So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

'I've just turned 28 and feel 50, know exactly what you mean! I know my husband will fight to the bitter end to get 'rights' to DD, so I admit I'm a bit put off by that inevitable stressy battle.'

This is why you need to tell the police more and why you should have gone to the hospital with your injury.

All is not lost however. You need to contact WA.

You need to talk to a solicitor.

One thing you need to understand about the man you are dealing with is that he could set fire to the cat, beat the baby, knock you senseless and still put in an Oscar worthy performance as The Victim because nothing he does and nothing you do and nothing you say will ever convince him that he is anything else, or that he is responsible for what he does to you and that baby.

The only thing that would wipe the smile off his face would be for the law to tell him that he is in fact going to be held responsible.

I guess I want an apology because I want him to recognise what he's done, not ignore it. We've been together for nearly 9 years, he owes me that. He cared for me once, I know he did, and now I feel like he looks at me like I'm nothing. I know it sounds pathetic.

mushroomsoup why is this the most frustrating thread you've ever read? :(

I went back into work today and had lunch with a work colleague who was physically abused by her ex years ago. We had a long chat about things and she gave me some legal advice and told me lots of things I need to think about.

He is NOT going to get away with this. But I don't want to leave my home. He needs to be the one to go and not come back. And if people ask why he's not here, I will tell them (which I know will make him mad). He needs to pay, and he will. I have a few days to work on a plan - I will ring CARP again tomorrow to update them.

DD is definitely teething, she's been terrible tonight. :(

Thank you all for advice and offers of safe homes. I am eternally grateful.

Glad you're making plans and have someone to talk to. Poor little one teething horrible for her and so not what you need! Take care sweetheart hope you're friend gave you the impetus to take control hope dd feels better tomorrow xxx

Thanks ginger :) . I'm going to get out my study books in a minute, I have a diploma exam in 2 months and have fallen behind since last Tuesday.

Good on you I'm impressed I'm laying on the sofa half asleep lol

Trust me that's what I'd much rather be doing right now ;)

:)

You can take your cat with you if you leave - I did, I couldn't bear to leave him.

If you have access to money now then start looking for a tenancy in a house or somewhere like a basement flat with it's own entrance. Try local papers and post office/supermarket noticeboards as you tend to bypass agents' fees and it should be quicker. Even if they say no pets, arrange to meet the landlord anyway, make sure you look well presented and come across as a nice, normal person and then ask very politely if it would be okay that you have a small and very well-behaved cat who doesn't spray or scratch the furniture. Quite often it is dogs that landlords aren't keen on, and if you don't appear to be a "crazy cat lady" then that will help their opinion of you too!

If you don't have access to money at the moment, or can't find a tenancy, there are animal charities who will look after your pet in volunteers' homes (not catteries) while you stay in a refuge.

It might be simpler to get him to leave, but it's an option for you to leave too. Then you'd get rid of the husband and the noisy neighbour in one go! :)

I also think that this is the most frustrating thread I have ever read. You are abused, you are so angry and sad, and yet you let him stay under the same roof as you. You say it's because you don't want to leave your home, but you are being abused Nini- At this point, you just need to get away from him. Your safety and your DD's safety is far more important than the house. He has been abusive. Tell him not to come home and that you will phone the police if he does. This situation has gone far beyond nicey-nicey divorce- He isn't going to play nice.

What really jumped out was that you were saying what a bad relationship model your FiL displayed- What relationship model will your DD be seeing if this goes on?

Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Please. For your lovely innocent little girl.

Bertie, thanks :) Our cat was abused in her last home and gets very upset when you so much as buy a new table, so I'd like to keep her close by unless its an emergency as she doesn't cope with change.

dogeared I hear you. That is exactly what I am intending to say to him, but I want to make plans first. Before Friday. Thanks for writing to me :)

'I guess I want an apology because I want him to recognise what he's done, not ignore it. We've been together for nearly 9 years, he owes me that. He cared for me once, I know he did, and now I feel like he looks at me like I'm nothing. I know it sounds pathetic'

An apology is sadly the one thing you will not get.
Do you honestly think he is behaving like a man who feels he owes you something?

You are much closer to the mark when you say he looks at you as if you were nothing.

You will not get an apology because as far as he is concerned he has nothing to apologise for, as he has done nothing wrong.

Forget hankering after an apology that will never ever happen, and get your dd away from this man.

Nini, please have a look at this:

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

This tells you how to get a non-molestation order, so that you can stay in your house and your DH has to leave.

If you go to a family law solicitor tomorrow, maybe if you're lucky you can get an injunction by the time your DH comes back. But in any case, the sooner you go, the sooner the process will start.

You say you need to make plans, I don't know how much you really need to do? Go to a solicitor. Get the ball rolling.

It's great you are talking to people but it's really the court that will help you out of this, so legal help is the best way forward.

Nini this thread is so frustrating to read for all the reasons everyone else is listing.
Nothing is changing in your life, despite the way you are feeling. If you really wanted DP to leave your house you would have gone to the police. And I'm afraid it's as simple as that.
My friend had a quite controlling husband - no DV but emotionally distant and controlling of her time and friendships. One day in early Feb he got one of the DCs by the neck and threw her to the ground because she had cheeked him. She rang the police. They are already at the decree nisi stage, she is the house with the children and the locks were changed.
I know it's not easy, but neither is it that hard.

Hi Nini,

Glad to hear you are making plans. I know some people are frustrated - because they understand more than you do the need to resolve this quickly, before your DH does anything worse to you or your DD (or your cat) - but I understand it's hard to let go when you're still trapped in the middle.

You're going through the 'grieving' process for your relationship, wanting it to have meant as much to him as it did to you. This is natural, but not helpful. He will never apologise - let that one go.

If you want to attend some kind of family counselling to be parents together, or try to get an apology, do it after you've had him barred from your house.

See a solicitor, asap, please.

Berts x

nini

it might be a good idea to look at things in terms of facts- things that have happened and will happen and things that are speculation.

FACTS

your dh has assaulted you
he will assault you again if you stay
he has no respect for you
at the very least he doesnt care about you, at worst he despises you
your daughter is growing up in an abusive household
only you have the power to change your daughters upbringing

SPECULATION
he might hurt your dd
he might hurt your cat
he might say sorry (doesnt mean that he means it though)

the thread is frustrating because you are reading what everyone is saying but not really listening. i know how hard it is, but you are just prolonging the agony and the inevitably. all the people on this thread are just worried that the inevitable might be something really really horrendous.

I've texted him, telling him not to come home on Friday. I've told him I'll have him arrested if he does. I'm shaking and I don't know why.

Because you're afraid he might come home?

That's good, but it has suddenly became dangerous for you because he may react violently (if he believes you).

Please do change the locks NOW! Or leave your home.

(BTW, you can't get him arrested, but you can call the police)

Have you filed an official complaint with the police, yet? If not, do it now too!

And be careful when leaving your home.

Prepare yourself to record any conversations you have with him and preferably communicate only by text or e-mail.

Also prepare yourself for emotional blackmail (suicide threats and the like). And start telling people the truth.

I hope all goes well.

I worded my text to say I'd ring the police, didnt mention being arrested (sorry not thinking straight). The police have a record of what happened, is that the same thing?

I need to find a locksmith. I know he won't be back before Friday (work will have him tied up) but after that is anybody's guess. I also said in the text that I will tell people what happened (I know that will piss him off).

I actually feel sick now.

Nini check out www.yell.com for a locksmith. I understand why you want to stay in your own home but please don't put the safety of you and DD at risk.
For those of you who don't understand why nini hasn't yet done anything about her situation, it is harder than you might think to actually make that final decision. You keep hoping against hope that they will change but in the back of your mind you know full well that they won't. It also has to be Nini's decision not ours regarding what she does now.
It took me about 2 years to finally admit to myself that things were never going to change and then thank god he left just before Xmas of his own will to go and live with the OW and left his key behind. I never let him have it back and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Speak to the police again, they may fit a panic button in your home if they feel you are in danger.

Good for you lovely so proud of you, you will need the non mol to prevent him from coming and causing a scene. I got a non mol and it was a god send. You could go to the free sessions at the solicitor. Well done for taking control and being pro active. You are so much stronger than you think you are
:) :)
:)

Well done Nini - you are very brave! And you can only get stronger from here.

Do see a solicitor asap about a non-molestation order, and keep him out of your home x

Also moomoo is right it took me years to get real and get out of the situation. You can't judge til you've been in the same position