Is this normal? Or does DH just not fancy me.

[Beatlebum]

I was sat in a cafe earlier and overheard a group of women charting. One of them made a quip about how irritating she found it in the mornings when her parter cuddled up to her and got an erection, all the others started laughing and saying similar things, how annoying when you are just having a kiss/cuddle and they want more.

In the 18 months I've been with dh (married for two months) this has never happened. He hugs me in bed, he's never got an erection. When we do have sex, it takes a lot of me touching him, me giving oral for him to get hard. He likes to be the one to initiate. I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'.

He's very loving towards me, cuddling, kissing, holding hands but we only make love once or maybe twice a week. When we do, he bearly touches me, he kisses me, may have a half hearted fondle for a few seconds but then it's all about him (me giving him oral, then me going on top until he's done).

I asked him for oral sex recently (he did it the first couple of months we were together) and he did, but after literally five seconds stopped and said I'd moved violently and bashed his chin. So he stopped and told me that it had put him off sex all together that night. He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated.

I've asked him to use his hands on me, but he is so rough and obviously bored to death by it, and makes such a big deal about having dirty hands afterwards that it makes me feel like I'm filthy.

I have to ask him to undress me when we make love - he'd be happy to just pull my bottoms down and leave me fully dressed. A while ago, I bought some sexy underwear to try and get him interested. He didn't even take off my jumper let alone anything else so didnt even notice.

I bought a vibratorto use together, he used it with me but started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small.

I've spent all morning in tears. I feel sexually rejected enough anyway, but since hearing that conversation I now feel really bad about myself. I don't think he fancies me. I though that anyway to be honest (although he's always telling me im gorgeous, hugging me out of nowhere) but now I feel awful hearing normal women talk about thier love lives.

I fancy dh rotten, but I have managed to stop myself getting turned on because sex rarely happens. If we have a kiss/cuddle in bed 9 times out of ten he will stop and not want to take it further. I've stopped myself getting turned on because I hate laying there feeling so frustrated. So, when he does want to make love I am obviously now fining it painful as he doesn't touch me first and I have a block about feeling turned on just incase.

Before I met dh I was married to someone else for ten years in a totally sexless marriage, I was celibate for my entire 20's, and before that I had only had very short term relationships, so this is my first experience of having a 'proper' sexual partner, so I dont know what's normal? I don't have any friends close enough to ask either.

So as not to drip feed, he used to have a serious porn habit in his teens/early 20s (hes now 28 and im 32) but doesnt watch it anymore. I often wonder if that's caused this.

The way he blames you and refuses to accept responsibility one minute then says he'll change the next minute is very worrying. How can he change if he doesn't actually think it's his fault? Can you confide in any of your family when they visit?

you dont have to live like this x

He sounds like a normal, nice, loving partner most of the time and then a switch flips in his head when he enters the bedroom. I wonder whether the nice persona is the "real him" and the bedroom one is the result of unresolved issues, perhaps of gayness or childhood abuse, as others have suggested; or whether the cruel, controlling, self-centred one is the "real him" whilst the nice outside is an act which is harder to fake in an intimate setting. Frankly, though, I don't recommend the OP hangs around to find out.

From an outsider's viewpoint the obvious solution is "tell him to go forth and multiply, and don't even consider taking him back unless he has a long course of serious psychotherapy". Rarely that easy when you're in the situation, of course.

He clearly has a problem with having sex - it has to be completely on his terms, doesn't it? The remark about feeling like you were raping him is, I think, the most important thing in your OP. Do you know what kind of porn he was watching? I would be extremely surprised if that had stopped.

He humiliates you. That on its own should be enough for you to be thinking about moving on. There are few worse feelings than humiliation and for your own husband, who says he loves you, to make you feel like that is awful.

I don't know how you can have normal, happy times. How can you trust someone to love you and care for you when he humiliates you like that?

Oh you poor thing. I hope you're beginning to believe that it really is his problem not yours. The fact that he told you he only had sex once a month with his ex sounds like his problem is long standing too.

Did you talk to him about your previous sexless relationship before getting involved? I wonder if he targeted you because of that?

This chopping and changing from being loving and affectionate - as long as sex isn't involved - and then shouting at you and blaming you for it is abusive and controlling behaviour. It's so confusing isn't it because it's hard to reconcile the two sides of him? I really do understand as my ex behaved very similarly but foolishly I stayed with him for far too long and blamed myself. He would also tell me I was sexy and want to kiss and grope me - especially in front of his friends - but in the bedroom nada. It was so confusing.

I had had 'normal' sexual relationships before so that made it all the stranger but still I blamed myself. I do wonder now if perhaps he (ex) is really gay but also suspect that he actually dislikes women.

Your partner's behaviour really is very cruel. The pretending to be going to 'make love' to you then to turn it back on you and find a way of making it into an argument and somehow all your fault. This just seems premeditated. If he was really concerned and wanted to 'change' he wouldn't mess you around like this and would be open to talking about what the problem is and what he could do to sort it out. He wouldn't make promises he had no intention of following through and then make it into your fault.

I suspect the declarations of love and promises to change are designed to stop you from leaving him now as he probably realises you're considering it. I doubt very much he is serious about it. Does he want to change or is he perfectly happy with the situation?

I would seriously consider your options. I stayed for far too long and I have to say it's really damaged my self-esteem and I am terrified about getting involved with someone who could make me feel that bad again.

Malinkey has summed everything up so well. Hope your weekend goes okay with all of your visitors.

I think you need to get councelling....I don''t know enough about that to suggest what type....but you obviously don't want to leave him.

What this man wants is the appearance of a happy marriage, ie 'Look! I have a wife! I can't be gay or wierd! I am a grown-up Married Man'. ANd it doesn't hurt that he's getting five star domestic service as you exert yourself to please him, of course. But underneath, he wants something else, whether that's sex with men or sex only with himself, and he resents society for making him feel that he has to practice and display heteromonogamy and, because he's fairly selfish, he takes that resentment out on you.
This is not fixable. It's not even fixable by means of coming to an agreement that you will display a 'happy marriage' but each of you seek sexual gratification separately, because he is not capable of regarding you as equal to him and your needs as mattering in any way.

You could be describing, word for word, my relationship with an ex from many years back.

He was both gay and homophobic. He also had very little respect for women.

He desperately needed to be seen to be in a "straight" relationship for appearances' sake.

Looking back now I can feel sorry for him, but I have never regretted leaving him... I only wish I had done so sooner. It was sad for him, as he never quite accepted being gay and went from one doomed relationship to another (both gay and straight), but I did not regard that as my problem.

It sounds a bit like he decided he was going to have sex with you, after your chat, then when it actually came to it he couldn't get aroused perhaps (?) so went to the bathroom to try to erm attend to that, but that didn't work either, so he came back and started an argument to stop 'having to' have sex

Don't know what caused it though - Perhaps an erection problem he's embarrassed about? Confused sexuality? Childhood abuse issues?

None of us can know the cause but we all know the way he's dealing with whatever 'it' is, is totally wrong and damaging to you. x

hi Beatle

From what you say about your DH I see someone who knows he has a problem but cannot admit it. It could be that he is gay or as another poster has suggested was abused when he was younger.

Whichever it is what he has to do is admit it and seek help - without that you haven't a hope of ever resolving your unhappiness.

Your experience last night does not seem to me to be preplanned or cruel but the action of someone who just cannot cope with maybe women, his sexuality; I suspect he wanted to make it better for you but could not when it came to it.

The outcome is still the same: either he recognises and admits and seeks help; or you separate. I know what it is like to live in a (v long) marriage where sex is a problem for various reasons and it didn't improve ever, despite discussions, promises, attempts sweep it under the carpet. And it was nothing like as bad as you describe.

Good luck.

Sorry posted on the wrong thread.
Have asked for ti to be deleted.

Very sorry Beatle.

I had a boyfriend when I was younger who sounds very similar. He had been abused as a teenager and I do believe this is what caused his issues. He was afraid he was gay, which is very common for boys who have been abused (wish I had known this at the time). Friends also thought he was gay from what I told them. However I'm still fairly sure he wasn't.

He was upfront about not wanting sex - the exception being 'solo' sex which he used to sneak off for too. Few things more upsetting. He did watch some porn but I'm not sure how much. He felt a sense of achievement when we had done it, even though he never came during sex with me. I spent two years with him in a state of frustration and low self-esteem.

I haven't thought about all this for a long time. I'm now with someone totally different, utterly normal, and I really have got over it. Like the OP I had not had much experience when I got together with this guy, but I am proof that you can come back from it.

Our relationship didn't last, but there were other problems too. If your husband is as lovely as you say he is the rest of the time, you may be able to find a way through this. I think it will take a commitment to therapy though, and he's going to have to be more honest about what's going on. Something clearly is, and as everyone has said It Isn't You! Good luck.

I would say his actions are those of someone who doesn't fancy you - lots of excuses, then showing you affection etc I can't speculate on his sexuality.

I think i would suggest counselling and tell him, if you think this is a dealbreaker, that without it you can't continue. The lack of respect, rape comments, laughing at you etc is horrible and he needs to acknowledge this and stop turning on you when you try to discuss it.

But 18 months is very early days to be going through this and it doesn't sound good. I'm sorry.

I wondered about homosexuality too, as many other posters have. The fact that he describes feeling dirty if he uses his hands is a big alarm bell for me. A gay acquaintance of mine talks like that - he finds the idea that women leak (cervical mucus) all the time absolutely repulsive. A gay housemate of mine at uni always planned to marry so he could have kids and a "normal" family life (although I have since heard that he has settled down with a male partner so he must have changed his mind)

The frequency isn't the problem here (twice a week would be quite good for us - we both have busy lives and are tired/ill or whatever), his attitude is. I hope you find a resolution, OP.

Actually and sorry to be bombarding the thread with all my personal experiences here but Bringback's comment has reminded me that I have done similar to this myself.

Not the cruelty I hope, but the getting to bed and then engineering an argument to get out of sex bit. I was with a partner that I loved to bits, my best friend etc etc, but I just didn't fancy him.

I really tried but then I'd feel when he touched me like I was being abused because my head knew that I didn't want to be touched by him like that. I'd make arguments - 'Ow! you really hurt me! I'm not in the mood now!' etc to avoid/postpone sex and I was always telling him that if he stopped 'pressuring' me I'd be more likely to want to do it

In my defence, I was quite young and didn't want to split up with him because I truly loved him, I hoped that one day a switch would flick and I'd magically fancy him but obviously it never did.

First off I just want to thank everyone so much for your advice and sharing your experiences. It's all helped me so much.

Dh has taken the day off work. We've sat down and had a long Talk.
He says that last night he just got drunk (we don't tend to drink much) and so tired. He says he doesn't really remember much, just that when we came home late all he wanted to do was sleep.

He said he does fancy me, does find me attractive but that he has stopped making enough effort. I brought up the times when he hasn't let me touch him, again he says it was the wrong time, he was tired/stressed.

When he said the rape comment, he said that was a stupid reaction. That was the day when we'd been at A&E all day after ds broke a bone and we didn't know if he'd need an op or not. Dh said he was just a bit put off and put out that I would want to have sex when we were worried about ds (the closeness with dh would have helped me cope with the worry).

He said again how tired he gets, that he's often stressed and still trying to adjust to having a child in his life and is on a really steep learning curve re parenting, having his own home rather than renting a room.

I have told him that I want more respect. I won't be laughed at again (he was mortified, he said the vibrator just looked a bit daft).

I asked him to put himself in my shoes, how would he feel in my situation.

He says he loves me, married me because he wants to be with me forever and is willing to work on things.

I don't think he's gay. I think he's just selfish and likes to be in control. That has to change and he knows it.

I don't think he's said much at all OP. He's just reiterated what he's said before...it's not "not feeling like sex" that's the problem...I am a bit off sex when I am worried about DC or something...it's things like ridiculling you...that's just not normal.

People just reject usually....to ridicule smacks of cruelty.

In relation to tiredness...does he get enough sleep? Has he seen the doc? I did once and I turned out to be Aneamic.

You clearly love him and want to stay with him . Please take care of yourself and your DS and good luck for the future.

Beatle, I am glad you have been able to chat to him, I think his reasons/excuses for his poor behaviour are a bit lacking tbh, but at least you were able to discuss things and can possibly move forward! You sound very grounded and sensible I really hope it works out for you

I don't think anything he's said can possibly excuse the humiliation he's putting you through.

I'd also question how he proposes to make the changes. What exactly is he going to do? Go to the doctors to see why he's tired? As I said, DH had a hormonal imbalance affecting his sex drive which was found by doing blood tests but it could be anaemia...but I agree it doesn't excuse his attitude. Had he agreed to go to counselling?