Is this normal? Or does DH just not fancy me.

[Beatlebum]

I was sat in a cafe earlier and overheard a group of women charting. One of them made a quip about how irritating she found it in the mornings when her parter cuddled up to her and got an erection, all the others started laughing and saying similar things, how annoying when you are just having a kiss/cuddle and they want more.

In the 18 months I've been with dh (married for two months) this has never happened. He hugs me in bed, he's never got an erection. When we do have sex, it takes a lot of me touching him, me giving oral for him to get hard. He likes to be the one to initiate. I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'.

He's very loving towards me, cuddling, kissing, holding hands but we only make love once or maybe twice a week. When we do, he bearly touches me, he kisses me, may have a half hearted fondle for a few seconds but then it's all about him (me giving him oral, then me going on top until he's done).

I asked him for oral sex recently (he did it the first couple of months we were together) and he did, but after literally five seconds stopped and said I'd moved violently and bashed his chin. So he stopped and told me that it had put him off sex all together that night. He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated.

I've asked him to use his hands on me, but he is so rough and obviously bored to death by it, and makes such a big deal about having dirty hands afterwards that it makes me feel like I'm filthy.

I have to ask him to undress me when we make love - he'd be happy to just pull my bottoms down and leave me fully dressed. A while ago, I bought some sexy underwear to try and get him interested. He didn't even take off my jumper let alone anything else so didnt even notice.

I bought a vibratorto use together, he used it with me but started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small.

I've spent all morning in tears. I feel sexually rejected enough anyway, but since hearing that conversation I now feel really bad about myself. I don't think he fancies me. I though that anyway to be honest (although he's always telling me im gorgeous, hugging me out of nowhere) but now I feel awful hearing normal women talk about thier love lives.

I fancy dh rotten, but I have managed to stop myself getting turned on because sex rarely happens. If we have a kiss/cuddle in bed 9 times out of ten he will stop and not want to take it further. I've stopped myself getting turned on because I hate laying there feeling so frustrated. So, when he does want to make love I am obviously now fining it painful as he doesn't touch me first and I have a block about feeling turned on just incase.

Before I met dh I was married to someone else for ten years in a totally sexless marriage, I was celibate for my entire 20's, and before that I had only had very short term relationships, so this is my first experience of having a 'proper' sexual partner, so I dont know what's normal? I don't have any friends close enough to ask either.

So as not to drip feed, he used to have a serious porn habit in his teens/early 20s (hes now 28 and im 32) but doesnt watch it anymore. I often wonder if that's caused this.

I seem to be saying this more and more on these threads: give it a time limit.

He has to be prepared to let you teach him to give you an orgasm. If he humiliates you again, kick him out of bed. If he comments on 'dirty hands' (good lord above) tell him a sensual, red-blooded male would enjoy sniffing them, licking his fingers and getting you to lick them, to share the enjoyment. Accept nothing less.

Dear Beatle, I am so sorry you are living a real emotional rollercoaster right now. It would be so much easier for you if you didn't feel for this guy the way you do. He is really making you suffer, and it may be his only crime is not being able or willing to address the problem.

Wish I could be of more help. I can see you're not inclined to issue an ultimatum or force your DH into a sensible plan of action, and you can't be blamed for that... you love him... but I hope you can see that you do need to make a tough decision here.

Best of luck and a big hug (())

I don't think I can add much but wanted to post that I'm thinking about you.

I agree with some previous posts that excessive porn would have had an impact but moreover he has a deeply misogynistic attitude. It seems like he feels guilty about it and tries to cover it up and fight it but his deep seated beliefs about women and sex leak out in the bedroom.

He does need help, not from you but from a professional. Underneath this all is his feelings about women in general which are weird

tallwivglasses you're right of course, he should be relishing any opportunity he can to touch and enjoy you. BTW your description got me a little hot under the collar

oh, sweetie... Snide remarks about your sexual performance, etc. can really hurt, even if you pretend it doesn't. I know!! I do think you make alot of excuses up for him.

For him to "want you" one minute, then push you away the next is so wrong. That's playing with your mind/feelings... Like playing the slot machines... you keep putting the effort in, and every blue moon you win...so it keeps you hoping...

It won't get any better either if he doesn't change... It will only get worse, as you will end up resenting him.

Go for help....both of you... When you love each other you will do whatever it takes to make things work out! That doesn't mean giving up on your sex life either!!

Oh dear. Sounds like he's given you a load of excuses but not once has he apologised or admitted anything.

"He says he doesn't really remember much, just that when we came home late all he wanted to do was sleep."

If that's the case why was he so angry and upset with you this morning? Did he say what he was angry about?

"He said he does fancy me, does find me attractive but that he has stopped making enough effort. I brought up the times when he hasn't let me touch him, again he says it was the wrong time, he was tired/stressed."

Did he ever make enough effort? My ex always blamed everything on stress too. Everyone gets stressed sometimes - not everyone uses it as an excuse to humiliate the person they're supposed to love the most.

"Dh said he was just a bit put off and put out that I would want to have sex when we were worried about ds (the closeness with dh would have helped me cope with the worry)."

Well, that's because he has a weird attitude to sex doesn't he? He doesn't see it as a chance to be intimate and close with you. It's like it should only happen when everything in life is perfect, no one is stressed or tired, and don't tell me, like porn sex?

"I have told him that I want more respect. I won't be laughed at again (he was mortified, he said the vibrator just looked a bit daft)."

Really? He really couldn't have guessed at the time that laughing at you in that position would in any way be upsetting? Sorry, I don't buy that.

"He says he loves me, married me because he wants to be with me forever and is willing to work on things.

I don't think he's gay. I think he's just selfish and likes to be in control. That has to change and he knows it."

And what has he said he's going to do to 'work on things'? And how he is going to change being selfish and wanting to be in control? Just because he wants to be with you forever isn't enough to get what he wants. He needs to act like he loves you. I hope you can work it out if that's what you want, but I really think his issues are too far ingrained for him to just be able to sort it out like that. Sorry.

This is not tiredness or the parenting curve, nor is it YOU (to repeat from earlier).

There is something really, horribly wrong with him. He needs professional (psychiatric) help. Nobody could be so cruel in the sex area and normal elsewhere in a relationship unless he had massive psychosexual issues. There is also the possibility that he is enjoying the torment and confusion he is inflicting on you. Either way, he needs to commit to serious work in a therapeutic setting.

If he won't go for professional help and thinks he will figure this out on his own, then you need to start assessing the relationship with a cold and realistic eye. If this goes on you will end up feeling that you are being destroyed. You are already heading that way. 'He's made me feel so shit about myself. Before I met him I knew I was an attractive woman (not in the way the dail mail woman does, but was happy with myself), but I haven't even been able to look at any of our wedding photos yet. That's how awful and ugly I now feel.' and -- have been there.

This life we have is not a dress rehearsal.

(And btw, what you are describing could have been my ex except he wasn't too nice out of bed either, had a lot of unconcealed anger for everyone, wouldn't even talk about the problems we had, made it clear that he didn't want to hear one word that could possibly be interpreted as criticism of him in any area of our relationship. Like you, exH started indicating strongly he had no interest in me after about 2 months. Turned out he liked gay porn.)

lifeis - happy to oblige

Seriously OP - you deserve to be celebrated

I think he sounds gay tbh.

Well, that talk was a good gaslight, wasn't it? Everything that came out of his mouth were excuses, obfuscations and diversions.

He says he doesn't really remember much, - he's lying. Don't believe that for a minute.

I also think he is gay.

If he isn't gay, he certainly has been messed up by porn/seeing women as objects and he cannot do intimacy.

So that is what you are left with. He cannot be intimate with you, love you for YOU, and he savagely punishes you for bringing up the problem.

What do you want? Because him changing, I can't see.

He is punishing you for having perfectly natural needs. He is punishing you for being a sexual sensual female.
He is punishing you for being a woman.

He wants to appear to be a grown up Married Man to the outside world.
To facilitate this he is using you.
Yes he is using you.
You are being used,disrespected and abused.
Please please OP you deserve so much better. He will damage you emotionally and mentally if you stay with him.

Whether he's gay, or permanently porn damaged, or has issues with his gender, or was abused as a child, is really beside the point.

He doesn't fancy you. And not only does he blame you for this, he ridicules and humiliates you in sexual situations. And then tries to justify it afterwards. Which you seem to accept, and round and round again you go.

This is going absolutely nowhere unless you give him an ultimatum. He sees a psychosexual counsellor, and sorts himself out - because you have done absolutely nothing wrong - or you split up.

Really, what he is doing to you is so horrible and sickening to read.

He is projecting his feelings of inadiquacy onto you by humiliating you. This will never get better unless he realises that, whatever his issues, they are HIS issues and HE needs to take responsibility for them himself. He needs a lot of therapy to help make this happen.

Oh OP this sounds horrible. I don't understand why he makes no effort at all. I too have a gay ex and some of this - specifically the disgust about women's bodies - sounds familiar. It hits at the very heart of you, I felt no end of better when I realised that what was "wrong" with me was that I didn't have a cock and balls

Anyway, whatever's going on with him it's clear that it's affecting you in the most horrible way. Could you try mirroring his behaviour to you to see if he notices?

The sex without arousal or undressing - it just sounds awful. Why do you go through with it?

Your story rings a lot of bells with me too. Like a few of us on this thread, I had a gay ex who used to behave like this.

It really doesn't matter whether our speculation over his sexuality is correct or not, his behaviour towards you is awful. I wonder whether he deliberately chose you as a partner due to your limited sexual experience. You deserve so much more than this for your life. If you can find the courage to leave him you have a chance to discover how wonderful sex can be.

Does this have anything to do with the porn?

He may have got so used to viewing sex as a dirty secret habit that he can't associate it with a loving act anymore.

Like my dh.

Good luck with everything.

Beatlebum... I'm so sorry to read your thread.

Much as I dislike the term 'gaslighting', your husband is doing his best to present to you the minimum that you'll accept. It sounds as if he actually doesn't like you or women in general. I think he's trying to 'keep up appearances' and particularly as his family are coming to you for a visit. He has to make that happen at all costs and if that means telling you a few repetitive platitudes, so be it. He's either forgotten - or doesn't care - that there's a living, breathing woman with feelings at the other end of these comments.

I don't know if he's gay or not - one of my boyfriends was gay when I was young and also did the 'push-me, pull-you' thing. It was exhausting. I recognise some of the language as have other posters on this thread. I also recognise the hurt and I feel for you so much. You're not ready to let go of this marriage but really, it's not within your gift to hold onto it. As soon as one person has let go, it's gone - no matter what the other person wants.

I wonder that he can be a good step-parent to your son and such a selfish, disagreeable husband to you? Do you think you might be reaching for reasons to stay with this man, including thinking that your son's life is enriched by this man? I think that you should be very careful here... children pick up behaviours very easily and not all of them that we would like them to emulate. They also pick up nuances in relationships, like lightening - and often get the wrong end of the stick. It would be a double-tragedy were your son to start treating you in the same dismissive, non-caring way that your husband so obviously does.

I get that you love him but I also think your current feelings may be prejudiced by your previous relationships. You think this one might be less painful as he's nice to you sometimes. That is the case, from what you've posted, but if you ever want intimacy you'll need to write it off or find it elsehwere. I doubt that you'd do that in your marriage because you sound as if you love your husband so much.

I feel very angry on your behalf. This man has lied to you and continues to lie to you. He feeds you the lines that you so desperately want to hear. You deserve so much better but sadly, it looks like until you hit rock bottom, you won't be ready to face that. I wish you could be spared that, and the inevitable self-recrimination when it's all over, but you sound like a very sensitive and caring woman who is prepared to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. If only that were enough. :(

I think (while I agree that his sexuality is not an excuse for his nasty behaviour) it is plausible that he is gay. It could explain the porn addiction - trying to prove to himself that he was straight by wanking to straight porn.

OP i know you have family over this weekend but we are here for you if you want to post again after theyve left.
Im willing to bet that he has been acting like the perfect partner over this weekend putting on a show by hugging you in front of family etc.
You deserve so much better.xx

i really hope you are ok. even my emotionally and occ physically abusive ex h didn't make me feel as crap as I can imagine you do.

he has only been in your life for 18 months... is this really worth it ? will it really get any better ?

do you have anyone to talk to IRL?

I agree with DonInKillerHeelsSat 21-Apr-12 17:40:58

"Whether he's gay, or permanently porn damaged, or has issues with his gender, or was abused as a child, is really beside the point.

He doesn't fancy you. And not only does he blame you for this, he ridicules and humiliates you in sexual situations. And then tries to justify it afterwards. Which you seem to accept, and round and round again you go...."