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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i love one DC more than the other. and i feel so guilty.

97 replies

MistyMountainHop · 19/04/2012 15:58

have namechanged for this

and have wanted to post about this for ages but haven't dared until now

DS is 6 and DD is 3

i love DD more. :( i love DS in that i look after him, feed him, clothe him, and do everything i need to do as a mother. but the strength of love i feel for him is no where near as much as i feel for DD.

DS is from a prev relationship. and Dd is from my present marriage. i see DH in Dd and love her all the more for it. the bond between DH and i that having DD has created is amazing and that seems to make her even more special.

I never had that with DS dad as i didn't love him. DS was not planned and the relationship was pretty much over even when i was pg. i hated the pregnancy and was almost embarassed that i was pregnant by ex . and ds and I left ex shortly after DS was born.

i met DH when Ds was about 18 months and DH and I were completely lust love struck. and then also i fell pg with DD when DS was only 2 and a bit. so i feel i "missed out" on his toddler stage as i was completely wrapped up in my new relationship and pregnancy.

everything DD does enchants me, but i rarely feel like that about DS

i know this is rambly, and there is probably more to it so apologies in advance if i drip feed, but just wanted to get as much as poss down :(

OP posts:

Original poster

MistyMountainHop · 19/04/2012 15:59

SHIT

the fucking name change failed

FUCK FUCK FUCK :(

OP posts:

lisad123 · 19/04/2012 16:00

Ask for it to be deleted. Have reported it for you.

Lovetats · 19/04/2012 16:02

I've reported it too.

qo · 19/04/2012 16:02

To be honest I was going to start a thread about this subject.

I definitely have a favourite child, so does my sister(though she denies this - it's plainly obvious) and my best friend also has a favourite child.

It DOESN'T mean you love one more than the other(s) - I love all my children equally and would do anything for any of them - but definitely have a stronger bond with dd than the lads.

Just as in life in general, we get on better with some people rather than others - our children are people too and the same applies imo.

In fact I think if people were being blatently honest, you'd find this is a lot more common than you think

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/04/2012 16:03

Then you have to make more of an effort to be even-handed. You can't change his father or his birth circumstances but you can change how you interact with him and the time you spend with each of them. Get to know him better, put in more effort, and you will find things about him to love that you never noticed before. Remind yourself that 'love' is not an emotion, it's a verb.... do it and you'll feel it.

Blurry29 · 19/04/2012 16:05

I disagree totally. I don't think it's common and certainly don't think it's right to admit with such strong feelings that you love one more than the other!! Quite frankly I think it's a horrible post, it's reads horrible and it makes you sound horrible!!

If your DS doesn't sense this now there will come a time in the future where he will feel this, I'd be gutted if my children ever though my I felt that way about them. sorry just an opinion.

Original poster

MistyMountainHop · 19/04/2012 16:07

i know blurry

i know it sounds horrible

believe you me i feel a disgusting person for feeling like this :(

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 19/04/2012 16:09

I think it's very common. It's natural I think.

I remember posting about this years ago when my second child was a baby. It broke my heart that I had to make myself want to spend time with her. She was a beautiful child, everyone told me so, I knew it myself, but I never felt that rush of love I felt for my eldest. Looking back I think it was significant that I had bad PND after her birth that I didn't address until she was over a year old. I still torture myself with thoughts about how she always seemed so lost and desperate for my attention....but that is because I am very good at beating myself with regard to my kids

She now gets the love and affection she deserves and I don't have to force it at all. I am incredibly proud of her and we are very natural together.

Don't despair and don't beat yourself up about it. DO persist in making sure you are even-handed and show love to your son in every way you can. In time the real thing will follow.

Mumsyblouse · 19/04/2012 16:11

I know quite a lot of people who have found they preferred the 'cute' toddler than the slightly older child at that time. A very cute daughter, with your current husband, may be very appealing and adorable. But this stage will pass, she too will be a six year old, or a teenager.

I suggest investigating how to bond with your six year old, it's not too late. I hesitate to mention Oliver James (as he's such an idiot) but I heard him explaining once about 'love bombing' and it's about reconnecting with your child. You take them off for the weekend, or have a weekend just with them, doing things with them, that they want to do, listening to them, with lots of eye contact and hugs. It's all about accepting them as they are. You then try to build in some together time every day, half an hour of reading/cuddling to keep this connection going in everyday life. He points out, it's pretty obvious, that you tend to be bonded with those people you spend a lot of time with, admiring and seeing the good in them, not just shouting at them to get dressed or organizing their playdates.#

It is not too late at all to reconnect with your son and make a massive effort to be even-handed in the way you treat them. You don't have to feel exactly the same towards two children, they have different personalities and you may connect more with one than another at different times, but it's massively important for their development to feel loved and accepted for who they are, and that they were important in the family. You can do this, it's not all about how you feel, it's about what you do as Cogito has said.

Blurry29 · 19/04/2012 16:13

Sorry I know I must have come across quite harsh and judgmental in my post but I couldn't ever imagine myself admitting to that kind of thing.

I would worry that if my feelings are that strong then my child would surely feel that exclusion, the only thing I would say I would do would be to try to better my relationship with my DS, time together, common interests etc away from DD do that I could work on making the bond better.

I hope you get some good advice here and that your situation does improve xx

Siddhartha · 19/04/2012 16:14

Its very natural. But let me tell you that your DS will need your love, approval, care and reassurance much much more than your DD will. You are his Mum. he will never ever have another person who even comes close to the love he feels for you.

OrmIrian · 19/04/2012 16:14

Agree about the 'lovebombing' mumsy. As much as possible. I tried to spend a great deal of one-to-one time with DD. It helped a lot.

Mumsyblouse · 19/04/2012 16:15

It is relatively common, another mum said exactly the same thing to me, only in her case it was about preferring her cute toddler to an older slightly difficult son. It has shifted over time, these things are not fixed.

I also bonded with one child at birth, and one several months later than birth, although I adore them both now.

I do think this is something that can consciously be tackled, though, just as you might tackle a bad patch in a partner relationship and fall in love all over again. I've done that, I'm sure falling in love (in a different way, obviously) with your own child again is perfectly possible.

AnaisB · 19/04/2012 16:17

TBH I have no idea how common this is and most people wouldn't be brave enough to admit it, but given the circumstances around your DC it is very understandable. Your post does not make you sound horrible, but it makes me feel bad to imagine how you must feel. I think cogito is right to suggest you look at how you interact with him. It sounds like you relationship with him is too tied up in your relationship with you ex.

Abitwobblynow · 19/04/2012 16:19

Misty the fact that you confessed this and feel terrible makes you a good person and a good Mum, caring person. DENIAL is the root of all things bad...

Be aware of it, and that will help you be mindful of your reactions. How does DH respond to him?

Little boys really do need to be loved by their mothers, so how about saying a geniune praise thing about him/his behaviour/his specialness, every single day?

And here are some kudos for your honesty.

Abitwobblynow · 19/04/2012 16:23

Because of your bravery here is a confession: I had PND and reacted badly to my little boy, because the way he stood and held his arms reminded me of my hated Dad, and I was terrified he would grow up to be like him.

I tried so hard not to 'indulge' these feelings but I felt them and I knew I felt them.

He is now a lovely, beautiful 17 year old a wonderful person in his own right and I absolutely adore him (and he is nothing like my Dad). These distorted feelings have roots elsewhere and look there; they won't last for ever if you do.

Mumsyblouse · 19/04/2012 16:30

I hate to post anything nethuns here, but:

www.netmums.com/woman/health-and-happiness/making-mums-happy/q-a-oliver-james-clinical-psychologist-and-author

I have never done the full technique, but I have spent an entire day with one child, doing what they want, their special day, and it is true, the reconnection is really strong, plus you have to spend 30 min a day with them the following week without the other child (so without cute sister around). This also really works, you start to find the child interesting instead of just disobedient and annoying!

I think this could be a starting point.

I also agree with the poster who said about unresolved bed feelings towards the ex, it's vital that these are completely separated from your DS, I would suggest letting these out (counselling, talking with good friends, keeping a diary).

puds11 · 19/04/2012 16:32

i was the favourite in my family, and my parents openly said that. Both my sisters were difficult, whereas i just got on with it.
I dont think its horrible, its natural. You have one friend you like more than the others, why cant it be the same with children?
Having said this though, this is one of the main reasons why i only have DD, as i know i would never love another child as much as her, and it would be unfair of me to have another child when i feel this way.
Misty you recognise the problem which means that you can deal with it. I do think it is a very common problem even though people dont admit to it. It is a very taboo subject.

FarelyKnuts · 19/04/2012 16:34

Please stop beating yourself up for this. You were extremely brave to admit it. And as another poster said, DENIAL is a much bigger problem.
There are ways to tackle it, if you are brave enough to admit and look for advice then you are brave enough to look for help around it too. It sounds to me that your circumstances were less that ideal when your DS was born and not when DD was. It does make a difference.
Seek out support services like family therapy or counselling for yourself if you think it would help. Spend extra time with your DS getting to know him, pretend you have just met him and he is a lovely little boy you would like to fall in love with and be more interested in?
It doesnt always come naturally with all our children, people so want to believe that because we are conditioned to but sometimes it is work to get to that place. The fact that you are aware and want to tackle it is a good thing. I hope you do. Please be gentle with yourself. You are not a bad person

emrys · 19/04/2012 16:36

You sound like a lovely, honest, incredibly caring person and a great mum - if you didn't love your DS you wouldn't have bothered to post it or worry about it so much.

It sounds to me like its more the circumstances surrounding your DS's birth are upsetting you more than they should, and it doesn't at all mean that you don't love him. It's just easier, on the surface, for you to actively love your DD. Maybe some counselling would help you come to terms with it?

emrys · 19/04/2012 16:38

Btw, my dad once openly admitted that if my DBro and I were in danger and he could only choose one of us to save, he'd save me Honesty is good, but maybe there are limits...

margoandjerry · 19/04/2012 16:40

OP I think you've had some good responses. I'm sure it's quite common. I think abitwobblynow" has it right - the roots of this are elsewhere and you just need to make sure you know your DS is not more unloveable than your DD but that your feelings about his parentage and birth circs make it harder for you*. I think you know that - it's in you not him. As long as you know that you can try to compensate and fake it till you make it (which could take years).

Lovebombing sounds good too. Sometimes you need something that you connect over - your special song together that's not your DD's as well. Your favourite team that you and DS have a thing about. Your little joke that you share...

Tokamak · 19/04/2012 16:49

I think you're very brave, too, and I would imagine that it happens.

Can I ask how your DH gets on with his DSS? Are they close?

MNHQ

OliviaLMumsnet · 19/04/2012 17:36

Yikes - hey op, still want us to nix this for you?

Original poster

MistyMountainHop · 19/04/2012 17:57

Thanks Olivia, but no, doesn't really matter now

cheers anyway though x

and thanks for the replies so far will come back and reply properly when i have more time x

OP posts:

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