Is this normal? Or does DH just not fancy me.

[Beatlebum]

I was sat in a cafe earlier and overheard a group of women charting. One of them made a quip about how irritating she found it in the mornings when her parter cuddled up to her and got an erection, all the others started laughing and saying similar things, how annoying when you are just having a kiss/cuddle and they want more.

In the 18 months I've been with dh (married for two months) this has never happened. He hugs me in bed, he's never got an erection. When we do have sex, it takes a lot of me touching him, me giving oral for him to get hard. He likes to be the one to initiate. I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'.

He's very loving towards me, cuddling, kissing, holding hands but we only make love once or maybe twice a week. When we do, he bearly touches me, he kisses me, may have a half hearted fondle for a few seconds but then it's all about him (me giving him oral, then me going on top until he's done).

I asked him for oral sex recently (he did it the first couple of months we were together) and he did, but after literally five seconds stopped and said I'd moved violently and bashed his chin. So he stopped and told me that it had put him off sex all together that night. He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated.

I've asked him to use his hands on me, but he is so rough and obviously bored to death by it, and makes such a big deal about having dirty hands afterwards that it makes me feel like I'm filthy.

I have to ask him to undress me when we make love - he'd be happy to just pull my bottoms down and leave me fully dressed. A while ago, I bought some sexy underwear to try and get him interested. He didn't even take off my jumper let alone anything else so didnt even notice.

I bought a vibratorto use together, he used it with me but started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small.

I've spent all morning in tears. I feel sexually rejected enough anyway, but since hearing that conversation I now feel really bad about myself. I don't think he fancies me. I though that anyway to be honest (although he's always telling me im gorgeous, hugging me out of nowhere) but now I feel awful hearing normal women talk about thier love lives.

I fancy dh rotten, but I have managed to stop myself getting turned on because sex rarely happens. If we have a kiss/cuddle in bed 9 times out of ten he will stop and not want to take it further. I've stopped myself getting turned on because I hate laying there feeling so frustrated. So, when he does want to make love I am obviously now fining it painful as he doesn't touch me first and I have a block about feeling turned on just incase.

Before I met dh I was married to someone else for ten years in a totally sexless marriage, I was celibate for my entire 20's, and before that I had only had very short term relationships, so this is my first experience of having a 'proper' sexual partner, so I dont know what's normal? I don't have any friends close enough to ask either.

So as not to drip feed, he used to have a serious porn habit in his teens/early 20s (hes now 28 and im 32) but doesnt watch it anymore. I often wonder if that's caused this.

it sounds to me like he has a whole load of sexual issues. try not to feel bad about yourself - because it sounds like your only problem is having had two situations where your sex life was not what you wanted or expected it to be.

his comments about you "looking stupid" etc are vile - and probably rest in his own insecurity about himself and his own inadequacies.

I cant really advise how to do anything about the situation - only tht you must not blame yourself.

I think there's a huge range of behaviours that fall within normal but the issue here is how your DH is making you feel.

It's normal to get an erection hugging your wife of ten years, it's normal not to. But what isn't acceptable is cruel behaviour. Laughter during sex is normal but laughing at your partner isn't.

Can you talk to him about how he makes you feel?

Oh and an unmumsnetty hug from me.

Sorry you are so sad. Anyone would be in your situation.

I think you are right about the porn thing. He probably built up totally unrealistic expectations of sex - ie what a woman looks like, acts like and how it is 'supposed to be' all about the man's gratification not yours.

To be brutal, it does sound like he doesn't want to have sex with you - there's no two ways about it.

I don't know where that leaves you but I think you have nothing to lose by talking to him, honestly and in depth about this and the way it has made you feel.

Sorry you're having to go through this. He has lots of sexual issues and he's putting them onto you. Have you tried counselling? Assuming the rest of your relationship is great...

I'm sorry but he sounds very unpleasant in the way he treats you and talks to you.

"I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'. "

"He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated."

"..."started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small."

You do not deserve to be spoken to like that. I think the problem is bigger than just sex, it's how he makes you feel. And I think he's trying to make you feel like shit on purpose, which is horrible in any situation but particularly nasty when it comes to something like sex, which is so intimate and meant to be loving and involves a certain level of vulnerability. And he's humiliating you over and over again during it.

Laughing at you, making you feel ashamed, talking to you in the way he does...not on.

THis man has big problems. Was he brought up in a religious household, or is he religious himself? Religion is often very toxic indeed WRT sexuality as all the main religions consider women dirty and inferior at a fundamental level.
He could also be gay but homophobic at the same time: men like this want to have a wife to make themselves look normal, but they have little or no sexual desire for women and may not like women very much.

How does he treat you outside the bedroom? Is he kind, supportive, pleasant company, does he do his share of domestic work? Or is he critical and selfish and demanding the rest of the time as well?

This behaviour is not normal and it's not your fault.

My second ex-husband was a bit like your OH and it made me dread bedtimes and deeply resent him. The cruelty is appalling. I couldn't put it with it.

No, not religious at all, nor brought up that way. His family are lovely people.

Yes, he does his share round the house. I have a ten year old ds, dh is an amazing stepfather to him. He couldnt be any better to him, ds thinks the sun shines out of his behind, they get on really well.

He was with his girlfriend prievoius to me for three years. They split when he met me.

We get on really well. We have fun. He's very supportive.

He can be slightly condescending toward me. Doesn't really like to be in the wrong. But on the whole he's a good person.

I have tried talking to him.

I have asked him if he fancies me, he points out that he's always telling me he loves me, that I'm gorgeous, that he kisses me and hugs me all the time.

He does a good line in turning things around though. That's his main drawback - everything becomes my fault.

I want to try and talk to him again, but I genuinely think he doesn't think there is a problem.

I love him so much, I just wish he wanted me.

Lovetats - exactly how I feel. I dread going to bed.

I really feel for you.

My first husband used to say that sex was a barometer of a relationship (we had a great sex life but he was a shite husband ) and I do believe he was right.

I'm on my own now and it's such a relief to go to my bed and relax. The bad bit is that I'm not entirely sure that I can ever have sex again as the flashbacks are so bad - the scornful sneers, the grimaces of disgust, the jumping up immediately to wash .

I honestly don't know what the answer is for you. I just hope you can find some peace and realise that it's really not your problem, it's his!!

This is really sad, and his rejection, selfishness and cruelty is bound to affect the rest of your relationship.

His behaviour is in no way normal - of course some people have higher sex drives than others, but the way he treats you is nothing to do with his sex drive and everything to do with his psychological issues.

Could you find a counsellor or similar to talk through the situation?

OP - your 'D'H sounds like he has a lot of sexual hang ups, no his comments are put downs are not normal and not acceptable.

You say you're having sex 'only once or twice a week', that to me is reasonably frequent. But what concerns me more about your post is the way it happens, no contact, foreplay, dressed etc. That to me is not indicative of a loving relationship, however often you have sex.

DH has a lot lower sex drive than me, tbh his is pretty damn low and we're trying to work through it. BUT, he is never nasty about it and he doesn't need help to get an erection. It's just he isn't 'in the mood' that often.

It sounds really horrible, and I think it is SO shitty when someone transmits their own weird issues about sex onto someone else. Have you told him how humiliated he makes you feel? You deserve a good sex life with a man who appreciates your body and doesn't make you feel dirty or unattractive.

My mother was with a gay man for three years, before she had me, who used to tell her he didn't want to have sex because she was ugly and she smelled. She says when she discovered him in bed with another man her main emotion was overwhelming relief because she finally realised it wasn't her fault. I'm not saying your husband is gay, but please please please realise that whatever issues he has are nothing to do with you.

I think you really need to speak to him again and make him see there IS a problem.

I would agree with sheeplikessleep that the frequency of sex is fine, and that the disgusting comments of your DH, the fact that he is usually happy to just pull down your bottoms and have sex with you, and doesn't want to please you in bed, are really quite worrying.

It is NOT normal to say cruel things to someone you love, nor is it normal to imply to your partner that they are dirty or not right in some way. This attitude is not healthy, and must be making you feel lousy.

If he loves you he needs to sort this out. I feel so sad for you that you are been made to feel this way.

He doesn't want to have sex with you, but wants to have sex on you is what this boils down to.

Your whole relationship is only 18 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon period really.

I agree with SGB that he may possibly be gay, or maybe he has an erection problem? It seems a bit ott that he requires oral sex to get hard.

There are major issues here op, not just sexual , but also respect issues. Laughing at you during sex is. Just awful.

I know I need to talk to him again.

When I tried before he turned it all around and the. Said I was putting so much pressure on him that I was making him not want to sleep with me.

He's made me feel so shit about myself. Before I met him I knew I was an attractive woman (not in the way the dail mail woman does, but was happy with myself), but I haven't even been able to look at any of our wedding photos yet. That's how awful and ugly I now feel.

Beatlebum - you need to talk to someone IRL about this, please. It is awful he is treating you this way. This is NOT your fault, your husband has some serious hang ups. I'm hoping all of the posts here will help to show you this is not normal, this is him not you and encourage you to get him to seek help of some sort. You deserve better.

The man has rather big issues OP, it's nothing whatsoever to do with you. Make that your mantra and don't let him bring you down.

HE needs to deal with these issues.

He's not gay. I know that.

I also know he doesnt have erectile problems as before he told me the extent of his precious porn addition, I watched a couple of videos with him. Sadly (for me) he got hard immediately.

There has also been the odd time where he has wanted sex where there has not been a problem.

At the risk of sounding crude, I feel like he's just using me as a wanking accessory rather than making love to me.

He also refers to sex as something to get over with (as in "ok, welll do it now get it done before the apprentice").

I think it's just me

Can you suggest Relate for both of you (not that you need any counselling, but the process should serve to drill home to him how unreasonable he is being and help him to seek professional help). This cannot continue.

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but your posts are quite worrying and this is understandably affecting everything.

It is not you.

It is NOT you.

It's not you and the way he speaks is cruel. As for his hang ups I think they're quite normal. We expect men to be always up for it, to always want sex but many men have a low sex drive and find this fact humiliating. The only way to resolve this is to go to counciling but if he's not ready then that won't work. How about backing off for a bit and just encourage no sex? This might relax. Other of you enough to get e ball rolling properly. For what it's worth my dh and I rarely have sex out of pure laziness (always tired etc) and I've found that when we don't have sex regularly we want it less. We once did a month sexathon where we had sex every day without fail (really hard to do btw) at first it wasn't great but after 2 weeks we both felt more sexual and started to want it more and more. Then life kicked in and things went back to normal but it suits us so no complaints. The main thing is how he makes you feel not how he performs. If he's making you feel bad tell him and tell him again, remind him that he'd hate it if you started to make a running commentary on his sexual performance. Good luck, I know it can be hard but he does sound like a good man and someone worth working this out with

I'll third that ? it is NOT you.

He has issues. A good therapist could no doubt help, but I appreciate that he may not want to listen if you suggest one.

I'm trying not to judge him, because I think most people act in unpleasant ways because of some unhappiness of their own. But making a fuss about having 'dirty fingers' if he touches you sexually, laughing at you in a way designed to humiliate you ... You do not deserve to be treated like that.

I hope you can work through it. But I repeat: it's NOT you.