathanxiety about you being locked in a struggle with him & for the good opinion of friends - "You are not in control of this in any way . This relationship will end the way your H chooses "...

Rarely post in Relationships but am very , very concerned for you , your dd and , & in fact , your cat ....- you need to stop engaging with him at all

I hope you are ok and stay ok tonight.

I agree with the others.
You must disengage from him and maybe start being at least a bit afraid.
It makes you more cautious and safer.

BTW, give the people in your life a chance. They may seem engrossed in their lives, but at least some will probably come for you if they know what you are going through.
Don't try to do it alone, at least in RL.

I have found the support of family and friends invaluable, even just to talk about it and share experiences.

You may be surprised. :)

So jellybabies make it all ok

That's his way of telling you this was as serious as he wants to believe it is (something you should not give him any trouble over in other words). The offer of jellybabies is quite an insult to you and an attempt to make you doubt your perceptions of what happened, make you think it was something like a playground spat.

And I am also concerned for the cat here. Not making light of anything -- I think he has it in him to hurt a defenceless little animal that never offended anyone.

The cat will have offended him - it gave comfort and strength to Nini when she needed it.

I have huge concerns as well Nini. I've said before that I am reasonably near to you and I am willing to help. I am a complete stranger and I feel that concerned for you. So if you can share with those who know you I am sure you will find offers of help. If not and you need it then do not hesitate to contact me.

Nini, so glad you reported this to the police.

Given that you have, you should be able to take out an injunction against him to keep him out of the house.

You need to phone Women's Aid to find out more about how to go about this. You may not get through straight away, but keep trying. 0808 2000 247

You won't be feeling afraid because your feelings will be on lockdown to get through the situation, but this is very very dangerous having him in the same house as you and your dd. Please don't downplay it.

I am so sorry he strangled you. That is horrifying and traumatising and you are probably still in shock about it even now. Do look for help and support from outside.

"he asked me not to lock the door."

You keep locking the door to your room if you want to. I think it's a good idea to have the bedroom door locked while you are asleep considering what he's done. Why did he ask you not to? Stay safe.

Actually I don't know what I'm saying. There is no way in the world you should be in a house with a man who strangled you.

You can ask the police to help you get to a shelter, or maybe you can speak to your parents and/or sister. Her job and their divorce are far less important than your physical safety. If they don't offer support, which would be very sad, there is still outside support from people like Women's Aid.

Hey guys. Feeling very tired today.

He came home after I'd gone to bed (I heard via Fbook that he'd been at a pub quiz with his mates). He went to work this morning without incident. He's working late tonight and all day tomorrow so at least he won't be here. I'm going to make arrangements to at least be out of the house with DD on Sunday, I might go on the train to my sister (if Mohammed won't come to the mountain...).

I'm going to ring the copper I saw yesterday in a bit to chase up the support he promised. If I don't get any joy there I will ring Women's Aid, I have their number saved on my phone.

If he ever so much as touched my cat to hurt her I WILL kill him.

ooga he meant the front door, not the bedroom door. :)

Thanks again for all your support.

This is a very minor point but I am pissed that he tried to give me jelly babies. I don't even LIKE jelly babies, I've never eaten any all the years we've been together. He doesn't even KNOW WHO I AM! He doesn't even know what SWEETS I like!

It's not minor at all. It is an incident that sits on top of a huge pile of such incidents, all of which demonstrate his total lack of understanding or empathy or respect for you as an individual in your own right. You have a right to be as upset as you want about the jelly babies.

Why after all this have you just let him move back in?

Why is he in your house at all???

Please read your own thread back to yourself.

It will be difficult for the police or anyone else to support you if he's in the house and you are with him again won't it?

believe me i know how they can minimise what has happened and get you to doubt yourself...you KNOW how bad this is...don't get sucked back in .Please.

Stop trying to be reasonable. He assaulted you, FFS. Kick him out, change the locks, and leave all his clothes in a waterproof bag outisde. Tell him he can get the rest of his possessions at a time of your choosing, when there's someone else there with you.

If you don't do it now, what will it take for you to do it? So far you've been strangled and assaulted. What will happen to your DD if next time he pushes you, you knock your head on the corner of the table as you go down? If you don't see your personal safety as something that MUST be taken seriosuly, try seeing it as keeping your DD's only hope at a good childhood alive. Because that's what you are.

And stop being ashamed of his behaviour. It's hardly your fault he's a twat!