i love one DC more than the other. and i feel so guilty.

[MistyMountainHop]

have namechanged for this

and have wanted to post about this for ages but haven't dared until now

DS is 6 and DD is 3

i love DD more. :( i love DS in that i look after him, feed him, clothe him, and do everything i need to do as a mother. but the strength of love i feel for him is no where near as much as i feel for DD.

DS is from a prev relationship. and Dd is from my present marriage. i see DH in Dd and love her all the more for it. the bond between DH and i that having DD has created is amazing and that seems to make her even more special.

I never had that with DS dad as i didn't love him. DS was not planned and the relationship was pretty much over even when i was pg. i hated the pregnancy and was almost embarassed that i was pregnant by ex . and ds and I left ex shortly after DS was born.

i met DH when Ds was about 18 months and DH and I were completely lust love struck. and then also i fell pg with DD when DS was only 2 and a bit. so i feel i "missed out" on his toddler stage as i was completely wrapped up in my new relationship and pregnancy.

everything DD does enchants me, but i rarely feel like that about DS

i know this is rambly, and there is probably more to it so apologies in advance if i drip feed, but just wanted to get as much as poss down :(

Your ds will sense that he is the cuckoo in the nest when he returns from his visit to his father. It's not merely a case of his just having been away for the weekend.

This will come back and bite you on the bum, you know.

Hope you can reach a better place with your ds. He deserves it.

So you and your DH both love the other child more? Your little one will realise this soon if he doesn't already and it'll break his little heart. It might negatively affect him for the rest of his life...I've always suspected my parents really preferred my brother and it is pretty harsh. I've never let on that I realised so they probably think it hasn't affected me but it truly is rough (most recently I found out, for example, that despite being told all my life that my brother was an easy baby, an that ideas a projectile vomiting colicy mess much like the exorcist, lol, I actually never had colic and just cried in the early days due to a formula allergy and was fine after it was fixed- that re writing of history has happened all of my life!). I know you say you are trying to rectify this but without sounding all judgey & annoying - you need to try WAY harder for the little boys sake. I kind of know how he feels and I already want to give him a big fat cuddle and tell him how perfect he is an I havent ever met the little guy.

I think that this sort of thing can be extremely damaging to a child. And it can become a vicious cycle. A child who doesn't feel secure in his parents' love can begin to act out in negative ways, then the parents rationalize their treatment of him because of his behaviour, and the cycle continues. No child should have to win his parents' love by behaving a particular way. He needs unconditional love simply for being himself. Of course, that doesn't mean that a parent never gets annoyed at a child, but that the deep core of love is unshakeable.

OP, I agree with some posters here that it is brave to admit your feelings in this way. But admission is only the first tiny step. The truly brave thing would be to change your interactions with your son and kick-start your attachment. One technique I have heard about is the 10-20-10 plan. It means that you give the child 10 minutes of undivided attention in the morning, 20 minutes after school, and 10 minutes in the evening. This should be a time without any distractions, where the goal is simply to be together, enjoy each other's company, and build the relationship (maybe playing a game, singing together, or just having a cuddle). The important thing is to do it every day.

You can turn this around if you really want to, and it sounds as though you really do. I think the guilt you are feeling can be channeled into something positive, and you can create a wonderful bond with your lovely son.

It's not helpful but I feel broken hearted for your ds .

I'll get flamed but quite frankly I think you are being totally fucking self indulgent. It's good you are talking about it and getting some advice but the fact that you have posted again in spite of previous great advice to say you were glad he was away for the weekend so it was just you, dh and dd actually makes me wonder if you are even that bothered about addressing this practically or just want to have a self indulgent sob fest about it.

Why don't you let him live with his Dad fulltime? Now flame away, I'm hiding the thread.

I have only one child, so don't have personal experience of this. I see families, however, where children are quite clearly favoured over their siblings.

My best friend in particular has 3 kids and she favours the eldest over the other 2 girls she has. She says, on occasion, that her middle child drives her nuts. She has lost her temper with said child so badly that her husband had to come and collect her from home and take her out of the house. My friend was afraid of what she could do to her. If I said to her, you love your eldest more, she'd deny it...but it's true. It's just a taboo to say it or think it but it's so common in families.

Another friend has two children, one of whom is golden (when actually she's a bit of a challenge behaviourally speaking) and one is the devil incarnate (when actually she's a lovely girl). It may be that kids are different at home to how they are at school/socially, but sure as eggs is eggs, kids are different and you will, at different times, love one more than another. At least you've recognised the potential problems this could create and are looking for advice!

I really don't think there is any need to get abusive akaemmafrost. And then hide the thread.

akaemmafrost, I actually agree with what you have said

I feel a lump in my throat for her son

he went away and his mother was happy to have him away and be with her 2 favourites

OP I know its hard, but I am upset that I saw no sign of you trying to address this in your last post. just a statement that broke my heart.

are you going to try, fake till you make it? do something the 2 of you????

you need to address this please as he will know and it will fuck him up

please

OP you need to address this good and proper. I KNEW without a shadow of doubt that my DM preferred my sis to me and it lasted all through my life. Even when we were adults it didn't really change. Once that seed of doubt is planted, it takes a hell of a lot to remove it. It was obvious in so may ways and I spent my whole life trying to earn her approval and trying my best to be what I could never be... her favourite (or at least equal).

All this had a huge effect on my life. Children are very very perceptive you know and believe me, I knew from a very young age, I just picked up on signs. My DM would drop everything if my sis wanted her, they were very very close and I was more difficult maybe. I do know I was a totally different character to my sis.

Both parents long gone now and if ever I chat about our childhoods my sis has a totally different outlook on it than me. Her r/ship with my DM was effortless, she didn't have to work at it, she was just herself. I had to work SO hard at being the perfect daughter and whatever I did wasn't enough.

Also my sis played up to this when she was younger ... I don't blame her, what child wouldn't? Everyone wants to be mummy's favourite and I am sure it won't be long before you DD picks up on it and plays up to it too.

Address this now.

I've experienced this in my extended family. Everyone concerned is a grown up now but there's a pretty big rift. It's not between the parents and the less loved child, it's between the parents and BOTH children - once the more-loved sibling began to realise what was happening she was so devastated for her brother that she's been his biggest advocate ever since, and has little time for her parents. In fact she pretty much hates them.
If you don't act on this for your poor DS then do it for the relationship with BOTH of your children, before you end up alienating them both.

akaemmafrost that's not really helpful tbh.
In a situation like this, it is NOT possible to change your feelings overnight, even with great advise whether it be from other MNetters or from God.

It is only working by conciously working at it everyday for months and months. It actually took me years to fully redress the balance!

Less than a week later, the OP comes back saying she is looking forward to a WE wo her dd. I don't think there is anything surprising about it. If she had come back saying 'Oh I've worked on it and I am going to miss her so much this WE' then I would have known that it was wrong and very hypocritical.
It is NOT self indulgent to say 'Today this is how i feel'. What would be is to say 'Today I feel like this and I know I can't do anything about it/this will never change/I am too busy to do anything about it'. The OP has never said that as far as I know.

It is very sad for all concerned. And it is also very hard to address.

OP I would suggest that you go and have counselling for yourself. Having being in that situation myself, I realized only years later that I made it really hard for myself by doing it alone. I would reall advise to see a counsellor and look at with her help what it is that is so much of an issue with your ex. Why you have destroyed all the wedding photos and anything related to that time in your life. Getting clarity about that will help you building bridges too.

Jeeeezus!! Op obviously cares, if she didn't this post wouldn't exsist for the judgers to post on.

Concentrate on the good advice you have here misty, and please ignore the rest - it's so easy for people to sit in judgement, and I actually believe some people get a kick out of it tbh.

Bit harsh qo, a lot of posters are giving their experiences of being the unfavoured child & how hard that is - perhaps you never had to experience that so in your mind it looks like we are being too judgey. But In fairness there's a lot more that could have been said by many posters who have grown up experiencing how miserable this is, & in that context, the OP has received a lot of even tempered responses.

goonpitch makes some very good advice

clearly you have some antipathy/shame about your ex- he has some characteristics that you dont like? why were you ashamed of sleeping with him, was he "not your usual type?"

and you are potentially passing this onto his son

think counselling is a very very good idea OP

A three year old is very very cute. A six year old may be harder work. I find its not the children I prefer - but the ages! I connect more with my children at different ages - they have cute ages, difficult ages, and unknowable ages. Its like a cycle.

I don't think this is 'normal' preferring one over the other. I think it is more than that. Although you have been very brave to post this, imo you need specialist (professional) support to address what has become quite an entrenched problem. I'm sure you realise that the situation could be extremely damaging for your ds - probably already has been. I'm sorry to say this.

Please see your GP to get a referral for support from a psychologist. What you describe is not at all unusual but it is very damaging for the child, so please get support at your earliest.

I dont think its normal either

I have sympathy but people posting its "normal" and thats she is "brave" aint going to help

sorry OP, I do care honest just being honest

I think the springydaffs and porcamiseria posts are horrible. It is normal and there are usually reasons for that. Another thing is they way you feel and the way you treat your children. My DS1 (4yo) is a miserable child with horrible behaviour who constantly pushes boundaries and spoils everyone else?s mood. My DS2 (1.5yo) is an angel, always happy and smiley. I think that?s the reason why I don?t feel in love with DS1 and to be honest, have not enjoyed motherhood in the slightest until DS2 was born. However, I try to treat them equally and actually, DS1 gets 80% of my attention. Still I feel I don?t love him enough and it makes me feel very bad.

My best time is at work where I have some rest from him and come home with new energy.

I am glad to know that is fairly common, though.

It is extremely brave porca. Judging by some of these responses.

Of course it's hurtful for the child - or it could be if it continues. Which is why the OP is asking for advice. She clearly doesn't want to feel like this.

And why won't it help telling her she's brave and it's normal. Would it be preferable to tell her she's a freak and a bad parent?

Some of of use have been there, normal or not. And we are trying to offer our advice to make it better for both of them.

To add to my post I don't think it is necessary hurtful to the "less lloved" child. We often try to spend more time/to treat the "less loved" child more to compensate the guilt inside. My "less loved" child definitelly gets most of attention with us. I am not sure if this child would realise that he is loved less. Well at least in my case.

What do you mean when you say you missed DS's toddler years due to your new P? Do you think that part of your feelings towards DS now may be due to guilt over prioritising DP over DS then? From that comment I would say that maybe your difficulties with DS are nothing to with DD or DP, as you were willing to be overtaken by being 'in lust' with a new P at the expense of DS. Do you feel that having DS tied you down and curtailed your fun pre DC life? (I used to feel this sometimes )

I find DD much easier to look after than DS. She is easy and lovely, But I see that DS beingsometimes difficult as maybe due to the fact he was born into an unhappy relationship and then lived through the break up and me being a struggling single mother. Because of this I make every effort to make it up to him now. We have a lovely time when DS goes to his Dads, but that is just down to having one DC to look after rather than 2 (ours are 9 and 1, so very different needs). However, I find it just as refreshing when I take DS out alone and don't have to worry about looking after DD. Definitely spend time with DS alone. It is a vicious cycle: he will feel like 2nd best compared to DD and will then be unhappier and thus more difficult to look after and harder to love/like.

orm, fair enough

I just feel so sad reading this

But dont wanna bash OP and make her feel worse

I hope she gets counselling

I just feel very sad for your DS. Please pay heed to the helpful posts on this thread and do something about it. It is not enough just to acknowledge.

My DBro was my parents' favourite and still is. I could sense it even as a very small child. And it made me have pretty low self esteem and a general feeling of worthlessness over the years.

Of course a child who isn't loved will know it, even with (or of course without) eg 80% attention on the 'unloved' child. We all know at a gut level when we are not loved.

I am not judging anyone at all, just highlighting that this is a serious issue that needs professional attention. It is a very common problem and, of course, the mother (usually) feels an immense guilt and shame - which often drives it underground iyswim. As agonisingly painful as it is to face, it must be faced for the sake of the child. It is not good enough to pretend it isn't there. The chances are that these children are never told that they weren't loved (or not loved as much) and will go through life never having it acknowledged: they need to know, but the terrible guilt etc of the mother often prevents it from coming out into the open. Sometimes it is never told, or known, or addressed. I'm not saying, God forbid!, that the child should be told but that it needs to be addressed with a professional who has the skills to address it effectively, without judgement.

this a very recognised problem, in which it is possible to get specialised help and support to unpick it and find out what is at the root; also to provide strategies etc etc.

I posted because I was concerned that most of the responses have been to encourage the OP - which of course she needs encouragement (big time!) and it was brave to post, to get it out in the open. There is so much stigma around this and to post about it was brave.

However, encouragement isn't enough: this has to be faced as the child will already have been damaged by it. The worst is, that s/he may never know why. Better to get professional help at the earliest.

I completely agree that professional counselling would be an excellent step. OP, please take on board the helpful words and advice here. It is not too late to address this issue, but it really must be addressed.

Anyone who thinks a child doesn't know when he/she is loved less than a sibling is deluded. Of course children always know. And it can be extremely damaging, with lifelong consequences. I can't think of much that would be worse than for a very young child to internalize the feeling of being unloved and unlovable.