i love one DC more than the other. and i feel so guilty.

[MistyMountainHop]

have namechanged for this

and have wanted to post about this for ages but haven't dared until now

DS is 6 and DD is 3

i love DD more. :( i love DS in that i look after him, feed him, clothe him, and do everything i need to do as a mother. but the strength of love i feel for him is no where near as much as i feel for DD.

DS is from a prev relationship. and Dd is from my present marriage. i see DH in Dd and love her all the more for it. the bond between DH and i that having DD has created is amazing and that seems to make her even more special.

I never had that with DS dad as i didn't love him. DS was not planned and the relationship was pretty much over even when i was pg. i hated the pregnancy and was almost embarassed that i was pregnant by ex . and ds and I left ex shortly after DS was born.

i met DH when Ds was about 18 months and DH and I were completely lust love struck. and then also i fell pg with DD when DS was only 2 and a bit. so i feel i "missed out" on his toddler stage as i was completely wrapped up in my new relationship and pregnancy.

everything DD does enchants me, but i rarely feel like that about DS

i know this is rambly, and there is probably more to it so apologies in advance if i drip feed, but just wanted to get as much as poss down :(

That's quite a drastic thing to do . . . throwing away his scans pics and would have been a conscious decision by the sounds of it, seeing as you don't say it was an accident. What was your thinking behind it? Why did you chose to do that? What did you actually think?

My husband was a difficult baby and i think it affected how his parents felt about him. They certainly treat him like the scapegoat in the family and his younger sibling as the golden child. He didn't have to be told this, he FEELS it and i believe always has. Its resulted in depression and low self esteem, low self worth. Its an awful thing. Life long.

My own children, one is definitely more difficult then the other but i feel its irrelevant in the love i have for them. I believe you can chose to accept that your children are different to each other, accept their differences and love them the same. You've got to just want to. Don't judge them on their personalities, one being easier or cuter doesn't make them more worthy of your love.

It sounds as though you resented your son at the time and that will probably be something counselling could help with. You need to let go off those feelings. Its not his fault obviously.

You should think of him as his own person not an extension of your embarrassing ex.

I think you also need to let go of this image of the perfect family of you, your husband and daughter. Your son is part of that so you should be thinking of the perfect family being the four of you. I think this idea of how you would have liked your family to be in an ideal world (not a failed marriage and second marriage) is getting in the way.

You should be thinking about the love you have for your children in terms of love for them as individuals rather then what they are part of . . . a successful or rather crap relationship. Because relationships break down all the time so your love for your children shouldn't be connected to that.

I wonder what the solution is. I would be fascinated to hear from someone who had this issue and got it resolved. I wonder what steps a counsellor would take you through. Is it really solveable. If it is, I bet it is VERY VERY complex.
Some of the comments of how sorry the posters feel for the Op's ds, I really am not sure those posts are helping at all. Do these people who post that, have expierence of what a complex thing the OP is actually saying. I think, possibly not.

I was the black sheep, it ruined my early 20's and late teens. Be very careful how you treat your kids because being the one who wasn't the favourite made me feel rejected and depressed.

I don't think the OP can do that though poo. Not yet, anyway. There's a block there and even she doesn't really know what it is - hence, professional support to untangle and face it in a safe environment where she won't be judged.

I'm sure she knows full well what she 'should' and 'shouldn't' be doing. Sometimes the 'block' is so deep we don't even know it is there. Hence, to be a parrot about this, professional support to get it addressed, sooner rather than later.

I think counselling would be worth pursuing. This isn't the case of finding one child easier or more fun than another. Throwing away his scan photos and preferring it when he isn't around are quite severe reactions. I feel sad for you OP because you realise you're doing it, so you probably feel awful, but you must address it. That poor boy will feel left out by everyone, and it will affect his relationship with your DD. You can't rewrite history. You had him despite your misgivings about his father and you know you need to address this soon. He will notice if he hasn't already.

no different to the usual therapeutic process oblomov. I doubt it's very very complex - it is usually straightforward, like unpicking a knot. (the longer it goes on though the tighter the knot)

I just remembered my aunt and mum went through this as well. My mum being the favourite. My aunt used to get harsher punishments then my mum and blamed for things more often. She is now nearly 70 and still cries about it all the time. It created a rift between her and my grandparents and it never healed. My mum as the favourite had her own problems, i think she was mollycoddled and ended up being quite an anxious person. So many things scared her.

Yes professional support is essential!

my mum favored my DB, as an adult now he hates her for it. luckily me and

posted too soon

db have a really good relationship. she is kept ar arms length from all her grandchildren now though as she started it with them too.

Someone i know favours his youngest child. He also favours the youngest of his pets, quite dramatically so! Weird!

Poopoo... what a brilliant post and I agree with all you say. I was always the scapegoat in the family - it was easier to blame me than anyone and it just became habit. I was the thick one in the family, the feisty one, the one who questioned and I made a rod for my own back probably. My sis revelled in the fact she could walk on water. What the OP has to realise is.. it affects not only the r/ship with your parents but also the r/ship with your sibling as you grow up and particularly in adult life.

I hold myself at arms length from my sister now because of all of this. I want to feel close to her but I can't. She would love to be closer to me but I just can't because she didn't have a childhood equal to mine. I always felt that by the time my parents got to having me (there were 4 of us) they had sort of run out of love. My mum particularly doted on my sister and I had no conception of what that could be like. All this made me feel very unloveable and I haven't really lost that feeling even now.

As far as loving your children equally, OP.. I think you have to appreciate their differences rather than focus on their differences as a bad thing. My two DDs are very very different and one is easier to love than the other (one placid, one a timebomb waiting to go off!) The more difficult one has certain qualities that are just immense and I always think of her in those terms as opposed to focussing on the more difficult traits in her character. I love them equally but in totally different ways. However they both know without a shadow of doubt that they are truly loved by me and there are no favourites.

I think you are focussing on the fact your DS was with your ex and you have to let that go. Your poor little DS can't help that fact and it's unfair. As to how you put all this right, yes, counselling is a start.

Helliebean. Thanks! Makes a change as I've been accidentally offending people on here a lot lately!

Sorry you've been through that as well, its awful isn't it

hi

i am not offended by any of the replies, tbh i thought i would receive a whole lot worse than even the "harshest" responses. i guess its hard for normal mums to understand how someone could feel like i do - hell, I find it hard to understand and its happening to me

ironically (or not, maybe?) i always felt that my younger DB (by 3 years) was the favoured one, i was constantly competing with DB for my parents attention, no matter what i did i never got any praise or recognition from them. yet he was quite naughty, never did well at school etc but they just seemed to prefer him. it continued when we became adults too, when i was about 19 they announced they were downsizing to a smaller house, they quickly bought one and it was only 2 bed so i had no choice but to move out. i was basically pushed out. then a few years later they bought a second home and let DB live there rent free for several years. have bailed him out financially etc. (btw, i have never asked for a penny or any help from them as i have always been very independent but it still upsets me) and sometimes the 3 of them and DB girlfriend will go out for dinner, out for the day etc and not ask me. although he doesnt have DC and i do, i suppose it would be easier without 2 small dc.

i have been making the effort over the last few days to really concentrate on what i love about DS (and make no mistake, i DO love him, its not that i don't) for example in the playground at school drop off this morning i was watching him talk to his friend and it just struck me what a beautiful, kind, happy little soul he is and it brought tears to my eyes.

he is a good boy and thats the weird thing. he was an "easy" baby (i don't like that term but he was. good feeder, great sleeper, very very chilled and happy) and turned into a good toddler / little boy. his behaviour is usually fantastic and he is doing well at school. there is nothing not to love about him. we never even had any problems with jealousy when dd came along, he has always loved and accepted her. and people always comment on how well behaved and polite he is. sorry if that sounds boastful. )

he is lovely and he deserves more and i am absolutely determined to turn this around.

anyway, again, i have rambled. and thanks to anyone who has read this far. :)

Misty, he sounds amazing. You lucky thing.

It sounds to me like you do cherish him. You are wise and perceptive and loving so you will ensure that your ds feels loved. Just spend more exclusive time together.

that you had such a crap time with your parents. Lousy that.

Will you tell him that you saw go with his friend and that you thought he was beautiful and kind and that you wanted to cry with happiness? That will mean a lot to him that you hold him in such high regard.

MistyI feel a bit misty eyed myself reading what you wrote about your Son, he sounds gorgeous. The rubbish time you had with your own Parents was awful. Yes, always tell him the little things that he does that you love,he sounds adorable .

Misty... you are aware of this and that's half the battle. I honestly think it is possible to work on this yourself. He sounds really adorable so shouldn't your job be relatively easy? If he was a 'difficult' child or a fiend, it would be far harder.

Having one DD who is harder to love than the other, I did work hard at focussing on her good points because I was so afraid of favouritism creeping in. To be honest, once I started doing that it just became habit and she became more and more loveable.

The fact you feel you have been through this hopefully means you just will NOT allow this to fester. Forget the sceptre of the exh... your little boy is your flesh and blood and needs to know he is loved. As Winky said... did you tell him how beautiful he was? I consciously did this with my harder work DD and it just became habit... and it's a good habit! I'm sure you love him dearly, you are just a bit out of synch with your feelings, that's all. Good luck.

Good for you misty! Keep it up

I agree what it would be lovely to tell him how you felt earlier.

As for your parents going out with your brother and not asking you . . . I posted about my husbands family earlier i think, he is the scapegoat, they do this as well but in relation to holidays. They book holidays with his sibling and their family and don't invite us or tell us until its booked and final. I can see the hurt on my husbands face. Saying that though, seeing as his father is mean to him a lot i wouldn't want to go anyway!

Someone on here recommended a book called transactional analysis? Or something like that. I haven't bought it yet but its supposed to be about how we live our lives to a script, sort of reliving our own childhood. Might be relevant. Perhaps if anyone knows more . . . ?

I can't comment on much here really; I was an only child as is ds. But I can say for goodness sake don't feel about "boasting"!

wrt "love bombing" there's tons of stuff you can do with a 6yo that would be lost on a 3yo, who would, quite frankly, be a PITA. I bloody love going on trips just me and ds - not because I don't enjoy going out as a family (ie with dp too), but because spending time one-on-one sometimes is important. Give it a go :)

Good for you OP.

I do think that admitting to our feelings can go a bit of a way to reducing their power over our behaviour.

I agree about the love-bombing.