i love one DC more than the other. and i feel so guilty.

[MistyMountainHop]

have namechanged for this

and have wanted to post about this for ages but haven't dared until now

DS is 6 and DD is 3

i love DD more. :( i love DS in that i look after him, feed him, clothe him, and do everything i need to do as a mother. but the strength of love i feel for him is no where near as much as i feel for DD.

DS is from a prev relationship. and Dd is from my present marriage. i see DH in Dd and love her all the more for it. the bond between DH and i that having DD has created is amazing and that seems to make her even more special.

I never had that with DS dad as i didn't love him. DS was not planned and the relationship was pretty much over even when i was pg. i hated the pregnancy and was almost embarassed that i was pregnant by ex . and ds and I left ex shortly after DS was born.

i met DH when Ds was about 18 months and DH and I were completely lust love struck. and then also i fell pg with DD when DS was only 2 and a bit. so i feel i "missed out" on his toddler stage as i was completely wrapped up in my new relationship and pregnancy.

everything DD does enchants me, but i rarely feel like that about DS

i know this is rambly, and there is probably more to it so apologies in advance if i drip feed, but just wanted to get as much as poss down :(

okay then

I've just posted a similar worry. #2 was born a pain, stayed a pain through all the stages of my parenting and remains a pain now. Of course I love her, sort of, but bloody hell she does make that difficult to do. I dread the Friday phone call - its never "I had a really good week this week" its always some trivial sounding drama and always, always somebody elses fault. Never DD's.

How does your husband feel about your son?

I hope your little boy is being treated well.

Did she always find she had your attention if something was wrong, Bluetits?

I believe I am my parents' favourite (although they would never say). My DB is on the spectrum and quite distant and difficult to connect with so it is natural that my parents talk to me more easily. However, they make a massive effort with DB, see him more than me, stay in contact. I was also always told to do the same. I resented it when I was younger because it seemed that he was getting more. I now realise that I got more 'naturally' and they were trying to redress the balance. You may need to do that with DS.

I too think you're brave to say this. Not horrible although it could be horrible for your ds.

My ds1 is really difficult person. Hard to like. I love him. He is my son. I would do anything for him but his behaviour makes me aghast at times and I have wondered if I love him like my other dcs. I do. I know I do.

And op, I think you need to spend more exclusive time with your boy. Cinema, ice skating, meals out. Anything. You may not feel that rush of love but enable him to feel much love from his mum so that he can go on to have normal relationships with women and his children. Same goes for your dh too. Make your boy feel like a champ with lots of small compliments etc.

You'd be surprised how quickly the feelgood for all of you follows.

You sound really perceptive so you're probably already aware of making sure he isn't aware of favouritism.

Misty I wanted to say I know exactely where you are coming from. The reasons are different than you - I had PND with dc1 and didn't bond with her for a long long time.
I remember very clearly when dc2 was a baby looking atbher and feeling rush of love for her and then looking at dc1 and just feeling annoyed, like I had a monster in front of me, one that was crying, making a mess etc.. (well in reality a toddler that was reacting to a new sibling).

I agree with other posters that:
1- this isn't too late
2- you CAN do something about it.
What worked for me was a quote I came accross on MN on the adoption threads. The advice was simply 'Act as if you love the child and you will learn to love him/her'. I figured out that I was feeling so disconnected that it might as well be an adopted child. Sio I embarked on doing just that.
I wondered what I would do to look after dc1 if I really cared and did it. I 'fake' the laughs, the 'I am so happy to see you when picking her up from nursery', the games.
And slowly I started to learn to love her.
I also did some of what Mumsy was talking about. Spending some time on a one to one basis with dc1, doing what she wanted to do.
And I spent an awfull lot of time looking at my own behaviour to check I wasn't making any obvious preference for dc2 rather than dc1 (and actually making a point of 'choosing' dc1 to give 'nice' things to rather than dc2).
In the end, it all evened out.
I learned to love her.
And now I can confidentely say that I Do love her, that I love her as much as dc2 ir totally and uncondiionally.

One last thing, I've always had in mind that dc2 would be getting just as 'annoying' as dc1 when she reached the same age. This helped not to always see dc2 as the 'angel', look at how cute she is and dc1 as the 'horrible' dc who is always doing some mischief....

My sister is the favourite. Despite my mum denying it. It hurts :-(

Sausage I agree, having a favourite can hurt a lot. I think it can actually hurt both dc actually which is why I also think it is very important to try and do your best as a parent to get out of this situation.

OP, one more thing. I used the love I had for dc2 and I didn't have for dc1 as a way to motivate me to do something about it. If I could feel that love for one, then I knew I could feel it for the other too. That's what kept me going.

It sounds like the circumstances surrounding the two births are vastly different, with DD being born in a loving, secure relationship and your DS the opposite, and maybe that's where the difference in feelings comes from.

You say you see your DH in your DD and that makes you love her more. Given that he has been with you since your DS was practically a baby, as he grows up they'll share interests, jokes, sayings etc and you'll see his influence in your DS.

Your DS has already had one parent let him down, he needs you to be devoted to him now.

I have three ds, eldest from first marriage, younger two from second. I adore the all. However, I've gone through phases of feeling more connected to one than the other.

Despite never living with his father DS1 talks and moves like him. It's become more apparent the older he's got - he's now an adult. At times I've found this really hard to deal with, particularly if we're having a disagreement and it feels like I'm arguing with his dad.

I had quite a long period of preferring DS2 & 3 because I saw them interacting with their father and regretted that I'd never experienced that with DS1 and then idealising that relationship, feeling that they would be 'better' because of their relationship with their father.

I've now separated from H2 and, again, struggle when I see character traits from him displayed by our sons.

I hope I've learnt a bit over the years and will continue to be able to rationalise my feelings.

FWIW I was my father's favourite and even though he's been dead for 12 years it's still used against me by my mother a sisters so acts a further motivation to me to treat my children equally.

OP - I don't know if the gender difference affects your feelings - I have no experience of this - but by simply acknowledging your feelings and expressing them you've taken a huge step in ensuring they don't have a negative impact on your children.

Aww, OP, what a brave post. Growing up, my DB was the favourite. I can see why...he was so easy-going, cute, funny and charming. One of life's naturally popular people. Everybody loved him...made friends wherever he went.

I think it's quite natural in life to enjoy some people's company more than others, but obviously quite distressing when it's one of your children you're talking about. I'd imagine it's more common than you think.

You've had loads of good advice here. I think I'm going to pinch a few ideas myself .

I think this is common. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

I would say it sounds like a lot of this is tied up in the situation in to which your ds was born rather than him being less lovable iyswim.

I sometimes find it easier to feel close to my younger son at the moment but I don't love him more, he just has different needs to my older son. Sometimes I get annoyed at my eldest more easily as I think he should know better about some things and I still see ds2 as the baby. In reality, when
I look back, ds1 was a much easier baby than ds2 ever was! It's easy to forget.

When I find myself getting annoyed at ds1 or expecting too much from him I concentrate really hard and try and remember how I felt at his age. They're still so young.. I usually give him some extra cuddles and remind myself ds2 will also soon be asking a million questions a day and driving me up the wall in exactly the same way

If I were you, and I were really worried about this I'd maybe speak to a counsellor to see how the whole (xp/ split/ pregnancy embarrassment) etc might have affected your feelings and try to work through that a bit.

You're a good mum, that is clear, you wouldn't be concerned otherwise

You're not alone. The main thing is to treat them both fairly and eually regardless of how you feel emotionally.

It may be a consequence of the failed realtionship with DS's father. It may be that you can relate to female children better than to male children. It could be that if you'd had DS and DD with the same partner, you'd still feel more drawn to DD.

I always wanted sons. I'm definitely not a stereotypically feminine female and the prospect of having DDs when I was pregnant filled me with dread as I felt I wouldn't be able to relate to a daughter. I felt I would let a daughter down as a mother.

I'm so glad this didn't turn into a flame-fest, and glad os many other brave posters have come out of the woodowrk. Hope you're feeling better OP, or at the very least no so alone

You're not alone. I feel more of a bond with dd2, than dd1. Dd1 is tantrum central, and has been 4 a while now. We had problems bf at birth, she wouldn't sleep, always a miserable child. Always wants everything her way, and she's 2 and a half.
Dd2 (9mo) is an absolute joy 2 be around. She feeds well, sleeps well, always happy and smiley. We can take her out 4 a day, and she's so quiet we sometimes have 2 ask, did we bring her with us. They are completely different children, and I would any day have dd2 on her own than dd1, she is hard work. I am a sahm, and dd1 is in nursery 2 days a wk because she's difficult 2 handle. Dh agrees with me.

i think its partly because your dd is the baby. I think you need to re-bond with your ds. Spend time just you and him, get interested in what he likes and really work on your relationship.
I think sometimes its easier for mothers to bond with their dds as they can see themselves in them too. Ive got quite a different bond with my dd than i have with my ds'. I think you saying you love her more is probably your fear blowing it out of proportion. Love isnt a static thing. My favourite child varies from day to day, but you mustnt give too much weight to "who you love the most" and you can develop those feelings with your ds. He is your son, and hes probably been overlooked a bit with the new child from the new relationship, and you may never have quite the same relationship with both, but thats not about love. Just work on it.

As the well worn expression goes 'fake it til you make it'. There have been multiple MN threads over the years of people admitting the same feelings as you. You are not a terrible person or disgusting. You are being honest with yourself and looking at how to redress things. That makes you a good mum. The bad parents are the ones who openly favour one child over another but never admit it despite obviously behaving unfairly. (DH's weird and dysfunctional family did this and the results were massively damaging for all concerned right down the generations).

My ds1 went through a terrible toddler stage during a very highly stressful period of our lives, while ds2 was a squidgy smiley contented baby. I felt I had no bond with ds1, no patience and really not much love . Ds2 loved cuddles and was adorable. I pretty much took the advice given here and faked it, pretended I was delighted to see ds1 (even though my heart sometimes sank ) and made sure he knew I wanted cuddles and kisses even though I didn't and even though they weren't reciprocated. Above all I never ever ever let them have an inkling that there was a 'favourite'. If they asked (as children do) 'which of us do you love more?' I would always say I loved them both more than anything and everything, but as they were different people I love ds1 in a ds1 way and ds2 in a ds2 way. Roll on twelve years and ds1 is now a fantastic, kind and adorable teenager that makes us immensley proud and who we love spending time with (they do exist!). If anything the tables have turned and its now ds2 (who is a fairly closed and quiet sort of person) that I have to make the effort to give the love.

Long story short..

• Yes, it's taboo but it's common enough to be 'normal'
• yes, you can do something about it
• yes, it will get better if you make the effort
• it's the good parents who care enough to try.

Me too, me too!

I did the love-bomb thing (didn't know it had a name!) and it worked like a charm.

Your insight into your feelings is a great start. Now you know you are very normal, you can rest your shame and replace it with love-bombing action

hi everyone

sorry i have only just come back to this and replied. there has been some really good advice and comments on here, and i will take it all on board

i remembered something earlier that made me really sad, i was sorting out some paperwork and came across DD's 12 and 20 week scan pictures, and i remembered that i no longer had any of DS's as i had thrown them away, i threw them away when i threw away my wedding pictures from my first wedding (to his dad) :( what an awful thing to do. the weird thing is, my ex is actually OK, we get on and he is now a good dad to DS and sees him regularly, pays maintenance, takes him on holiday etc. so its not like i hate him, i never hated him.

i have been trying my best to be extra loving towards DS, since i wrote this thread. but this weekend he was away with his dad all weekend and i enjoyed it just being DH, DD and me. and that sounds so awful :(

someone upthread asked how DH gets on with DS, well they get on really well, and DH treats him well, but he has (privately) admitted to me that although he "loves" him, he is not able to love him as much as DD. which makes me sad to be honest, but i suppose its understandable.

anyway i have rambled, again!

Hi Misty, I agree that you're brave to have written this. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that your ds will pick up on any perceived favouritism unless you're very careful, especially when he gets older. Boys are so sensitive and what you wrote about the weekend being enjoyable without him does sound so sad. Hope you can work through it.

You say it's because he's your exs
Could you deliberately look for traits of you in him or other family members you. Look at the half that is you not your ex

As mumsyblouse suggests, I think it coul be good for you spend some time alone, just you and your son, without DD or DH. Perhaps go on a short trip together, or several days out. That way, you can build, what may not be the "same" bond but a "special" one, nonetheless.

You say it makes you sad that your DP loves 'his' child more than your DS, but you have just said the same yourself. I feel really sorry for your son, it's not his fault that things be we worked out with his Dad. Maybe do try and make a real effort to spend time with him and be careful you don't actually let the favouritism show.