So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

What a scary sick arsehole!

Whats worrying me most is you saying that the ball is in his court, as if whether your marriage is over is his decision.

He has no say anymore, it is YOUR decision whether to stay with him, and I pray that you dont.

Also, what you said about he wont hit you again atleast, not for a while.

It all sounds like you would have him back if he said he wanted to, and that really worries me :(

When are you going to call police if you don't get a call back? I think if nobody calls back in an hour you need to call police yourself.

Do not turn down advice to go to A&E for your knee, or offer of assistance getting there. Ask for help getting there if nothing is said.

Ask about changing locks.
You must not let him back into the house.

That jumped out at me too Countess.

Nini -- you may feel it is a hot potato that you do not want to handle but actually the ball is in your court.

Your H knows this and that is why he has gone to ground.

You feel the way you do now because you are at the moment extremely traumatised, and that powerful feeling you said you have is adrenaline/the effects of shock.

That is also why your OP focused not on the violence but on the mental aspects of it all. You are reeling.

Please reach out for the help you know is there and trust the police and emergency med people.

You say that you don't want to bring DD up in this environment.
PLEASE tell him not to come back.

Also, what you said about he wont hit you again atleast, not for a while.

Nini, this is the approach my mother took, I understand him best, I know what he is going to do next, I can control it etc etc.

I plead with you to get out of this situation. My life and the lives of my siblings were destroyed by living with a violent parent and a cowed and terrified parent. It's a horrendous path to drag your children down. And you know this, you were that child once.

Read the excellent advice on these boards. Start your escape plan. Go.

When you've just gone through the sort of incident that you have experienced in the last 24 hours, your instinct is to curl up in a ball and wish it would all go away, wish the non-stop barrage of action would stop so you could just be still for a minute. But there is one more mile to march here, and that is maybe the hardest -- talking to the police and getting your injury treated.

I've just taken a long bubble bath and had a nap earlier which has helped.

I guess what I meant when I said the ball is in his court is a bit of a hangup from arguments down the years - he's always said "Do YOU want to break up" never letting on about his feelings and leaving the responsibility on me (presumably so if I had broken up with him he could turn round and blame me). Well I guess I know how he really does feel now!

Havn't heard anything from the police yet and I need to go pick DD up in about half an hour. He won't come back but I will use the deadlock when I get home, just in case. My knee is bruised but feeling ok, I've taken some pictures myself.

I really need to get my head together now to see what the next step is. I'm a bit confused at the moment. Thanks as always.

You sound like you are in shock. Please will you ring someone: police, WA or CARP any of them, just so someone can talk to you in RL.

I am near you in S Worcs, if I can do anything then you can PM me.

When he said 'do you want to break up?' what he was doing was daring you, and also trying to gauge what you were afraid of more, life with him or life without him.

Nini -- too much time has passed without getting a call back.

You need to call the police.

You need to focus on what he did to you, physically, yesterday. Sort out your head later. You need to deal with the physical attack today.

The rest can wait.

Please call the police. That is the next step.
Tell them you have to pick up your DD soon. Tell them you need someone to come around and that you possibly need help getting to the hospital.

You cannot use the deadlock. If you think you have any control here over this man you are wrong.
Do not throw yourself on his mercy.

Do not leave your knee untreated. You need to go to A&E.

How he feels is secondary.

What he did and how your knee is is the Number One thing to deal with now.

Sorry for a bit of a delay, I did eventually get a callback from one of our local coppers (who I've met before several times so it was a bit embarrassing). She was very nice and talked me through how things work. Someone will be coming out to see me tomorrow - I'll get another phonecall before they do, so I'll have to take another day off work.

As for my knee, it's really ok, a bit sore but painkillers are helping and I can walk on it. I really don't fancy a 3 hr wait in A&E just to be told the same thing. :)

I have an RL friend giving me a ring later, she lives far away but has been there for me through the years of crap and knows both husband and me well. :)

That sounds really good -- I hope she'll be helpful tomorrow.

Did she tell you what to do if your H comes back tonight? Please be careful. I know you said he won't come back but you never know.

She said to ring 999 immediately with my crime ref number. But he won't come back. He's probably at his Dad's drowning his sorrows. Within 24 hours his whole family will know (they ALL gossip) and they'll either have closed ranks or told him we're being stupid and to sort it out.

Thanks again for all your constant support, even if I'm not the best at following it :( The last 24 hours would have been 10 times worse without you all.

You're doing really great my dear. I know it must be really hard but stay strong.

You are right, he is wrong. Try to hang onto that simple fact at least, I'm sure at some point you will have to deal with a lot of BS from your H and his family but they are wrong.

Try to focus on your little girl and the wonderful life the two of you can have together without his abuse.

How did you know the police officer? Wondered if you had spoken to them about him before.

Hi poopoo, no, we have a problem with druggie homeless guys in the area so I'm always ringing them about that. :)

I'm so pleased you're in touch with the police. Thinking of you and your dd.

Thanks ninja :)

Nina the point of going to A&E is to have it documented, that it happened the night you said it did, and the way you said it did, and that it was serious enough to make you seek out treatment.

That being said, contact with the police is a very good thing.

Be brave now, and tell them what happened. Do not try to say it was your fault because you scratched him or whatever; he has no right to do the things he did to you under any circumstances. And tell them about previous times even though you have no proof.

I am very glad you have a RL friend who can hold your hand through this.

Shouldn't it be documented via my convo with the OOH doc? I did tell him the cause.

thanks math, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow and having a chat with the copper. Even just a chance to talk is nice.

couldn't definitly say it would be recorded by OOH GP.
The photos you took it could be argued were taken at any time not necessarily last night.
You need to get a professional to SEE and RECORD your knee for use at a later date if needed.

Hi Nini, glad you are still posting, have some RL support, and that you have been in contact with the police. Don't feel guilty about separating from this guy - really, life is too short to waste time with people who don't give you the love and respect you deserve. Keep strong.

They will not document a conversation in the way it needs to be. The way your injuries looked is the key, or else anyone could describe anything over the phone.

Unless the ooh doctor saw it, he has no way of verifying and you don't know if he even made a note of the call.

As AnyFucker said, he would have needed to set eyes on it and also maybe gauged your general demeanour (upset, shaken, vs. jolly, normal) Anyone could call and say they had a non-bleeding injury if you think about it, and could attribute it to anything they wanted. Hence requirements to actually go to a doctor and have injuries that happen at work seen asap after they happen for workers comp.