So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

My heart goes out to you... I've been where you are now & it's confusing & disorientating & it felt so unreal to me.

You are so so brave to have made contact with the police. Show them this thread if you are having trouble explaining the detail or feel you might be making this all sound less than it really is (that's what I did for years, trying to ask for help but asking in a way that meant nobody could hear me).

I want to post a bit on that ooh gp, who was rubbish btw, but wrists ache typing so will come back to you, but just cos I am not typing doesn't mean I am not thinking about you tonight

((Hugs and Prayers)))

My heart goes out to you.

Be Safe Sweetie

Hey nini how are you this morning? so glad you've phoned the police, did you sleep ok? keep your chin up lovely, your taking the right steps to sort this out :)

I'm feeling very tired this morning. DD was coughing all night and the tixylix/vapour rub wasn't helping. But she seems fine this morning and went off to nursery happily.

I'm lying on the bed with a cuppa and the phone next to me waiting for it to ring. The cat is asleep on my back, she weighs a ton .

I have a bit of a dilemma now actually. My little sister (23 at uni about an hour from here) texted me last night to ask if she can stay for the weekend as she's trying to study and can't get any peace. I'd really like the company (and someone I can leave DD with on Sat for an hour so I can rummage at the NCT sale), but I havn't told her what's going on. If I did she'd hit the roof but she isn't great at the supporting thing (not much empathy) but I don't think its fair for her to walk into the middle of this unadvised. Any thoughts?

I think you're distracting yourself Nini. Phone your sister and tell her what's happening. She will know eventually and may be of some support to you. She's young and has time on her hands.

You will have to go through this process at some time, do it now while dd is little and you can make a fresh start (and while you've got a 23 year old who can help out with babysitting). x

Do tell your sister asap.

And go to a doctor as well. As others said, so that the injuries are recorded by an independent witness.

TBH, I'd go to the police station myself to sign the complaint if they don't ring back or show up in good time.

I spoke to a really nice Sargeant not long ago, he's sending someone over to me at midday. I'm currently distracting myself by tidying up, the house is a mess and I don't want them thinking I'm a bad Mum.

I havn't rung my sister yet but I have rung my other boss (who I work with on a Friday, she's our Occ health person and deals with this kind of thing all the time). She was lovely and we had a nice chat. She wants me to stay in contact all weekend.

A part of me is tempted to drive up to FIL's house this afternoon (it's an hour's drive away) and leave some more clothes there for husband, just so I know he hasn't got an excuse to come home tonight. I want to speak to the police first though.

DO NOT GO TO YOUR FIL

Stay home, take care of your DD and talk to the police.

I think you have to tell your sister what's going on. You are actually in a dangerous situation I know you don't think so, but you can't predict what will happen and it's only fair to let her decide whether she wants to put herself in the midst of that.

I hope the police will be helpful and set you up with some advice and support.

show the bruises get potos taken.

tell you sister.

dont drive to FIL's

if h needs clothes you can leave them otuside for him to collect or leave elsewhere

If he needs clothes he can buy some or borrow some from his dad. Its not your problem. Can you look the door so that he can't get in?

The coppers (2 chaps) have just been and gone, and they were very kind. We talked things through (and I showed them my knee). They told me that its my decision to proceed with things as I see fit so I'm going down an informal route for now. I know that's not what people want to here but I'd like this relationship to end without it having to get uglier than it already is.

If he comes home tonight I will tell him to go away again for a few days so I can straighten my head out, and I will also tell him its over. Regardless, one of us will have to stay in the house as it can't be sold due to negative equity. If he gets shirty when he comes home I will ring 999 and have him arrested this time. I'm going to ring my sister in a minute, tell her whats happened and ask her to stay for the weekend (but only if she wants to).

I'm feeling very tired but glad there is a plan now.

You say you expect him to come home - and then you will tell him it's over. How do you think he will react and will you be alone when that happens?

Can your sister be in the house?

I think that plan sounds kind of dangerous.

The last time you told him it was over he assaulted you.

It might be better to tell him over the phone it's over, ask him not to come home for a couple days to let things cool off and seek advice on how to proceed, then put your deadbolt on and if he comes over all in a rage, call the police.

I'm not sure it's kind to invite your sister into a situation where she might be assaulted. Better to keep the violent person out of the house entirely?

This plan worries me too. please plan to have someone with you when you tell him "it's over"

Well I rang my sister and she's not coming anyway - before I had a chance to tell her what was going on she started with the usual "my boss has asked me to work saturday instead of Friday and I really need the money for drinking." She's not the kind of person who does much for others in any case.

bohemian I actually told him it was over after being assaulted. Not that it really makes any difference.

I don't want him to be able to tell everyone that I "kicked him out without any clothes", and I want to be reasonable. He won't attack me again, and I'll have the phone to hand anyway. I don't have anyone I can ask to be there while we talk. His reaction will be to go all puppy dog and start thinking about how he can make himself look the victim.

You can't possibly know that he won't attack you again. This wasn't the first time, right?

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving the abusive relationship. You really need to be careful.

I'm really struggling to understand why you want to be seen as reasonable, why you care whether he has any clothes or not. He is a violent and abusive man. He is inherently unreasonable. You cannot get anywhere by being reasonable on your side, you are only putting yourself at risk.

I really don't want to scare you, I'm just really worried for you. Please be careful.

I know, bohemian, thank you.

please please don't worry about what he may or may not say about you -- you can't control that anyway, and nobody with any sense is going to take his side of the story as gospel.

Just concentrate on you and your DD and get as much support from friends as you can. Can anyone else come over for the next few days?

Your boss sounds lovely, so at least that's one area it doesn't sound like you need to worry about.

No, I don't have anyone. Aside from my sister there's no family within a 3 hour drive and my parents are mid-divorce anyway so can't see beyond themselves. All my friends here have babies and families of their own.

Yes, thankfully my boss is great. :)

Please phone 99www.womensaid.org.uk/ Women's Aid00 0808 2000 247 this afternoon. You can find a local office or use the nationwide number. They are often really busy but leave a message and you will get a call back.

You need to discuss your situation with them, you need to start taking this seriously, and start making realistic plans to end this safely.

Please do not try ending this without support from people who know how to deal with men like your H. You would put yourself in terrible danger if you were to do this. There are a number of things that need to change inside yourself before you can tackle him, with help.

The first thing is that you need to start putting yourself first. The next thing, that will arise from that, is that you will start taking the abuse seriously and seeing it realistically.

You went and tidied up before the police came so that they would not think you were a bad mother. It doesn't matter what people think of you, Nini. You cannot control what people think of you.

You are thinking about bringing him clothes. He is not your responsibility. Talking with a counsellor from WA would help you to see the lunacy of this. A few years from now (unless he manages to give you a serious head injury in the meantime) you will look back at this and either feel very angry with yourself or have pity on yourself as someone who was hopelessly trying to make nice to a tyrant. Or trying to maintain the illusion of control by acting the caretaker role.

You are locked into this struggle with him and are playing the 'I am reasonable' game designed to make sure that people you know who are not even your friends (or you could ask them to help you) think well of you. They do not actually care one bit about how reasonable you look. If they are friends of his they will believe that you have horns growing out of your head if he chooses to tell them that, and that you sacrifice the neighbourhood cats on nights when there's a full moon.

This is not a game Nini. Your H is a criminal. You need to start putting yourself first, and that involves seeing about your knee.

You are not in control of this in any way. This relationship will end the way your H chooses to have it end. You are deluding yourself if you believe otherwise (this is normal for women in your position).
You really, really need help here. Please call Women's Aid, and tell them everything.

(And get to a hosp to have your knee treated)

Just seen this thread and wanted to offer support.
Keep strong and don't let the bastard near you again. You're going to have to get tough.
Take care

Women's Aid link again, sorry.

Nini

I have just read this thread through from the start. It is heartbreaking and actually quite sickening to see process of you rationalising it all, making out that you know what he will do next and so on.

Does it matter that your friends have families and babies? I have a family and a baby, and if someone who was my friend - even a vague acquaintance from a toddler group or something - knocked on my door and asked me to support them and help them because they were in your position, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I would be sending my DH round to be with you when your pathetic excuse for a husband came to collect his things.
Don't assume people won't want to help you. They will.

He says you kicked him out without clothes.

You say i kicked him out because he physically attacked me and has done before.

Your reason for chucking him out completely out weigh his complaint about his clothes and make his complaint sound pathetic.

I wonder if you still feel you are partly to blame for what he did and perhaps that is why you haven't accepted that he deserves nothing from you after what he has done.