Is this normal? Or does DH just not fancy me.

[Beatlebum]

I was sat in a cafe earlier and overheard a group of women charting. One of them made a quip about how irritating she found it in the mornings when her parter cuddled up to her and got an erection, all the others started laughing and saying similar things, how annoying when you are just having a kiss/cuddle and they want more.

In the 18 months I've been with dh (married for two months) this has never happened. He hugs me in bed, he's never got an erection. When we do have sex, it takes a lot of me touching him, me giving oral for him to get hard. He likes to be the one to initiate. I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'.

He's very loving towards me, cuddling, kissing, holding hands but we only make love once or maybe twice a week. When we do, he bearly touches me, he kisses me, may have a half hearted fondle for a few seconds but then it's all about him (me giving him oral, then me going on top until he's done).

I asked him for oral sex recently (he did it the first couple of months we were together) and he did, but after literally five seconds stopped and said I'd moved violently and bashed his chin. So he stopped and told me that it had put him off sex all together that night. He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated.

I've asked him to use his hands on me, but he is so rough and obviously bored to death by it, and makes such a big deal about having dirty hands afterwards that it makes me feel like I'm filthy.

I have to ask him to undress me when we make love - he'd be happy to just pull my bottoms down and leave me fully dressed. A while ago, I bought some sexy underwear to try and get him interested. He didn't even take off my jumper let alone anything else so didnt even notice.

I bought a vibratorto use together, he used it with me but started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small.

I've spent all morning in tears. I feel sexually rejected enough anyway, but since hearing that conversation I now feel really bad about myself. I don't think he fancies me. I though that anyway to be honest (although he's always telling me im gorgeous, hugging me out of nowhere) but now I feel awful hearing normal women talk about thier love lives.

I fancy dh rotten, but I have managed to stop myself getting turned on because sex rarely happens. If we have a kiss/cuddle in bed 9 times out of ten he will stop and not want to take it further. I've stopped myself getting turned on because I hate laying there feeling so frustrated. So, when he does want to make love I am obviously now fining it painful as he doesn't touch me first and I have a block about feeling turned on just incase.

Before I met dh I was married to someone else for ten years in a totally sexless marriage, I was celibate for my entire 20's, and before that I had only had very short term relationships, so this is my first experience of having a 'proper' sexual partner, so I dont know what's normal? I don't have any friends close enough to ask either.

So as not to drip feed, he used to have a serious porn habit in his teens/early 20s (hes now 28 and im 32) but doesnt watch it anymore. I often wonder if that's caused this.

IT IS NOT YOU.

You are blaming yourself because it is easier than blaming him...and then having to do something about it.

he has BIG problems.

From what you say he is defensive as well. Defensive and sex issues?

Definitely a childhood issue, and poor self esteem as a result.

OP it is NOT YOU
Ecswarlie i was actually quite shocked at your post. What the OPs dh is doing is emotional abuse and you just made a load of excuses for it in your post.
This is why men like this get away with it,because too many people make too many excuses for them. What hes doing IS abuse.

if he just had a low sex drive, fine, it happens, you could talk about it and he could reassure you etc.

but the things that he's saying to you are just nasty. he seems not to care at all how you feel about/during sex.

add to that that he is a defensive person who doesn't like to take responsibility for any problems in the relationship, and i'm afraid you have a perfect storm on your hands. he has a problem, and he needs to address it, but i suspect he'll refuse to. that leaves you in a bind OP.

you may find that a frank chat (regardless of whether he deigns to participate in it in a constructive way) followed by a period of separation (initiated by you) is the only way forward.

he needs to know his behaviour must change in order for the marriage to continue, and i don't think hanging around whilst feeling sad is going to help. you're just making the whole situation ok for him atm, iyswim? a short sharp shock followed by an opportunity for introspection might get you a result much quicker than the alternative.

and it also can act as a time for you to decide whether you really want to bother with someone like this...

We are going to have a proper talk tonight.

And thankyou all. I don't have any close friends/family I can talk to and with never having a normal adult relationship before (at the age of 32 fgs!)I had nothin to compare to.

Can I just ask, do other women initiate sex? Stupid question I know.

I'm afraid it sounds like the two of you are completely incompatible sexually. I don't think this is fixable. Nor does it sound like you would be happy to remain in the relationship without good sex.

I suspect it's not going to last. Sorry. :(

I initiate sex. DH likes this, my abusive ex who used sex as a way of controlling me didn't.

But there's a distinction to be made between men who prefer to take the lead and those who reject and belittle women who take the lead.

I agree killerheels sorry op you deserve better than this

I am amazed, truly amazed that you've only been together 18 months. It sounds more like the kind of problem that would have developed over several years.

Genuine question (I apologise as I know it is a horrible question) - why did you marry him when sex was such an issue? Or has it suddenly got worse since the wedding?

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Well I think other women do initiate sex - I do. Obviously there must be relationships where the man initiates sex and the woman is more reticent and that relationship can still be healthy. However in your case he doesn't just initiate sex more than you do, but he ACTIVELY dislikes you initiating sex and makes horrible comments about it. That really is not normal.

Most men in my experience like women to initiate sex - in fact I was under the impression that one of the most common male complaints was 'she never initiates sex' or 'I wish she was more confident in bed' rather than the other way around. Any man who doesn't want you to be confident in bed is being a shit :(
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The one positive thing I have to say is that it seems he is, at least, affectionate in other areas of your life. But I think it is very worrying that he is like this about sex and it really needs to be dealt with. If he can't change, you have a serious problem.

I married him because I love him. We are compatible in practically every other way. He works from home and we've had a lovely afternoon while ds has been at a friends house, just cuddled up on the sofa watching crap films and having a laugh.

Sex is the big issue between us. I know he loves me, I want him to be as affectionate and caring in bed as he is out of it.

I don't want things to end between us, I want to sort it out once and for all. I need him to listen to me without turning things round.

He is NOT a good man, no good man would belittle and humiliate their partner like that. And FWIW, most men would think they had died and gone to heaven if their DP offered to use a vibrator in front of them.

It is categorically not you OP.

I was under the impression that one of the most common male complaints was 'she never initiates sex' or 'I wish she was more confident in bed'

this is def my experience too.

my DH is desperate for me to initiate more. i try to but being pg and tired makes it hard to muster up the enthusiasm; he's not nasty about this but i know he would love for it to change!

he would think your H absolutely bonkers, perhaps in need of professional help, if he were to read this thread.

I also think a major issue with him is tiredness. I spoke to him about it briefly a while ago (we are going for dinner later to talk properly on neutral ground).

Before we all moved in together (me, dh and ds) last September he was a mature student who slept in late, went to the pub, only responsibility was uni work. Now he's up at 7am everyday walking my dog while I sort breakfast, walking ds to school, starting his work early so he can be finished to pick up ds with me most days and go to the park/swimming/ferrying ds and his mates about etc. I've had almost ten years of being a parent, i am used to the tiredness and general worry/stress that goes along with it. It's been a steep learning curve for him and he's had to change his whole life.

It's no excuse for some of the vile things he's said I know.

I'm going to try and sort it out tonight.

I'm not defending any behaviour of his btw, just writing it down how he explained not wanting sex sometimes.

Wishing you lots of good luck with your chat tonight then, Beatlebum.

I do initiate sex quite often, but it's not a huge effort - usually fairly obvious that we're both interested that day due to flirty remarks etc, then I get into bed, kiss my dh and.... er.... tongues... or I touch his thighs which he likes. That's it really. TBH I suppose if he doesn't respond immediately I would usually stop, but the response could be quite small, just the sort of response you know if you know your own partner.

I suppose I would ask two things. Has the relationship always been like this, or has it changed at some point, and what else changed around the same time? And what do you say when he mentions rape?

I initiate sex with my DP, but tbh if he'd said any of the stuff your DP has said in bed I'd be way too humiliated to ever initiate sex again...

Good luck with The Talk x

When he has said the rape remark if just been like "what the hell??". One of his best female friends (shes also his cousin) was raped, he was one of the people who helped her in the aftermath and is full of vitriol for rapists. I was aghast he could use that term after that.

When we were first together I would stay at his every other weekend and once in the week. It was normal at the beginning, we'd go out, have fun, come home and go to bed. After about 2 months he would push me away if I tried to touch him in the mornings, I figured he just didn't like morning sex.

He used to ask if I'd prefer a massage etc instead of sex.

I can't pinpoint when it changed.

Waiting for babysitter to arrive, trying to work out what to say to him.

I think porn is the cause here. He's been used to seeing it - objectified bits of women, there for his pleasure. He doesn't connect loving you to making love with you. He can't be bothered to have sex WITH you. Perhaps it seems distasteful for him (like the oral), because it's not for HIM and his 'normal' has been formed through porn.

He probably knows on some level it's not right and that's why he's so aggressive/defensive.

There's a lot of work on porn addiction and desensitisation out there which might be worth looking up.

Its not you. I hope you can convince him that your unhappiness with the situation warrents both of you attending sex therapy with relate.
You are on the road to the end if not. Sorry to be filled with doom. Just that he sounds like my sbexh.

April yes, that's it!

He has said to me before that he loves me more than anything in the world but that loving me and sex are not the same thing. Which freaked me out, as I took that to mean he would see no wrong with having sex with other people. Which he quickly corrected me on (he wouldnt cheat, I know that).

He doesn't watch porn anymore. But I have always thought that's the problem.

To me, sex is a wonderful thing between two people who love each other. It's something I would never think about doing with anyoneother than dh. I want it to be special, it means a lot to me.

I agree with the porn theory, I think it messes with their minds especially if they've used it alot over a long period of time.

Ah Beatle I'm sorry If it's any comfort, that is NOT normal. Most people, male and female, want to have sex with someone they love. Want to have sex with someone they love MORE than they want to have sex generally. If they love someone, they want that closeness and intimacy which comes with things other than sex, but is at its most intense with sex.

Promise. THAT is what is 'normal'. YOUR attitude is normal. His is not.

Something has grown wrong, gotten deformed, in his head. He might have stopped using porn but the stuff he has 'learnt' remains. He needs to face that and get help.

I'd be interested to know how his sexual relationships have been in the past, and why he stopped using porn (what his given reason would be; shame or 'it's not right' or someone said something or he realised it had messed him up). Perhaps there is a disgust issue there - that he has tangled up porn and sex.

He can learn to think differently but just stopping the porn isn't enough.