So...what to do when he hits you and claims he hasn't? LONG

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Related to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1448343--to-expect-DH-not-to-deliberately-wake-me-up-early-in-the-mornings

And to a lesser extent on and off here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

So, 5am this morning he starts screaming at the cat (who is on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. Which hurt.

He gets up at 6:15 and stomps around the house like he always does (this is where the first thread is relevant), and at half 6 goes into DD's room to get his workclothes - he refuses to sort them out the evening before. And like always, he disturbs her, she thinks he's going to pick her up so when he leaves she starts screaming and crying. So I told him off for waking her and he throws some clothes at me and shouts at me.

I've been stewing all day about the ridiculous morning situation (and how my eyes have been opened by being on this site the last few weeks). So when I got home I moved my clothes into the wardrobe in DD's room, put his clothes on our bed (to sort out after having put DD to bed). So I put her to bed and go downstairs. I put dinner on. Suddenly he walks through the door, a good half hour earlier than normal (and he claimed he was gonna be late tonight).

He comes in, breezy and talking to me normally, which gets my back up straight away. I was a bit frosty so he goes straight upstairs (WHY OH WHY did I not tell him about the clothing arrangement then?! I'm such a fucking idiot). Next thing I know is I hear DD crying.

So I go upstairs. He's playing with her in her cot. She's supposed to be settling to sleep (she's 14 months). He knows that. I asked him "What are you doing?" He says "I'm playing with her." I say "She's supposed to be sleeping." Then I go back downstairs to finish putting dinner on.

Within a few mins I hear her screaming the place down as he's obviously left her now. Not impressed particularly with that. Then there's a great crash from our bedroom. He comes flying downstairs shouting at me "There's mud everywhere now!" I said "What? Why is there mud upstairs?" (a bit confused). He then starts yelling about me moving the clothes and how because of me the clothing rail has broken (no shit Sherlock, its been broken for most of the 3 YEARS I've been using it). So I said to him "You're being too noisy for DD. Why is she crying?" He shouts even louder that he "doesn't fucking know", slams the cupboard door by my foot that he's just taken the dustpan out of and almost knocks me into the boiling saucepan I've got in front of me on the hob.

So I lost it a bit and squared up to him. Can't remember quite what I said - bit of a red mist - something along the lines of being sick to death of him etc etc. So he shoulders me and I went back at him. Then he grabbed me and threw me into the dining room floor, knocking my back and my right knee. And he's screaming at me for "scratching his neck" and how I should "never fight him when he's bigger and stronger than me". I started crying at this point (tears of angry but also my knee was agony) got back up and just let rip with what I thought of him. How much I hate him. How I'm sick to death of him for a whole host of reasons and I won't tolerate being hit by him again. He claims he never hit me. I was totally shocked that he DARED tell me he didn't punch me in the arm this morning. According to him it never happened, please tell me I'm NOT going crazy!

I then let rip, told him exactly what I think of him, what a tosser he is, how worthless he makes me feel, how much I hate him, that it's all over. I told him to stop gaslighting me (ahh how sweet it was to see the confused look on his face when he didn't understand the term ). I told him not to come home tomorrow night as I need some space - "I'm not going anywhere" he said. I told him the door would be locked if he came home (not smart I know). I eventually had to back down and went to the kitchen, finished dinner and ate it alone while he swept up the mud upstairs. Our poor cat was so spset, she kept meowing and rubbing around my legs. I was slumped against the sink and she stood on her back legs and took my hand with both her front paws, it was amazing .

He's now in the bath on the phone and I'm in the bedroom. My right knee is in agony, it's red and feels swollen already (I have bad knees anyway, any knock to them causes this kind of pain). DD is still awake, I went in to her afterwards and cuddled her, she was happily chatting away to me. I can't believe we dragged this innocent little soul into such a shitty life, what kind of mother am I. It's making me weep . The cat is curled up closely next to me.

Turns out the 'mud' was from my little giant sunflower I've been growing for DD that was on the mantelpiece. He swept up the dirt on his stuff but has left any that fell on anything of mine. Just shows what he thinks of me. I'm worthless to him.

I don't know what to do know. My head is in tatters, I can't think straight, I've just written this as it's come to me and it happened over an hour ago. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I will probably sleep in with DD tonight to make sure he doesn't steal her away or something in the morning. Please help!

Nini you CAN do this.

Really you can. One day soon you will be free of feeling sick at the thought of upsetting him. You will have your life back and you and dd can be happy without the constant fear lurking behind every interaction between you.

Honestly, you'll get there. You are half way there now. Don't take him back. Don't end up back at the start.

Bloody hell! Well done! I didn't think you'd do it, I must admit, but this is the first day of the rest of your life. You've taken a difficult step to make your Dd's life happier and your life better.
WELL DONE

Well done. First step accomplished. Now tell the police.

That's brilliant - well done you :)

The shaking is normal. It's because it's really final this time and that IS scary - but I promise you, it will all be fine. Be kind to yourself :)

I actually feel sick now

I know the feeling. :(

Going through the motions and not quite believing it is happening.

You can do it. :)

He responded at about quarter to six to say 'Ok Nini. Take cae and look after DD for me'. Any thoughts on what that could mean?

I've been talking to a good RL friend for about two hours tonight, she was well chuffed when I read her the message I sent. I've left CARP a message to ring me tomorrow and I'll also ring the police to keep them informed.

Feeling a bit strange tonight. And a bit :(

Well done Nini -- I know you must be scared, but you have to get this man away from you.

I'm a bit worried however about you going about it like this -- you need physical and legal protection.

Change the locks.

Get to a solicitor NOW and start the process for a non-molestation order.

Talk to the police and let them know what you've done and that you are afraid of how your DH will react. There are things they can do so that you can get help much more quickly if anything happens.

Did you call CARP again? You mentioned they had a safety plan for you.

Try not to panic, just keep breathing, but focus on doing everything you can to protect yourself.

Oh sorry x-post

Who knows what his text means? Probably trying not to show he's bothered. It doesn't mean he won't freak out at some point so do be careful.

That should say *care.

I've rung CARP and left a message for them to call me in the morning. I'll also give the police a ring to update them.

Locks will be changed. I'm going to ask for details of a solicitor from CARP.

I think I know what the text means. He's playing a game, by acting all meek (exactly how his dad reacts in this situation) he's setting himself up for playing the victim.

Thanks as always to everyone for your kind messages of support. :)

It sounds like he's implying he won't see either of you again. It's a guilt tactic IMO.

He's not got his own way and now he's sulking and dd has to miss out on a father because of you.

Let him have his tantrum. You've done the right thing.

Oh good -- that sounds really good! Well done!

Let him play the victim. No one will buy it and you know the truth.

Just take care not to lower your defences while he's being meek. He's shown he can lash out at any time.

It's also got a sort of 'yeah, yeah, heard it all before, no reason to suspect this will be any different' sort of tone to it, or implying that it means nothing much to him so don't go thinking you have said anything earth shattering or worth bothering about. That 'OK Nini' bit seems a bit like he is doing an irrational person a favour and comes with a sort of shrug..

Not worth thinking about if it distracts you from getting yourself safe in the house though.

Fantastic Nini :)

I know it feels bittersweet and shocking and just horrible right now, but you taken such a major step towards freedom. It's not easy by any stretch but it will never be as bad as living with him again would be.

We're all here rooting for you and we don't know you from Adam. Doesn't that tell you that you're NOT as worthless as you feel? Stay strong :)

Women's Aid may be able to help right now. They had a local solicitor they worked with and my worker booked/took me to the appointment so I didn't have to go alone. They're also there just for a chat in the middle of the night if you feel your resolve going. 0808 2000 247

It is really really odd feeling when you do it. I think you kind of expect to be elated, and then it's not, it's kind of sheer terror/adrenaline in the moment and then you feel flat, and out of place, like you don't know what to do with yourself. (That's the adrenaline hanging around in your body, but not having any kind of useful function, so it makes you feel weird instead.)

Some people even experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after a break up like this, no matter how undramatic the actual final "break" ends up being. It's normal, so whatever you are feeling, please don't worry. Have a cry if you need to. Know that however strange it feels, you have done the right thing.

Something else which happened for me in the first few days after leaving XP was that all of the feelings I'd suppressed when I was with him seemed to happen to me all at once, or when I encountered them, it was like I was experiencing those emotions for the first time. I'd been numb for months, and I'd watch a TV programme with a slightly sad scene, and feel like I'd been cut open with a knife.

Distraction, tonight. Read a book or watch a film, and go to bed late so you're exhausted, or you'll never sleep. Talk on here as much as you need to. Phone women's aid at 3am if you feel like it :) Take things one day at a time.

that text comes over like a patronising pat on the head from the Big Man

Thanks all. Glad I'm not being overly suspicious of the text!

Bertie tbh I tend to sleep like the dead - even when v heavily pregnant! DD is teething big time however, temperature, grinding teeth, the works, so like last night I might be up and down a lot anyway. This is when a decent partner would really come in handy.

But tomorrow is a new day :)

He may think that you are showing the texts to the police as evidence so won't show his true colours. You are bound to feel weird and upset but eventually you will feel proud and powerful also you know this isn't the end of the story you will need to continue to fight but you can do it and it will all be worth it in the end. It is a grieving process and there are many stages, the relief and joy will come I promise. You are amazing and you have done the best thing. You and your little girl can now live your lives without fear or unhappiness and you will feel better. Just remember how strong you are. You should be massively proud :)

:) Just thought I'd say before I toddle off to (attempted) sleep, that I couldn't have got this far without the responses of you all on here. I am very very grateful :)

I haven't posted on this thread because I have no experience of DV but I just wanted you to know that I've been watching it and worrying for you, being angry and fruatrated for you, being sad for you and cheering you on. Wishing you well in this stage of your new life! xx

May you and your DD sleep well tonight and please remember to deadlock the door and have that phone close by x

The text is definately a cover for what he is really feeling, maybe he is hoping to lull you into a false sense of security or is trying to lick his wounds while he decides what to do next. I don't mean to scare you I just want you to be on your toes just remember I am not very far away

Oh nini well done! hope you slept well, i would consider getting a locksmith out if i were you, you would probably benefit from asking CARP for advise from benefits now too, he may decide to be a complete cock and decide not to pay the mortgage as he no longer lives there, and you could lose the home, which i think you'll agree is the last thing you'll need from all this, hope everything goes ok for you, i will be lurking so do keep posting :)

It's been a tough day, DD slept badly and had a temperature, plus a wheezy chest so I kept her off nursery. She's been very clingy all day but seems to have perked up a bit this evening.

I spoke to CARP today and apparently I can't change the locks as we have a joint mortgage. It's now a case of waiting to see if he does come home (presumably to get his clothes) and if he becomes threatening, to call the police. CARP are going to ring me on tuesday to see how the weekend went and what the next step is, they've also given me some pointers towards solicitors in our area. I've also left a message with the copper I saw last week to get him to ring me.

Actually feeling ok today.

Did you give any hint to the officer as to what your call was about? If you didn't, you should call back and leave a more detailed message about the state of things now that you have sent the text. Call and ask to speak with the DV officer at the station and if not available leave a detailed message there also.